Death Race 2000 and Cannonball: Show me a better double feature

Just me and the dog. I told her we’d spend some quality time together on the couch during the holidays. She loves to snuggle.

First movie: What’s more American than racing cars from coast to coast? How about racing from coast to coast while killing innocent bystanders?

Welcome to “Death Race 2000,” a 1975 dystopian thriller starring David Carradine (“Kung Fu,” “Kill Bill” and others before dying from asphyxiation involving a cord wrapped around more than one part of his body). Also on the bill: a pre-“Rocky,” pre-“Rambo,” pre-“Cobra,” pre-“Tango & Cash” Sylvester Stallone.

Joining the cast: famous Los Angeles disc jockey Don Steele, also notable for his appearances in “Rock ’n’ Roll High School” (an American masterpiece) and “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” (not an American masterpiece).

The movie’s premise? The year is 2000, and five teams have entered the Transcontinental Road Race. Bonus points are awarded for confirmed kills, yet oddly, the exact mechanics of the points system aren’t explained. (No mercy is shown to the young and the old.)

But this is more than a mere race/killing spree: The subplot–or maybe it’s the main plot–centers around toppling the totalitarian regime running the U.S. since the World Crash of ’79. (What, you don’t recall that?)

Don’t want to give it all away, but expect plenty of explosions, one-liners, and both butts and boobs (male and female).

Cars? Yes, of course there are those. Themed cars, even, and maybe there’s something for IMSA to consider. Mostly VW-based creations that bob and weave like those six-wheeled Amphicats driven by the Banana Splits. (I suspect drugs might have been involved during the scripting for both productions.)

There’s some comedy, too, kind of. For instance, you’ll leave with a new interpretation for the term hand grenade. (I have said too much.)

Spoiler alert/final verdict: Who wins? America. Probably worth the 80 minutes to find out how.

Second movie: Somewhere there’s an unwritten rule that coast-to-coast car races start on the East Coast and end on the West Coast. (I don’t make the rules, I just drive the truck.)

“Cannonball,” though, bucks that trend, with contestants in this 1976 “comedy” racing from Los Angeles to New York City. Take that, tradition. (I’m calling it a comedy because Wikipedia does.)

And among those drivers? Hey, it’s David Carradine. Also in the cast? Sylvester Stallone as an uncredited tough guy.

The plot of this one: Assorted randos, including Carradine, freshly sprung from the joint for a crime he didn’t commit, race across the U.S.(illegally) for a cool $100,000. (More than half a mill in today’s Fun Bucks.) Should he win, he gets a contract with a real race team.

The cars lack themes (boo), but the drivers have (some) personality–like, there’s a German dude in a jaunty cap driving a Pantera, a middle-aged guy with a mustache in a Chevy Blazer, and a young couple very much in love with her dad’s Corvette.

And, of course, Carradine’s archnemesis is on the grid. He drives a black Dodge Charger, complete with KC lamps hanging under the bumper and a very un-’70s rear wing. Riding shotgun: a country singer and his manager. Hey, it was the ’70s and country was big.

Carradine’s ride: a second-generation Trans-Am wearing arrest-me red, a blue and yellow center stripe, and “Cannonball” lettered down the door. Sponsor stickers on the front fender further let you know that this is a race car. So much for being subtle.

“Cannonball” contains everything you’d expect of a ’70s action flick: fisticuffs, chest hair, awkward PG-rated romance scenes, and occasional hooting and hollering. Super bonus: a showdown between a green Mustang and a black Charger that isn’t “Bullitt.”

Spoiler alert/final verdict: I’m all for crash-’em-up movies, but this one fell short. It’s no “Hooper,” “The Gumball Rally” or even “Gone in 60 Seconds” (the original). “The Blues Brothers” demolishes “Cannonball” regarding plot, pileups, jumps, jokes, coolness, character development and Ray Charles appearances.

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