Jokes.
(Sorry for the crappy cell-pics)
I ended up buying the local one that had the hail damage claim. (THANKS, SONIC!!!)
I went to look at it fulling expecting it to be some weird scammy thing, but figured "Hell. I need to drive one anyway. If this guy's a shadester, I don't mind wasting his time and flogging the E36 M3 out of his car."
On a whim, I called the body shop who got the insurance check. The guy who answered the phone remembered the car immediately. PDR, but no paint, no broken glass. I still expected to pull up and see a turd.
To my surprise, the thing was ridiculously berkeleying clean...like "showroom" clean, aside from faded "V" emblems (common,) and foggy headlights.
Drove it. Didn't beat on it. Took it to Balanced Performance to check it out. The tech (who worked through his lunch break) found nothing major. A loose clamp on the steering rack boot. Minor "weeping" from the oil pan. Couple of lights out up front. Surprisingly, they charged me $0, but I swung the dude a few bucks for his time.
SO: Picked it up on Tuesday.
PROS: berkeleying GLORIOUS noises.
400 berkeleying horsepower.
Unexpectedly precise steering. Excellent feel. Handles incredibly well, and feels a lot lighter than it is.
Good...not "great" seats, but anything is a big step up from the 22 year old integra seats with 390k miles of man-ass. I really dig the level of adjust-ability. In 20 seconds, I went from "kind of comfy" to "Ok, that's berkeleying perfect," and set the "Driver 1" memory.
Contrary to everything I've read, the Nav/entertainment/whatever E36 M3 is really easy to use if you're not a complete berkeleying numbtard. In a couple minutes, I set the clock, reset the trip, and set the radio presets.
CONS: The motor mounts will need to be replaced/upgraded ASAFP. Annoying clunk on shutdown and on hard shifts. (Common)
I can't wait until I have to do a clutch, as you REALLY feel the big dual-mass flywheel.
Sixth gear is noisy (common.) Can't seem to get a consensus on this. Some folks say it's 6th gear (duh.) Some folks say it's the flywheel. Some folks say it's improper driveshaft indexing. Still others say that it's the diff. Oh well. For right now, I'm pretending it's not there. With the cruise set at 75 it's barely noticeable.
Two chickenE36 M3 things: WORST berkeleyING CUPHOLDER PLACEMENT EVAR! Seriously. The cupholders are directly behind, and "on plane" with the shifter...so anything other than a 12-ounce can means you're arm has to be in this weird, high position in order to shift. To make matters worse, try plugging ANY berkeleyING THING into the 12v cigarette lighter outlet...like A berkeleyING RADAR DETECTOR, and shift to 5th gear. Crunched knuckles and swearing.
And the shifter is all sloppy and GM-ey. I see an upgrade in the near future.
THAT SAID: Holy E36 M3 I love this thing. Composed, quiet, and comfy on the highway. Fun as E36 M3 in the twisties, and a big, mean, nasty bitch when you hit the go pedal. I think it's really the perfect car for me in this price range, at this time in my life. Speaking of: I've realized that saying "Well, it's basically a 4-door-Corvette" is pretty much the douchey-est thing to say evar, and have resigned to saying "Yes, I'm a berkeleying 34-year-old grandpa" instead. 
Thanks for all you dudes' help in the search.
