My nominee for King of Craigslist

https://greenville.craigslist.org/cto/d/1990-mazda-b2600i-se-cab/6464988723.html

That made my head hurt....

I love when people use abbreviations (initialisms) then include the full text of the actual words that the abbreviation is used for. 

"uh....pardon me sir, no disrespect, but you are gonna own that truck a long time......."

I'm tempted to email him from work and offer him $750.   

Of course, I'd include his entire ad in the email.

He may have gone juuust a little overboard, but humorous stuff. I am putting a car on CL soon and will use some of his ideas.

Way overboard.

I write very similar ads, but I'd never contact this psychopath.

"No offers via email.  Must see the car to discuss price. Cash only."

I enjoy reading car ads and I couldn't make it through this one.

No Chislers?  

I’m convinced that with used cars and Craigslist you expect guys to chisel down your price.   

GLWS

HE is obviously trying to get $1 per word.

Wannabe lawyer with OCD. 

Honestly, I'd rather read that add vs. an ad that has a Vaseline photo at night and "RUNS" in the description. The seller is at least thorough.

Wow. I'm at a loss for words. Obviously, he is not.

Where’s the part where he describes the truck? I had to skim through due to Tl;Dr 

He doesn't want your MTV

Sounds like he doesn't want to sell his truck.

Love it!

I hate the people that make an offer without seeing the item.  Whenever I am selling a car (frequently) I tell everyone that offers are entertained, but only in cash and in person.  Until we are face to face, no money talk.  Some people balk, some people show up with cash.  One guy drove from Chicago to Milwaukee with $2k less than asking on my F250, apparently he was hoping for a deal even after I told him I wouldn't do $7500 but he was welcome to show up and make a real offer.  He drove home without the truck.  

Blaise said:

Way overboard.

I write very similar ads, but I'd never contact this psychopath.

"No offers via email.  Must see the car to discuss price. Cash only."

I enjoy reading car ads and I couldn't make it through this one.

I always love "cash only" are they expecting me to pay in Plasma?

In reply to 84FSP :

It amazes me that people don't understand the "cash only" concept when buying a car. I have had two instances where people thought I would take a personal check and let them drive away with a multi thousand dollar car. These were not kids, totally clueless adults and to boot they were insulted that I wouldn't take a check.

93gsxturbo said:

Love it!

I hate the people that make an offer without seeing the item.  Whenever I am selling a car (frequently) I tell everyone that offers are entertained, but only in cash and in person.  Until we are face to face, no money talk.  Some people balk, some people show up with cash.  One guy drove from Chicago to Milwaukee with $2k less than asking on my F250, apparently he was hoping for a deal even after I told him I wouldn't do $7500 but he was welcome to show up and make a real offer.  He drove home without the truck.  

This is exactly WHY I make offers over the phone/text/email rather than in person. If I have 5k in my pocket, And you want 5500$, I tell you I have this much and no more. You reply back “no thanks” and I keep shopping. Why the #### would i drive two hours to be told no? 

Now, if we agree on 5k and I show up in person and the vehicle is not to my liking, that’s my problem. That’s c-list shopping. 

An ad like that only scares off one kind of person: serious buyers that actually read the ad. The tire kickers and low ballers don't read the ad and don't care what BS Internet Lawyer rules you made up for your own ego's benefit. Someone with cash to buy the car and a serious mindset would take one look at that ad and say "no thank you. Too much trouble to deal with."

Also, I love sight unseen offers for stuff I'm selling. We both know what I'm selling, but only you know what you're willing to pay. I don't want to waste my time showing the car to people if they don't have enough money to buy it. I'll even sometimes accept the sight unseen offers and throw in "but absolutely no lower, no matter what you think of the car/bike/etc." It's worked a few times. Other times people have tried to negotiate further and left without the vehicle.

That's not the King of CL...That's the King of Self-Absorbed Egocentric Douche Bags.  It might be mildly amusing if he wasn't so apparently dead serious about it all, rather than (genuinely entertaining) ads that are largely tongue in cheek.  Not to mention that for all of his litany of requirements placed upon the buyer, he can't even put his ad together in coherent series of thought rather than that stream of consciousness literary diarrhea.  

And all that constipation over a nothing special sub-$5k beater??...That's the only real amusing part. LOL!

Since CL ads aren't forever, but threads like this are:

YES, IS STILL FOR SALE, if your reading this ad. 
NOT a dealer. FSBO. {For Sale by Owner.} Available to see Jan. 31, 2018. Not before.
1990 MAZDA B2600i SE Cab+{Extended}, 2 Door Pickup, 2WD, Automatic, AC [works] -{([Greenville,SC])}
133K Miles. NOT 4 wheel drive. 
Please DO NOT ask for best price, make offers or ask least Seller will take.
Must MAKE OFFER in person after looking @ truck. Firm Price.
Reason: Must first see what you're buying. No trades/barter. Clean title, No accidents. No rust.
El Vendedor No Habla Espanol. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Questions and phone calls answered AFTER prospect performs all of below A, B and C.
This means YOU. Don't like? OK, then just move on to another ad.
Then 12 clear photos will be sent to your email. No photos sent to phone.
Messages that ignore A, B and C will be dismissed/discharged/terminated/released/sent packing. (Your fired!)
###Messages inquiries MUST STATE:###
A. Craigslist message must tell your first name and personal email address in message-Not automatically shown. 
{NO Yahoo email and no work email to be used.} This means your message text must display your Email address. 
This is personal affairs. Do not need employer contention. If you're genuinely interested, send contact info to arrange a showing.
PLEASE READ: Due to scams and lazy, will not return inquiry without A done. 
B. Inquiry needs to tell prospect buyer city/state in message text. No text messages.
C. This Ad must be confirmed as FULLY READ. For buyer benefit. Full disclosure is intent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does shown process "piss you off". Then no need to inquire. Stop here.
Serious inquiries need to be genuine buy intent.

VIN: JM2UF3145L0856106 DMV classifies vehicles 25 years old and older as antique.
True buyers afforded deserved best courtesy and red carpet.
No help selling needed. Do not send offers, silly comments, editorials, critique, what you think truck is worth, tirades, threats, profanity, insults or proof of illiteracy. Go tell it on the mountain?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Cab+ is extended cab. SE trim. Automatic 4-speed with OD [over drive], Air Conditioning, Power steering and brakes. Tach. 
Large exterior mirrors, body side molding, styled steel wheels/chrome trim rings. Clock and Tach work. No dash cracks~
2 wheel rear drive. Fold up rear cab+ seats. Tan interior.
Never modified from original factory setup, pulled apart or hacked by Bubba. Pristine and genuine.
No underside photos. {Too hard to take and Seller too old.} Buyer may get local inspect @ his cost.
======================================================================
Offered by INDIVIDUAL. No phone or email price negotiations. No electronic payments. NO international sales.
Opine as to price/value is unwelcome. If you feel price is too high, then look elsewhere. 
No financing or loans. Maybe available from other sources.

>>>> Looking for friend? Scroll down. Click: "email ad to friend."
If prospect will not read: Then don't go away mad, just go away. {skim/scan is not read.}
True buyers accorded upmost courtesy and red carpet.
Why above process? Not obligated to sell to or entertain:
Big Hat-No Cattle, Bottom Fishers, Can't speak English {take free ESL course}, Chiseler, Curiosity Seekers, Dorks, Entitled and no $, Expectations Above Ad, Fraud/Spam, Fruitcakes, Goofballs, Grand Poo Bah Ego, Illiterate, Insufferable, Lookyloo, Lost in Space, Malcontents, Matrons, Memory Lane Strollers, Misanthropes, Mystery Shoppers, Nerd~analysis paralysis, No $ to buy, Nobody Talkers, NO READ AD, Nothing to do but inquire on ads, Nut Crackers, Perfectionist, Quack, Quintessential Dreamers, Re-sellers, Retired Poker, Sour Grapes, Tire Kickers, Vitriolic, Vultures, Wacko and Window Shoppers. {Go to Mall, Dealer or Amazon for that�}
If you are broke, and just want to beat seller down and whine about price, please don't waste your time and mine. Wishing best of luck finding another one. 
--------------------------------------------
No trade for cars/trucks, mopeds, bores, donkeys, clunkers, mobile homes, toaster, ATV or 8 track tapes,
your x girl/boy friend, old PC, MTV or Big Box TV.
ONLY HAVE WHAT AD SHOWS. NO international/foreign sales.
Will not sell or donate to Non-Profit Organization. {Charity begins @ home.}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bed 6 feet 2 inches long. Outside top size: Long 74 � x 61 � Wide.
Vinyl Mazda bed liner. 4 tie down steel loops inside bed corners. Original to truck and from Mazda. 
Bed liner Not available for sale as a one piece item.
Mazda step bumper with under mount Reese style hitch. 1 1/2" square receiver.
Looks to be a class III hitch?
200 lbs. tongue load max, 2,000 1bs trailer load max. {Engraved on bumper.}
Wired for lights. Insert ball hitch not included. Northern Tool sells for $25.
Original spare tire, jack and owner manual included.
White Paint is faded. Interior tan is in excellent condition and clean. Underside has no rust mud or grease. 
Can be seen any day from sunrise to 3:00 PM. Need 8+ hours notice and not raining. No evening show. Prospect buyer will be asked to present valid unexpired SC driver's license before test drive. Same as dealers require. Owner is NOT a dealer. 
Is a seasoned business person with reputation for high ethics and performing as agreed.
No $399 dealer fee. No PayPal. No Bitcoin or cryptocurrency. Bank Cashiers Check OK. Buyer must obtain business card from person that issued cashiers check. No personal checks or cash, except for deposit.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Local own since new. Ownership history documents as proof can be presented.
No rust, no accidents, flood, rental/lease/commercial/fleet use, lightening strikes, dents, scrapes or dings. That is what dealers sell, but dealers do not have trucks like this one.
No lien and title in hand.
� Seller will allow local inspection by third party @ Buyer cost.
� Service paper records available for Buyer review. Included in sale.
New: JVC CD Receiver KD-R330, Aux-in, Bluetooth adapt ready, 20watts RMSx4. Professionally installed. mobil.jvc.com. Has 4 old original factory speakers that work.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recent Service/Repair Records: Oil changed often.
125,025 Replace Radiator,H2O Pump,Rad Hose,Cap,Coolant,3 Belts-Gates,FT Brake Pads, Calipers, brake fluid.
125,675 Replace PCM {computer} and Distributor and Ignition Wires.
126,920 Align and 2 lights
127,057 Replace bypass hose, radiator hose,clamp, gasket-throttle body and brakleen
127,501 Replace Exhaust System-Engine all the way back.
128,001 Torsion Rod-Front End, Right side. New wipers.
128,670 Repair Brace and Inner Fender to Replace Coolant 3/4 Hose 8",2 Clamps
128,670 Replace Center U-Joint and Window Washer Pump.
131,586 Cooling system flush including block. New 50/50 Coolant.
131,589 Cross rotate tires, inspect brakes- Rear NG and Front like new
131,590 Align, Inspect rear brakes. Front End Inspect (OK and solid.)
131,613 Rear Brakes: Shoes/Linings, 2 Wheel Cylinders and Spring Kit and bleed
131,613 Spark Plugs-NGK V-Power Copper, ZFR5F-11 2262 Gap .044".
131,613 Valve Cover Bolts-Tighten
131,613 Degrease Under Hood
131,641 JVC CD Receiver KD-R330, Aux-in,Bluetooth adapt ready,20watts RMSx4
131,660 Master Cylinder- Dormen. Flush brake fluid, fill and bleed.
131,697 Deagrease Under Side Engine and Front End -Spray Wash
131,698 4 Shock Absorbers-Monroe Gas-Matic Truck-Yellow. Front 59025 and Rear 59003
131,705 Rear Differential Gear Oil 80-90w-Change. Tighten Oil Pan Bolts
131,843 5% Tint Band-Winshield Top
131,913 Valve Cover Gasket
132,013 Wipers
132,015 Battery hold down. Air Filter.
132,175 Battery,Marine Start M243, 800 CCA. Advance
132,180 Idler/Tensioner Pulley. {For Belt.}
132,193 New Tires; Hankook Optimo (4) Whitewall. 205/75R14
132,246 Cable, Shifter Selector- Tighten. Solenoid disconnect-brake to AT shifter.
132,277 Dist. Cap and Rotor
132,646 ATF Flush and refill all 8 quarts -Dextron III
Total spent on above $4,276. [Not sell price.] Plus time to get done.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
~SPECIFICATIONS AND CAPACITIES~
Made Sept.1989 as 1990 model year in Hiroshima Japan. Sold new 1/24/1990 locally.
Engine: 2.6 Liter, 4 Cylinder SOHC, 12 valves. Fuel injection. 121 hp (90 kW), 149 lb�ft (202 N�m). Bore and stroke are 92.0 mm and 98.0 mm. 2.6 Liter- Offered in USA for Mazda PU from 1988-1993.Also used 1989-1996 in Mazda MPV {mini van}.
Automatic 4-speed with Overdrive. Shifter on floor.
Curb Weight 3095 lbs + bed liner- unloaded. GVWR 4,500 lbs. Payload 1,405 lbs.
Turning Diameter 39.40 in.
Overall Length 193.70 in. Overall Width 65.70 in.
Overall Height 61.60 in. Wheelbase 117.50 in.
Track Front 55.10 in.
Track Rear 55.50 in.
Front: Torsion Bars and gas shocks. {no struts}
Rear Spring Type: Leaf
Front Headroom 38.60 in. Rear Headroom 36.80 in.
Front Legroom 42.40 in. Rear Legroom 28.00 in.
Brakes Type Power: Front Disc. Rear Brake: Drum
Gas Tank 14.80 gallons. Regular unleaded.
Oil: 5 quarts 10w40
AT: 7.90 quarts Dextron III
Cooling: 7.90 quarts 50/50.
Rear differential: 1.4 quarts 80-90 gear oil.
EPA Fuel Economy (MPG) 2600 cc, Automatic 4-spd with OD, Regular Gasoline:
City 19. Highway 24
No: Air bags, Bluetooth, ABS, ESC, MP3, NAV, TPMS, USB or idiot control. Has 12v lighter and ashtray. Original floor mats.
Original MSRP $10,500 in 1990. {No relevance to current market value.}
========================================
cars.com review:
2600cc was largest 4 cylinder offered by Mazda in truck. Achieved as good or better MPG than smaller engine versions. Cab+ was Madza name for more often called extended cab. Rear seats fold up flat against back of cab, making for generous load area behind front seats. Front suspension is torsion bar type, instead of struts.That means has 4 shock absorbers that are less costly to replace. Cab is tall with much headroom. Few owners will part with Mazda B Series trucks. There are reports of engine lasting 300K miles. Hard to find used. 
========================
~Frequently Asked Questions with Answers~
Q. Warranty?
None. Sold AS IS and WHERE IS with all faults. As is condition may change post sale. No repairs, adjustments, refunds, rebate, returns, fix or liable. WHERE IS means Buyer must take delivery in Greenville, SC. Will not bring to any other location for Buyer to view truck or deliver.
Q. How come used small trucks cost much more than in past years ago?
A. Supply and Demand. This is called "THE MARKET". That is what drives prices.
As a whole, public is holding on to old trucks making for fewer used to buy.
Economy Japanese trucks are preferred and supply is limited.NADA and Kelly Blue do not have vehicles for sale. Values stated in price guides for old trucks are mostly unavailable. MARKET drives prices.
At least if you buy my truck, then you get the best probable condition, service proof and owner history with top MPG. 
Original new cost DOES NOT determine present market value. 
Q. Is Seller obligated to sell to any person or when Buyer loan is obtained to pay for truck?
A. Seller reserves the right to decline any person from buying. Loan payment, is seller sole discretion to reject, coming from any institution that Seller deems to be incompetent, ineffective, lacking experience, disrespectful, dorky, wasting seller's time, lack of disclosure or a pain in the posterior. NO international sales.
Seller paid cash when he bought truck. NO Loan lien payoff to be dealt with. Title in hand.
Q. Can Dad/Mom/Grandparents or young adult child come see truck without other family persons present?
A. All must be involved from start and be present @ same time to view vehicle, despite who is paying. This means that both person paying and vehicle recipient, such as young adult, partner or gift recipient must view vehicle @ same time. Seller will send photos and info to non-paying recipient for review.
Q. Buying as gift for another person?
OK. Requires both recipient and person paying to view vehicle @ same time. Such as young adult or partner. All must be involved from start. Surprise gift not supported. Too many vagaries. Recipient upfront acceptance required. 
Q. What if Buyer can't speak English?
El Vendedor No Habla Espanol. Sorry, Seller only speaks English. Ask Domingo Esteban Gonzalez Navarro for help. Bring your bi-lingual interpreter, if prospect buyer cannot speak English. Take FREE ESL course.{English as Second Language}. 
Welcome to USA.
Q. Can I get truck inspected?
Yes, @ buyer cost and local. Maybe Domingo can inspect for you?
Q. Will seller accept other vehicles/property as a trade or barter?
A. Sale is intended to be cashiers check. Offers to trade, either the item for sale or a separate item, aren't permitted. Seller will cooperate if Buyer needs to get loan, when disclosed, which is required. Buyer statements such as "cash or check to you (seller)" when loan is being obtained by Buyer, does NOT get Seller out of loan process. When any loan is being obtained, that is NOT a cash sale. No Paypal, Bitcoin or electronic payments. No cryptocurrency.
Q. What is cash sale?
A. Means person paying has full amount of ad price on deposit now in buyer's name in account @ bank. Loan check is not cash sale. Parents $ is not your money.
Q. Can Buyer negotiate price or make offers on phone or by sending the Seller a message/question?
A. NO! Must see what you're buying first to know what vehicle is worth and make offer in person .
Q. My Dad/family is paying for my vehicle purchase. Can I negotiate on the price?
A. NO! Seller will only negotiate in person with person paying for vehicle. When you work, earn and save $ paying for vehicle, then you get to be the entitled big shot. Seller will email young adult recipient info, photos, explain all features and show vehicle to young adult, with parent or legal guardian present. Seller must speak with parent or legal guardian before showing vehicle to young adult. Buyer must be 18+ years old and have unexpired drivers license.
Q. Why selling?
A1. No reason in particular and everything in general.
A2. Call me finicky, like Morris the cat.
A3. Likes to fix up and sell after using for a while. Added value for Buyer.
A4. Seller can afford to be discretionary. Will buy another one, probably newer?
That means you get to buy a great used truck.
Q. During what hours may the vehicle be delivered and final payment be made by Buyer?
A. Final delivery and payment must be Monday - Friday 8:00 am to 1:00 pm when banks are open. Buyer must obtain business card from person that issued cashiers check {not personal check} at bank/credit union and present to Seller.
Reason is that Seller must call bank that issued cashiers check to confirm that check is genuine. Regrettably counterfeit cashiers checks and bank employees stealing blank original checks are an increasing fraud. Currency payment requires buyer and seller going to bank for security. No personal checks, except for deposit to hold vehicle @ agreed price.
Q. Will Seller finance the sale?
A. NO. Seller is not a buy here/pay here car lot, bank, credit union, finance company, dealer, sugar Daddy, rich Uncle, attorney, social service agency, non-profit organization or your lender. If your credit score is 640 or above, then Seller will provide Buyer with referral to a banker for a loan @ a low interest rate. Do you know your credit score? In most cases banks will not lend on vehicles 8+ years old.
***Price does not include sales tax, title, tags, governmental fees, any emissions testing charges [none in SC], insurance, county property tax, shipping and any finance charges (if applicable).
Q. Can I get truck inspected?
A. Yes, @ buyer cost and local. Maybe Domingo can inspect for you?
Q. Will seller work with shipper?
A. Yes. Buyer must arrange all shipping, pay service provider directly and disclose shipper contact info to seller in advance of pickup and vehicle delivery to shipper. Buyer must pay seller directly for vehicle. Payment for vehicle not to come from or involve shipper. Buyer must provide written Power of Attorney or similar authorization to shipper. Must be presented by shipper to seller before delivery. Will not sell to Nigeria, Russia or any country restricted by USA Homeland Security or a source of terrorists.
Q. What happens if I ask questions that are answered above?
A. Will be quoted above answers and advised to read info provided. {skim/scan is not read.}
Q. What if I am too lazy to read?
A. Call 1-800-CRY-BABY.
Q. What happens if inappropriate, obscene or off topic messages are sent to seller.
A. Will be given the consideration deserved. Communication must conform to Conduct Code and Terms of Service for craigslist and Email accounts. Spammers and fraudsters will be detected.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HUMOR SECTION~ Remember what they said:
*Lee Iacocca: "If you can find a better car, then buy it!" and "Lead follow or get out of the way!"
*Packard: "Ask the man that owns one."
*Richard Butterfield: "The quality of the product is remembered long after the price is forgotten."
*Warren Buffet: "The dirt comes out in the rinse cycle." and "Price is what is paid and value is what you get."
*Peter Paul: "Those that can-do. Those that can't-teach. Those that can't teach- teach the teachers."
*Alfred E. Newman: "What me worry?"
*JFK: "We must deal with the world for what it has become, rather than what we had expected it to be."
*Leslie Faye: "Life is not a dress rehearsal."
* Jonathan Swift ~ "Vision is the art of seeing what is invisible to others."
* John Bogle: "Information is separate from and building blocks of knowledge. Experience is doing, followed by wisdom learned from outcome."
* Mark Twain: "A man who will not read is just as ignorant as one who cannot read." and
"History does not repeat, but it rhymes."
*Terafumi Sasocki: "Every dog has its day."
*Live the life you love and love the life you live. Live and let live.
*You can sit in the waiting room or wait in the sitting room. (Who said that?)
*ALS: "Everything in life is relative to what your used to."
*Tony Rose: "Show me a rose or leave me alone."
* Yogi Berra: "You can observe a lot by watching."
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.
"If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."
"I never said most of the things I said."
"The future ain't what it used to be."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets."
"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much."
"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
"Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."
"There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"It ain't over till it's over."
Lawrence Peter "Yogi" Berra (May 12, 1925 -- September 22, 2015)
*Peter Bernstein: "There is no certainty. Rational people do not bet the ranch on a model with an [R-squared] of less than 1.00, that works out only for the most part. And God forbid it works out only for the minor part!
Consequences, not probabilities, determine the decisions that matter."
*"Cash talks and B**L S**T walks." [car salesman said this.]
*Albert Einstein: "Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."
Thanks for looking. (Are we having fun yet?)
Bottom-line ========================================

No idiot control!? I’m out. 

I was in until I saw that it was automatic. 

I had a chuckle at "Not obligated to sell to or entertain: Big Hat-No Cattle". I haven't heard that phrase in a long time.