"What have you done with your Dad Lately?"

I called my dad today on the phone... we don't do much together anymore since we live on opposite sides of the country, but we used to be inseparable when I was younger. Now we kind of have our own lives and don't make time to talk too often anymore. He never really understood my car obsession, (he still doesn't) nor my need to always spend money on proper tires... (it was a "waste" you see...) but then again I never understood his bicycles, either.

Any single dad who fights to keep and raise his oldest daughter is a pretty cool person in my book. :) I know I wasn't easy.

My dad and I did have a pretty tense five or six years. I guess it's sort of like Mark Twain said (paraphrasing), 'When I was seventeen my father was the dumbest person I had ever known. I could not believe someone so dense could even breathe. When I turned 25, it was amazing how much he had learned in eight years.'

My dad and I arn't very close, though I do credit him for my car knowledge and desire to work on cars and race cars. Daily, i will brag about my dad, running Ferrari race teams and flying to the North Pole and racing motorcycles. But he hasn't been a "father", more of an associate I guess you would say.

He and I bicker over the stupidest things to the point where I do not want to see him or bring my daughter around him. Currently, he is upset that i "lost" his tap and die set. I haven't touched it, though he insists that I took it from his tool box and lost it. He also thinks since I traded my little brother a set of Volvo Turbo wheels, he got the losing end of the deal because "they are bent up and out of round". It is absolutely ridiculous that he favors a different son on a different week. My Mum seems to think he is "jealous" since I make more money than him and he gave up his high paying job at Ferrari and now works in a monkey grease shop, doing the same thing as he previously did at Ferrari but for a quarter of what he was making.

Growing up, he use to wake me up at 4 in the morning to watch F1 races, teach me how to rip apart mini motorcycles and small engines, take me to the race track, anything! He was a joy to be around. As of the last 5 years or so, he just doesn't want anything to do with me. It's unfortunate. I now consider my girlfriend's father closer to me than my own dad! He and i actually sit down, have a conversation for an hour or so over different topics, shares a beer or glass of wine with me. So now I am closer to him than I have been with my dad in the last 5 years!

I sure do hope things change between him and myself. I am really proud of all the things he has done and only hope I can accomplish half the things he has done in his lifetime.

My dad worked as an independent contractor for the government. It is only recently that we have discussed some of the things he did & worked on. As a kid dad went to "work" but we all knew it was a little different than the other dads in the neighborhood. Saying I had a weird childhood is an understatement. An example of this is my babysitter was the daughter of the Shaw of Iran. The cocktail parties at my house were very interesting. Seeing armed men standing around was "normal". I look back on it and wonder what a normal childhood would be.

On the other hand there was one thing that I did with dad that I looked forward to. Once a month or so he would work on the 63 Comet. Plugs, points, oil change, carb cleaner or adjustment. There was always something. This was the time I got to have with my dad when I was young when I was 6-8 years old. During this time my bedtime stories were often my dad reading the factory service manual for the car to me so he could figure out what was wrong with the car after he supposedly fixed it with me that afternoon. (and you wonder why I like cars)

As I got older Dad was always working or traveling for work this became the norm as I went through high school. We never got real close because of this. And because of what he did he could not discus it with me. It is funny that I still remember some of the little things. Those few times we got to play catch or the time he told me that there is a time when defending your self is the correct thing to do.

As I got towards the end of high school I went to work for the same company that he worked for. This required that I get clearance by the government so this allowed dad to talk with me about things at work. It opened up a whole new world to me. The more I learned about the stuff dad was working on the more I understood things and respected my dad (this was at the height of the cold war by the way). You don't advertise what you did or who you knew. To everyone else my dad was just another civil engineer. When I was asked in school what my father did I would say he was a civil Engineer. But to me he was working on saving my world, our world. I found out later that this is really what they believed. The threat from Russia was real and it is what drove these guys to work 18-20 hour days and travel to far off places to oversee there designs being built. They were saving the USA and he free world.

Then things changed. On day my dad took me aside and told me that he just did not want to be remembered as the guy that had designed all these things. It was then that he went from a moderate democrat to being a fanatical liberal. I could just not be around him anymore. Everything was Bush's fault. If it was raining it was Bush's fault if it was sunny out it was Bush's fault. Something just snapped in him. I have always suspected that something that he designed was used in a manor that was not what he thought it should be used for or it resulted in people getting killed. Kind of like the guy that drops the bombs from 20,000 feet and does not realise that he is killing people. Then one day he sees the aftermath I think my dad may have had that kind of realisation. Anyway this change in him really drove us apart to the point at we could not be together socially. His politics and views of things were embarrassing to me.

Then 7 years back when I had my son and I named him after my two grandfathers. This changed him. I think he may have had a dose of mortality handed to him. Things were getting better between us after my son showed up but then my middle daughter (she is 20 now) decided to make some rally bad choices and that has led to a tremendous rif in the family with him on the other side due to my mothers involvement in things.

I have not spoken to him or done anything with him in quite some time. I have not kept him from his grandson but it has been along time since he has seen him. It makes me sad. I have wanted to just show up with my son some saturday afternoon and drag him up to the local 1/4 mile circle track and let him see his grandson get all excited as the car go round and round. Or just go fishing with the three of us on the lake where he use to take me as a kid. Or just go get an ice cream. For some reason i just can not do it. Dad will be 80 soon. I know I am running out of time.

Tim's article really hit close to home when i read it last night. Thank you Tim for sharing. You having the courage to make public a very personal and painful experience has given me the courage to put things aside and try to mend things with dad and let him get to know his only grandson. Time is not infinite and I know I am running out of it.

Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, but as involved as my dad was in my life and with the magazines, I felt I owed it to him and to our loyal readers to explain why they won't see many more pictures of him helping with projects.

In reply to Tim Suddard:

No worries, that was a great column. It had to be difficult to write.

Any chance it could be posted online in the future? My subscription has run out and I'm waiting for Christmas so the grandparents have something to give me.

friedgreencorrado wrote: In reply to Tim Suddard: No worries, that was a great column. It had to be difficult to write.

Plus one, and thanks for writing it, Tim. It's tough for me to remember my dad as he was when I was a kid, then to contrast that with the last time I saw him alive.

It's not just our fathers, when we are kids our mothers are the center of our world. I watch my mom getting older and I know that her time left is limited.

We all go through this, maybe the exact circumstances are different. But knowing that it's pretty universal doesn't make it any easier.

The funny thing about my dad is how much he has changed over the years.

• When I was young, he was really smart. I mean, he was the smartest person on the planet!
• Then as I got older and entered my teen years, he got really stupid. He didn't know anything about anything. I knew so much more than him and he was always wrong.
• Then as I became a young adult, he started getting smart again. Even about stuff he said when I was a teen.
• Now that I am adult, he is really smart again. Man, that guy knows everything!

(Love you dad, sorry about the teen years!)

I became a dad on Sunday at 8:18pm

In reply to Storz:

Congratulations!

Curmudgeon wrote: In reply to Storz: Congratulations!

Thanks! This morning is the first chance I've had to breath lol. My son Oskar was born at home with two nurse midwives attending, all natural after 26 hours of labor. 8lbs 6oz 22.5" long. I have a whole new respect for my wife (who is now napping with Oskar). I'l post a pic or two later

mguar wrote: In reply to Curmudgeon: I'm sorry but I have no such affection for my Mother.. My grandmother (who really raised me) tells me that my mother believed changing diapers more than once a day was a waste of time.. My only real memory was the day she left with her new boyfriend. She sat me any my 3 year old sister on the coach and threatened us both with a spanking if we got off it before dad got home. That was about noon.. Dad got home from work at 6:00. She came back into our life about age 14 for a little over a year, my next contact was when I was 23 and then again when she inherited 15 million from her last husband and blew it all in gamboling over a 18 month period when I was 40. Since then I haven't heard from her I have no idea if she's alive or dead..

Robin Williams said once that having a kid was like shooting craps; you might get a seven, you might get snake eyes. He left out the part where it's a crapshoot for the kid as well, only he/she has no input at all; they are trapped in whatever world the 'adults' have created for them.

My ex really did her damndest to screw things up and wreck all of our lives, I won't bore you with the details. But like your mom, my ex will at some point have to face her mistakes and answer some serious questions from my daughter. I know that because she has already asked me some of them, and I have told her the exchange on those subjects needs to be between the two of them. When it happens it won't be pleasant, I can assure you. Or she may simply blow her off and act like nothing ever happened.

pinchvalve wrote: The funny thing about my dad is how much he has changed over the years. * When I was young, he was really smart. I mean, he was the smartest person on the planet! * Then as I got older and entered my teen years, he got really stupid. He didn't know anything about anything. I knew so much more than him and he was always wrong. * Then as I became a young adult, he started getting smart again. Even about stuff he said when I was a teen. * Now that I am adult, he is really smart again. Man, that guy knows everything! (Love you dad, sorry about the teen years!) Your words are right on! About the only thing I could add is "In the end if you are lucky you end up just like him" I am 66 and my wife of 43 years reminds me often "you are just like your dad" with whom she had a (my mom also) great relationship. My dad was never a rich man but was a extremely hard worker, responsible and would lend a hand to anyone in need. His words of wisdom to me "If you can't find time to do it right the first time when are you going to find time to do it again" That applied to every facet of his life rather it was fixing something, raising a family, being a father or a friend and everything else.

Agreed. Being just like my Dad used to be an insult, now I can only hope.

So far, I have the hairline and belly...

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This is one of the best days that I have spent with my dad and brother in quite some time. I am in the plaid shirt, dad wearing a tie and brother with the white shirt. We all work together and it sometimes is too much togetherness. Flying always brings us together, we need to fly more often

That had to be the hardest article you have written. I shared it with my wife to let her see that GRM wasnt just about cars and racing. My dad never understood the car thing or the need to have a relaxing hobby. His life was politics and unfortunately drinking. I have tried to stay away from both in my adult life. Having said that, my father always backed me in my endeavors and tried to do what he could to help me break thru the "good old boy" network that exists in small rural counties. We got along better as we both aged. And we were on very good terms when the cancer got him.
There are no such things as good parents or good kids and there certainly isnt a formula on how to be either of them. It is all in just being realistic and genuine in your efforts.

pinchvalve wrote: The funny thing about my dad is how much he has changed over the years. * When I was young, he was really smart. I mean, he was the smartest person on the planet! * Then as I got older and entered my teen years, he got really stupid. He didn't know anything about anything. I knew so much more than him and he was always wrong. * Then as I became a young adult, he started getting smart again. Even about stuff he said when I was a teen. * Now that I am adult, he is really smart again. Man, that guy knows everything! (Love you dad, sorry about the teen years!)

That is so perfectly true. Dad's looking pretty smart nowadays.

What did I do with my Dad lately?

Today, I thought about my dad and the good times we had together.

This was a great read, the thread brings back the lost troubled days with my dad and the sweet times. By the time I found he was such a wonderful man with great history and stories a cancer had pointed a finite finger on our remaining time together.

The last year or so we spent hitting as many golf courses as we could. Dad'd pick me up in his '82 Monte Carlo at 4:00 a.m. to get a good tee time - - wish I had that Monte today! We never talked much, shared coffee in the morning, a beer or 2 on the back nine and some cuss words. I could do a few more days like that.

What am I going to do with my kids everyday?

Everything I can think of.

In reply to pilotbraden:

Waittaminnit! Your brother's in the left-hand seat? Doesn't that make you co-pilotbraden?

(ducking, running away serpentine)

Seriously, nice shot.