Am I a bad person?

For a number of health reasons my wife can't have kids. We knew this before we were married and I was ok with it. Most of our friends and some of our siblings have kids and we are ok as the fun aunt and uncle. In the last year there has been a baby boom among us and we are looked down upon at times and told how we are depriving our familys of joy. We have talked about adopting and most agencys won't deal with people that have some of the problems my wife has so that isn't much of an option either. It sems like whenever we meet people one of the first questions is how many kids do you have, then an awkward silence. Is it wrong that I am ok not having kids?

Its not wrong if you are truly OK with it. BTW, if you really want to adopt, don't be convinced you can't without actually talking to people or agencies who do it. The vast majority of people in the process are actually trying to make you look good on paper despite all the steps with names making them sound like investigations.

I have been there; both my parents bugged all of us kids about bringing along grandkids and of four sons I am the only one who has a child. And it was our choice, not my parent's. Strangely, my (soon to be ex) in laws never said a peep about it.

Never let anyone else make you feel guilty for not having kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

If you are truly considering adoption, remember it's like being birth parents; there is a tremendous change in your life. It's best you come to terms with that before adopting, rather than just jumping headlong into something which involves another complete human being's life. It is definitely not something you should contemplate because someone else is dumping a guilt trip on you.

For what its worth, I think you are a good person, The planet is waay over-populated as is. We really don't need any more humans at this point.

-Chris R.

Just had our 25th wedding anniversary - made it so far without kids. If it's really important to you - don't rule out adoption. If you're ok with things - don't sweat it on what others think. If they get on your nerves you can always let them know kids aren't always an option for everyone. We've come across quite a few couples that don't have kids either by choice or circumstance. You might miss some social stuff like soccer and the PTA, but you get time to play with cars and can take up a whole variety of life-threatening hobbies without too much worry - like motorcycles, racing, flying, skydiving... Oh yeah, dogs can be potty trained in a couple of weeks and you don't have to save up for college.

Wally wrote: Is it wrong that I am ok not having kids?

No, there's nothing wrong with that.

The "cool uncle" is a wonderful role....

Being okay with not having kids isn't what makes you a bad person.

Not at all, but I'm getting damn annoyed at everyone telling me I need them as well.

One of the guys at work, his wife brought in their new twins today, so of course everyone stood around for 20 minutes looking at them, except me and a few others (dept of about 25).

All the women that work there kept making comments about "When am I gonna have some?" "Don't you want to hold them?"

I finally had to tell them if they said one more thing about it, I was going to file a harassment complaint with HR.

No, you aren't a bad person. You make people laugh. The world always needs more laughter.

JoeyM wrote:

Wally wrote: Is it wrong that I am ok not having kids?

No, there's nothing wrong with that. The "cool uncle" is a wonderful role....

Seriously! Not having children is NOT a bad thing. Children are a personal decision and not a social requirement. I detest parents that look down on people who choose not to breed (for any reason).

Anybody who makes you feel bad about such a personal thing is not only overstepping their boundaries, they're a rude shiny happy person.

I once had someone suggest to me that I was selfish for being childless. Selfish? In a world so overcrowded that species are dying every day, the water is quickly becoming poisonous and we've somehow managed to work our way through millions of years worth of accumulated fossil fuels?

I think not!

30 years of marriage and no kids. And it was me that didnt want to pass on a medical condition. I made sure that every serious gf was aware of the situation. Yeah, I missed a portion of life(PTA, soccer, etc) but we have done plenty of alternate activities. We checked into adopting but finally decided not to do it. Being involved in setting aside an adoption due to fraud by DCS sure didnt help.
Dont let the world make you feel guilty. We all make choices and just have to live with them. To pass on a medical condition was just too deliberate for me.

Just go to Chuckee Cheese and pick one up. There's always a few extra there.

As others have said, you are not a bad person for being content with your life as it is and not wanting children. If you and your wife are happy with your life then it's no one else's business.

I am almost 40, single, and childless.. while I do not get to travel in the same social circles that my married and childbearing friends do.. nobody makes me feel bad about.. not even my parents.

I stand a VERY good chance on passing along a medical condition.. so my decision to remain childness has unfortunately chased away a lot of girlfriends over the years.

After 2 1/2 years of our first and 8 months of our second, I can absolutely assure you that if you DON'T wants kids it's probably an encouraging sign of self-awareness. The only people who should have kids should WANT kids, otherwise you'd go postal.

But having said that the good times far outweigh the bad.

I feel bad that you didn't have the option, though. That probably nags at the wife, even if she doesn't say so. I think there's an inherent need on a great number of their side to prove the plumbing works, but I won't speculate as to what the psychological reasons might be.

Yes you are a bad person! Not for not having kids, that is a personal choice and other people should keep their noses out of your life.

But, you should get out of NY as soon as possible or you could go from bad to worse. jk

If not wanting kids makes you a bad person, count me in! Doesn't bother me at all.

A coworker of mine adopted. They were trying and trying to be approved, then they got a phone call that "their" baby would be arriving in a week. From nothing to a newborn in a week - now there is one rapid life change.

You're a good guy for thinking about it BEFORE having kids.

Nothing wrong with not having kids and being OK with it. There are some that should have chosen that route by the news. My favorite saying that always raised eyebrows is kids are great when they belong to someone else.
Relish the uncle thing, you can always give them back when you're tired of them.

the people looking down at you are the bad people.

You might be interested in this:

http://www.newsweek.com/2008/06/28/having-kids-makes-you-happy.html

There is a huge difference between being "childless" and "childfree"

I had a vasectomy at age 21. It took a bit of convincing to get the urologist to agree to it. Damn close to my 40's and I still consider it one of the best decisions I have ever made. I was lucky to meet my wife who also had no interest in procreation.

Take pride in your lifestyle. Live your life your way and give a big middle finger to any who want to assimilate/change you. They are just trying to drag you down.

I had three before I was 23. Just say the plumbing worked better than the brain. Then they all did basically the same thing. Then their kids did the same thing. Now I'm a great grandfather 3 times over. And my grandson is in prison for domestic violence. All three of my own kids are divorced. The amoeba had the right idea. Back in my single days I dated a girl that adopted twin baby boys. Daddy was a murderer in Texas. Guess what, baby boys were the spawn of Satan. Enjoy your situation, you are blessed.

hey, at least you won't need a babysitter when you go swinging.