An Open Letter to my Delivery People...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that we are ordering so much stuff at seemingly random intervals of no activity and fury of every day deliveries. I hope it isn't an inconvenience. We were just waiting for Cyber Monday deals but they run them all week now! Thanks Amazon!

I'm sorry my wife doesn't bat an eye when it comes to ordering "team lift" items from Target, but expects you to hump that damn heavy box of who-knows-what onto our porch by yourself. Hopefully not cracking a concrete step in the process. You know how crazy homeowners are with their security cameras nowadays. Was that crack there this morning?

I'm sorry to the liquid propane truck driver. I'm sorry you obviously got stuck in my driveway. I'm sorry that I can only clear the 500 feet of gravel driveway so well without leaving the actual gravel on my lawn. I hope you didn't feel bad because you saw grass spit out from beneath your rear wheels onto the snow still all over my driveway. You were still on my driveway, it's just that grass grows there too. We won't send a lawn repair bill to your office, don't worry.

I'm sorry to anyone who delivers while we are home. I assure you, that I know you're a human being with a family and a life story. It's just that you have my new 'whatchamacallit' in that box you're carrying. And I want it. Now. Did I say 'thank you' aloud? If I did it was probably only a remark to 'the maker' that my new Star Wars toy finally got here. I'm sure you understand. Why are you looking at me funny, my robe was fully closed before I opened the door, wasn't it?

I'm sorry Chewie.com sent the 40lb kitty litter bag with the a bag of dry food and a flat of wet cat food all in one box. I could have lost a toe right through my slipper if I would have dropped it. The cat doesn't like cold litter, so we warm it up near the fireplace, but watch out for the slippery ice-covered steps leading back to the rented delivery vehicle at 5 pm on a Saturday. It's already dark out!?!?

I just got an email from amazon that my package was just delivered, so I got to go but, I just wanted to say I'm sorry! Stay safe out there and I'm sure I'll remember to smile and wave ... to you next time! Thank You! And Happy Holidays!

Love it. I would like to add my own apologies to the shippers that deliver to my home. 

I'm sorry that we have a gate. It's a real sumbitch sometimes, trust me I know.  It uses fancy gate technology that's been in use since probably the 1600s, so it's no wonder that y'all have trouble with it. Somehow my dog can open it but USPS appears to have rammed it with their delivery truck out of frustration. 

I'm also sorry that the house numbers don't go in order on my street, that whole sequential thing is so boring. It's totally fine to just give up and leave other people's mail and packages here, I'm sure the intended recipients didn't really want them anyway. 

In reply to EastCoastMojo :

I love it!

I'll add to my postal guy, please stop bringing me my neighbors' mail.  It's the right number but wrong street.  First it was junk that I'm sure they didn't mind me trashing (ads), then it was Spanish language People magazines, the other day it was two Amazon packages.  (The magazines and packages I drove down the street.  Merry berkeleying Xmas!)

In reply to Jerry :

Nice.

I wonder just how much of my mail local folks have thrown out over the years.

I try to be nice.  I keep dumping the wrong mail back into the post office's box so they can attempt to redeliver.

My record is getting the same diesel power magazine delivered FOUR times.  Like Jerry, right number, wrong street.

Maybe I should be looking for a gig with the postal service.

I did notice there was a sign outside of the post office that said they were looking for "Casual/Temporary Help Wanted".

Now I know what temporary help means, but what the hell is "Casual" about a federal employment?

In reply to RossD :

You don’t get a fancy uniform?

RossD said:

I did notice there was a sign outside of the post office that said they were looking for "Casual/Temporary Help Wanted".

Now I know what temporary help means, but what the hell is "Casual" about a federal employment?

Simple: they aren’t Federal Employees.  They are contractors and don’t get the Federal employee benefits and generally aren’t as good as the feds.

I've watched a bunch of "delivery dares" (research purposes of course) and want to be a delivery man now.

NSFW by the way