Berkley me! I'm a dad again!

golfduke said:

I'm not a canoe and I know how old this thread is, but I need to bump it to the top... 

Our family have been fostering a wonderful baby girl for 9 months now, in hopes that we could adopt her.  It's been a wild ride and tumultuous to say the least, but we love her so much.  We just got word that she is being reunified with her birth mom on April 16th, and we are completely devastated.  Javelin- your words through searches have helped some- it truly does feel like someone is slowly ripping out your insides while you're present to feel it. 

 

I don't know why I'm writing this... I just, need to let it out somewhere.  I'm berkeleying hurting really bad, and it's really hard to find the silver lining  at this point in time.  The next two weeks are going to be freaking awful.  

 

There's not a right or wrong way to feel.  Our brains are not built to deal with your reality.  Control your actions because that's what responsible adults do, but let the emotions do what they need to.  Be hurt.  Be angry.  Be confused.  Be betrayed.  Be sad.  And if you can, be hopeful.  Maybe birth mom really did get her E36 M3 together and is ready to do the work.  Don't burn bridges - baby girl may need you again.  We had a boomerang foster.  Round 1, dad berkeleyed up and she went back in the system.  Round 2, momma got her E36 M3 in order and the girl went back to mom, in what to all appearances ended up being a positive environment.  She spent several months with us when she was 7.  She graduated high school last year.  She visited us a handful of times in the intervening years.

You're in my prayers man.  Let the tears come.  It's OK.  Lean on each other.  Be there for each other.  Lean on pros if you need to.  I was too proud to at the time and I should have.  

DILYSI Dave said:

golfduke said:

I'm not a canoe and I know how old this thread is, but I need to bump it to the top... 

Our family have been fostering a wonderful baby girl for 9 months now, in hopes that we could adopt her.  It's been a wild ride and tumultuous to say the least, but we love her so much.  We just got word that she is being reunified with her birth mom on April 16th, and we are completely devastated.  Javelin- your words through searches have helped some- it truly does feel like someone is slowly ripping out your insides while you're present to feel it. 

 

I don't know why I'm writing this... I just, need to let it out somewhere.  I'm berkeleying hurting really bad, and it's really hard to find the silver lining  at this point in time.  The next two weeks are going to be freaking awful.  

 

There's not a right or wrong way to feel.  Our brains are not built to deal with your reality.  Control your actions because that's what responsible adults do, but let the emotions do what they need to.  Be hurt.  Be angry.  Be confused.  Be betrayed.  Be sad.  And if you can, be hopeful.  Maybe birth mom really did get her E36 M3 together and is ready to do the work.  Don't burn bridges - baby girl may need you again.  We had a boomerang foster.  Round 1, dad berkeleyed up and she went back in the system.  Round 2, momma got her E36 M3 in order and the girl went back to mom, in what to all appearances ended up being a positive environment.  She spent several months with us when she was 7.  She graduated high school last year.  She visited us a handful of times in the intervening years.

You're in my prayers man.  Let the tears come.  It's OK.  Lean on each other.  Be there for each other.  Lean on pros if you need to.  I was too proud to at the time and I should have.  

Thank you for the kind words.  I've cried so much I literally gave myself conjunctivitis.  It's been tough-  trying to balance our time with exxtended family has been very hard.  We have a week left, and it seems so long but also so short... Half of me feels like I just wish they'd have taken her without advance notice, but then I think of all of the painful-but-beautiful moments we've have with her this last week and it makes me feel like an awful person.  We met with bio mom for an afternoon this past weekend to offer literally any support she or the baby needs, and I hope that keeps us in her life orbit as much as she'll allow us to be...  But right now it just plain sucks.  I'm 'functioning', but not very well at all... 

Tomorrow is the day.  I wish I could tell you that I'm doing well with it, but I'm not.  This last two weeks it's felt like I'm being marched to the gallows, each day closer to the end of our time with her.  I know nobody is dying or anything, but damnit if it doesn't feel like it is...  I'm trying to see the light through the darkness, and there are lots of positives, but it's almost like my mind wont let me see them without some finality to it.  I dunno.  I'm just hurt, and heartbroken, and full of worry for my 4 year old daughter who is taking it hard and had no choice in the matter...  What have I done?? 

What you've done is give her the best life you could for as long as you could.

Of course you are heartbroken - no one with a heart wouldn't be.

golfduke said:

What have I done?? 

You've cared about a fragile human life that you wanted the best for even though she isn't "yours".

You've done your best.

You've set a good example for your 4 y.o. of how to handle a difficult situation that truly matters.

In reply to golfduke :

Statistically, your phone will ring again. 

You'll see in my earlier post that I wrote we figured we'd get that call again sometime. You'll also see that we had made a decision about that in advance. 

It was just about 4 months ago that we DID get that call. We held to our answer. Still hard to do.

I recommend that you and the wife have a conversation about that potential phone call, now.

Is there a possibility to, and would you feel like, transitioning your relationship something more akin to an aunt, uncle, cousin style. Maintain a relationship, that doesn't have daily interaction, but could have some future interaction. That relationship might also come with an invitation that you can stay with us if you ever need it. You = the kid, not so much the mom.

John Welsh said:

In reply to golfduke :

Statistically, your phone will ring again. 

You'll see in my earlier post that I wrote we figured we'd get that call again sometime. You'll also see that we had made a decision about that in advance. 

It was just about 4 months ago that we DID get that call. We held to our answer. Still hard to do.

I recommend that you and the wife have a conversation about that potential phone call, now.

 

Is there a possibility to, and would you feel like, transitioning your relationship something more akin to an aunt, uncle, cousin style. Maintain a relationship, that doesn't have daily interaction, but could have some future interaction. That relationship might also come with an invitation that you can stay with us if you ever need it. You = the kid, not so much the mom.

Wehave, and unless parental rights have already been terminated and the pathway to adoption is wide-open, we are not going to accept another not-sure-thing placement...

Thanks for the kind words.  It's hard to stay grounded for me, but you all help, so thank you. 

John Welsh said:

In reply to golfduke :

Statistically, your phone will ring again. 

You'll see in my earlier post that I wrote we figured we'd get that call again sometime. You'll also see that we had made a decision about that in advance. 

It was just about 4 months ago that we DID get that call. We held to our answer. Still hard to do.

I recommend that you and the wife have a conversation about that potential phone call, now.

 

Is there a possibility to, and would you feel like, transitioning your relationship something more akin to an aunt, uncle, cousin style. Maintain a relationship, that doesn't have daily interaction, but could have some future interaction. That relationship might also come with an invitation that you can stay with us if you ever need it. You = the kid, not so much the mom.

When we had our next-to-last placement returned to the birth mom, it was REALLY REALLY hard.  We told our DFCS contact "We're done.  Can't do it any more."  She followed up with "I understand.  Does that answer still apply if a child who has been in your home already comes back into the system?"  That felt to us like enough of a guardrail to protect our own well-being while still serving, if needed, a kid who we had already served.  And sho-nuff - a month later a boomerang appeared.  And it was a good thing.  She benefited from the familiarity while her family tried again, and we benefited from some healing that she brought to the wounds of the previous removal.  And where her dad had failed to step up during round 1, her mom did step up during round 2.  

DILYSI Dave said:

John Welsh said:

In reply to golfduke :

Statistically, your phone will ring again. 

You'll see in my earlier post that I wrote we figured we'd get that call again sometime. You'll also see that we had made a decision about that in advance. 

It was just about 4 months ago that we DID get that call. We held to our answer. Still hard to do.

I recommend that you and the wife have a conversation about that potential phone call, now.

 

Is there a possibility to, and would you feel like, transitioning your relationship something more akin to an aunt, uncle, cousin style. Maintain a relationship, that doesn't have daily interaction, but could have some future interaction. That relationship might also come with an invitation that you can stay with us if you ever need it. You = the kid, not so much the mom.

When we had our next-to-last placement returned to the birth mom, it was REALLY REALLY hard.  We told our DFCS contact "We're done.  Can't do it any more."  She followed up with "I understand.  Does that answer still apply if a child who has been in your home already comes back into the system?"  That felt to us like enough of a guardrail to protect our own well-being while still serving, if needed, a kid who we had already served.  And sho-nuff - a month later a boomerang appeared.  And it was a good thing.  She benefited from the familiarity while her family tried again, and we benefited from some healing that she brought to the wounds of the previous removal.  And where her dad had failed to step up during round 1, her mom did step up during round 2.  

I hear that for sure.  Unfortunately for us, a boomerang is highly unlikely since birthmom lives in a different state now, so any future DCYF intervention would be Massachusetts, and they won't place out of state without a blood-relative ICPC.  So unless mom Insists on placing back with us (a not-zero possibility since we've struck a rapport and have open communication lines), we are kinda boned. 

Either way-  we just want whats best for our daughter.  I pray every night that biomom can maintain sobriety and properly provide for her.  That's the best possible outcome now. 

golfduke said:

Either way-  we just want whats best for our daughter.  I pray every night that biomom can maintain sobriety and properly provide for her.  That's the best possible outcome now. 

That's all you can do.  Good on you and know that there's "strangers" out there in internet-land praying for your well-being as well as your daughter's.