Breaking up is hard...

While many friends IRL would mock me for posting this on an internet forum such as this (let alone an automotive one), I feel like GRM has a diversity of knowledge that is unmatched by many other communities and that it is one of the few places where you can get real good human advice as well.

So, to cut to the chase, I've come to the realization that I'm pretty unhappy in my relationship and I'm thinking of breaking things off. I guess at 24 and unmarried this should be easier, but it is difficult to find the words that you know will change everything you know immediately after uttering them.

We have been dating for almost four years and living together for about two and a half of those. She is three years older than I am; we were 20 and 23 when we started dating and are now 24 and 26 respectively.

This has arguably been my first "serious relationship" and for some reason at 20 I really thought that was what I wanted. Now at 24 I'm wondering why I feel so weirdly dominated by her and why I have to get approval to to take care of E36 M3 that I need to do or why I just HAVE to be there to pick out curtain rods or whatever. I'm trying to focus on getting my crap together in life and this relationship is increasingly detrimental to that.

For the first year or so things were alright, then we moved in together (mistake), I went back to school and started working full-time at the same time...that continued until October when I finally decided to give myself a break.

Since then I have noticed that I was largely suppressing my unhappiness before due to just how hectic my life was and a fear of upsetting my delicate balance of work and school. Since then I've left my employer and semester is wrapping up, I've had a little too much time to dwell on all this, and feel like I will have to make a decision sooner or later. I've basically decided I want out.

It is going to hit her hard, I mean we have fought a few times but she seems largely oblivious to my unhappiness. I feel like I'm some sort of security blanket for her most of the time, like she can't function without me and is just desperately hanging on.

Even though I am pretty unhappy and have been building resentment underneath the surface, I still do care about her as a human being and it's pretty hard to say those words that are ultimately going to change everything. Then comes the complicated stuff (lease through August, who moves out, who takes what, moving in December in Wisconsin, etc).

Tl;dr: how do you find the words to end it? Is there a "right time"?

There's never a right time. Before making a final decision, I would sit down and discuss the matter. It's entirely possible she's just as unhappy as you, and it's something you can work on. Alternatively, if you KNOW you're done, drop the hammer as soon as possible. No sense in waiting around.

Well, all I can offer is it won't get any easier. My ex-g/f and I muddled along for 11 years before finally splitting up last April. The last few years were pretty cold. We didn't live together, though... and had no financial ties, so that part was easy.

I am in the same exact boat as you Slick. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years now. She also is older than me, very demanding. We also have a child together, so breaking up for us is alittle more difficult.

Only advice I have for you is if you decide to stay together, relationships are 50/50. She has to give some and you have to give some. My girlfriend won't work, comes up with excuses for why she won't. But, in return, she cooks, cleans, takes care of our daughter while I work.

Someone told me the other day something along the lines of "The best time to break-up, split, divorce, etc. is when you're not mad anymore." Basically...get help from a therapist (not necessarily help saving the relationship...). If you can work through some issues (some issues that you both don't even know about yet) it will help clarify the situation. That may result in a split...but it might be a better situation as a result.

My ex and I are just now seeking therapy (5 or 6 years after separating) because our co-parenting relationship is such a train wreck. I wish we had done it (therapy) during the separation.

Sounds like it's going to be a hard one. Been there, done that...holler by PM if you need to just talk or whatever.

Yes. After all this time, I think you owe her a polite and civilized conversation about you being unhappy.

Either way, honesty is the best policy. If you do decide to end things, then it is better to be honest about it rather than let things drag on.

Then again, what do I know? I'm engaged to my highschool girlfriend, and we've been together for 10 years.

Neal agrees

really can't help here … every one of my relationships have been the … no co-financial stuff, no kids, no living together

ether I or she have just dropped the bomb, and walked away … if hurt(s) for a while … but eventually it becomes a distant memory that scabs over

good luck

Only on GF who's now my wife, so I can't help much.

I'll only ask: Are you sure? Like super cereal sure? It doesn't sound like you are. Relationships have give and take. It's not 50/50, it's like 90/90.

Take her here for dinner. It's subtle, but it works everything

<== Don't act like this guy.

I let myself get bitter. As a result I acted like a jerk, and treated her badly. This went both ways, but that doesn't excuse my actions.

My girl (who I intend to marry) is a bit of a loner. She's not dependent on me, but she's a bit insecure with doing grown-up stuff in her personal life. Keeping up with friends and family is not one of her strong suits. She's an excellent worker, housekeeper, and partner, but on friendships and social interaction, we are completely different.

I don't find this trait to be all that problematic, it just requires some mediation on my part. I signed her up for ceramics classes, I call our shared friends to set up get togethers, I'll call her friends for her, or remind her to call family.

One of the things that I think has kept us together is that I know if we were to split, and I were to run into her years later, that I'd still love her. That I'd still be infatuated with her. I'd still be impressed by her. If we went our separate ways, we'd probably end up in the same places. Living in similar houses, raising similar kids.

With many of my exes, I cannot say the same. Many of my exes still do the exact same things that annoyed me when I was with them.

So think of it this way: if you break up, will you search for a girl similar to her? Or someone completely different? Can you manage the things about her that annoy the crap out of you enough to continue loving her or would "dealing with it" just make it worse?

Communication is key. Most relationships I have been in lasted two weeks. Now I'm married and couldn't be happier. We don't have to talk to communicate.

I'm just guessing you guys need to talk either way. Get things ironed out before you make a move.

I may be completely wrong, but do what you think is right.

After that amount of time, I'd voice your concerns to her. Does she know you feel that she's controlling? If you've never mentioned it to her before, then it's on you to tell her how you feel. If you've mentioned it and she's not willing to change, that's another story.

You've been together 4 years. By that point, you should have a good idea of if she's someone you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. If you don't want to do that, then I'd move on sooner rather than later.

Breaking up is easy, lack of sex afterwards is hard.

Sounds almost like a typical marriage.

You didn't elaborate much on how you feel about her other than you care for her, just that you're unhappy with the arrangement/lifestyle. It sounds like she's treating it like a marriage without the paper. You're going to have to decide whether you want her in your life or not.

Also some therapy will help you figure out why you "feel so weirdly dominated by her and why I have to get approval to to take care of E36 M3 that I need to do". Once you work on that, you'll be less likely to wind up in exactly the same situation again.

bravenrace wrote: Neal agrees

i have been married for over 28 years, First Rule, she nor you will change in 30 years she will still be the same. Second Rule, if you have felt this way for more than six months, set yourself a deadline to end it, like by the end of the weekend! Sorry it is tough but it is a part of life.

one the therapy topic, it will inform you, it will not change you or her.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

The wrote: one the therapy topic, it will inform you, it will not change you or her.

Precisely.

I think that adds to or more succinctly states what both Lesley and I were getting at. Therapy will help give you the resources to deal with life.

PIITB, 7 times out of 10 that works.

More seriously, just talk it over.

The wrote: one the therapy topic, it will inform you, it will not change you or her.

On the topic of therapy for 24 year old unmarried man, no kids, not digging current situation ... WTF!? Therapy? Really?

Make up mind. Execute on plan. Be polite but firm. Don't hang around. It's unpleasant for both of you. Be gone.

The wrote: i have been married for over 28 years, First Rule, she nor you will change in 30 years she will still be the same.

My personal experience could not be farther from this.

SWMBO and I have changed so much in the last 10 years. We have grown into completely different people than we were 10 years ago, and I continue to see change almost every day.

We both continue to improve ourselves, our communication strategies, and the way we relate to each other.

Frankly, I can't stand the people we were 10 years ago, and am happy that we have bettered ourselves together.

I'm not judging, just saying a relationship is not a static thing.