Coaching youth sports

So once the season is over or I step down and I'm no longer the coach, do I tell the parents in no uncertain terms how I feel about them, or do I take the high road? The Italian side of me wants to tell them how I feel right now, but it isn't the time yet. The good news is I have a long memory and while I don't live in the same town we only live 3 miles from each other, so I'm sure I'll run into them in the future. What does the hive think?

Take the high road, and don't take yourself to their level.

After a break, months or years, you may be in a situation where you want to return to coaching.

Additionally, you don't know if the guy could be the next Thomas Junta, and you don't want to any part of that type of incident.

I had to go back to page 1 to look at the age of the kids again- 9 and 10 year olds?!?

This kid and his parents are "winning" by making it all about them. You should do what you feel is right for the team, and it sounds like you know what is right. Don't worry about the parents, the league, or anyone else. You are a volunteer, not a paid professional. Incidentally, I think doing the right thing is also best for the kid. He sounds like a talented player who will become his own worst enemy if a coach doesn't step up and teach him a hard lesson before it's too late. Coaches evaluate their players and learn their strengths and weaknesses, and work to improve their weaknesses. This kid has a glaring weakness. You won't likely change the minds of the parents, they are most of the problem. So don't waste your time trying.Don't get drawn into their problem. They aren't happy with their kids ice time, position, number on his jersey, whatever. Not your problem. Don't argue with them. I wouldn't even discuss it with them during a game or practice- that's the kids time, not theirs. All they need to hear is...

"We'll discuss this later."

"Thank you for sharing your opinion."

"I've made my decision."

Don't let one kid and his parents ruin your expirience or that of the team.

So I've decided after talking with my wife, and other coaches, that I am not stepping down. Because berkeley that guy! He doesn't get to win. I'm not wasting anymore time with his bull E36 M3.

Mazdax605 wrote: So I've decided after talking with my wife, and other coaches, that I am not stepping down. Because berkeley that guy! He doesn't get to win. I'm not wasting anymore time with his bull E36 M3.

Wooooooo!!!!!!!

That's awesome that you're sticking with it. It seems like you really enjoy coaching, and are pretty good at it.

What I see as the common denominator in stories like these is parents. Regardless of the sport, there's always at least one shiny happy person parent that ruins everything for everyone else because they know their kid is going to be the next LeBron James or Wayne Gretzki. Actually a big part of why I didn't want kids was having to deal with parents.

Maybe you and the league could set up some parental guidelines in the off-season. Like only allowed on the bleachers, or not allowed at practice or something. Or a rule/consequence thing. If they want to be involved in the game, treat them like the players. If they screw up, they go in the penalty box, if it continues, they're not allowed to watch or have to make a donation to the league like a fine or something.

Glad to see you're sticking with it though.

Is there anybody with enough spare time on the bench to actually record the ice time for all the kids? Sounds like a huge pain in the ass, but if you can toss a spreadsheet at bitchdad next time with hard numbers, it makes it harder to argue.

Maybe just have a friendly parent sit behind the bench and do it for you, so bitchdad doesn't even get to you...

In reply to Streetwiseguy:

I'm sure I can either log ice time myslef, or have a parent or my older son do it, but I don't see the point to wasting time when I know that we aren't playing favorites. Will ice time be exactly the same for every kid over a game? Probably not, but should be close. Will it be pretty even over the whole season? Almost certainly, but I wouldn't bet my life that it's exact. Probably close though. It's not the same as baseball where the kids can play each position for one inning or so. Hockey is fast, and changing the kids is tough while play is going on. We try to change on the fly, but it doesn't always happen. Especially when they don't listen like this kid.

Could be worth it to track his time on the ice alone. Just a stopwatch, anytime he is on the ice and the clock is moving counts. Show the dad that you kept track and he got MORE than his fair share of time.

But that would just piss the dad off more. Don't do it. No point.

I have never coached hockey, but I have coached soccer. Similar issue with playing time.

I'm glad you've decided to stick with it. You will be a good coach.

I disagree with you a bit about the record keeping. It's pretty important to have written documentation of just about everything, ESPECIALLY when you are dealing with a known problem parent.

It's not that hard. I assign a parent or assistant, keep a running clock, and have them note how many minutes into the game or period players enter or leave the game. The fact that you have a system of documenting will always gain the league's support- I guarantee Jerkoff Dad has no documentation.

BTW, every coach I've ever seen who started documenting time found that he wasn't quite as fair as he thought he was- it's just the way we are.

You most definitely do not need to prove kids had equal time, and it would be a mistake to try. But you do need to be able to show that every kid got the league minimum required playing time.

It also helps the kids. When you can pull out your record book and say, "Johnny had 6 minutes less ice time then the rest of you in the last game, so I am starting him today at center", they stop arguing with you (and they can't ever cry "Not Fair!" any more, because they all KNOW it's fair.

BTW, there is always a Mom whose good with numbers and is just legalistic enough to care about this E36 M3.

Recruit her. She'll be your greatest asset and staunchest defender. Her book will be important to her, and it will always be right. No one would dream of arguing with her.

She'll also be very good at organizing snacks.

Hello boys and girls,

A little update from the weekend. We spent the past weekend (Fri-Sun) in central Maine for a tournament. It was a ton of fun, and we were in every game. We won the first two games, and were gunning for the top spot on Saturday, but I think the kids playing in the hotel pool between our early game (noon) on Saturday, and our late game (moved from 5:20 to 6:20) did us in. We had lost the early game, but just barely. Came out in the second game very slowly, and were down by 3 entering the third. We made a valiant comeback to tie it up, but then let up a goal with around 2 minutes left. Then we let up another with 30 seconds or so left when we pulled the goalie.

Our fist game was so strange in that we took 9 penalties, and an ejection(my kid). I don't think we've had 9 penalties as a team to this point. We still won that game somehow. My son got the ejection late in the game for a slash to the other teams head out of frustration that he had been cross checked down, and the other player laid on top of him, and wouldn't let him up. His ejection also triggered a suspension for the next game. I wasn't happy with his actions, and I think it taught him a valuable lesson.

The second game also had some chippy play as two kids got in a bit of a skirmish that probably should have resulted in us getting the majority of the penalty, but didn't. I told the kids that I was disappointed in the goonery going on, and that it was embarrassing. I don't mind a tripping penalty or two as a result of regular game play, but the over the top stuff has to stop. Message received as we were clean the rest of the tournament even when the other teams were gooning it up at times.

We changed the kids around a lot from game to game to try to even up ice time as one kid from the team didn't attend the tournament, and the suspension also changed the numbers up a bit. We had to run 2 centres and three wing pairs pretty much all tournament as we had 12 skaters. But with my son missing a game, and another kid not playing our last game yesterday as his family had to leave early at times we ran 3 centres, and 2 wing pairs. Simple stuff that the kids understand, and we move this around from game to game to try to even out ice time as best we can.

Well wouldn't you know the father that I have had issues with all season was bitching that his kid was being treated as a yo-yo, and not put in a position to succeed. Apparently now he was getting too much ice time, and was tired because he had to carry the team. At one point I heard from a coach of another program that is a few towns away from us whom was staying in the same hotel as us that he was accosted by angry dad in the lobby. He went on and on about how his kid was on the 3rd line, but is the best player on the team, and in the tournament, and that he was frustrated by this fact. Also angry dad was bitching about it in the stands at one point when one of the mothers turned to him ,and said "are you ever happy?"

At one point in the hotel he pulled me aside at the pool, and was asking me why the refs missed so many off sides calls in the games that day. I had to explain to this genius the we were playing with touch up off sides rules in place. He didn't understand, but somehow I'm a bad coach, and don't know what I'm doing.

Angry mom and dad were drunk as skunks all weekend, and were driving the kid back and forth to the rink. Granted it was maybe a half mile away, but still. After one of our loses on Saturday I heard the kid of angry dad spouting off in the locker room that we lost because of one particular player. I went right over, and pretty angrily told him how I felt about his words, and attitude. This was right in front of all the kids, but not the parents yet. The whole room went silent as I was raising my voice, and I think both the kid, and his teammates got the message, but who knows.

Yesterday morning just before we went on the ice for our last game, the coach that had been accosted in the lobby of the hotel joked with me on the way to the ice that I better make sure I get the right kids on the ice today. Angry dad was within earshot, but I'm not sure it registered.

Why do some people make what was a great weekend of bonding with our kids, and turn it into a bitch fest?

Intentional slashes to the head will always end up with a game misconduct. If it was intentional (and it seems like there was no way it wasn't), the refs really don't have much leeway on that call. I might have thrown him a Head Contact, which would have a 2+10, but only if I knew you (the coach) would bench him the rest of the game. And I don't know that, especially at an out of state tournament.

So the parents were drunk as skunks, around other kids? I think we may have found the issue. Or another symptom of the issue that makes every other symptom worse. Yay.

I just reffed the AAA Squirt State Championship here. Blowout, chippy game. We could have called a lot more penalties than we did; if it was a close game we probably would have.

FTR, I totally agreed with the call on my son, and he deserved the suspension. The ref knew he was my kid, and said he could have given him a head contact call, but the slash was pretty bad so he gave him the gate. I agreed, and wasn't happy with my kids conduct. He's not that sort of player though, so I didn't beat him up too bad as I know he was just frustrated. Doesn't make it right, or even close to being okay, but I understood. Thankfully nobody was hurt. Sitting in the stands made my son realize how much he screwed up. Lesson learned.

So a little update to the goings on. We had two games last weekend. We lost the game on Saturday to a really bad team that just outworked us. The kid of the family that I have had troubles with all season was not trying at all on the ice, and seemed disinterested in being there. That afternoon I sent a response to the parents email regarding the latest issue at the tournament. I worded it nicely, but laid it all out there that no matter what I/we do this season they are never happy. I suggested that maybe in the future one of the parents should volunteer their time to be a coach as it is the only way they would be happy in my opinion. Shortly after sending out the email I got a text from the father asking to talk. I didn't respond as I was told by the youth hockey board not to engage with the parents.

They responded with an email a little while later, and basically said they wouldn't be returning to the program next season. They denied the father ever grabbed my shoulder on the bench a month or so back, and a bunch of other alternative facts. The family never showed up for our game on Sunday, or practice on Monday. We won 4-0 without the kid on Sunday. One of my friends on the board told me that the kid told his son at school on Monday that he quit the team.

Not the outcome I was looking for. I just wanted the parents to take a chill pill. Instead they pull him from the team. Now we are down a player(top goal scorer), and two other kids will be missing for the first one or two rounds of the playoffs if we make it that far. They will for sure be out for the first round. Unfortunately with our lose on Saturday it moved us to the #2 seed which means we don't get a bye for the first round. These kids being missing/quit will most likely mean we are in trouble as they are 3 of the best players on the team. Poorly timed vacations for two of them. Pretty disappointing as we have been such a good team all season with only 2 losses in our division, and 3 total on the season. I don't know that it will cause us to lose in the playoffs, but I don't see how it helps to lose 3 of our best players. We'll see in a couple of weeks I guess.

So we finished the regular season in first place!! We had the same record as another team but won the 3rd tie breaker with less goals against on the season. Playoffs start this weekend, but we earned a bye with the first place finish. Of course we will be missing two of our best players for the playoffs as they will be away on vacation. Poor timing, but I still have faith. We win on April 1st and we're in the championship game.

Chris

Update time:

We had a bye for the first round of the playoffs due to finishing in a first place tie with anotehr team. We won the tiebreaker on fewer goals allowed on the season(the first two tiebreakers were even). Well We ended up playing the 5th(of 7) seed on Saturday afternoon. This is a team we beat all three times we playe dthem this season. Outscoring them 13-3. Well wouldn't you know we lost in the 4th overtime in the playoff game! Of course there was a kid on th eother team whom we had never seen before, and he had 4 of the 5 goals they scored. I'm pretty ticked that the seemed to be using an illegal player as they never had anyone who played like this kid all season.

Regardless, I was very proud of how we played this season. I'm going to miss the kids, and being at the rink all the time. Of course a month or so ago I was ready for the season to be over as it seemed we had been at the rink all winter. Actually we had.

Mazdax605 wrote: Update time: We had a bye for the first round of the playoffs due to finishing in a first place tie with anotehr team. We won the tiebreaker on fewer goals allowed on the season(the first two tiebreakers were even). Well We ended up playing the 5th(of 7) seed on Saturday afternoon. This is a team we beat all three times we playe dthem this season. Outscoring them 13-3. Well wouldn't you know we lost in the 4th overtime in the playoff game! Of course there was a kid on th eother team whom we had never seen before, and he had 4 of the 5 goals they scored. I'm pretty ticked that the seemed to be using an illegal player as they never had anyone who played like this kid all season. Regardless, I was very proud of how we played this season. I'm going to miss the kids, and being at the rink all the time. Of course a month or so ago I was ready for the season to be over as it seemed we had been at the rink all winter. Actually we had.

It will feel good for about 1.5 months to be away. Then you'll start itching for it.

Good for you, and the kids. And Thank You.