Add me to the chorus. She's already made her decision. Everything since is just some misguided idea of "not hurting you" or "letting you down gently". Screw that.
She made her choice, there's nothing else to discuss. Any attempt to do so is just more pain--for both sides.
Mental smokey burnout in her metephorical driveway...
My advice- I'm not a pro, but have BEEN THERE.
Talk to somebody. Just plain old talk therapy helps. It's hard to understand, but having somebody there whose JOB it is to listen without judgment really helps. I did this (over much personal protestation that I "didn't need no stinkin' shrink to help me sort things out") my junior year of college to try to get my head screwed on right during a particularly dark period. It helps- furthermore, nobody has to know but you. Ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist and GO for a few weeks. That person will be also better able to recommend whether you need any kind of chemical intervention- I would tend to say "no" to drugs, as I've seen way more people get messed up further by them than helped. Just read another post of yours. If you have any kind of decent insurance, a mental health professional you see after referral by your primary care doc is just another copay. In the case of me and my wife, specialist copays are $40 instead of $25, but that's worth it if you need it.
Exercise. Get up and go lift weights for a few minutes or go for a run or whatever. Do this every day, plan on about an hour. Sounds like a lot, but the time goes by fast, and the benefits to your mental state are real. Your physical body's well being is reflected in your mental health, and as mentioned by others, the increased possibility of attention from the ladies and/or improved physical appearance will help. This is my ongoing plan for mental health. When I get to feeling really bad (my wife helps me notice, usually before I do), I ramp up the intensity/frequency of exercise for a little while and it usually helps keep me on an even keel. I come from a long and documented background of depression (both sides of the fam), so I just take it as part of being me, and something I have to deal with. I usually manage to stay pretty happy in spite of that, for whatever that's worth.
Being sad is part of being human, and when a relationship fails, it's natural to have some time where you examine what went wrong, mourn the loss, etc., but let me say this. I don't know you from Adam, but sounds like you're A) young, B) educated, and C) free to do whatever the heck you want to do. Take advantage of that in whatever you see fit to do. Another addition (I have been typing this as I read the thread)- this girl is 20. She's got some growing up to do- not a slam on her or you, it's just fact. Maybe I'm wrong, and she's incredibly mature and knows what she wants out of life, etc., but most 20 year olds I have met aren't ready for huge life-altering commitment. College/ Military service is great for letting people grow up in a relatively controlled environment where they can't screw anything up too bad. Let her do it, you don't need to stick around for that. If you need closure, fine, some people do. But if you take this girl back, you're only prolonging your own misery in the long run for some short term comfort.
And although I have rambled enough, here's my personal philosophy. Somebody smarter than me probably said it first, but here goes anyway. Choose happiness. It's a decision, make it. :)
Jake wrote: Somebody smarter than me probably said it first, but here goes anyway. Choose happiness. It's a decision, make it. :)
I heard it somewhat differently: 'People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.' Either way, truer words have never been spoken.
well I'm nixing the plans to stop by cumberland. I'm leaving tonight, staying with my brother, meeting her tomorrow, we are exhanging our last possessions that we both have, and I'm sure I'll feel like crap. my brother and I are going fishing, and I'm spending the rest of the weekend around my family. The idea is that I'll see her and she can tell me to my face, and I'll accept it and move on.
Is it torturing me? maybe. maybe I hope it tortures her too. I hate these antidepressants. I'm starting to feel like they just keep me from feeling. My heart still twists in my chest and my stomach churns and I feel a sense of emptiness and loss, but I can't cry...
Alright dude, couple of problems here;
andrave wrote: ... The idea is that I'll see her and she can tell me to my face, and I'll accept it and move on....
You're assuming she will. You have built this into a series of events, and the expectation that she will perform accordingly. She's not evil, but apparently cannot make up her mind. I would expect more of this. "Well I dunno...maybe...we could still be friends..."
No no no no no no no.
Place no obligation on her. YOU end this. She cannot make a decision, that is established. Expect her to be indecisive, YOU must be.
andrave wrote: ...Is it torturing me? maybe....
Not maybe. YES yes it is, and you are allowing it to by constant exposure. Accept that this hurts, and when you acknowledge it, you can take steps to correct such.
andrave wrote: ...maybe I hope it tortures her too...
Stop being concerned with how she feels. You have a serious issue you are dealing with and cannot spare the extra emotion right now. I assure you, she will be fine.
andrave wrote: I hate these antidepressants. I'm starting to feel like they just keep me from feeling. My heart still twists in my chest and my stomach churns and I feel a sense of emptiness and loss, but I can't cry...
This is a valid concern, but give your body and mind a chance to adjust.
Fishing is a great plan, but you still need to talk to somone. Your brother is probably an excellent start, but you need to seek a professional still.
Bottom line, get your stuff, and no matter what she says doesn, doesn't do, doesn't say, be done with this.
andrave wrote: Is it torturing me? maybe. maybe I hope it tortures her too.
If might not torture her. She's young and probably very fickle.
Time is the only thing that will fix that for you. Eventually it just stops driving you nuts.
Everything in you says "I want to see her" but seeing her is the absolute worst thing you can do--I promise you this.
Get your stuff. Don't linger. I can tell you from personal experience that doing so is a bad idea.
Also, see a professional. You need someone objective to talk with who can challenge you. Not to knock your brother, your friends, etc. but they're not neutral. They're on your team, and that's good. However, they are going to tell you what they think you want to hear. That's not so helpful.
Just a thought, but leave her E36 M3 in a plastic bag on the curb and let her come get it. Let her keep your stuff unless it has a real, sentimental value that isn't attached to her. And still go fishing with your brother.
Okay. So, you let her know how much you this was affecting you, and her responses were "um, dunno, maybe"... and then a couple of days later she unloads and whines all over you? That's just selfish. It's made no impact on her how you're feeling. Real relationships involve give and take. It takes about four weeks for meds to kick in, give them a chance... especially since it sounds like in your case, it's situational. Go to that autocross, go fishing. Don't wallow back into the mess. Listen to all these people who've been there, done that (me too) and take advantage of that experience.
Four pages of this dribble? No body can be that whiney, this is probably some punks' twisted idea of fun. And ,just in case it's real, grow a set and man up. So some dame dumped you.... boo hoo, poor me. So what? You think that's this is the only time in history this has happened?
BAM F said '', see a professional'' yes a good hooker
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