Getting Mom up to speed after Dad passes away.

I'm looking for advice on getting my Mom headed in the right direction. My Dad passed away last week. He did almost everything at home and took care of my Mom. Luckily my Mom is in great health (apart from smoking). But Dad paid all the bills, gassed up the cars, and took care of the retirement accounts. Luckily Dad was savvy and Mom is financially sound, so no worries there. Right now I'm trying to get her on her feet and empowered.

First things I did was show Mom how to log into the bank accounts and show her their savings, and that she was co-owner of most things. The cars are in Dad's name, as are some stocks and bank accounts. I already froze both their credit (free for those over 65) and the funeral home is getting us a dozen copies of the death certificate.

Any advice? My brother and I are trying to get Mom to re-arrange the house a bit. She wants to stay at the house, but we want to swap things around (especially since Dad died on the couch in the den). I already cleared out all Dad's medicine, but no idea where to take it (some of the stuff was never used). I'm also trying to convince Mom to get a cute-ute that she can see out of instead of her beloved '95 SC1 (yeah, a Saturn. She loves it). She keeps going on about the mpg of the Saturn, but frankly even if she bought a Hummer she'd only go through one tank of gas every two months with how little she drives.

Sorry for your loss.

My advice would be to slow down - give it a little time. It took my dad's wife almost a year before she could bear to take his clothes out of the closet.

Do what has to be done from a legal standpoint, but don't rush your mom to change too much at once.

Good luck.

My condolences on the passing of your dad. It sounds like you have it under control at this time. For goodness sakes, make sure she gets out of the house some. Join the Y and stay active. If she is involved with a church, that is a good source of support and activities. You need to make here wary of financial predators.

My mother just wasted away after my father died (at 46). She too smoked and it caught up with her along with extremely high cholesterol levels.

First, my condolences. Losing a parent isn't a whole lot of fun.

Second, don't rush anything. She has a whole lot on her plate. My wife and I have been dealing with similar after the death of her grandfather. Her grandmother hadn't been independent in 50 something years, and he went very suddenly. Honestly, if she wants to keep the Saturn, let her keep it. Forcing her into am entirely new life at this stage is hard enough, no need to add stress where it can be avoided. In the case of both my grandmother and my wife's, they both ended up with new cars, but that was their own choice. Beyond that, let her do her own thing. Make sure that the major stuff is taken care of, but let her do it herself. She's obviously made it this far in life, she can handle.it.

Timely. My Dad passed away last week as well, and I have a lot of the same questions. Needless to say, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I agree completely with all of the advice above…address the time critical stuff like making sure nobody rips her off and she’s safe but leave everything else alone. Just roll with it…it may be six months, a year, never, before she wants to start making changes. Remember the old “my shop, my time, my way”…replace “my” with “mom’s” and you’ll do the right thing.

my POP sounds just like yours, we did not have any luck getting mom on the right track, he died 12.04 and she does not remember anything that's happened since that day....that set off her Alzheimer's, good luck, sorry to hear about your dad.

I can only offer condolences opposed to advise, I'll be in a similar situation in the near future and am dreading it. This thread has really rocked my reality for the day

I am sorry for your loss.

I lost my stepmom a month ago, and am helping my Dad with similar things.

Please take the above advice and slow down.

Your personality sounds a little like mine... My method of coping with grief (in part) is to try to fix the things I can (in an effort to make the rest more tolerable).

Problem is, most people don't handle grief that way.

Most people need time. Not change.

That means no major changes- no new car, no moving the furniture, no relocation, etc. From what I am reading and hearing from counselors very familiar with this, It averages about a year for most people.

That is an interminable length if time in my mind. It's driving me crazy.

But, it really is the best thing.

So, I've dialed it down. I am being patient. I will not suggest any big changes for a year.

And he is healing. He has actually been able to make some of the changes I would have made, without me telling him to do it.

So, take it easy. Be patient. She'll be OK.

good advice .. all the above

the one thing not addressed, take his unused meds to his (any) pharmacy … they can dispose of them

and as everyone has said … sorry for your loss

my Dad died 6 yrs ago … Mom turns 90 next week … doesn't have Alzheimer's, but does have pretty severe dementia …

but she lives with me and I've ended up taking over all those things you're being faced with … good luck, your Mom's going to need your shoulder to lean on

Sorry for your loss (both of you guys). I've been through this a couple of times now, with first my parents and now Tim's, and I will happily echo the posters who said, "Give it time." I pushed my Dad probably too much after my Mom passed, and I regret it now because he never had the time before his own passing to master any coping skills--so what was the point? Healing is job one, and that does take time.

Tim's mom is really a self-motivated lady, and although she went from being very much like your mom (didn't even know how to pump gas) when his dad first went into a facility, she's very capable now and has built a full life for herself after his passing--but it didn't come all at once.

We helped her a lot in the beginning, and didn't push because, really, these ladies know they lack essential skills and are already scared and overwhelmed, not to mention grieving, so you're just adding to the shouting going on in their own heads. Help her when she asks, but also show her what you're doing. Support, support, support. You'd be surprised how much of a mystery some things we take for granted as part of daily life can be for someone of the older generation who's always been cared for. Don't treat her like a child, or she'll be like one. The current neediness and inactivity may be something that you need to address later, but it's typical and should pass with time. Right now, neither of you are the people you usually are, or anything close to your best selves.

Remember there are lots of people here you can vent to when it's driving you nuts.

Good luck.

Margie

BTW, my Dad is 90.

Forgot to mention, he was instructed by the doctors to flush her medications, and to pour the liquid ones into coffee grounds then trash them.

Unused/expired medications can be returned to any good pharmacy, at least up here in Ontario. If they all (or mostly) came from one place, that's the easiest place to take them back. The pharmacies have an established protocol for dealing with this stuff. You want to get old meds out of the house pronto, particularly if they include anything some moron kid might think will get him high or something your Mom might take by accident.

As for the other stuff, I agree with the others: if it doesn't affect her safety, let your Mom decide what changes she wants to make and when she wants to make them. Everybody's different.

Done similar with my mother, twice.

First off, make major decisions HER decision. Empower her to take charge of her life. Do not rush her into a decision unless absolutely necessary.

Sit down and have a serious lesson on avoiding scammers and on keeping her accounts in order. Watch her shopping habits for trouble signs (buying a bunch of junk she doesnt need, my mom used it as some kind of coping mechanism and got into a LOT of trouble with it.) Work with her to maintain lists and logs of some different things. (Bills, household maintenance, expenses, etc..)

It is easy to fall into wanting to change everything so you dont have to face her mourning. Trust me, been there. You need to take a slow gradual process to empower and teach her to step up to shouldering the burdens that her husband used to.

With my mom, there were a few critical things. I had to encourage her to reach a decision to give up the bloodhound puppy she and her boyfriend had just gotten months before he passed. The dog (hyperactive puppy) almost outmassed her, wasnt fair to the dog (had to almost live in a crate), mom ended up with a black eye and a broken hand before she reached the decision for herself. More recently, that she cannot keep up with the maintenance of the house her father built (she has 2 houses). HUGE house, well water, all of it. I live 3 hours away and had to point out that I could not do it for her. Currently in process of cleaning out the smaller house and getting it ready to sell. Then (by her decision) she is going to sell the larger house and move to a city where she has family/friends and just get a condo in order to simplify her life.

You have my upmost condolences, I have been there. Hopefully my story helps you figure some things out.

Medications

http://www.fda.gov/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/ucm101653.htm

Very sorry to hear of your loss.

For the car bit, nothing has changed, so don't even address that.

On the credit front, good move freezing it. Are there any balances on the cards? Pay them off now assuming they are low, it will be easier the sooner that it is done. Ask for any and all late fees removed, most banks will comply with that if it is a deceased account.

For medication, toilet is a good bet.

The few pharmacies I checked with would not take old meds. They told me to take them to the sheriff's dept. Some were pain killer's some not.

Personally I would not flush them. The stuff is going through the WWTP and ending up in our rivers.

Meds can go to the Sheriffs department. Not the toilet.

Sorry for your loss, my father passed very unexpectedly 18 months ago. Literally, a month before he died I saw him bound up stairs two at a time.

Everyone here is correct. 6-12 months after a serious loss before making any big life changes is a good guideline. Death or divorce, loss hurts and takes time to get through.

Sorry to both of you. My died 20 years ago when I was 27.

As other's have said, don't rush your mom. Let her keep her car and the house for a while. She will eventually realize herself that it is time to move on. if you force her, then it may result in animosity towards you. Give her some time.

Make sure you discuss financial stuff with her, so some bloodsucker doesn't get into her wallet.

Leave the phone in dad's name for a while (if that is the name that it is in). Bills too if you can. Don't let her take advice over the phone. My mom gets all sorts of calls telling her to delete files off her computer, etc. She simply tells them, "My son will look into that for me."

It took my mom a long time to move on.

All I have to add is condolences to both of you. I lost my Mon 10 years ago and it still sucks.

Like I said, my dad died at the age of 46, 32 years ago. I miss him more today than ever. You never get over it, you just get along.

Do keep an eye on how she handles the money. She could be vulnerable to bad advice.

Sorry for your loss. I am not looking forward to the task that you are now facing.

SVreX wrote: Forgot to mention, he was instructed by the doctors to flush her medications, and to pour the liquid ones into coffee grounds then trash them.

Wow. Our city specifically asks you NOT to flush unused medications. They're having trouble keeping them out of the water system.

But that's irrelevant.

What is relevant is my sincere condolences to both of you in the thread who have lost parents. It stinks, and it's hard to find the right balance with the surviving parent. You've gotten excellent advice above; all I can add is to listen to what she doesn't say as much as what she says.

Help her through any insurance/billing/financial matters first, worry about making big changes later.

I'm sorry for your loss. The advice offered here is as good as you will ever need, there's nothing for me to add.

I will echo one thing: help keep an eye on her finances. This is a time when unscrupulous types will try to get a toehold in her money.