Habits/Routine to battle Depression?

Evidently a big change can help too.

I moved two provinces over and reset my life. 

Wife says I'm smiling a lot more now.

Since my initial reply in December 2020 I have added more stuff to the list for myself, and now that I'm a certified life coach I share some of these with clients. Number 4 really resonates with them. I do not recommend drugs to my clients, that's not my place. Any reference to drug use is in my personal routine of keeping the depression at bay. 

1: meditation. Real actual meditation not just a couple deep breaths. When I feel myself slipping towards the dark again I know I am not meditating enough. 
 

2: more marijuana than just microdosing. Enough to get me high here and there keeps the demons away for a while and really has cut a couple dark spirals short in the last month. It's not the drug use that helps, it's that it helps calm the thoughts and allows me to be able to calmly communicate how I feel instead of retreating into my hole.
 

3: connect with people. Your people, new people, long lost people, randos online who share something with you. Talking to someone about what I feel makes me abnormal and knowing I'm not the only one is helpful. I'm still processing stuff about me that's hard to work with at times and causes some of my darkest times. There are past traumas that still surface sometimes, and being able to talk about them even with one trusted friend is helpful.

4: be vulnerable. In those conversations let someone in. Talk about your feelings. Talking about your feelings when stuff is good helps ease the pain of communicating them when it's dark. Be brutally honest when someone asks how you are doing. 
 

5: sexual release still holds true, oxytocin is a real thing and that hit of happy chemicals from the brain is an upper from within. Don't just toss on a video and crank one out in a minute. Make love to yourself, take some time to feel and use all your senses. Practice being kind to yourself and knowing you deserve love and kindness from everyone, especially yourself. 
 

6: find help. It's hard to go through things alone and there are many different types of professionals that can help you either process the past pain, medicate if necessary, and move forward to the future. 

Depression is largely unrequited rage.   

Forgive everyone.  Forgive yourself.   If you are religious try the Our Father.  ("forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" -- powerful words)

Accept that you cannot control what is going on around you, only how you react to it.    Try Stoicism.   Read Marcus Aurelius' Meditations.

Lastly get regular aerobic exercise.   It does wonders for dissipating the cortisol build up that stress creates.

Around the end of '20/beginning of '21, I slipped into depression pretty hard. The details aren't super relevant, but my professional and romantic/family life fell apart at about the same time. I blamed myself for both, but decided I wouldn't let it end my life literally or otherwise.

'22 is coming to an end and I've still got some big questions about how to manage everything, but I'm not depressed. The path out, similar to the path in, was kind of nebulous and definitely non-linear. I don't know how I did it, much less how anyone else could or should do it. But maybe my story is useful to someone.

For better or worse, it didn't seem to me like my problem was chemical, so I chose not to explore chemical solutions. I did choose to get help. I found a therapist who has turned out to be a major asset in my life and was money well spent even when I was unemployed. 

One of my first doses of perspective from therapy was that losing my job wasn't my fault. We all make choices based on limited information and sometimes they don't work out. A choice that doesn't work out, even several choices in a row that don't work out, doesn't devalue you. This goes for relationships as well. I ended up finding out that my partner breaking up with me had much more to do with stuff going on in her own head than anything about me (well, that's what she said after her own trips to a therapist). This despite the fact that I was assigned total responsibility. A thing that I've learned more recently is that I was never taught how to process feelings in a healthy way. I'm working on feeling the feelings, then thinking about them from a more intellectual place, then letting them go. It's hard, but life seems intent on giving me good opportunities to practice *big eyeroll*

I also told basically everyone that cared about me what was going on. Help came in many ways. My brother loaned me some money and did what he could to get me out of the house. My sister surprised me by cleaning up my place while I was out of town. I can't overstate how much I needed those things and how much they meant to me. Help, well, it helps. I obviously can't prescribe friends to anyone else, but I can prescribe being honest and brave enough to express yourself.

Now that I have some more hindsight, I was mismanaging a BUNCH of things in my life while I was depressed. It's hard to make good decisions from a panicked or desperate place. I got fixated on things that turned out to not be great ideas and then I lacked the energy and resources to even follow them through to completion. I had much more success picking something productive to do and following through with it, than in trying to figure out trying I needed to do and doing the best or most important thing. Easy wins feel great, even when you know it's a softball.

I don't know that I could've applied this advice, even if I was given it, but I wish I had been more open to more job opportunities. Moving into a new field on the merits of transferable skills takes some confidence, which I was really lacking. But even after getting back into a good job in my field, I'm looking for a way out. 

A piece of advice I could've and should've applied is to let stalled projects go. Even if I had given them away, it would've been one less box on the overwhelming checklist. You're not doing any favors to any car that just sits. So I paid lots of money to insure some of my biggest sources of pressure and the demotivation that came with them, while the objects themselves rotted.

The moral of the whole story? Probably that absurdism is a pretty valid philosophy. If you have a friend that is down, random acts of kindness can change their life IF you're doing them to be kind and not to teach them anything. Otherwise, hang in there. Be as honest with yourself as you can. Don't be afraid of making big changes if that's what life calls for. 

jharry3 said:

Depression is sometimes related to or exaggerated by unrequited rage. 

Fixed that for you.

Also, I understand that stoicism is a useful philosophy for many people, but it always seemed to me like a way to tell people "just don't be so sad" with more words.

white_fly said:

jharry3 said:

Depression is sometimes related to or exaggerated by unrequited rage. 

Fixed that for you.

As with all generalizations (see what I did there ), y'all are both sorta right, but mostly wrong. 
There is definitely a component of that in mine, and maybe even a lot of folks. 
But I've noticed that very few are realizing the difference in situational depression, and DEPRESSION. 
Even a lot of folks that know there is a difference, don't really get the vast depth of the difference. 
A lot of the surface advice is VERY helpful to folks with some situational depression. 
For the folks that suffer from debilitating DEPRESSION, it can kinda sound the same as " just stop being depressed, and you'll be fine "

Not trying to be as negative as that may sound. Don't know a solution, myself. 
 

In reply to 03Panther :

Hopefully nothing I said sounded too much like "just stop being depressed." I definitely recognize that my depression, while real and temporarily debilitating, was not major depressive disorder or any number of other serious issues that are even harder to deal with. I also know that my situation doesn't qualify me to comment authoritatively on anybody else's struggles. It was mostly some catharsis in a context where someone else might be interested in reading it.

In reply to white_fly :

All good, neighbor! Just thinking out loud. That's why I put disclaimer on end!!!

As Red Green says "we're all in this together" 

In reply to 03Panther :

I legitimately almost quoted that show in my post earlier. Keep your stick on the ice.

Can't be depressed, quoting Red Green!!!

Saw the actor on an interview. Cool guy, his self, too

Going through a crap patch the last few weeks. I put in my 2 weeks today for a new opportunity and man I feel crappy. Anyone dealt with the 2-weeks notice guilt? This is not a good feeling. 

Scotty Con Queso said:

Going through a crap patch the last few weeks. I put in my 2 weeks today for a new opportunity and man I feel crappy. Anyone dealt with the 2-weeks notice guilt? This is not a good feeling. 

I sort of felt it with my 2nd job out of college. I really liked my team. I gave 3 weeks notice. I should have given 2. I gave another job only 1.5 weeks notice. 

I've since learned that I should feel no guilt because I'm cutting and running on a company. They'd cut me with no warning. There is an old adage that employees don't leave companies, they leave managers. There is definitely a lot of truth to that, but that is the catalyst for leaving the company. You're still leaving the company. And guess what? Despite what the Supreme Court has decided, a company is not a person. It is a legal entity without feelings. It doesn't care if you're leaving or not. 

Your colleagues will care - but they're not the company. And guess what? They'll survive without you.

In reply to Scotty Con Queso :

The downside to "Employment At Will" is that employers can fire you at any time for any reason.

The upside, though, is that you can fire them at any time and for any reason.  No need to feel any guilt or shame.  You're exercising your half of the agreement.

Best of luck to you at the new opportunity - I hope it is what you want it to be!

In reply to mtn :

Definitely a lot of truth in that. One reason I've stuck with my current company for 22 years is I've always had a decent relationship with my direct managers and the managers above them (up to the CEO of the company).  Most of my fellow workers will rarely talk to our CEO but I've known him for so long (since he was just one of our PMs) that I don't think about it.  

In reply to Scotty Con Queso :

Yep. The two I felt guilty with I gave 3 weeks notice. 

Most of the jobs I've had I were with good people and I gave as much notice as possible.  This one I'd walk away and mail them my badge if a decent offer came along.  I was starting to get things sorted out and a handle on my issues then things went to E36 M3 here.  I'm trying to hang on until I can at least freeze my pension before I walk away as it seems dumb to throw away 22 years but it's definitely taking a toll.  

I've given a week's notice at a job. It turned out my boss was out of town the day I turned in my notice. I called my HR rep and asked her what to do. I also told the HR rep that I was going to work for a competitor if that made any difference. She said "don't tell me you're going to work for company X because I'd have to walk you out the door right away and we'd have to pay you for your entire notice."  ;^)  Then I replied that I'd like to give two weeks notice and that I'd let her know where I was going first thing Friday morning.   ;^)

I got a new job and I gave 2-1/2 weeks notice at my butt job because my inside sales guy gave notice a week prior then ghosted the company and never showed up. 

For 2-1/2 weeks I had every manager up to the CEO call me and try to get me to stay.  I acted all buttery and said no I'm not leaving for anything negative - there's nothing you can fix.  

Truth is I went to a supplier and currently they are my third largest customer but personally I wanted to pour gasoline on that bridge.  

Last 3 jobs I've been hired for I told them in the interview I'd like to give my current employer 2 weeks' notice, but they all asked me to start the next week. Not my fault.

Get back among people. That was the key for me when I fell down a hole. That and letting go of things you cannot control.

I love the idea of kindness because you actually care, too. 

I had a job that I did not like how I left because the company I was going to put the screws to me on how soon I was supposed to start and I did not want to risk losing that next job.  I really hated that, giving less than a week's notice, and if I hadn't been moving back for personal reasons I would have told new job to screw off.  I felt pushed into being unprofessional and taken advantage of. 

When I left the job in Baltimore I felt guilty about leaving the coworker that I was assigned to assist as we were a team working on a shared plane, or at least that was the idea, but she was extremely cool about it and very "you gotta go, you gotta go, do not feel bad about it.  If we can't survive you leaving we have bigger problems than you could ever fix".  I really did not like that job and never felt bad about leaving otherwise.

Try to treat them fairly, do what you can to make you moving on as smooth as you can be, but life is constant change and the company will almost never do as much for you if they're in a position where they think you need to go.

In reply to Scotty Con Queso :

Change is good and two weeks notice is standard / nothing to be ashamed of.   I've changed jobs a few times and always gave 2 weeks.  Except the last time (which was over 19 years ago now).  I flat quit on the first working day of the year after putting up with the owner's stunts for close to 10 years.  Best decision I ever made (short of marrying my wife) and I don't regret it one bit. 

I have always given proper notice but from the time the decision is made until you leave it sucks. My last job change was an intercompany transfer and from the time it was announced I was just told to sit at my desk and do trainings. It sucked. The job before that I was required to give a month by the employment contract. They promptly walked me out the door and I had a months pay, that was nice. I have taken the path that once one of my people quit they are basically done. As soon as they put their work in order to hand off to others and have some sort of transition meetings it's over. If they are on good terms I tell them they are free to go, not thrown out but they will get their pay and they can go. If it is not on good terms you are done asap. 

This year is kinda shot. All the things I enjoy doing and am able to spend time looking forward to/preparing for are now no longer an option for the next 6-8 weeks, which is when 90% of it is going on. The feeling is almost overwhelming right now with the anxiety of 2 surgeries and the recovery afterwards plus that I'm missing out on the fun with all my friends. Add in I finally got the car I have been trying to build for the last decade + and I can't drive it. 

*sigh* lets hope the meds work for now

A week off work doing fun stuff was a blast. Tomorrow is my 1st day back to work, there may be tears...