Heavy news; seeking wise advice

My 16 year-old son told some friends pretty overt suicidal intentions if things "got hard" or if he got in trouble at home.  Kids say things and teens say wilder things but this seems out of character for him.  He is pretty listless and hard to wake up most days but has never shown any tendency to harm himself.  We're not the closest duo but hearing this from a reliable source really tore me up.

What have you done in cases where friends or family have said depressive or suicidal things?  How can I maybe ease him out of this season of depression without it seeming like I'm reading from a self-help script?  Of course I'm willing to do anything and change anything, but looking back, what worked for you in your situation?

Sorry for the bleak topic but this group seems more willing than most to offer good, concrete advice.  Thank you.

Take him to the ER or call his pediatrician.

mtn said:

Take him to the ER or call his pediatrician.

This. 

If you have a children's hospital, go to their ED. Without delay.

My boss's 17 y/o went thru this last year, he took him straight to the pediatric ED. He was admitted for a couple days, got meds and tied in to outpatient support.

A year later, he's about to go off to college and doing much better.

mtn said:

Take him to the ER or call his pediatrician.

ASAP!

Wow, I'm sorry to hear this.  My thoughts are with you and I hope for the best.

In addition to mtn's suggestions above, maybe call a suicide hotline yourself?  Tell them you are not in crisis but that your son is.  I'm sure they can point you toward a lot of resources.

It seems like he's depressed and so a trip to his doctor is in order, or the ER as suggested if he seems really off his norm.

It is a tough situation because you want him to talk to people and open up, so you don't want to make him feel betrayed for having done so.

I'm sure your every parental nerve is screaming for you to do something, anything, immediate.  Mine would be.

Maybe open a conversation talking about how unhappy (? or other word) he seems and tell him you'd like to give him a chance to talk to his doctor (or some other professional who could help) about it.

Best of luck to you both.

A good pediatric counselor should be on the list. Counseling and/or meds can help. 

He needs to know that you care. Do something with him that he likes to do.

Just love him.

Clearly, something has happened to shut off communication between yall. Definitely a major depressive episode but at the same time, what caused it? Family? Friends? Events? Physical location? Of course this is just my opinion.

There is always a plan, intent, and lethality with all SI/HI. I'm not saying to poopoo them at all but ER's are damned packed full and are at a point where they are going to break and NOBODY is going to get proper care. Im saying the nothing is response to being asked needs explored. On top of that I would put the ball in their court, "what do YOU want to do proceeding forward?" Of course you gave them the option of finding a therapist, just talking it out, 72hr hold, etc....

Edit- also set a hard time limit, that isn't right now but maybe in a few days, for a decision or it will continue on indefinitely. I see this all the time especially with almost adults.

Tell him you love him.  Tell him that no matter what difficulties he may face, you will always be there to help if he needs it.  And let him know that no matter how big a screwup he might have the misfortune to make, that you will always forgive him.

First- realize it's not on you. I'm willing to bet you're doing everything you can as a parent. MI doesn't chose based on who raised who. 

Second, there's a lot of sound advice here. Calling a doc is pretty important. ER is POSSIBLY importanter. Depending on the severity of the situation Baker acting (or 5150 depending on what they call it in Texas... you're in Texas, right? ) can be a useful tool, but it's berkeleyin' scary and not at all pleasant for anyone involved- it's definitely one of those "for the greater good" scenarios. 

I think the MOST important thing you can do is reach out yourself. It's entirely possible he won't say anything about the situation. I know when I was that age I could have actually been on fire and I wouldn't have told anyone. HOWEVER, I can also tell you that when you're feeling your absolute worst, sometimes what you need is someone to reach out. The trick is A- to make it not seem like you know what's up, and B- DEFINITELY do not out your source. Trust is a major player here, and you don't want to ruin that. 

I would definitely approach him though, and make a greater effort than a "Hey man, you ok?" situation. Ask more in depth questions. Lead in if you have to. "I noticed you've been (insert concerning behavior here) and it's got me worried. I'm trying to let you do you, but at the same time, you're my #1 concern. What's going on?" That sort of thing. You might get nothing. You might get something. You might get a full breakdown. At that point it is CRITICAL to be as supportive as you can without being judgemental. No matter what happens from that point forward, your only concern is making sure he gets the help he needs. You might hear some E36 M3 you're not trying to hear. Probably a lot of it if I'm honest. Whatever happens, its gotta be let go right then and there. 

The next thing you probably need to think about is something called a safety plan. This is a "what do we do in the event of" plan. We know who to call if we cut an arm off, right? Mental health isn't one of those things people are generally prepared for until E36 M3 goes REAL REAL wrong. The idea here is to have a plan(s) in place so if it does go sideways, protocols are set aside. That's where the professionals come in. Who's the doc. Where is the ER. What immediate resources are available. Assuming you move forward with MH care, what sort of plans are going to be in place for handling of medications, etc. Same as you would for cancer or whatever, but with your thoughts, if that makes sense. 

Beyond that???? It all depends on how it shakes out from the beginning. I think the VERY first question I would ask, and probably not to him is "did he have a plan". When I referred people out for a living the VERY first question we asked was this an urgent or emergent situation? Emergent meant that they had a plan and things were fixing to go down. This was a 911. Urgent meant...closer to what I'm hearing here. Mention of SI is in place, etc. We're not waiting 30 days or whatever our protocol was for referrals. If he's making mention of self harm, he's asking for help, in a way. One of the REALLY morbid things about this that people don't often talk about is, when someone has made up their mind, really truly made up their mind- they don't usually tell anyone. They've made their peace. They've punched their ticket. The end is in sight and all they gotta do is get there. You have that on your side.

IN ANY EVENT- know that I am not a professional. I've just done life on hard mode for a long berkeleyin' time and had a lot of practice. If you need anything, LMK. 

1988RedT2 said:

Tell him you love him.  Tell him that no matter what difficulties he may face, you will always be there to help if he needs it.  And let him know that no matter how big a screwup he might have the misfortune to make, that you will always forgive him.

These are all important things and definitely worth doing, but...

...keep in mind that depression is not just "being sad".  Depression is a disease, caused (at least in some cases) by things not working properly with brain chemistry.  Many people who are depressed simply do not take in or accept statements such as these from other people -- internal thoughts of worthlessness/etc are not rational and cannot be easily defeated by rational discussion.  These people may commit suicide because they genuinely believe that the world and their loved ones are better off without them, no matter what other people say.  This is why it's so important to get pro level help for them.

I agree with the idea of calling the suicide hotline and asking for their advice on how to help your son.

Having gone through this 6 times with one of my children be aware that once a minor declares self harm thoughts to any medical professional  or guidance counselor its out of your hands.  The child will be hospitalized and probably  you will be told to find a Mental Health Center to send him for a week of observation.  

At that place he will be prescribed mood stabilizing drugs that may or may not help.      Every facility is not equal and its hit or miss on who is in at the same time.  Sometimes its kids from "nice families" and sometimes it has thugs that are a 1/2 step from being in juvenile detention in the population and they bully  the other kids.  

Some of the workers are so un-caring that they should be arrested by Child Protective Services.   I learned all this the hard way because I had no idea of what to expect. 

It took us close to 5  years of treatments, 6 hospital stays, two 6 week stays at in patient intense counseling centers,  and various drugs, for my child to get on the right meds and also gain maturity to deal with stressful issues in a positive way without resorting negativity.   Its a long, hard road and can be VERY stressful on a marriage - especially if you don't agree on how to proceed with treatment and changes in home life.  

Don't overlook what he is reading and viewing on the internet.   My child saw a Netflix series about a teenage girl planning suicide, then doing it.   I had no idea that show existed and thought parental controls would filter out stuff like that.   The message of this show became a fixation my child could not shake - the kid takes everything very literally without introspection and this show fed right into her tendency to obsess.     

Kids today have too much information to interpret, that is fed into them constantly, and I believe this has a great deal to do with all the depressed kids out there.  

OMG Crx, I am too opinionated on everything, but I got nothing.  My thoughts and prayers is it.

Please take the wisdoms posted above and please, please reach out to ANYONE if you need help.

😢Dan

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Thank you all for the good input so far.  He's an aspiring drummer and getting very good quickly.  Many of the musicians he admires died young from various causes.  Also he's got a ton of inputs; digital, social that I look into but can't possibly monitor 24/7.  I won't discount any advice here.  Thank you for sharing it.

I've got a 15 year old and we went through some tough things this year as well. Praying for y'all- it's a devastating and empty feeling. 
 

even that comes out as not right. I understand the lost feeling. Deep breaths and get some help. 

codrus (Forum Supporter) said:

...keep in mind that depression is not just "being sad".  Depression is a disease, caused (at least in some cases) by things not working properly with brain chemistry.  Many people who are depressed simply do not take in or accept statements such as these from other people -- internal thoughts of worthlessness/etc are not rational and cannot be easily defeated by rational discussion.  These people may commit suicide because they genuinely believe that the world and their loved ones are better off without them, no matter what other people say.  This is why it's so important to get pro level help for them.

I can't upvote this post enough.

It's not a matter of feeling not loved.  It's a matter of feeling unlovable.

About the meds.   The first round may not work.   Sometimes it takes time and multiple decisions to get to the right formula and dosage.  But, don't give up if the first round doesn't show needed results.

As someone who's been suicidal, I offer this: don't believe the lies. We will lie through our teeth. Everything is fine. We'll give you the biggest smile. Tell the funniest jokes.

All to mask the hell that lives inside us. 

Don't brush it aside if you start a dialogue and a joke and a smile appear. "Naw, Dad, I'm cool."

Purple Frog said:

About the meds.   The first round may not work.   Sometimes it takes time and multiple decisions to get to the right formula and dosage.  But, don't give up if the first round doesn't show needed results.

My wife went through probably 8 different antidepressants/combos before finding one that worked. 

I have had 4 that failed. Of course, it turned out that my anxiety and depression were really just symptoms of my undiagnosed ADHD - so I was just doing a bandaid at best before finally figuring out the root cause. Also there was PTSD that was known and being treated. 

EDIT: I forgot, it was actually 5 that failed. One worked, but I developed an allergy to it after about a month. /EDIT

It may take a long time to get the right treatment figured out. It may also take longer to figure out the actual root cause(s) of everything. And I would expect pediatrics will be a completely different story than what I am familiar with. 
 

Appleseed said:

As someone who's been suicidal, I offer this: don't believe the lies. We will lie through our teeth. Everything is fine. We'll give you the biggest smile. Tell the funniest jokes.

All to mask the hell that lives inside us. 

Don't brush it aside if you start a dialogue and a joke and a smile appear. "Naw, Dad, I'm cool."

Quoting so it can be seen again. BT,DT. 

Many of the musicians he admires died young from various causes. 

But some others are still with us and making the world better with their art. Conversely, imagine how greater [Drummer X] could have become if he hadn't been taken from us too soon.

I'm just wondering if – until the meds or whatever start working – he could find some reason to be happier by focusing on music. Do you happen to know a professional musician (or maybe a favourite music teacher?) who could offer encouragement without directly mentioning the elephant in the room? I know (believe me, I know) that you want to say/do the right thing yourself, not outsource it, but part of being 16 is that Dad loses a lot of credibility. As somebody once put it, the amount of intelligence in a family is finite, and it travels down the generations, which is why, right about the time that you discover you know everything, you also discover that your parents know nothing.

Good luck. We're here for you.

Good advice so far. One thing that I've noticed about my depressive episodes over the years is that they come about when a close, supportive voice has been drowned out or replaced by a negative, critical one. 

First priority has to be your son's safety and well being, but if that can be secured I'd look at higher level situational things that may be impacting him. Have there been any relationship changes recently? Loss of positive influence, support, or guidance? Or has there been an increase in contact with somebody bringing negativity? It doesn't have to be obvious "bad apple" stuff to be destructive to the right personality.

I've been adjacent to two families that lost sons to suicide. Neither had any real warning it was going to happen. They seemed 'fine' on the outside. 

ANY mention of self-harm should be taken seriously, and addressed immediately.

Listen, I just watched 13 reasons why.  There is no such thing is a fake, or subtle, or joking, talk about suicide in anyone.  Ever.  

I'm almost afraid to ask, but it's been on my mind all day. How are things going?

I'm not a parent, so I can't really offer advice, but know that I'm thinking of you and praying for a solution.  I have dealt with this peripherally.  Working at a community theater, I encounter a lot of young folks who are questioning their gender, sexuality, or place in life.  All I can say is, don't underestimate the situation.  We're here for you.