Help me fix my life, or tear it down, you decide.

In reply to Nick Comstock : As far as finding satisfying work, the kind that fills your need to create something and have people happy you did. Here in no particular order are some ideas.  

I had a insanely rich friend who got more and more depressed, in the end he went out to the desert Southwest and started living in his old pickup camper.  He used to pick up old sun bleached wood and paint sea scapes on it. Then drove along the California coastline selling “drift wood” paintings to tourist shops. He’s still doing it. Even though his father left him with hundreds of millions of dollars.  

A local Farmer bought a wood mizer sawmill and he thins out his woodlot making wood boards and planks for hobbyists.  

A neighbor used to have a grandfather clock company where he hired actual grandfathers (retired men) to make grandfather clock kits. 

A guy I used to work with buys used furniture and distresses it making Faux antiques selling it to antique shops. He shops craigslist, second hand stores like Good will and veterans services.  Makes a nice sideline for him. 

All of the above ideas started out as part time  hobbies more than Jobs. 

After decades of selling, dealing with Fortune 500 companies, I solved my need for creation by building my home.  

The solution may not be job change it might just start doing something you enjoy and see if it can provide a supplement to your income.  

Hey Nick, midlife angst is a bitch BTDT got the t-shirt and scars to prove it.  Tons of good advice here and good people who want to support you.

My tiny bit of job advice is this:  construction is tough and constantly has you moving around (away from home, bad for marriage).  Factory work is mind numbing, that can’t be good for you either.   Split the difference, find something in maintenance at a large facility.  I’m a maintenance guy for a VA hospital, it has it’s ups and downs but the work varies enough to be interesting.  The pay is enough to afford some toys and freedom.  We almost always need solid workers who have some basic skills and are willing to learn.  And I feel like i’m Providing a good service to a deserving population.  Look around you and find something that will satisfy YOU, time to shake things up.

As others have said, reach out to me privately if you want.  I’ll try to help or at least be a ear to listen.

I've never gotten used to non-seasonal work. The worst part of an office job was the never ending tunnel of constant work that would never change. Best case scenario would to be work like crazy and then get to manage other people for eternity. Maybe that's just being an adult? 

Thought exercise for Nick: if someone offered to give you the same amount of money to do nothing, but you couldn't generate income in your free time, would you take it? Or would your life suck just as much? 

How's your soul? Without theology life would literally be meaningless regardless of what you do with it.

I don't know if I have any real answers for Nick, but I can offer some observations as someone who fights with general depression on a daily basis.

If I spend too much time paying attention to the news and current events, it does nothing good for my mental health.  Try to remember the news media is in the business to keep ears and eyeballs on their content. One of the easiest ways to do that is through fear.  But living in a constant state of fear is incredibly bad for you.

Exercise - If I don't get out to ride my bikes at least once or twice a week (preferably more), I start going through endorphin withdrawal and get severely depressed.

I'm still fighting to find motivation to work on projects, but over the last month or so I'm starting to feel a bit better.

I'm sometimes jealous of those who can find solace in theology.  Sadly that was a path closed to me a long time ago.

mazdeuce - Seth said:

I've never gotten used to non-seasonal work. The worst part of an office job was the never ending tunnel of constant work that would never change. Best case scenario would to be work like crazy and then get to manage other people for eternity. Maybe that's just being an adult? 

Thought exercise for Nick: if someone offered to give you the same amount of money to do nothing, but you couldn't generate income in your free time, would you take it? Or would your life suck just as much? 

You bring up an extremely interesting point when you mention Office work.  I hated that part of my previous job. Not really because of the work but the toxic people I was in constant contact with.  

People can and do make life miserable for others.  Some because that’s what they enjoy, others because that’s who they are, and still others out of a complete lack of understanding of what they are doing.  

Nick are the people at your job good, nice people or a bunch of jerks?  

Does anyone thing a side job at home would be a good thing to do?

Seems like the core issues is that you have a tough time getting any significant meaning to the work you do- which I also find understandable.  So if you could find a side job at home that your family finds acceptable, perhaps that will allow your creative side to flourish and will help.

And I do mean a side job, and not a hobby- for the reason of making you go and do it instead of relying on fun to motivate you.  Also, by a job, it's not really about the money, it's about delivering your creativity to a customer- find a side job where you are really delivering something to someone.  

I was literally about to write this exact post. Seriously. I feel the exact same way and it’s also a work thing for me. 

In January ‘17, the company I was working for decided to close its doors. I had to scramble to take a job and took what was available but wasn’t a good move. Backing up, I am in the construction business loosely as well. I’m more of an engineer but took a position in the testing and inspection side of the consulting business. Again, I had to take what I could get. I was working 70 hour weeks and it was never enough. I was fielding around 70 phone calls a day and trying to keep the office moving. Endless angry clients and employees that refused to think on their own. Needless to say my wife was not happy. 3 kids 100% of the time during the week had her living a crazy life too. 

I had enough and found a new job that I just started 3 weeks ago.  I feel worthless. Great job. I can get here at 8 and leave and 5 every day which makes my wife happy. But still, going from the insanity to being the new guy is a weird feeling. I have a lot less responsibility now which is great, but I don’t know why I can’t shake this feeling that you describe. 

Keep this thread updated and I’ll do the same. 

Ian F said:

I don't know if I have any real answers for Nick, but I can offer some observations as someone who fights with general depression on a daily basis.

If I spend too much time paying attention to the news and current events, it does nothing good for my mental health.  Try to remember the news media is in the business to keep ears and eyeballs on their content. One of the easiest ways to do that is through fear.  But living in a constant state of fear is incredibly bad for you.

Exercise - If I don't get out to ride my bikes at least once or twice a week (preferably more), I start going through endorphin withdrawal and get severely depressed.

I'm still fighting to find motivation to work on projects, but over the last month or so I'm starting to feel a bit better.

I'm sometimes jealous of those who can find solace in theology.  Sadly that was a path closed to me a long time ago.

For clarity, since I did not want to make my comment into something it isn't, theology is not generally a replacement for mental health treatments. I suspect the OP may have some issues which are not mental health exactly.

That said, I would be delighted to chat with you also on whatever issues you may have had in your past. PM me if you want and we can chat or call.

In reply to alfadriver :

As someone with a "soldier" personality, the prospect of creating my own side job sounds worse than working a job I don't like. I was always happiest showing up to work, asking a boss "what today?" and doing what I was told. Not sure if Nick is like that or not, but some of us are. 

As far as theology, I'm not sure it's great on a societal level, but I think it can be fantastic on a personal level and I often encourage people who are feeling lost to find a church that they can get along with. I wish we were all wired to find our own purpose, but much like work, lots of people do better when someone sets out a structure for them. 

Ugh, that sucks. But I feel your pain. I think I've told my story enough that most remember it, but quick recap.

This time 3 years ago, we were finalizing getting the house into her name, divorce was finalized a few days later, then two weeks after that I was laid off. 

I was 33, divorced, no job, and living with my old college roommate in a E36 M3ty rent house in a rough part of town (he divorced the previous year). To say I should have been on the Christmas Card list for Jameson in 2015 doesn't even begin to cover it. 

I was able to find a crummy contract job that was absolutely miserable. Soul crushing, union gig, way too much middle management, was told it was an 18 month contract, I was laid off from it 5 months later. 

I found another job at a competitor from where I was first laid off. But it was smaller company, insurance was worse and much more expensive, my salary was approaching $15k per less.......and with the overseas competition and the economy, no raises, not enough to invest so we could better compete, and even though not a union shop, there was alot of that attitude from the guys out on the floor. 

I've been at my current gig since Dec '16, I had to move to city I don't particularly like and don't really have any friends. Keep looking, keep fighting, and it will get better. It sounds like you may need to have a talk with your wife sacrifices on both sides. If being home, but broke, is making her happy but you miserable, that's not going to be good for the long term. 

Nick Comstock said:

I don't think I want to go back to what I did before. I would just love to have some of those good attributes in my work. I don't think I'd make a good entrepreneur, I'm just not wired that way. I like to think I make a good soldier but I need marching orders.  

On the subject of what I would like to do. We are in the process of getting a new waterjet installed at work. Last week I disassembled and removed the old machine and moved the major pieces of the new machine into place. I really enjoyed that. The guys from the company are here now getting everything setup and calibrated. I could see myself doing that type of work. I have no idea what type of qualifications are required but that kinda is what spurred me to make this thread. I think something like that is what I should be doing. 

My advice there would be to look up machine tool manufacturers and see if they have any openings posted; check back regularly. I used to work for a machine tool company myself (Amada), but the crew I was with stayed at one of the tech centers and only went out on installation work with new or experimental components. The regular installation guys were assigned a particular region, but there is a lot of travel. Smaller, high sales volume machine tools might have a better odds of getting you home most days, though.

The suggestion of "split the difference between factory and construction work - be a maintenance technician" sounds like it could work, too.

I'm with Tuna that there may be a bit of existential crisis here too. Some theological or philosophical perspective could help life feel a bit more meaningful here and make being short on money and a boring job a bit more tolerable.

You might also want to take up bicycling. I've recently gotten back into it myself. It's great stress relief and a lot cheaper than cars.

Nick based on what’s already been said I don’t have much to offer other than my wish for you that things work out and get better.

Lots to digest here. I only have a short break so I'll have to respond later. 

Also I paid someone to rework my resume last time. Does anyone feel like looking it over? Another set of eyes couldn't hurt right?

Also I want to thank everyone for responding. That was tough to write but something got to give soon.

Nick Comstock said:

Lots to digest here. I only have a short break so I'll have to respond later. 

Also I paid someone to rework my resume last time. Does anyone feel like looking it over? Another set of eyes couldn't hurt right?

I'll look it over, but I can't promise any sort of results.

BKB001 at gmail dot com

Nick Comstock said:

On the subject of what I would like to do. We are in the process of getting a new waterjet installed at work. Last week I disassembled and removed the old machine and moved the major pieces of the new machine into place. I really enjoyed that. The guys from the company are here now getting everything setup and calibrated. I could see myself doing that type of work. I have no idea what type of qualifications are required but that kinda is what spurred me to make this thread. I think something like that is what I should be doing. 

It's basically a programmer+machinist position, I run across them all the time looking for jobs but I know nothing about the machinist part.

Nick Comstock said:

Lots to digest here. I only have a short break so I'll have to respond later. 

Also I paid someone to rework my resume last time. Does anyone feel like looking it over? Another set of eyes couldn't hurt right?

Sure.

My screenname at gmail dot com

Set a goal! If your job is murdering your soul, goal is to find one that fits. That is the new goal...maybe...your choice.

In the meantime, shake up your routine. Do you drive the same route to work, use the same soap, buy the same socks, eat the same food all the time? It resets your life and it works. Look at food first. Pick 3 foods that you don't like but cannot remember why! Silly, stupid stuff like "Why not Bleu Cheese dressing?" (Not bad really!) Beets? Try them again (They still taste nasty to me!). Polyester ankle socks vs Cotton mid length?

Sounds kind silly but evaluating your current surroundings opens you to new things to discover.

Find those moments where you can say "Thank you, I appreciate it." to someone and say it with eye contact. Do something where they should respond with a thank you and don't get upset when they don't say it.

If you find yourself not knowing what to do...do something! Dishes, wash a window, shave...something.

Bruce

mazdeuce - Seth said:

In reply to alfadriver :

As someone with a "soldier" personality, the prospect of creating my own side job sounds worse than working a job I don't like. I was always happiest showing up to work, asking a boss "what today?" and doing what I was told. Not sure if Nick is like that or not, but some of us are. 

If the side job was a chore, sure, nobody should want to do that.  What I'm suggesting is a side job that is more engaging and interesting.  One that is satisfies the need for some kind of creativity that seems to be missing in the normal job.

I don't have anything to add that has not already been said, just know that we are all pulling for you.

It has already been said but I'll repeat what has helped me:

Talking, to a counselor, spouse, friend, priest, whoever. People care, they'll help.

Find something to look forward to. Just downsized to only two cars, hers and mine. When I sold the last project she was very worried I'd lose focus again and start to spiral. The short version is I found a renewed passion for forgotten hobbies (music, space nerd stuff), found a gig at a local studio doing session bass work and bought a telescope (arriving tomorrow according to UPS). Point is, find something to get excited about. Something is out there.

I firmly believe that a good job with low pay is better that a crummy job with great pay. A good job is defined differently by different people, so I can't really get specific.

The best times in my personal life also seem to coincide with the times I have been most active in church, and I can't honestly say which was the cause and which was the effect. And I'll leave it at that.

Grizz said:

I shall use my long history of being a depressed mofo to say that sounds a hell of a lot like depression and you should go talk to someone.

Sure it sounds like a copout but I can tell you from first hand experience that it helps a whole hell of a lot. Getting your head straight will help in figuring out what to do about the job and other stuff.

This was my first thought as well. Talking to a professional is a great start. Talking to the wife is also a good way to go. I can say I've been there, done that and have the tshirt. Fixing the depression side led me to see there was hope. That led me to actively looking at my position and deciding it was time to move on. Which led to where I am now. Waiting on the damned test results. But overall, much happier. Much better place both mentally and physically. 

In reply to Nick Comstock :

I would be happy to review your resume.  a 2-day resume writing class was part of my severance package when I was laid off in 2008, and i've jumped jobs 5 times since then, so i've got some experience.  ;-)

it will take a couple of back-and-forth revisions before it's really tuned up, but when we're done you'll want to start your own company just so you can hire yourself, LOL!

angrycorvair at gmail dot com

I’ll echo what others on here have said: Actually being able to get out how you feel was a huge step. So many of us soldier on in unhappiness, because we think that’s what our friends and family expect of us. It isn’t. I think talking to a professional or a priest is a good next step. They can be a sounding board without judging. They can help you figure out the root cause of how you’re feeling and help you take the steps to find joy again. One of those steps will be talking to your wife. For me that was maybe the hardest part.

I spent 8 years in a higher paying job that made me miserable, for a lot of the same reasons you articulated, because it made financial sense for my family. By the end I felt a lot like you did, except I also felt angry ALL THE TIME. Not great for my family relationships.  I guess what I’m saying is that you need to get right, not just for yourself but also for the people you love. They will appreciate the effort once you help them understand.