In reply to Nick Comstock :
I will only say that she will need to make some compromises too. Happiness in marriage is a two way street.
Good luck with whatever you choose. I am also willing and able to contribute to some detailing supplies, should you decide to try that as a side gig. Don't shy away from a hand up, you have already shown yourself to be worthy of it or it would not be offered to you. 
Stefan said:In reply to Nick Comstock :
I've got a brand new polisher, some pads and auto wax/polish I could send you to help get you started.
I don't like detailing, so I've never used it.
I'll cover shipping.
I was in a similar situation a few years back and it really killed my drive. I finally realized how much my mood was affecting my relationship with swmbo and decided I was done with the bs. I'm still at the same company but I now work under someone else. I was ready to walk out without somewhere else to go. I realized I only go to work to allow me to spend time with my loved ones, so if I'm miserable during that time it's probably not worth going to work at all.
Even if you just use the polisher for a hobby I think it'd help. Give away a few free/cheap detailings and take good before and after pics. Most people don't realize how much of a difference it can make.
In reply to Dead_Sled :
I'm not sure the average person really see any value in having a car detailed. Most around here don't even wash them or just run them through the scratch machines at the gas station once a month at most.
Nick Comstock said:In reply to Stefan :
That's an extremely generous offer. I wouldn't feel right accepting it though. Plus I still need to figure out what direction I want to go.
Seems like I'm in a little chicken and egg type scenario. Am I unhappy because I have a sucky job or do I feel like I have a sucky job because I'm unhappy? Is it mainly a money thing? I don't know. The more I think about it the less sure I get.
Dude! Stop saying no and stalling. I'm tempted to drive down and take ya'll out for bowling and BBQ. then drop a project on your life that would make you some money. Car, scooter, generator, set of air horns....something to kick your brain out of its bored paralysis.
Bruce
Nick Comstock said:In reply to fasted58 :
I've got about $30 a week spending money.
From an absolutely bottom up way to have a little more green in your pocket. My supervisor mows lawns on the side. Nothing big just push mowing and weedeating standard 1/4 acre residential lots. $35-$40 each depending on what your local market bears (bares?). Just knocking on some doors in your neighborhood might yield you enough extra walking around money to avoid the feeling of helplessness. Then you have seed money for future opportunities.
My son is now mowing the lady next doors yard. $40 a pop for maybe 40 minutes work and he uses my mower.
In reply to Nick Comstock :
I swear you have pretty much described me to a T. The big difference is I am 64 and at the end of my career. I feel like I have accomplished almost nothing I wanted to and none of my dreams. I have started over three times. I hate getting up in the morning and going to work. I have worn my body out and spend more and more time going to doctors. I’ve gone through 5-6 antidepressants hoping something helps. It has done nothing to help my ability to focus or be motivated.
I certainly don’t have the answer, but you gotten some good advice here. Get some help writing a new resume. My daughter has started working with a realtor flipping houses. They are desperate for anybody with construction skills and a work ethic. I’m not sure how the market is where you are, but it’s hot as hell here. See if you can hook up with a good local builder. Do the handyman thing.
I wish you success.
Nick Comstock said:In reply to Dead_Sled :
I'm not sure the average person really see any value in having a car detailed. Most around here don't even wash them or just run them through the scratch machines at the gas station once a month at most.
Nick,
you are not looking to help the average guy, its the one in 1000 that wants what you offer. I am sure there are some of those close to you.
Might not be easy at first but once you get the ball rolling people will contact you through word of mouth.
A kid here started by showcasing his work out of his parents garage in the S2000 forums. He would detail a car and document it on a thread. This was 8 years ago. A couple of weeks ago I thought of getting in touch as I wanted someone to polish my wife’s car. Found him. He rents a 3000 sqft warehouse and can even wash cars inside ... started out of a loaned garage.
If thats something you like, give it a shot. Its worth it.
I have a couple of Meguiars 105/205 bottles plus a bunch of microfibers and cleaning supplies that I will gladly donate to the cause.
If you've been around construction a lot, GCs are always in demand, too.
Also, on the personal front, next time you're going to sit down after dinner, do what someone said on page one where you do a 5 minute chore (vacuum, wash the counters throw a load of laundry in, clean up the garage a bit, whatever). Then, write it down. Now you can go relax. At the end of the week, take a look at what you've accomplished and give yourself a pat on the back.
I've found that when I'm in a state of low mental energy, the hardest thing to do is get started, and it's a lot easier if I have a small goal, then reward. "Okay, I can sit on me arse, but first I'm going to pack a lunch for tomorrow." Kinda thing. The important part is to make sure you log it, so you can appreciate what you've done to contribute to the household.
I have a PC random orbit I can loan you to get started.. with 5 kids (infant twins), I can't even think of detailing my cars.. it's just been sitting.
Send it back when you've made enough money to buy your own.
In reply to WonkoTheSane :
The getting started, this is what I call the Point Of Motivation. Some days it's higher than others. Overcome that and there's no stopping you. An object in motion tends to stay in motion.
+1 for logging your accomplishments for the week. Helps you gain perspective on what you have actually achieved. Next step is laying out your goals so you can tackle them one by one.
I'm not 100% sure that trying to start a side business is the direction I need to go in.
While I do love detailing I'm not sure I'm ready to try and tackle that again. Years ago I made a pretty big push to get it going on the side. I did several free details for family and friends of family, printed 3000 flyers and did all the things all the experts recommended to get going and it all came to naught. Not one bit of interest and a lot of time was waisted.
I really just don't have that entrepreneurial spirit that's needed to get something going. Be it detailing or mowing lawns (which is the thing I loathe the most in this entire world) or flipping stuff for walking around money.
As much as I've bitched about not having money in this thread it may sound a little hypocritical but money has never been a motivator for me. I'd almost rather do a detail for free than charge someone for it.
If my current job was satisfying in the least I'd probably be okay with the money.
If it paid better to where I could tend to any of the projects I have laying around waiting on money to finish or start one of the many other interests I have on a reasonable time table then I'd probably be okay with having an uninspiring job.
As far as setting goals, uh yeah that's not me. I've never been a goal setter. I don't write lists and I don't really plan anything. I really have no desire to do so, It's not in my DNA. My wife writes daily lists, weekly lists, monthly lists and I bet if I asked she would have a yearly list as well. It's hell going on vacation with her because every single thing is planned in advance. Breakfast, lunch and dinner all planned out. I'm much more spontaneous.
Indeed, ECM.
Oh, and starting this thread counts! Nothing wrong with research as a sign of positive progress. Write that down :)
No 0 days!
In reply to Nick Comstock :
Never been a goal setter? Maybe that's what's missing? Be spontaneous. Be yourself. But see yourself on a timeline to something better. A happier you. Whatever that is.
Never been a goal setter- that's me. Know what I ended up discovering? I had the wrong ideals. Once I shifted perspective wholesale, I had goals. Not conventional ones in any way shape or form, but it gave me a reason to get out of bed. Trust me, I've been where you are.
I worked in an office building several years ago that had a guy working out of the parking garage as a detailer. He would detail cars of people that worked in the building. They would just park in an area that the building management allowed him to use, and he would work on those throughout the day. He even kept his detailing stuff in some locking metal cabinets there. I thought it was a great idea. He always seemed to have a steady supply of work as people didn't need to take their car anywhere but work. And over time, he built up a dedicated customer base.
BTW, at 54 I'm now unemployed (quit my job) and trying to find what I want to do with the rest of my life. But I decided that working while waiting to die wasn't it. So you are definitely not alone.
Lol, I can't even begin to set a goal. The moment I try to start my mind goes immediately to that quite still place they talk about it going to during Transcendental Meditation. I come back twenty minutes later with a twitchy eye and heartburn.
In reply to Nick Comstock :
Nonsense. You have goals, they just aren't necessarily the ones that make you happy. Think about all the things you do every day, these aren't just actions that happen by coincidence You go to work, your goal is to support yourself and your family. You went years without a car project, your goal was maybe to show yourself and wife that you can do that. You are very capable of achieving goals, and your intent is honorable. Now you just need to redefine what those goals should be in order for you to be happier.
Write down the things that make you happy. If doing something for the fulfillment of doing it is one of them, maybe volunteer work is what you need to focus on. It may become clearer to you what your path should be as you put your ideas on paper.
In reply to Nick Comstock :
Dude, that's just heavy duty Mexican food.
From what you've written so far, I can tell there are things that you want in life that you don't currently have. Well guess what goals are? So you've got goals, but you might not realize it, or they might seem so vague and distant that you can't really envision them or how to get there.
You have shown the desire to be happier by starting this thread. That means that being happier is a goal of yours.
You've mentioned that this loop that you seem stuck in may be keeping you from being the best that you can for your family, so goal # 2 is to be a better family man, and might take care of itself if you get to goal #1. Or, goal #2 might lead to goal #1...just depends.
Maybe you need a more defined short term goal to get the ball rolling such as scraping up enough cash to fill the tank on the bike and periodically go for a long ride that you enjoy.
Honestly, I feel like you probably don't have a very good idea of what your "purpose" is. It sounds to me like you went from feeling "needed" to feeling like an easily replaceable cog in the machine. Since money isn't a big driver for you I'd really try to find a way to give back somehow and feel needed again. Make your purpose somebody or something else. Volunteer at a food pantry or shelter. Help the elderly neighbor with tasks around the house. Do basic car maintenance for a single parent you know who's too overwhelmed. Take free bikes and fix them up for poor kids. It doesn't really matter what you end up doing as long as you end up making a positive impact for somebody else. You can even make it a family affair to keep your family time intact and share in the process with your wife and kid. Let them feel the benefits of working for others, uniting to achieve a common goal, and giving back.
First, the home side. You and your wife need to get on the same page, because this is something that will require her understanding and support to change. This is often a sticky spot because spouses don't all have the same needs, and find iti difficult to understand the needs of their significant other that are not needs of their own. If your wife feels that discussions about your lack of job satisfaction sucking the happiness out of other parts of your life is being blamed on her, that's something that needs to maybe be brought up in a different way in which she can better understand it. If she's happy the way things are, I would hope that's mostly because she doesn't fully understand how deeply unhappy your job is making you. Nobody should be happy with a situation that makes their life more enjoyable and fulfilling exclusively at the expense of the enjoyment and fulfillment in their spouses life...Even if it's for needs which they cannot fully understand. Also, is there any chance that her previously feeling like a single parent was having some similar effects on her as well? That would explain some things, and should help give both of you more sympathy/empathy for the other, and give you the foundation for finding a solution that would benefit both of you more equally...And allow both of you to be better spouses and parents in the process.
Second, the work side. You seem like you enjoy the skilled trades. Are there any of particular interest to you that might also be in-demand in your area? I would guess that any trade in which there is demand for bodies would be willing to help with acquiring the training and certifications. Additionally, check with your local Workforce Development board and/or the Workforce Development person(s) at your local tech/trade school(s). Find out if there are any worker retraining type of programs that could offer financial assistance towards the necessary certificate or certification, and if you might qualify for them.
Nick Comstock said:
I really just don't have that entrepreneurial spirit that's needed to get something going.
As much as I've bitched about not having money in this thread it may sound a little hypocritical but money has never been a motivator for me. I'd almost rather do a detail for free than charge someone for it.
As far as setting goals, uh yeah that's not me. I've never been a goal setter. I don't write lists and I don't really plan anything. I really have no desire to do so, It's not in my DNA. .
It's hell going on vacation with her because every single thing is planned in advance. Breakfast, lunch and dinner all planned out. I'm much more spontaneous.
Oh look, Nick is writing about me again. It's nice when you do that Nick, makes me feel loved.
So what do the non-goal setting non conventionally motivated among us do? I've slipped into a role where I just have to get kids where they're supposed to go, make dinner, and generally stay out of trouble. If someone paid me to do this I'd hate it, but I get to sleep with an very pretty appreciative woman who buys me race tires instead of getting paid, so it's nice.
In reply to mazdeuce - Seth :
Umm, wanna trade 
Nick,
To scratch the racing/motorsport related itch, you can support a local racing "team". Or in other words: you can help a friend during his/hers racing weekends. Pretty common where I'm from: The racer pays for everything: Trip to and from track, accommodations, food, etc. The mechanic is helping and supporting all weekend. From working on the car, getting it inspected, strapping the driver in right, to taking care of the dogs while he races. It may sound like a one-way-deal, but the mechs I talked to all say that it is a blast. You will be part of both success and failures, beer and camp fire bullE36 M3. You will make friends, become part of a community and on Sunday evening you will be tired and you WILL have an answer to the question "What did I do this weekend?".
And some tough love: You are in a hole. You won't get out of the hole without some work. You have been offered free tools, with shipping to you paid - why are you saying no? I'm sure someone here can help you set up a webpage, or you can use facebook for advertisment, post ads in car forums, etc. Printing flyers - your last attempt was obviously some time ago. Of course you should start a side gig! You will active yourself, do something meaningful AND get paid!
More tough love: Setting goals and working towards them is pretty much the only way to success, apart from winning the lottery. It isn't something you can just opt out of. If you want to change things, you must set some realistic, relevant goals, make a plan on how to meet them and get to work.
mazdeuce - Seth said:Nick Comstock said:
I really just don't have that entrepreneurial spirit that's needed to get something going.
As much as I've bitched about not having money in this thread it may sound a little hypocritical but money has never been a motivator for me. I'd almost rather do a detail for free than charge someone for it.
As far as setting goals, uh yeah that's not me. I've never been a goal setter. I don't write lists and I don't really plan anything. I really have no desire to do so, It's not in my DNA. .
It's hell going on vacation with her because every single thing is planned in advance. Breakfast, lunch and dinner all planned out. I'm much more spontaneous.
Oh look, Nick is writing about me again. It's nice when you do that Nick, makes me feel loved.
So what do the non-goal setting non conventionally motivated among us do? I've slipped into a role where I just have to get kids where they're supposed to go, make dinner, and generally stay out of trouble. If someone paid me to do this I'd hate it, but I get to sleep with an very pretty appreciative woman who buys me race tires instead of getting paid, so it's nice.
Have you contacted your HR dept? That may be sexual harassment
Blunt appraisal and advice follows:
So, you feel worthless. Your job reinforces this through your role and compensation. Your wife's family reinforces this by paying for things you couldn't afford. If your wife is truly cool with you hating your job so that you can come home at the same time every day, she's reinforcing it too.
The biggest trouble seems to me, though, that YOU are reinforcing it. You've stated you have no qualifications, minimal physical ability and minimal motivation.
There are plenty of mind games to play and perspectives to consider, but in my experience the best way to combat feeling worthless is to become worth something. It almost doesn't matter what you decide to do, do something! Read books, volunteer, take classes, exercise, look for a job, etc. Pick one of the things that is troubling you and work on it.
Feeling like you have no money can certainly contribute to that feeling of existing. But, even with a low paying job, $30/wk in discretionary funds doesn't add up for me. Check your spending, hard. Then, if you're making entry level pay, you're free to start almost anywhere and work your way up. I'm currently in Texas because it's the easiest place I know of in the world to make money. berkeleying In-N-Out managers make six figures these days, the money is out there.
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