How to forget ones past?

Oh great GRM beseech me with your knowledge.

Short story long- Had a girlfriend about 10 years ago. She cheated on me and left me, right around this time of year, for some kid who'd just been canned from his job, spent all his time getting ripped watching stoner comedy. I had a solid job at the time, my own place, good car, basically I was doing alright for myself. But for whatever reason, I wasn't good enough, and she bailed. Tore me apart. Christmas is already bad enough and this literally sent me over the edge, and I have the scars to prove it. I spent nearly a year barely clinging to giving a crap about life. As absurd as it sounds, my car was my savior. I knew no one else cared about it as much as I did, and that's all that I really cared about. Not family, not friends, not work, nothing. I spent a lot of time holed up in a corner on the internet, talking to random strangers because I didn't think I could trust anyone I knew. To this day the holiday season is incredibly painful for me, and this just adds to it, because I hit this season and am reminded over and over again about how I failed (though I don't really know that I did.... just feels like it. I was beat out by someone who in my opinion, wasn't as good as me).

Fast forward to this year. It's been well known to my wife (together 6, married 3, kid will be 4 months on Xmas) for a number of years that this is a bad time for me, and she's been supportive through it all. But- it's not fair to her. We were discussing the matter one night, and for whatever reason Facebook was brought up. I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I looked her up.I knew it was a bad idea because it would remind me of alllll the things I'd forgotten, and re-imprint the things hadn't managed to. But I did it anyhow. I don't know what I was thinking. And sure enough, she popped up. Married- (to the stoner no less, but to his credit, he seems to have gotten his life together) with two kids. I should be happy for her, and I am. I have 0 intention of actually contacting her, even though I know full well it's only a few keystrokes away. All I want to do is forget. I don't want to know she's on FB, I don't want to know that there's a good possibility of running into her ( she's still local, and happens to frequent many of the places I will be taking my kid over the next however long) I just don't want to know. There's too many other things, questions, memories, etc, that I'd rather not deal with. Any ideas?

That's what man invented alcohol for, I think.

Seriously though, you have a family! You won! Spend time with your wife and kid and go for a nice drive.

See a therapist.

In reply to mndsm:

My ex found me on Facebook. We emailed a couple of times, catching up in a completely platonic way. My wife knew all this. It was good closure. I realized I didn't have any feelings towards her. We are still FB friends, but I've turned off her posts.

then just berkeleyin' forget it, case closed

did I hear this right?? you been married 3 yrs and have a 4 month old... you won, dammit

if you still dwell on it, it's your own problem/ created hell... and one helluva motherberkeleying injustice to your wife and child

I had one of those. I blocked him.

I went through this back in 78 with what I thought was my "soul mate". Got a "Dear John" letter from her while I was in the Corps and nearly sent me over the edge. Cars became my therapy and have remained as such. I would get angry every time I think about her and I finally decided the best way to do that was "just lead a better life". So I did. No regrets. Looking back at it all I'm a whole lot better off that I did. As for the Facebook, I think its a bad idea. What happened in the past should stay in the past so bury it there. You owe it to your wife and child to do that. Enjoy Christmas with those that truly love you and care about you. When you think of the other one, think about what you have and what you've been blessed with. It will pass, trust me.

iceracer wrote: See a therapist.

+1 Seems like a significant issue where the answer might not be Miata. Good luck.

It sucks when the holiday season is ruined by bad memories, I feel your pain brother and know it all to well, not the gf part, but tragic events around a joyous holiday. 2003 was the worst Xmas of my life and I still get anxiety issues around this time. Just be thankful for what you have now and focus 110% on whatever that is until the holidays pass....or as stated above drink in excess, now through the holiday.

A therapist may be a big help. I saw a therapist for several years as a teen. he helped out at first, but then I started to just bullE36 M3 my way through the sessions. If you do decide to seek professional help, be honest with them, and be honest with yourself.

I still don't like my birthday. Heck, I don't like any of the gift giving holidays because there's always drama of some sort from my past tied to them. That's one thing I wish I could get my wife to understand, that I just don't do holidays much anymore.

Also, I find that listening to that song about "seeing my face giving you hell" really loud over and over again helps.

Fixes problems.

monark192 wrote:

iceracer wrote: See a therapist.

+1 Seems like a significant issue where the answer might not be Miata. Good luck.

Or maybe it is. Cars are GREAT therapy, as long as you aren't spending your off time fixing your dd to get to work the next day.

See "Love The Beast"...

The best way to forget old memories is to create new ones.

Dude, you've got a kid having his/her first Christmas. Most of my best memories are my kids at Christmas time. Yesterday is done, concentrate on today and what's right there with you.

In a lot of cases, happiness is a choice you make. Make the choice.

I completely understand. I still pine for an ex-fiancee

Toyman's right. I can add that it's a conscious decision on your part to not necessarily forget but completely stay away from the one who shafted you.

FWIW, Christmas seems to always bring some crap event into my life, damned if I know why. For that reason I get a little bowed up and defensive around this time of year.

I agree you need to walk away. Our memories tend to remember the good stuff.

Don't contact her. Shoot down any memory that comes in your brain and look at the great lady and kid you now have and count your blessings.

10 years ago, someone cheated on you and is now with a stoner. Today, you are married to a supportive wife with kids. You did good. Shoot, it happened to me 3 times (don't laugh). I now have the best wife in the world. I know look back and laugh with amazement of how much better I've done! Sounds like you did too!

Lose yourself in a hobby. Maybe start building models or ships in bottles.

Curmudgeon wrote: Christmas seems to always bring some crap event into my life.....

My brain tends to trigger past thoughts based upon where I am or what music is on the radio.

Cutting my dad's backyard lawn in the summer tends to bring up memories of my older sister that passed away. I still get aggravated at the substance abuse I used to see.

Traveling around the country and listening to music triggers odd things too. (Like I remember being on a specific road 1 year ago listening to a Peter Frampton song)

Javelin wrote: That's what man invented alcohol for, I think. Seriously though, you have a family! You won! Spend time with your wife and kid and go for a nice drive.

+1

If she contacts you, send her this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aIuxlFegCMQ

(...and quit that facebook E36 M3. It is bad for your mental health)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tx8x3LCnYZw

It gets really good @ 1:20

I for one hate the Christmas season. Some of my worst childhood memories involve Christmas. What makes it worse is the wife doesn't "get it"

Look where you want to go, not where you have been - and never stare at anything you don't want to hit.

Works for driving, works for everything.

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote: never stare at anything you don't want to hit.

I see a pun there... I hope it was intended.