How to keep Dad busy now?

Dad has been like a lost puppy after Mom's passing and burial last week. I still find it difficult to talk about her passing, I'm not very good at this.

Since Mom's stroke three years ago and being a nursing home resident since, Dad had only missed one day due to bad winter roads. He fed her lunch and dinner every day, the most dedicated man I ever seen. Before that he was her primary caregiver at home, going back five years or more with her various ailments. They were inseparable. 

He's been through so much, hospice care the last week was extremely taxing, the arrangements, funeral and burial then the follow ups afterwards which he handled mostly on his own by choice. There is no return to any kind of normal after that, Dad needs something now to fill his day though.

Dad has always helped around my place w/ yard or handyman work but that's all done for the year now. I could probably find work inside or at the folks house but that would be minimal. He needs company too now but I can only be around so much, we'll have lunch or dinner but can't every day. He's good after dinner around 6 pm  then watching TV till bed. I can't see him watching TV all day, no berkeleying way. Going to need to fill a void from 11 am till 6 pm. 

Dad still drives and gets out for groceries and such but said he's cutting back this winter. His old friends are mostly long gone. He's not mechanical or a car guy like me so my projects won't interest him. He's the carpenter and handyman type but at his age not much of that anymore. No interest in puzzles or crossword kinda stuff either. 

As well as I know my Dad, I'm at a loss right now. 

Anybody been through this before? 

Any ideas? 

Puppy?  Older dog? 

Worked for my MIL. When my FIL passed she was left with no one to care for the first time in her life. Now her Schnauzer leads a better life than most people I know. 

We had Hospice care for my FIL. We have a very strong organization here. They offer entire family care. They did a great job of grief counseling with my MIL long after FIL had passed. Might check into that too.  

For a humorous note, maybe a Cadillac XLR. I hear it really pulls the silver-haired "tail". 

"He's the carpenter and handyman type but at his age not much of that anymore"

teach/volunteer at a local makerspace?  does a local school have a shop program he can volunteer at?

build something smaller and hand-tools only?

photography?  gets him out, and anyone who's been a carpenter/handyman has an eye for things... this is just shifting its direction.

Of you can start a podcast (maybe just for you/family), 1x a week... talk about old times, history, current events.  How much of his history is actually recorded?

How far is he from a hospital?  Every hospital I know of relies pretty heavily on volunteers to transport patients around, man the information desk, etc....  Mine literally has a couple dozen, some with decades of volunteer service. 

If your dad is still comfortable driving, maybe some time in the Wheels van helping get other seniors to and from appointments. 

He sounds like an awesome guy, my father was a carpenter handyman as well, it's been years and I still miss him a lot.

Volunteer organizations?

I know several older gents that work with meals on wheels programs running meals.  Pros are that it would get him out and interacting with people, cons are that it may be to emotionally close to what he was doing caring for his wife.

Historical societies?

Humane society?  Animals are good therapy and they tend to need some help.

Habitat for humanity? work with his hands again.

I know there are some groups in some areas restoring WW2 aircraft and such.  Could be great.

do some research as to local options. Feeling like he is contributing something is likely a really good idea for him psychologically. give him purpose. 

I’m very sorry to hear of your loss.  

Spot for a joke?

Bob is getting on in years and decides it's time to move into a nursing home.  From day one he discovers that for a variety of reasons there are many more little old ladies than little old men in the home and as a result, he is a hot commodity.

Pretty quick Myrtle sets her sights on Bob and before his bags are unpacked has staked her claim on him, before long they are going to bingo together, snuggling during movie night, sharing their jello.  Usual retirement home stuff.

Well after a couple weeks of this Bob looks into Myrtles eyes and asks "honey, "it's" old and doesn't do much anymore but do you think that at the end of our dates you could take "it" out and just hold on to "it" for a while?"

She giggles cause sure, she's been around the block and this is kinda fun.  From then on Myrtle has "it" in hand.

Then one day Bob doesn't show up for their date!!!  Myrtle is worried, when someone misses an appointment at the nursing home it's usually bad.  She she's stumping all around the place on her walker, not in the dining room, not in his room, not in the day room.......then she spots him in the garden......with some other woman....and she's holding on to "it"!!!  Well poor Myrtle is furious, that's hers to hold.  She stumps out to the garden and confronts Bob.  "You sonofabitch, what's she got that I ain't got??!"

Bob smiles up at her beautifically and answers:  "Parkinsins."

Are there grandkids?  Maybe he could use his carpenter skills to build them toys/trinkets/etc.  Maybe even make some for other needy kids.  
Or even show the kids how to make things.  
 

A week ago? I'd do nothing for now. He's depressed and sad. He's supposed to be depressed and sad. Let him be like a lost puppy for a while. In another week or two, or maybe even longer, then start worrying about this--but maybe he's already got something in mind, when he's ready. 

Don't try to rush his recovery.

My dad volunteered delivering lunches for a group similar to Meals on Wheels. I went with him a few times. About half the clients were older, but the other half was younger than he was, though frail. That kind of surprised me.   In many cases, he would go inside and talk with them for five or ten minutes. It didn't take a lot of time, but he made a lot of friends and it made a difference in people's lives every day.

A dog is a good idea.

Dog is a good idea BUT please be prepared to adopt the dog should it be necessary.

Breaks my heart when I see dogs shuffled off to the pound when their elderly owners can no longer care for them.

Art.  Seriously, my Grandfather was the most bad-ass Marine in WWII and in his later years he occupied his time making little rock people.  He'd go out looking for good rocks, then glue them together and put googly-eyes on them and paint them.  He'd fold Reader's Digests into Christmas trees.  He liked to craft and make stuff.  

My father is an artist too, wildlife painter.  He has been doing it all my life, but now that he is retired, it really helps keep him busy.  

My mother quilts blankets with a group at the church, that they donate them to disaster relief efforts. Having a man there to help cut fabric and bring the ladies supplies and fold blankets...they would love it.  

Look for opportunities to help a group somewhere or buy him some art supplies and see what tickles his fancy - maybe painting, maybe sculpture, maybe decopage.  

My first question would be if he's more of an introvert or an extrovert?  We all crave attention and interaction, but knowing where he falls on that scale will help guide possibly fulfilling avenues for him.

Either way, whatever he ends up doing more of, it'd be better if there's some form of interaction attached. something where he gets regular contact with others besides just you. How regular that is would be based on the answer to my first question.

I like the volunteering idea, but perhaps being around a hospital right now may not be the best thing for him...I guess that depends on his personality.

Here is one idea, that I was thinking of getting my father-in-law into - Amazon Mechanical Turk.

It seems like it designed to exploit children in 3rd world counties who in return for their labor get some pennies and get to polish up their english skills, but there is a wide range of tasks on there that one could easily pass hours working on. If he is not the type to crave a lot of human interaction and is at least a little familiar with computers then maybe this would be good for him. It seems to be that it would be helpful for older folks as a way to keep their mind engaged a bit and they may like earning a few pennies at a time to boot.

+1 on giving him some time first. 

If you are close to a manufacturing area and he is a good driver, there are plenty of smaller shops/businesses looking for a capable wheelman to pick up 10-30 hrs/week just driving around in a box truck or pickup truck listening to AM Radio.  Its an ideal retirement job for me.  

When he's ready...

Rather than a hospital, maybe look at volunteer opportunities at museums, aquariums, zoos, botanical gardens, and those types of places. Those tend to be a bit more upbeat, and if its something he's interest in,  or has knowledge/experience to share, it could be a good fit.

Also check with the local schools. My 3rd grade son has a pen pal (retired)  through school that he exchanges letters with during the school year.

Dog does sounds good, it would have to be his idea tho. They haven't had a dog for over twenty years now. I suppose the family could orchestrate something like Hey, we have this cute dog that needs a good home. He just might go for it.

I should have mentioned in the original post that Dad is 94. Don't let that fool ya tho, when he was 80 people thought he looked 60. Wasn't but a few years ago that dad tossed around a lump of a rototiller in their garden like a teenager. He cut back a couple years ago and only grows in cut down barrels now. When he helps w/ my yard work he uses the push mower to trim, weed whacks and RoundUp instead of using the tractor to cut. I'm tellin' ya, he makes me look bad but that's what he wants to do and I learned a long time ago to just let him go w/ it. He woulda climbed a 25' ladder to clean my gutters this summer if I let him.  This is the kind of stuff that keeps him going. The last six months have been taxing on him w/ Mom's decline and I noticed him slowing a bit, still doesn't look or act 94 tho.

I doubt volunteering would be good. He's still pretty sour on the hospital treatment, almost callous it was. They seemed cold and I was berkeleying pissed at their lack of compassion. He has an open invite at the nursing home (great care/ great people there btw) but last night at dinner he vented how he hates that place. He passes the care home his sister is in on the way to the grave, ain't ready to stop there right now either. I think he's just burned out on care homes. Might be good if he goes back to church tho, he hasn't been there since Mom couldn't attend anymore, the people there were great and loved my Mom. Hospice has counseling but that would have to be his idea too, maybe my sister could convince him to go. Maybe I should just provide company and listen to him right now and let it play out as it does.

There's some old photos we could sort through and I'd like to scan 'em for the family, prolly wait till my sister comes up tho. There's some household and furniture to sort through too, might be a good winter project there or a few fix-it projects. Just thought that if I bagged a buck he'd have the knives sharpened before I got there, that kinda guy.

We're having lunch tomorrow at their old hangout at the downtown diner, I'll pick his brain and go from there.

I know he'll need time but it's gonna be a long winter to fill his time, just trying to get out front of it.

Thanks all

Sorry for your loss, my step dad died a year ago and my mother had been his care giver for many years. The first few weeks we just tried to keep her company and be there to help with any stuff she needed. It helped alot that she had a pretty good network of friends also. Give him some time to process his new reality. If he and your mom were active in church I would think that may be a good place to steer him, maybe the priest can give him a call to see how things are going and offer an invitation to start coming to services again. Mostly I think you are on the right track, offer your time as he needs it and listen for what he is still passionate about and he'll find ways to keep himself occupied. Who knows maybe you will find something you both enjoy. Good luck.

My dad had health/balance/walking issues and had to leave his house - he moved in with my sister for a year and it was not good since he was alone all day and would end up staring at the wall - really sad.  It got to where she couldn't get him in a shower and needed 24 hour assistance so he moved in to an assisted living place.

He came alive - all those old people to hang with?  He became the mayor of the place.   Living in that center ended up being good for him.  When he was in his own house he would sit on the couch all day - it was not good.

He was a draftsmen/engineer refusing to learn CAD in his 50's when it was getting popular and ended up doing his drawings by hand until he was into his early-70's (????).  He didn't use computers but took to the ipad at age 79 and ended up teaching an ipad class for old people at his residence.  Truly amazing and he was on facebook and loved looking at all the car stuff on youtube.  

Your dad needs to be around a lot of people.

For now, listen to him and keep him company.

For later...check in with his local school district for volunteer opportunities perhaps. I've seen some articles online about some places that combined a nursing home and preschool with positive results for everyone involved. My local school district has a program called WatchDOGS where they encourage dads to come in and help out, be a positive influence with students, etc. I'm sure that if his local school district has something similar that they would welcome some kindly granddad presence.

I'm sorry for your loss.

imgon said:

Sorry for your lost, my step dad died a year ago and my mother had been his care giver for many years. The first few weeks we just tried to keep her company and be there to help with any stuff she needed. It helped alot that she had a pretty good network of friends also. Give him some time to process his new reality. If he and your mom were active in church I would think that may be a good place to steer him, maybe the priest can give him a call to see how things are going and offer an invitation to start coming to services again. Mostly I think you are on the right track, offer your time as he needs it and listen for what he is still passionate about and he'll find ways to keep himself occupied. Who knows maybe you will find something you both enjoy. Good luck.

I wanted to highlight this concept of "support network"... having a support network is super important for longevity, so is having something that's mentally engaging (I suppose those can be related)... and I've read that "ability to do a full squat".... I guess I would call those my "tripod of lengivity".  which, it sounds like your dad has had... now the trick is supporting through the short term, and finding ways to build out the support network if it pulled in a bit with the passing of your mom.  (belated condolences)

I agree that it sounds like you're on the right track, and thanks for engaging us about it.  I'll pass along another "good luck" to you as well.

Church......and you go with him......or take him.......this Sunday

Most communities have a senior center. It's a play where seniors can gather during the day and just socialize. Might be a great place for him to meet others and keep busy.