I am so to the breaking point.

What an awful weekend. Unfortunately, the mother of my beautiful little girl is 20-years old and has just caused us so many problems the past couple of months. Her whole family smokes pot, and she has literally used every available cent we have buying it and smoking it. Now she's hanging around with my little sister's reject friends, one of whom is a single 18-year old Mom...and all they want to do is pal about and get stoned. Get stoned at the trailer, drive 20 miles to pick up another sack, stop and smoke on the side of the road on the way back...

I'm only 28, but I have a hard enough time keeping us above water. I was hurt overseas and have a good job with the electric company, but it's also very physical and I'm sucking seriously at the end of the day. We've been together about a year and a half, our daughter is 19mos. Every time I try and tell her she needs to stop, she can't keep doing this... She freaks out and throws TANTRUMS. I'm serious, like little kid immature tantrums where she says stuff like I'm just jealous of her friends because I have no friends and just sit around the house after work, I used to smoke pot so I shouldn't judge, and then goes into nasty personal insults... And she is constantly texting on her cell phone. Constantly. The past couple of months she's started threatening me and my parents when she gets pissed off about how she'll take my daughter and we'll never see her, she'll take us to court...etc.. Three hours later, she'll be calm and crying and telling me how horrible she is and how she knows she's spiteful and nasty and blah blah blah...

Anyway, I know it sounds like white trash, and I'm really not... And she IS a loving Mom, she's just so young and naive and f'ing nasty when she's angry! I'm just so disgusted at myself having a child before I was certain of the woman, it breaks my heart that my little girl won't grow up in a loving family like I did. I think I've cried all f'ing weekend, she is the most precious baby and I just want everything perfect for her.

So... Stephanie, now my ex, wanted to go hang out at that trailer (it's on a farm, by the way) and wanted me to watch our daughter. I told her I was done supporting her, I wouldn't watch our little girl so she could go hang out with a bunch of high school kids and get high instead of finding a job, I'd change the locks... So she took my baby and is staying up there. And is sending nasty text messages about what a controlling shiny happy person I am and how I don't like any of her friends and how I'm so judgmental...

Hardest thing I've ever had to do, I pleaded with her over letting our daughter stay here tonight, I know she needs real time to find a place to live, since NOT GOING was such an impossible f'ing option...

I just don't know, I'm so attached to my daughter, I'm so in love with her, I don't know how I'm going to handle this.

Sorry for the rant, I feel like I've gotta just vent. I'm being hit with so much sheer childish drama I just don't even know which way is up or how everything in the whole world ended up being my fault, hah. I'm being laid off in 6mos and under so much stress. I learned a lesson at such an awful price here.

That really sucks. I wish there was something more I could say to offer more support.

It sounds like your main concern is the healthy upbringing of your daughter. That's really good. It sounds like your ex is creating an unhealthy environment for your daughter. You may need to do what your ex has threatened: go to court. Get custody. See if you can have a judge rule that your ex is not able to share custody until she has been enrolled in a 12-step program, and is rehabilitating herself.

I know that sucks. But if you want your daughter to have a healthy mother to help raise her properly, you may need to seek an outside force that will give her a real kick in the pants.

You need to do what's best for your daughter first. Then you need to do what's best for you second.

I don't know what to say, except I am sure you will figure out what is best for yourself and your daughter. Hang in there! At the end of the day no matter what happens, you should be able to take comfort in the fact you are trying to be the bigger, more mature, responsible parent that you (naturally) should be. Good luck!

I'd assume that you would win any custody case based on what you've told us.
Billy, can you pipe up here?

No body, no crime... time for a vacation to Aruba!

( mandatory "supposed to be a joke" , wink-wink )

I am a year out of almost the same situation you are in now. Get a good (and nasty) lawyer and get to work on filing for custody. But before you serve her papers try to get evidence of her behavior that will hold up in court, your lawyer should be able to find you a PI.

This is important as she will go nuts and could do something rash when she finds out you want custody.

I ended up settling for split custody after some costly mistakes on gathering evidence. Full time was possible for me if hindsight was 20/20.

Hope this helps, and I could speak on it all day so feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

mtn wrote: I'd assume that you would win any custody case *if you can prove* what you've told us.

Fixed.

Seek genuine professional counsel on how to gather evidence.

Yes get custody, its hard when your ar wits-end and all your other wants to do is piss you off. I wish you the best of luck.

p.s my daughter is 4yrs old and she is an awsome little monster!!

my brother and one of my best friends have both been through custody battles..

you seriously underestimate how much the system is skewed against the father.

case in point, my brother who had a job at the time going against his ex who dosent even have a GED,, $25k later and he has partial custody and she got a new BF and now every time she poops out a new kid his child support goes up... (2 kids other then his and counting, shes 23)

my friend.. he didnt find out he had a kid until she showed up at his door with a 6 month old girl and told him it was his and was fileing for child support. (DNA test, ya, its his) she did drugs and barely held down a job.. friend is a chemistry PHD student.. buckled down for a battle (ready to throw whatever it took, sell all his cars, all savings, get a big loan from his parents).. then he got the luckiest break, she was going to go to jail for writing bad checks and essentially sold him full custody for $5k.... (with notarized receipt) his uncle is his attorney and basically has advised him on what to keep in a file in case she got the money to fight it. (pretty much gaurentted she wont get the daughter back) she visits only a few hours a month with her daughter (all she seems to want and my friend dosent want more then that)

keep your chin up, you will find some way through it and gut through. I just wanted to point out that a father getting full custody through court is RARE even if the mom is a bum.

Apexcarver wrote: keep your chin up, you will find some way through it and gut through. I just wanted to point out that a father getting full custody through court is RARE even if the mom is a bum.

My Father-in-law did it twice.

once with my wife's mother. and with her sisters mother.

Duende wrote: What an awful weekend. Unfortunately, the mother of my beautiful little girl is 20-years old and has just caused us so many problems the past couple of months. Her whole family smokes pot, and she has literally used every available cent we have buying it and smoking it. Now she's hanging around with my little sister's reject friends, one of whom is a single 18-year old Mom...and all they want to do is pal about and get stoned. Get stoned at the trailer, drive 20 miles to pick up another sack, stop and smoke on the side of the road on the way back... I'm only 28, but I have a hard enough time keeping us above water. I was hurt overseas and have a good job with the electric company, but it's also very physical and I'm sucking seriously at the end of the day. We've been together about a year and a half, our daughter is 19mos. Every time I try and tell her she needs to stop, she can't keep doing this... She freaks out and throws TANTRUMS. I'm serious, like little kid immature tantrums where she says stuff like I'm just jealous of her friends because I have no friends and just sit around the house after work, I used to smoke pot so I shouldn't judge, and then goes into nasty personal insults... And she is constantly texting on her cell phone. Constantly. The past couple of months she's started threatening me and my parents when she gets pissed off about how she'll take my daughter and we'll never see her, she'll take us to court...etc.. Three hours later, she'll be calm and crying and telling me how horrible she is and how she knows she's spiteful and nasty and blah blah blah... Anyway, I know it sounds like white trash, and I'm really not... And she IS a loving Mom, she's just so young and naive and f'ing nasty when she's angry! I'm just so disgusted at myself having a child before I was certain of the woman, it breaks my heart that my little girl won't grow up in a loving family like I did. I think I've cried all f'ing weekend, she is the most precious baby and I just want everything perfect for her. So... Stephanie, now my ex, wanted to go hang out at that trailer (it's on a farm, by the way) and wanted me to watch our daughter. I told her I was done supporting her, I wouldn't watch our little girl so she could go hang out with a bunch of high school kids and get high instead of finding a job, I'd change the locks... So she took my baby and is staying up there. And is sending nasty text messages about what a controlling shiny happy person I am and how I don't like any of her friends and how I'm so judgmental... Hardest thing I've ever had to do, I pleaded with her over letting our daughter stay here tonight, I know she needs real time to find a place to live, since NOT GOING was such an impossible f'ing option... I just don't know, I'm so attached to my daughter, I'm so in love with her, I don't know how I'm going to handle this. Sorry for the rant, I feel like I've gotta just vent. I'm being hit with so much sheer childish drama I just don't even know which way is up or how everything in the whole world ended up being my fault, hah. I'm being laid off in 6mos and under so much stress. I learned a lesson at such an awful price here.

The numbers seem to be the problem... I might have got them wrong, but this is what I got. You're 28, she's 20. The daughter is 19 mos, you've been together 18 mos, meaning you knocked her up 10 mos before you were together, which was 2.5 years ago, meaning she was 17-18 and you were 25-26. 17 and 25??

But yea... it's time to get the ball rolling on getting custody on paper.

Dude, next time she's over and high, make sure she's got some stuff on her. discreetly call the cops. That should lock full custody, and supervised visits. My buddy got the same deal, though that was texas, not sure about here( I'm assuming you're in WA)

Stuc wrote: The numbers seem to be the problem... I might have got them wrong, but this is what I got. You're 28, she's 20. The daughter is 19 mos, you've been together 18 mos, meaning you knocked her up 10 mos before you were together, which was 2.5 years ago, meaning she was 17-18 and you were 25-26. 17 and 25?? But yea... it's time to get the ball rolling on getting custody on paper.

Yeah and I can bet you those numbers will more than likely be brought up in court during the custody case. Hope you are in a state where 18 isn't the age of consent or you are going to have a big mark against you with that. Her lawyer will make you out as a perv going after and corrupting young girls, possibly even that you are responsible for her current addiction if she didn't start that until after you were together. Be prepared for it to get ugly because if you really want your kid, its going to get really ugly really fast.

Duende:

I hear you're hurting. I admire your heart for your daughter. I am getting a little bit confusing messages, which I excuse, as I realize you weren't completely clear minded when you posted.

A few thoughts (no criticism here, just observation):

-Others have mentioned the age/ timeline thing. Looks like in OR law you could be dealing with statutory issues. That would really hurt your odds of getting custody.

-Though others have suggested it, you never mentioned that you WANTED custody. Do you? Are you prepared to do whatever difficult thing it takes for the benefit of your daughter?

-You said she's now your ex. Were you married?

-I'm confused at your response to her latest shenanigins. You won't watch you daughter so she can go get stoned, which leaves her locked out, but your daughter with her? I don't understand letting your daughter out of your sight in those circumstances. It seems the reverse would have made sense- "I'd be happy to watch her. Please leave us- quickly".

It's clear to me that you grew up a lot faster than you were prepared to. Join the club. But YOU need to take charge of your life, take responsibility for your daughter, choose to love her mother (even if she is an unlovable wretch), and MAKE the DECISION that you are going to do EVERYTHING in your power from this point forward to do what's right on behalf of your daughter.

Her success or failure in life is dependent on your choices, whether you feel prepared for this or not.

And, BTW, I am of the opinion that you are COMPLETELY qualified for this. In fact, as the father of your daughter, you are the ONLY one who IS qualified for this.

-One who's been there, cares a lot, and is no longer afraid to throw in a bit of tough love.

Mate take a note of every conversation and record every time you are together from this moment, seriously, minimum use a micro recorder best use a camera.

When she behaves like she will you will have an unbiased recording of her behavior, it is proof that can't be ignored.

Any and everything you do for your daughter should also be signed by the mother as being for child support, I gave a house to my ex so she could keep the kids where they were comfortable but when it went to family court they ignored that as I didn't have a signed document showing it was for the children. Family Courts are scumbags when it comes to fathers.

Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for all the support. I finally got back online, she cut all the wires outside for the cable and internet when she came back to grab more of her things so I had to sit around and wait for the cable company to run by and re-fix everything. Thankfully I live in a tiny town.

I'm not sure how the timeline thing looks as I wrote it, I wasn't really feeling too coherent when I typed that up... There are no issues on that side though. She was older than 18 when we met, she got pregnant very quickly but it was all legit, haha.

I am going to find a lawyer, my father is a police officer and I've a lot of law enforcement support. She's threatened this far too much, I don't think she has any idea how scary it is to have your relationship with your child threatened like she does... Anyway, I can absolutely prove everything I said.

I for sure want custody... I didn't want to get courts dragged into this, but my relationship with our daughter can't be subject to her whims anymore. I really feel like she's held me down, and this will be good in the end, it just makes me sad for our little girl. I always think of Christmas, how they should be able to walk into Mommy AND Daddy's room and ask to open presents... Not open presents then go visit their other parent. Sigh.

Thanks again, guys. It's appreciated.

As noted, with any legal situation, evidence is KEY. If you say something happened that is fine, but you need to prove it for it to have any use legally.

As a side note, I have heard that pot is known to have a side effect of creating mood instability in some people. I have evidenced it myself (with a male roommate). Not to excuse anything, but it might be useful information to you that if she does get clean she might actually be a nicer person.

Honestly though, I feel the worst for the girl, these sort of things seem to have very long term and sometimes very serious effects. You probably consider consulting an expert on this when you get things a bit more under control.

Man, I feel for you. I agree, go for full custody. You will need every bit of evidence you can get since in many cases judges still feel that a kid should be with their mother. I think the best thing that could happen for you would be for the mother to get busted for possession. With something like that on her record, I would think a judge etc would be much less likely to allow her to keep custody.

The kid needs to come first and foremost. Good luck, you are going to need it.

yeah, go the legal route and get that daughter with you.

I grew up in the 1970's and ALL my friends and siblings smoked weed (and some other "stuff"). Some were not able to drop it and really were a slave to it.

I hope the young lady can get into a program and get away from that stuff.

pete240z wrote: yeah, go the legal route and get that daughter with you. I grew up in the 1970's and ALL my friends and siblings smoked weed (and some other "stuff"). Some were not able to drop it and really were a slave to it. I hope the young lady can get into a program and get away from that stuff.

I second that!

Get full custody AND then put some distance between your daughter and her mother. Do not try to get between them. Just make it difficult for Mom to interfere with your parenting.

That is what happened to me. Living in the same small village , my son saw things like I did. But younger daughter was allowed to see her mother all the time. And with NO RULES at mom's you can guess where she chose to be.

She begged me tocome bcak and put her through her Sr year of HS , ( Because mom and her drug addict hubby could not afford a prom dress or driving school or anything except more drugs) She's in college now, but still reverts to her " socialist " up bringing. Always a victum never responsible. Always with her hand out like her mother.

Son , now 27, hard working responsible adult

Good Luck Brother!

I have a nephew in the same boat, very similar situation, age range, etc. he now has temporary sole custody of the baby, and has a court date in few months to make it permanent.

Here's what we did, and i say "we" because it took both families getting fully involved to get it ironed out . the first thing was to get the girls parents onboard, in the best interest of their grandchild. my sister, and my mother (the childs grandmother and great grandmother) had many conversations with my nephews inlaws. we also had weekly family "conference calls" as we are spread out throughout the country, to discuss the issues. it was painful for my nephew to have his business discussed, but all was in the best interest of the child.

With the girls parents on board, it was a bit easier to convince her to allow the child to "visit" my sister for an extended period, while my nephew and her tried to sort things out. the girl went on another binge during that time and ended up 900 miles away, and made little effort to contact the family or show interest in the child (demonstrating her lack of ability to care for the child.) custody documents were filed during this time as well. nothing was done in secret , demonstrating my nephews ability to put the child first, by voluntarily removing the child from an unhealthy environment, even if he couldnt visit the child to the extreme distance the child was removed too.

All this bode well for him in the courts so far, though he missed his child severely.

My nephew now has the child back, and an excellent case going for him, and the girl is pretty much out of the picture. if she does try and fight the final custody decision, at best we think she will get only supervised visitation, as her lack of true interest can be easily shown (phone records dont show her attempting to call , no visits, ect.)

my nephew does not want to keep the girl from visiting the child (but does want it to be supervised if that happens), and had made great effort to ensure her parent have full visitation any time they want, ect... having the whole family (both ours and the girls)on board has helped tremendously. myself and my other sisters have also provided letters to show that any and all of have and will offer any financial support, housing , or anything else need to ensure this child will always be in a safe and loving environment, should my nephew be awarded full and sole custody.

The extensive network of family on both sides that are willing to provide everything necessary to ensure the child is well cared for has gone along way with the courts and social workers. its not over yet, but hopefully soon it will be. I feel very fortunate that my family members, despite our differences, was able to mobilize so quickly, combine resources, and deal with this with out judgment or bickering, to ensure the child is protected. my nephew may had made some mistakes, but they are not important, all that matters to us is the welfare of his child, so well do what ever is necessary, end of story...

hopefully our story will help you in yours..

I think the only possible solution is to keep your kid away from its mom. She doesn't need a E36 M3ty mom. Good mom>No mom>E36 M3ty mom. Get the kid away from her or (most likely) she will end up just like her. You said this chicks whole family smoked weed, whats to stop her walking trash lifestyle from rubbing off on your daughter?

Sorry, but I don't think to highly of stoners.

Joey

I went through the same situation about 15 years ago.

It took me a long time to wake up to the fact that for some, weed is an all consuming addiction like what we typically envision of hard core drugs.

Over the course of seven years, my X progressed to the point where she was spending around forty bucks a day on weed and would go out of her way to get E36 M3 canned from jobs so she could stay home and party.

Ultimately, I had to work two jobs to keep the bills paid which caused me to take too few courses in grad school to complete everything in the required time. Also, we met when I was 22 and she was 21…at the time, my NAV was 120K which I accumulated completely on my own by working & investing and she was about 5K in debt…by the end of the relationship, my NAV was reduced to 30K. 60K on paper but since she took off leaving me holding the bag for everything from her car loan to her unpaid income tax, my Net was only 30K.

She had a son from a previous marriage and my prevailing thought was that as horrible as the situation was for me, it was nothing compared to that of an innocent little boy so I stayed in the fight and tried to hold everything together.

What I learned from the experience was that some people are simply dead set on trashing their lives and there’s nothing you can do about it other than to save yourself. My X moved back to her home state which was about 1,500 miles away (nice) & I paid to fly her son out for two weeks at Christmas and about two months in the summer every single year until he turned 18 which I feel went a long way towards letting him know that there’s a better world available to him than the one his mother showed him.

So sorry Duende. I hope she can pull it together enough to keep things civil. Just try to stay positive, and not get sucked into the drama. We've got some of that going on in our family right now and it's really rough.

Well... First, thanks so much for all the support. It means a lot and reading some of your comments is really giving me strength.

I guess in the end the truth always finds a way out, and she's been gone so often I've been taking care of bills... And unfortunately realized tonight that she's been texting/calling/sending pics back and forth with her pot dealer in town constantly, every day, every night... For several weeks now.

So I called her, I don't know why...god because I feel like there's no way she'd be cheating, and I'm just wanting to know what the heck I'm supposed to think...and she's drunk, at his house, and says f you for checking up on me he's a better lay...

This was earlier, like 10pm... And it's 1am. I guess since then I feel a little better and clearer about things than I initially did... I'm hurt...well, destroyed...but not entirely for me.. I just keep looking at my little girl and I cannot understand what would make this woman act this way. I mean, she's almost 21, could it all be immaturity? I feel like... I feel so betrayed and taken for granted, I bust my ass every day and to see she was sweet talking me and then immediately talking to him...every day, with me there..? Where is the integrity, why is honesty so hard for some people.

It clears my head for what I need to do, I have done everything humanly possible, because a stable, loving family with a Mom and Dad would have been the best possible thing for my daughter, and she deserves that. But...it breaks my heart that I can't "make" that happen, so I have to focus on doing well for myself...which I already do...so my daughter will have one stable parent who understands his priorities and responsibilities.

My ex has never been in trouble yet, so I don't know how any of this will play out in court. So much is hard to prove, there's a little evidence of what's really going on, but not much. And it kills me to think of the situations she's putting my baby in.

Anyway, gosh, I'm sorry for the rambling personal drama post, but I really appreciate all the support here and just can't get my mind of this darn hamster wheel...