I just applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim.
The City Council told me to f***off.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday...
This is for the fellow Canadians..
A Newfie is walking down the riverbank and spots another Newfie fishing on the other side of the river.
The first Newfie shouts: "Hey dere bye! How do ya get to de udder side?"
The second Newfie looks up from his fishing and says "You're already dere bye!"
oldtin wrote:Keith wrote:Waterskiing? Skipporksboy wrote: What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs... at your front door? Mat In a pool? Bob hanging on a wall? Art in a pile of leaves? RussellIn a hole? Phil.
got a pair of em hanging above your window?
Curt 'n Rod
This one needs to be pronounced.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A: [Shrug] Elephino.
So an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman go to a pub together. They sit down and each order a pint of beer.
The Englishman sees that a fly has landed in his beer. He gets a sour look and asks for a new one.
The Scotsman sees that a fly landed in his beer. He picks it out, and flings it on the floor.
The Irishman sees that a fly has landed in his beer. He picks it up, holds it over the glass and commands, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
Wife: How was your doctors appointment?
Husband: Very very bad. He said I had to take one of these pills every morning for the rest of my life.
Wife: Lots of people need to take pills every day, that's not so bad.
Husband: He only gave me four pills.
A boy is walking through the woods and finds a talking frog. The frog says "Help me! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me on the lips I will turn back into a princess and be yours forever" The boy puts the frog in his shirt pocket and keeps going. The princess repeats "really i am, kiss me and I will become a princess." The boy says "Oh, I believe you, but I'd rather have a talking frog"
Lesley wrote: I just applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 old cars and I was going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim. The City Council told me to f***off. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday...
LOL'z 
So a blond woman goes to a pet store to look at the cute animals. Among the cages, she sees one labeled "Sex Frog - $40". So, she asks the store owner about it.
"Yes ma'am," he says, "that frog is trained to have great sex with you. Just put on sexy lingerie, some nice perfume, then lay down and he'll take care of you."
Very interested, the blond buys the frog, takes it home, and follows the man's directions. She sets the frog on the end of the bed. It sits there and does nothing.
Very angry, she goes back to store and very angrily tells the man it didn't work. "This frog was not trained properly," she tells the owner.
"Let me see that frog," the owner says.
He lifts it up to eye level, glares it strait in the eyes and says, "All right now, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
What is the opposite of Christopher Walken.
Christopher Reeve
JThw8 wrote:oldtin wrote:got a pair of em hanging above your window? Curt 'n RodKeith wrote:Waterskiing? Skipporksboy wrote: What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs... at your front door? Mat In a pool? Bob hanging on a wall? Art in a pile of leaves? RussellIn a hole? Phil.
This is a website dedicated to automobiles and no one has mentioned:
Under a car? Jack
An American is on vacation in London.
An avic rower, he rents a shell and rows down the Thames. It's one of the few sunny days in Brittania so he takes a little nap. He wakes up to find his oars have drifted off; next stop the Atlantic. He sees another boat headed up stream, a guy with two women aboard. He stand up and Yells: "Heeeeyyy!
Hey! Waiving frantically. The guy perks up, loooks over, cups an ear.
"Hey! Can I borrow one of your oars?"
Dem ain't oars, 'em's me SISTERS!
A Scotsman is in a bar in Cuba having a few. He sees a man get up and go to leave without paying. The bartender yells "Hey, you didn't pay your tab" The man tugs on his beard and replies "Castro's Army" and keeps walking. The Scot's having another when he sees another man get up and head to the door. once again the bartender calls out for him to pay and like the first guy he tugs his beard, says "Castro's army" and continues out the door. The Scot, recognizing a chance to save a few bucks gets up and heads towards the door. When the bartender speaks up he shouts back "Castro's army". The bartender says "Oh yeah, where is your beard?" The scotsman lifts up his kilt and says "Secret Service" and walks out.
Man rushes in to a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! My arm got broken in two places!"
Doctor replies, "Well, the thing for you to do is stay outta them places!"
(RIP Archie Campbell..)
How do you make a hankerchief dance? put a little boogie in it
RealMiniDriver wrote:JThw8 wrote:This is a website dedicated to automobiles and no one has mentioned: Under a car? Jackoldtin wrote:got a pair of em hanging above your window? Curt 'n RodKeith wrote:Waterskiing? Skipporksboy wrote: What do you call a guy with no arm and no legs... at your front door? Mat In a pool? Bob hanging on a wall? Art in a pile of leaves? RussellIn a hole? Phil.
In the ocean? Berkeleyed
What do you call a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles? Endless love.
What do the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Graham have in common? They both have the ability to get people on their knees screaming Jesus Christ.
The Queen's Riddle
Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.
He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Colin Powell!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C.
Billy Bob and Cletus are lost at sea in their boat. They see a lamp float by. Billy Bob pulls it out of the water and rubs it. Out comes a genie.
Genie: Thank you for releasing me from my lamp. I shall grant you one wish.
Cletus: I thought it was three...
Genine: Times are tight with the recession and all.
Billy Bob: Well ,we should think this over, we only get one so it should be good.
Cletus shouts out: I wish the whole ocean was filled with beer.
The ocean turns to beer and the genie disapears
Billy Bob: Nice work stupid
Cletus: What?
Bily Bob: Now we have to pee in the boat
Mary was married to Ed for 15 years, and they had 10 kids. When Ed passed she married Tom, and they had six more kids before Tom too passed on. She Married Bob and in the few years before he passed away they had four more kids. When she died the preacher at her funeral said, "well, thankfully they are finally together again" On friend turned to the other and said do you think he means Mary and Ed, or Tom Or Bill? The other friend said I thought he meant her legs.
so a traveling salesman is driving down the road in the deep south and he passes an old farmhouse with an old lady sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch. she's eating a big slab of watermelon and sitting with her legs wide open, and she's got no drawers on. the salesman stops and says, "scuse me, ma'am, but i notice you got no drawers on. is that how you keep cool on such a hot summer day?" and she says, "no, it's how i keep the flies off my watermelon."
A guy is driving down the street one day when he happens to see a sign in a farmer's front yard that says "talking dog for sale". Needless to say, the man was intrigued, so he goes to the door to inquire about it. He knocks on the door, and the farmer answers, so he asks about the dog. The farmer says "here, I'll let you talk to him" and shouts "Come here Otis!". The dog comes out and says hello. The man says, "So tell me about yourself!". "Well, in the early '90s I worked as a rescue dog in the middle east in Operation Desert Storm. After the war was over, I moved to Austria to live in the Alps and help out with avalanche rescues. I did that for a few years and decided to retire, so I came back here to relax on the farm." The man says "WOW, That's amazing! Why on earth would you be trying to get rid of this dog?". The farmer said, "Because he's a berkeleying liar! He didn't do any of that!".
Two potatoes are on a street corner....how can you tell which is the prostitute?
it is the one with the stamp that says Idaho!
Somewhat long...
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
You'll need to log in to post.
