I need help - road rage issues

Hey guys, so you can burn me at the stake but I'm desperate at this point and know that there is no better group of drivers than those on GRM. In the past, I've generally been a pretty calm driver and most things don't get to me, but recently, over the last year or 2, I have had a serious and honestly disappointing bout of road rage. I try my absolute hardest to suppress it, and it works most times, but sometimes I just explode. For reference on the type of traffic here, I live somewhere close to the I-95 corridor in the Northeast.

The most recent experience was just maybe half an hour ago when coming back from work and I'm shaken since I don't want to be this way anymore. Basically, someone cut me off and I almost hit them since they pulled in so quick, I honked, and in my fit of rage, gave them a not so nice hand gesture. Well of course they rolled down the window and did it back, with some yelling that I couldn't quite understand, and I laid on the horn...again. Yes, I know, I should have kept to myself, but thats why I need advice and help. I immediately recognize my anger after I do this and just feel disappointed in myself...everytime.

All I want is to enjoy driving and my cars. I don't know why I am this way, nobody else in my family is but for some reason I'm the 26 year old hothead. I hate it.

Do you fellow GRMers have any advice for me to stick to when these things happen? I don't want to be this way and want to enjoy driving my cars.

This isn't a daily occurrence, but man, I just need some really good advice or a reality check to knock some sense into me because this makes me enjoy driving just a little less, and I don't want that.

I have a friend who works in the prison system, and interacts daily with convicted killers.
 

He acknowledged that there are some genuinely bad dudes inside, but he also said that there are a bunch of guys there simply because they had one bad day that defined their rest of their life. 

I'll usually yell, "awww what the berkeley are you doing" and then move on. 

If it's riling you up to the point that you're still shaking from adrenaline half-an-hour later, perhaps a therapist could help you figure out if there is something else that's really pissing you off and road rage is the trigger. 

*I'm not a therapist and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night. 

I mitigate it by driving the worst thing I can. People tend to behave differently around you when you look like you A- have no money, and B- are prepared to die and take them with you. I got all those bases covered. 

I am someone who is comfortable in a 90 mph pinball in a big city, I love driving on an interstate; in short I don't worry about bad drivers because I see them coming and going. Daily city traffic is not a problem to me.

However, the one time I actually lost my E36 M3 and was pounding on the passenger seat and screaming and gesturing at someone keeping up with me in traffic in my C7 was when I was stressed out of my gourd coming back from a job site. It really scared me and in retrospect the car following me did nothing wrong. They just wanted me to punch it.

That's the only time I've reacted like that.  Are you having something super duper stressful in you life right now?

Thanks guys. I'm trying my best to get past all of it, and I hate the way I am, I don't want to be this way.

The only real stressful thing I can think of right now is that I have a house purchase coming up soon, and affording to live is just kind of a downer on me. Everything else is going great, though. I do know immediately after I lash out that what I did was wrong, but I want to not have to even get to that point and just brush it off and continue enjoying my drive.

And yes I fully accept that I'm the issue, and need to work on whatever is within me causing this...I'm just trying to find the thing to remember that when I feel myself getting worked up I can repeat in my head to bring me back down.

In reply to Japanspec :

Don't hate who you are. You are growing and learning. Leave behind what you hate. You will soon pick up much better things to carry!

Remember this:

What they do with isn't about YOU. They probably didn't even see you (until you gestured). Save your breath to cool your soup. 

Just move along with your life. As Cap'n Downshift once said.. we're here for a good time, not a long time.

My goal on the road is to get there and I drive defensively.

Not to pass as many people as I can or to punish people who drive in a way I don't approve of. But when I watch people frantically tailgate me and try to pass me and the car ahead of me and the car ahead of that one then jump back and forth from lane to lane it really makes me wonder. We are not in a race. They don't give away prizes for how many cars you can pass on the freeway, and if you get behind somebody going slower, you might actually get to work five minutes later? Who cares? There are no trophies or championships here.

And if you get angry enough to actually cause a road rage incident and somebody is hurt or killed, there are fines and lawsuits and prison time waiting for you, just because you had to punish that guy who was tailgating you, cutting you off or driving too slow. Really? Showing that guy what's what is worth that to you? Most of those guys will end up getting theirs or getting pulled over, somewhere down the road without you getting involved.

I used to get angry. Now I take a breath and let them go. I figure if he almost hit me but didn't, I dodged a bullet that day. I made it home alive and with my car, my insurance rates and my blood pressure intact. 

You really can't control what other people do, but you can control yourself.

First off: Kudos! It is incredibly mature, responsible, and plain proper to recognize your role in all this, and ask for help.

Now, doing something about it? That's a bit trickier. Are you getting good sleep? Exercising to the point of maybe not exhaustion, but using the machine to its full potential? Taking walks, meditating, or doing some other sort of unwinding (edibles are an option if used properly)? letting the pressure off at another time can help that tense time. Take up martial arts, boxing, or running. Physical activity helps.

The fact that you recognize a problem speaks volumes. 

I appreciate all the advice and experiences so far, please keep them coming! I will say, I have gotten better from my teenage years, but reading how you all cope with it has given me some ideas to try myself to bring it down even further. I definitely don't want to end up in prison and agree that its not worth it, hence why I instantly feel disappointed in myself after I'm done seeing red (which I shouldn't in the first place).

I don't want or expect a response to this... this is more for your own internal thoughts.

Are you on an anti-depressant?  I don't ask that because I think you need to be, I ask because when I went on anti-depressants, I had to try a few before I found one that worked.  One of the ones I tried made my anger response really wicked, one of which included road rage.  I found myself following a car off an exit ramp before realizing that I wasn't myself, nor did I have a plan for what I would do if I caught up to them at a gas station.  I realized then, something was off.

Again, just for your internal synapses to think about.  Being on the wrong anti-depressant is worse than being on none IMO.  Even if there aren't those meds in your cabinet, I might consider looking online at side-effects of the meds you are on and see if one of them is "intense hatred of idiot drivers."

wheelsmithy (Joe-with-an-L) said:

First off: Kudos! It is incredibly mature, responsible, and plain proper to recognize your role in all this, and ask for help.

Now, doing something about it? That's a bit trickier. Are you getting good sleep? Exercising to the point of maybe not exhaustion, but using the machine to its full potential? Taking walks, meditating, or doing some other sort of unwinding (edibles are an option if used properly)? letting the pressure off at another time can help that tense time. Take up martial arts, boxing, or running. Physical activity helps.

The fact that you recognize a problem speaks volumes. 

I think I should start exercising again. Ever since starting an office job, my physical activity has been very low (minus working on cars). When I worked warehouses in college, I was definitely a bit more at ease...hmmm....

Japanspec said:

All I want is to enjoy driving and my cars.

Apparently this was part of my problem, and it took a vehicle that redefined what 'driving enjoyment' meant for me to finally realize it. The more that whatever I found most enjoyable about driving a vehicle was being affected by other drivers, the more reactive I would become towards their indiscretions. I don't think I've ever been less reactive to other drivers than I am in my F150.

93gsxturbo said:

Had some hood rat pull in front of me in stopped traffic on the freeway when I had my lifted Dodge Ram back in the day.  They then stopped in my lane, with their passenger side mirror just about even with the bottom of my door.  They started yelling odds and ends, so I just opened my door into their mirror with my bestest effort and bye bye mirror.  Truck was going into the body shop next week for a deer strike anyway so YOLO.  The look on their eyes was priceless.

I was on my bicycle and a lady with a Kia Soul pulled out in front of me.  I rage-cycled up to her at the next intersection and liberated her drivers mirror with a good twist and then rode off down a 1 way.

Nowadays I just reach down below the seat and pull out my polished (not chrome, chrome is for gangsters) .45 and wave it out the window, that usually gets them to back down.  

Oh sorry -  this was about how to avoid road rage not how to solve it.

Good examples of what I'm looking not to do! Lol! 

A couple of thoughts:

1) while I wouldn't say I go as far as "road rage", I do find that I get very irritated/annoyed by other drivers doing stupid things.  Or even not really stupid things, just driving slowly.  I have found that the best way to combat this is for me to have something to distract my mind (but not my attention).  Audiobooks are my main system for that right now -- it gives me something else to think about rather than the stupidity of everyone on the road around me. :)  I have also used podcasts in the past and that works too, basically it needs to be something that's more intellect-engaging than just music.

2) I think the conventional answer to your question is probably a therapist.  No personal experience in that regard, but I know people with similar sorts of issues that it has worked for.

I've spent many years driving around the interstates of DC,Mary,VA. Just be aware of them, anticipate the stupidity, learn to recognize in advance and avoid, take advantage of their stupidity to get past traffic, almost make it a game. People are always shocked when I'll call that a car will do something in advance and sure enough they do something dumb. They don't pay attention to other cars on the road at all. Also to that point, 99% of the other drivers have no idea you or anyone else is there on the road also nor do they care.

I'm a Christian man, served on the deacon board at a Baptist church and I've taught Sunday School, now called small group for 25 years.  I've even preached a few messages but get me in a road rage mood and as they say I lose my religion.  

Screaming, swearing and flipping the bird in many traffic issues.  At this point im a weak testimony for the Lord.

Good luck. 

I admit, I have struggled with this, too. I am not fantastic at managing stress, to the point where it affects me physically, and I usually realize I'm at that point when I cannot disengage on the road.
After years of petty finger-waving and horn-honking,I had a scary incident with a biker a few years ago during Bike Week, where a slow guy on a Harley doing 15-under kept nailing the throttle and refusing to let me pass until I took a very risky pass, then tailgated me to the next light--where I jumped out of my car and ran at him, fully intending to do him harm until I saw him cowering and realized I was a crazy person.

Now I try to create a peaceful space in my car--music helps--and I try to listen to my body. I also give myself a quick inventory before I climb behind the wheel: We good? We just want to go [home, to work, etc.] and that is the whole point of this drive. Seems insignificant, but that tiny bit of intentional thinking really helps.

Margie

I admit I had THE moment when entering a construction zone I trundle along and left the car on cruise control. Maybe 2-3 MPH slower than the semi ahead, so a gap grew, but we were all basically going faster than the empty construction zone signs said to. Then at the next entrance ramp, 5 miles on, a guy pulls from behind, zooms past me in the merge lane. Cuts me off. And proceeds to go 15-20 mph slower than I was. So my 20 something year old self is like fine. At the next on ramp I do the same thing to him but instead speed back up to just over the semi truck speed to close the mile plus gap now. The guy, now behind me, starts flashing me and honking and pretending to pull onto the shoulder to pass(shoulder was not car width). So I RAGE, stop the car so he can't pass me, get out and only go to the back of my car and yell at him to "Berkleying STOP as I am going just as fast as the Berkleying semi! And he was an shiny happy person for cutting me off and slowing everyone down" 

That evening I realized I crossed THE line and could easily have been shot dead and all witnesses would have said I deserved it. The guy could have ran me over with his car. So many bad things. And worth what? It was maybe only the third time I ever got angry and reacted against another driver. Gained nothing but anxiety and lack of sleep. 

My solution was to not necessarily drive defensive and let everything go. But just not let myself get emotional about driving in traffic. I stay very attentive and that helps as being cut off isn't as surprising if I can see the driver's head looking for a way to go 0.001mph faster in my lane. When on work travel, I help myself by just letting there be a gap and if someone takes the space, so be it. I focus on not being hit, my audio book, and thinking about food. I really honestly ignore anyone acting out behind me, because I control nothing in regards to collision in that situation. 

I'm reminded of an incident when Lil Stampie was probably 8 or so.  I went to merge onto a highway and a truck intentionally accelerated to block me from merging.  After I got on the highway I positioned myself beside him and rolled down the window in the Miata.  Put my arm up over the hardtop and flipped the middle finger at him.  Lil Stampie looked at me and said "What are you doing?".  Nothing son just waving at the guy.

Fellow I-95 traveler here. And 495, and 695, and 295, and...

Being angry about maddening events seems like a pretty reasonable reaction to me.   I suggest two thoughts and some tactics for you:

Thought: My son, 17 at the time, observed that one should consider the other person to be stupid, not malicious. Consider feeling pity instead of anger.

Thought: Everyone these days has cameras and guns. This thought helps me more than the other thought.

Tactics: Watch carefully and constantly in every direction for approaching bad-behavior drivers, especially near on/off ramps and intersections.  Prevent bad behavior before it happens. Usually this involves maintaining a close following distance, but it could also involve changing lanes, driving faster or slower, or, if you want to be generous, leaving a larger gap. Also, make sure you are always a polite driver, so that you don't invite retribution for a perceived wrong. Polite actions include always signaling (I'm always amazed when people just let me right in), proper zipper merging, leaving adequate space when changing lanes, finding instead of making a gap when entering the highway (while signaling!),  and driving neither much faster nor much slower than everyone else. Do you have a vehicle that would tend to piss off other people? (slammed and loud, off-color messages, extreme political messages, massive bro-dude truck, conspicuous consumption(911, Bentley, etc) in a poor area, etc) - consider a more sedate DD.

In reply to Japanspec :

Don't be disappointed in yourself, learn from yourself. Every moment is an opportunity to grow. 

Watch your mirrors, if you see a clapped out Altima weaving through traffic behind you, leave him somewhere to get past you.