I need help - road rage issues

In reply to Japanspec :

Yes exercise, and find ways to mitigate stress.  Traffic stress is real.  And stress can bring out things in people that aren't their norm.  
 

Listen to relaxing music, happy music, get a dash cam and make funny videos out of it all.  Do not try to out Altima the Altimas out there :). 
 

You said you aren't getting enough exercise, stressor 1, buying  a home 2, and I-95 traffic = 3.  Your reaction is pretty normal actually.  Channel that energy into something fun or beneficial instead.  

 

Funny enough it was an Altima! Oh man...

Thanks for all the advice so far guys, I knew GRM has advice for basically everything. I'm going to try implementing it and seeing if I notice an improvement, because that would be wonderful.

In reply to Japanspec :

That you are noticing it and attempting to change is a huge first step. 

I've always been a kind and considerate driver- until someone wronged me. Then it was my duty to let them know how I felt about it, even if it meant doing something stupider than what the other guy originally did. Thankfully I made it through those situations to live long enough to realize how stupid I was. I realized the risks I was taking, for what? To teach some random idiot a lesson that they weren't likely to learn anyway? Doing track days helped, as it showed me that 1) driving aggressively on the street was foolish and 2) I have nothing to prove to any random moron in traffic. I can drive circles around most people. Which I actually did during one road rage incident. Which was actually pretty funny, but not the best idea. 
 

Now I just relax. I leave early, and I'm not in a hurry. I pay attention, and try to make a game out of spotting aggressive drivers early. I make jokes to myself about the other driver. "Look at that guy, he's in a hurry to get to the scene of his accident." I'm not out to punish other drivers, I figure  there E36 M3ty lives are doing that already. Occasionally someone does something so WTF that I want to react on instinct, but I take deep breath and tell myself that they have no affect on my life unless I let them. 

Road rage seems like such an American thing.   I was in Dublin for a few days last week.  Dublin traffic SUCKS.  Remember the scene in office space when the guy in a walker passes the commuter in the car?  That's Dublin.

Yet, somehow, people just deal with it.  No honking, screaming, 3 lane changes to get one car ahead, preventing someone from merging, etc.  None of it.

I rolled up to a toll for a tunnel.  I had been told to just drive through tolls, then pay via web site later.  THIS toll, however, accepted a credit card but I rolled past the reader without seeing it (driving on the opposite side of the road takes a lot of my concentration).  So I sat there at the unattended booth, blocked by a gate.  I started honking, hoping someone would help me out.  Eventually, I realized my error and saw the reader, so I backed up a few feet, paid, and left.

While I figured it out, there were at least 3 cars completely stuck behind me.  No one honked.  When I finally got through, no one blasted by me, finger held high.  They just went on with their lives, slightly inconvenienced.  It felt surreal.  I've driven in 5 countries in Europe and never encountered road rage.  India (I had a driver) was insane but the same deal - no one takes personal affront to anything that happens in traffic.

I dunno why this is but there you go.

I frequently drive on some of the most annoying roads in the US: NJ, SE PA, NYC, CT and Massachusetts. Over the years, I've generally managed to avoid submitting to road rage.  It's definitely not easy sometimes.

Driving a "IDGAF" car helps.  While I love my minivan, I have zero attachment to it.  If something were to happen to it, I would just go buy another one.  Granted, it helps a lot to be in a financial position to do that.

I avoid being in a hurry like the plague.  I try to leave with plenty of time to get wherever I need to be. This doesn't mean I don't drive fast at times, but there's a difference between driving fast and being in a hurry.  I'll get there when I get there. 

Two suggestions:  first, watch dashcam videos on YouTube (I like the Mega Driving School channel).  After a few days/weeks of enjoying the idiocy of others, you'll be able to spot these morons before anything even happens. 

Second, I just assume everyone driving is mentally unbalanced and carrying a loaded handgun.  Then hum a line from that tiresome song from "Frozen".

I've struggled with it too. Another vote for podcasts and audiobooks. It definitely helps. 

Also +1 to watch dashcam videos like the subreddit "idiotsincars". You will become psychic in your ability to predict what other idiots do. I say "other idiots" because we are all idiots sometimes and recognizing that you are not Mario Andretti will help empathize with others and forgive their mistakes. 

OK, story time.

I was once very much like this. People doing stupid stuff and then blaming you etc. It all culminated in an event that to this day don't recall all of it because I mentally blacked out from rage. According to the wife, some jack hole was tailgating us on a 2 lane highway while we were following traffic. I brake checked a few times, and then slowed down, then pulled over to let them past and then floored it when they started. I guess I tried to swerve at them or something.... this is all second hand for me at this point. 

Not long after this incident I saw a psychologist for my depression, worked with them for several months and got on meds that worked for me and that helped. But I still got angry, just not AS angry as before. Saw a therapist for a while and had a career coach and they both helped me get to the root of my issue (it was me, not them even though they messed up) and how to let it go.

I've never been happier behind the wheel. Sure, I see people do stupid things, and it frustrates me. But I don't let that get under my skin. I learned how to acknowledge the problem, my feelings and to let them move on. IT's truly liberating when you get it right. Doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement, nor am I perfect. But it is much better. 

Maybe I don't see as much obvious road rage as many of the posters on this board.  Specifically people trying to target me in some way. However, when I do see someone doing something I deem stupid I have found that telling myself a story about them seems to help me.  Maybe the guy speeding just heard his wife is in labor and is trying to get to the hospital.  Maybe the woman not paying attention is distracted because she just found out her mother has cancer.  The person that cut me off may just be angry because they got laid off.

I know I've made mistakes when driving and none of it intentional.  I try to imagine the person who's frustrating me probably made a similar bonehead unintentional mistake because there's other things going on in their life that I have no idea about.

That same attitude seems to work with retail employees, wait staff, people on the internet (especially on the internet), etc.  Everyone has a bad day (or week or month) and my life seems to be less stressful, possibly more empathetic, if I think I've just met them on a very bad day.  They're not directing it at me, I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.  Imagine hearing your spouse wants a divorce and then having to go work an 8-hour shift as a cashier.  I know I would not be a nice person the whole day. 

I don't know if that will help the OP or anyone else, but thought I'd share in case it can help someone.

-Rob

I used to be really bad with road rage. Around here, we have some of the world's worst drivers on some of the most annoying roads imaginable. Couple that with general MA-hole mentality, and it's a recipe for disaster. The day I caught myself from going over the edge was a rough one: I was driving in a company vehicle, and some guy nearly hit me while cutting me off. I gestured out the window, and at the next stop light, the guy got out and showed me a gun. Was getting shot worth it? Guy was a jerk and in the wrong, but I learned that day that lots of other people are insane and you don't know what the other guy is going to do in a situation like that. 

And yes, people are insane! I watched two morons a couple months ago go at it in a work van (with business signage on it!) and F150. The two of them kept cutting each other off, and then turned a busy road during rush hour into a demo derby, smashing their vehicles into each other. At one point, I was sitting at a light watching these two dopes going at it, and myself and a couple others had to run the light to avoid getting hit by the van backing up to take another swing at the truck! They weren't just trying to harm each other; they were endagering EVERYONE with their idiocy. 

I now subscribe to the "arrive alive" mentality. I've calmed down quite a bit with that stuff and try to keep a cool head. It's hard to do in the moment, but try to think of what things would be like if they went wrong because of your actions. These days, there's cameras everywhere recording everything, so you're not going to get away with doing something bad. It's just not worth it to act stupid and angry in the long run. 

I'll echo the others saying it sounds like you've got a deeper problem leading to this issue. For a mindset shift to help you deal with things on the road:

You can't control other people. You can only control yourself.

What I find chills me out the most on the road is to give myself the goal that I am going to make the road a more pleasant place for *someone* out there. I'm going to proactively watch traffic and make it so someone's drive is easier and less stressful. I'm going to look for the person who is trying to merge and actively give them space to do so without stress.

This even helps me deal with the aggressive crazies who cut people off and swerve through traffic. I've left enough merging space that I'm not *really* being "cut off". Altima driver zipped into that space unnecessarily aggressively? Good thing they did it in front of me instead of someone else. I left enough space that they could vent their aggression safely. If they'd done that with someone else on the road, that could have easily been an accident.

Hey, I'm actually getting to work faster and with less stress because I prevented an accident! Go me!

And at least around here, I find people actually show appreciation. People wave in their rearview mirrors. I get truckers blink their lights to acknowledge letting them merge.

It relaxes me a LOT to have a proactive goal that I can control when I'm on the road.

I still have trouble controlling myself when I get someone who flips me off because I changed lanes exactly like I signaled I was going to.

A few things here.  

For me, I keep a mantra to myself. "RULE 0 - DO NOT ENGAGE"  No matter how pissed you are, know that you wont improve any situation through engaging with morons, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. 

I found myself slipping in more recent years. Job stress, parenting stress (young kids and sleep deprivation), and family stress...  It wasnt just driving,  it could be as dumb as finding myself slipping into a rage bender if I went on a losing streak on a dumb cell phone game. This constant feeling that I'm being E36 M3 on. 

Get into driving and, at least around DC, you encounter so many people with a "ME FIRST" mentality. Doesnt matter how they do it, they will basically put you in a position of "you are going to let me go first or we will crash" and yup, it gets the rage going. The siren call to be the vigilante on the road and PUNISH THEM. You start wanting to build an armored vehicle such as in Death Race...  

Thing is, in the name of seeking fun driving you are likely putting pressure on yourself to arrive there faster, more efficiently, to pass more people than pass you...   The hard part is giving that up when you encounter traffic. Accepting that you are just a person waiting in line to get there and there will be shiny happy people playing chicken to get one place ahead in line. 

For me, here are the focus points, outside of the overarching life stress reduction work.

• You will get there when you get there. Accept that you will be late if its looking that way.
• INCREASE YOUR FOLLOW DISTANCE. stop trying to prevent the shiny happy people from cutting you off.  (for me, this was a primary stress riser) (this will also make you a ton less likely to get in an accident)
• shiny happy people will be shiny happy people, JUST LET THEM GO. Laugh to yourself about the accident they will get themselves into from their behaviour. 

I don't know what the online resources are like for this, maybe YouTube has something, but look into anger management classes.  From personal experience, being court ordered to go, it will help in issues of road rage, but also in all aspects of life.

Sigh... Why does it ALWAYS have to be an altima?  haha. 

I just saw one legitmately on its roof ON TOP of two minis on a dealer lot.  The road speed limit that the dealer is on is 30mph, and straight as an arrow.  I just have no idea how it happened... 

As for road rage, I have always kept the 'You never know what kind of E36 M3 someone else is going through on a given day' theory, so even if I get cut off or run off the road, the worst ill do is throw up my arms in a 'im not mad, im just disappointed' way... but most times I'll just wave them on and remind myself that most people are crazy and I'm not about to find out how... 

Got any old trauma you haven't dealt with? I know my last car crash left me with PTSD (having a squid unalive himself across the hood of your SUV will do that). Got therapy and got things under control for the most part. Some things still trigger it, but now I recognize when it happens rather than just becoming a raging shiny happy person.

Beer Baron said:

What I find chills me out the most on the road is to give myself the goal that I am going to make the road a more pleasant place for *someone* out there. I'm going to proactively watch traffic and make it so someone's drive is easier and less stressful. I'm going to look for the person who is trying to merge and actively give them space to do so without stress.

As I typed my post above, I wondered how I didn't see as much road rage as everyone else.  Maybe it's the chilled nature of central Texas, but this comment resonates with me because I do the same and I've seen the total opposite when riding with others.  How does it make your life better by being aggressive?  Giving that person a car length to merge onto the freeway doesn't make you any less of a person.  You don't "win" by shutting them out.  Is the 10 seconds of "ha ha! I denied you something for my own gratification" worth an accident or worse?  Instead, let them merge.  You may find the "thank you" hand wave makes you feel better for the rest of the commute.
 

-Rob

I have had Mrs. VCH get on my case for pulling blocking maneuvers when people try to pass a long line of cars waiting to get by a semi or merging in a construction zone. Usually we have our kids in the car, so she has a point. But even when I'm alone, I have to remember that there are other people in this world depending on me to not be injured or imprisoned or deadened, and my job is to mitigate risk accordingly. 

I would guess 7 out of every 10 dumb maneuvers I witness are due to stupidity,or cluelessness.  Those people I can feel sorry for. 2 out of ten are probably intentional, driving aggressively.  I can respect that. And the remaining 10 percent are just batE36 M3 crazy.  Andi can be smart enough to give those insane motherberkeleyers a WIDE berth. 

A couple of semi disjointed thoughts.

What are you listening to?  "Bad Habit" by Offspring is probably not conducive to a mellow drive.  Be aware of your mood and what is feeding all your senses while in the car.

I've embraced my inner redneck.  Instead of screaming and yelling at other drivers (they can't here me so it's beyond useless), I just conversationally tell them what they did wrong and what they should do about it.  "Hey dummy, that wasn't enough room to merge, why don't you go lay down somewhere and think about it." If they were awkward but not egregious.  The truly terrible driver who really makes me slam on my brakes and question his pedigree and sobriety might get something more like "you dumb vajajay, you should just pull over and die."  Harsh perhaps but it allows me to vent a little pressure without exploding.   

We can't always change how we feel, but we can work on how we express those feelings.  So stay mellow when you can but don't beat yourself up if you can't, just vent a bit, ease some of the pressure out, and go back to enjoying the drive.

Thank you guys for all the advice again! I have seen a therapist in the past for other things, so its not out of the question. I may need to go to one to work on things, which is fine and I'll consider it.

The drive to work today was uneventful-ish. Plenty of people tailgating and trying to get onto the ramps .001 seconds before me, and then more tailgating, but I was able to keep it cool. I was trying to be more aware and it was actually kinda funny how after tailgating me and flying by, they would then tailgate the next person, and the next, and the next, then end up right in front of me at the light after an exit...

I guess being more aware and watching their patterns puts a comic spin on things?

Yes watch in awe all the dumb crap you see driving and it is a bit entertaining.  Driving with me daughter we will both bust out with "whoa did you see that!"  
 

The other night my wife ducked into a lane with more traffic to get away from two Altima's trying to repass each other in the other two lanes over and over.  She's very smart.  
 

Leave early, have a snack, have a nice cool or warm drink listen to something peaceful, and viola then you can just watch and enjoy the show.  My commute is so long I add go to the restroom before driving too (another stressor).  

Last night we had the first long hard rain of the rainy season.  I simply drove more cautiously putting more space between myself and others.  Sometimes I had to go slow and others quicker to get away from large balls of traffic.  
 

Another tip, do all your fast driving at a rallycross!  That's my favorite.  

Japanspec said:

I guess being more aware and watching their patterns puts a comic spin on things?

You can even make a game out of it.  Think up a crazy story as to why they're acting that way. 
Daddy was a big fan of Talladega Nights and drilled into their head "If you're not first, you're last" from the time they were born.  So, they've lived their whole life that way and not only do it on the road, but in line at the grocery store, at a fast food joint, at the DMV.  At the DMV, when they did it, the DMV made sure to get the most unflattering picture of them they could and listed them as four inches shorter just to mess with them.  They were already worried about their height, so it just reminds them every time they have to pull out the ID. 
You can also go positive and imagine they just got news that their kid got into the college they wanted and they can't wait to get home to give them a hug.  Or, they're actually a professor of aerodynamics and have a dash came to use in class and give their students a fun example of drafting that will inspire those students to learn and one of them becomes the next Adrian Newey because their professor inspired them with a silly drafting video. 

By the time you've concentrated on the story, they're probably well away from you and you've focused your effort on mentally making up that story instead of focusing it on retaliating. 

-Rob

rob_lewis said:

As I typed my post above, I wondered how I didn't see as much road rage as everyone else.  Maybe it's the chilled nature of central Texas, but this comment resonates with me because I do the same and I've seen the total opposite when riding with others.  How does it make your life better by being aggressive?  Giving that person a car length to merge onto the freeway doesn't make you any less of a person.  You don't "win" by shutting them out.  

A friend of mine said this to me: "if I'm tempted to get pissed about something, I ask myself if it will help.  If the answer is NO, I don't get upset".  He was a successful Wall Street guy before he retired.  Coincidentally, I randomly learned that another parent at my daughter's school used to work with (or for?) him.  "Steve is amazing.  Always calm.  NOTHING gets him flustered".

To your second comment, I was out in my 360 one day, casually passing a guy in a Volvo wagon as we neared the end of his lane.  He floored it to come from behind to pass me back before the merge.  At the next light we were side-by-side so I congratulated him for winning traffic.

In reply to mfennell :

It's ok to be upset and frustrated. We are humans and have emotions. It's perfectly valid emotion to have when you feel you've been wronged. We just have to learn how to handle them better and not act out on them. 

I was that guy once. I've followed people home and to other destinations. I've tried to get others to follow me off the highway so I could do something that would no doubt land me in jail, the hospital, or a casket. I actually got a guy to follow me and I came out of the car and made a b-line for his door. I saw his daughter in the passenger seat and it didn't phase me. His minor traffic infraction deserved whatever punishment I was going to met out.  He took off, thank God.
Now I get irritated, wonder how they get through life being that stupid, and move on.  
How did I get here? 
I didn't realize it at the time (amazing I was that clueless), but I was a raging addict. After my life fell apart I went through a 12-step program and realized that most of the problems I had were related to my feeling of loss of control and a false sense of justice. I see both of those here; you can't control these morons, and you feel like they are doing something wrong and getting away with it. No justice in your eyes.  

My suggestion is look within yourself and your family history for signs of addiction and get into a 12-step.  And or get counseling.

Road rage does not happen in a vacuum. It is a culmination of all the little stresses over the last hour or week or month. If you fix that you will be in a better place when some waste of skin in a rusty E36 M3box dives into your already too short following distance. Not that I know how to fix an increasingly busy, difficult, expensive and stressful life. If I do I will let you know. We may be the healthiest and most prosperous generation ever, but we sure pay for it.