I was just asked for my daughter's hand

People still ask the father for their daughter's hand?

In reply to DaveEstey:
My son did it two years ago. I've never asked him what he was prepared to do had his FIL said no. However, I do know he made a gazillion brownie points by asking.

My fiancee forbid me to ask...she hates these archaic ideas and I couldn't agree more. My dad did the same thing...except it was in about 1972 and was a bit more taboo back then!

Her dad is still a bit ***hurt about it. Hehehe

Yes, it seems more ask than don't ask.

My son is getting ready to ask his girlfriend's Dad for her hand. It's respect and it's the right thing to do.

When you marry a girl you aren't just marrying her, you are marrying her family and all it's problems. Unless you sneak into their house in the middle of the night and off them they will be with you for the rest of your life in so many ways.

As to wondering why he's not married at 30, on one hand I'm glad he's not. There's no ex to create issues and no kids that I know of.

And that's part of the issue, there's a lot we don't know about. I do know his mom & dad are divorced which statistically just raised the odds considerably my daughter's marriage won't last long term. But honestly other than he sells healthcare products and looks a lot like Howdy Doody, there's not a lot I know about him. WHY?

What's hidden there? This is my daughter we're talking about and she's more important than any number of cars & car projects. Her heart can't be replaced as easily as an LSX swap.

My son did. Call it old fashioned, call it out dated, whatever; he opens doors for women and takes his hat off in the house.

Congrats CarGuy, he sounds like a good one.

Dan

My first engagement I asked her father, partly that was how I was raised and partly she was a serious daddy's girl and it was expected. Turned out she was too much of a daddy's girl and we never got married. The second time (and this time I plan to follow though) she forbid me to speak to hear parents much less ask their permission, they apparently don't want her in their life and she feels just as strongly. The only person's blessing she wanted was her brother and her best friend. I guess to each their own. I would have asked her parents if she had wanted me to.

I don't think I know anyone who has ever gone to the father to ask for permission. Seems odd to me, that a woman would allow that sort of tradition to exist, but I guess I grew up in an era of feminism.

I think my response would be something along the lines of this: "Its her choice, but if you do her wrong, and I'll see you suffer for it."

Duke wrote: It never occurred to me to ask my father-in-law's permission. Quite frankly, he wasn't the one I was marrying and it wasn't his decision to make. We did go to both sets of parents after the fact, but the real decision was between us, not them. I now have 2 daughters, ages 20 and 17, and I don't feel any differently.

Agreed. Unless there is a dowry involved asking is WAY outdated. What year is this anyway? Do you guys choose her brand of tampons too?

vwcorvette wrote: Unless there is a dowry involved asking is WAY outdated.

I asked my FIL for a dowry. I demanded a goat, five acres and a new chainsaw. He said no and added that she was mine now and he didnt take returns.

logdog wrote:

vwcorvette wrote: Unless there is a dowry involved asking is WAY outdated.

I asked my FIL for a dowry. I demanded a goat, five acres and a new chainsaw. He said no and added that she was mine now and he didnt take returns.

Bwahahahahahaha!

I asked, but then again, her parents are most certainly from an age when it was fully expected that you do so. We're approaching our ten year anniversary, and her mother is 90. Her father would have been 95 if he were still with us. They loved me before I asked, and it only helped. Of course, if they had said no, I would have set about winning them over.

My daughter is the poster child for the movie 27 dresses and everyone of her friends has had the boy ask the father for her hand.

Most of her friends are in the L.A. area which really means they are from all over.

It's not about a dowry and it has nothing to do with feminism. It courteous, it's respectful and like I said before, it's the right thing to do. It sets the stage for a more peaceful relationship with the family.

But with that said NO ONE likes my mom and I'd also forbid a gal to ask her for my hand in marriage so I can understand the flip side of that, but unless you are at one of the extreme situations it's just good insurance and it impresses the heck out of the girls that you cared enough about them to be sure there would be the best chance of harmony in the wedding.

It's kinda like opening the doors for the girls, it's good manners.

My FIL was pretty annoyed by the whole thing. I think he thought I was going to tell him I'd knocked his daughter up or ask him for money. When I got up the nerve, his reply (in thick southern accent) was "Aaawww E36 M3, Mike. You're askin the wrong goddamned person!"

I miss that motherberkeleyer every day.

From the Evolving Southern Culture desk..

"Uh, Mr. Roberts..can we talk for a minute?'

He never called me 'Mr. Roberts' before. Something's up. "Yeah, man..go ahead."

"Uhhh..I really like your daughter, sir."

"And?"

"We might get married."

"What if I told you to go berkeley yourself?"

(shivering a little bit) "I think we'd do it anyway."

"That's the answer I wanted to hear, boy. It's cool with me."

Of course, it helps that he finished technical school (computer E36 M3) and has a job. They're engaged, but not pulling the trigger until they have their debts under control.

It's not about a dowry and it has nothing to do with feminism. It courteous, it's respectful and like I said before, it's the right thing to do. It sets the stage for a more peaceful relationship with the family.

Historically, it's based on a business transaction. Nothing more, nothing less. Just cause folks seem to romanticize it now won't change that. And, it's demeaning to women. And, if she's an adult it's HER decision. I'd never let that come between me and a future family member.

I didn't get a chance to ask my father-in-law. After the wife and I had been dating for a year he asked me when we were getting married.

We were planning on getting married but were waiting until I got my teaching tenure.

" I was just asked for my daughter's hand"

Didn't he want the rest of her?

DaveEstey wrote: People still ask the father for their daughter's hand?

I think it totally depends on the Dad. Kim's dad? Definitely. If I had asked my previous girlfriend to marry me, I wouldn't have asked her dad. He was a hippie (which I liked) but I had very little respect for him because of he was a douchebag. If I had asked him, he wouldn't have appreciated it since he was all hippie-ish and those traditional gender roles were just "the man's" way of suppressing women.

He did do something that (in hindsight) was a really neat idea. When I showed up at the house for our first date, I noticed wooden stakes in 5-foot spacing along the driveway marked 5, 10, 15, 20, all the way down the driveway to the last one marked 55. The dad answered the door, I introduced myself, and I asked, "getting ready to re-pave?" He said "Nope, just set up for the boyfriend toss."

Point taken, hippie man. Point taken.

I think it represents two things:

1) Your relationship with her family. In my case, I know my partner's parents very well, so I wouldn't be at all worried, although her father is a tough guy to converse with, so I'd be more worried about the awkwardness of being alone with him long enough to ask.

2) As a father, you'd be dumb to say "no" and let it be known, because that'd just drive your daughter even more wild for her man, parents blessing or not.

PHeller wrote: 1) Your relationship with her family. In my case, I know my partner's parents very well, so I wouldn't be at all worried, although her father is a tough guy to converse with, so I'd be more worried about the awkwardness of being alone with him long enough to ask.

I think this is a huge part of it, but not due to awkwardness. I know with how I think of respect and integrity, that if I ever had a daughter, she'd probably end up daddy's princess, and it'd be a pretty big deal in my mind to ask.

I'd want a daughter to date a man that had enough courage and backbone to ask, whether he thought I'd respect it or not. If I ever do something stupid like get married, I'd ask, even if the father hated me.

vwcorvette wrote:

It's not about a dowry and it has nothing to do with feminism. It courteous, it's respectful and like I said before, it's the right thing to do. It sets the stage for a more peaceful relationship with the family.

Historically, it's based on a business transaction. Nothing more, nothing less. Just cause folks seem to romanticize it now won't change that. And, it's demeaning to women. And, if she's an adult it's HER decision. I'd never let that come between me and a future family member.

Very true, my fiancee's parents would have totally said yes, it would not have even been awkward. I didn't do it and she didn't want me to because of the sexist ideas that it is based upon and represents to this day...whether you admit it to yourself or not.

I never understood why there so much anxiety when asking the dad? I had a wonderful relationship with my FIL to be when I was dating my future wife. Asking him if I had his blessing was really just a formality...one of those "it wasn't really a question, more of an announcement" kinda moments.

But hes not one of those chest puffing asses who get kicks from pushing peoples buttons either. I figure that if a guy doesn't know the in laws to be well enough that the thought of having a frank conversation with em puts him in the back of an ambulance...weeeeell Im thinking that conversation probably had no business having occurred in the first place...that and the kids got no stones.

My FIL demanded 12 grandchildren the day I met him.

I asked my FIL, but only as a matter of courtesy. Frankly, I would have proposed to my wife regardless of what he said, and I'm sure my wife would have accepted (at least I hope...) too. Like Duke said, I'm marrying her, not him. I'm glad he approved, but it wouldn't have changed anything anyway. Not that I don't like him, he's a great guy. When I asked him, his response to me was "Why are you asking me, you should be asking her."

I've now got one daughter, now 5 years old. Honestly, I don't think my opinion has changed. I want the best for my daughter and will do everything in my power to make sure she has it. My job is to teach her to make smart and responsible choices. I'm not going to chose her husband for her.