STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page.

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

An old prospector shuffled into town (EL INDIO, TEXAS) leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance , -- just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands. The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all:

Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.

True or FalseCan you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop - even your heart!

6. Only 7 percent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true.... Now go back and think about No. 16

I'm pretty sure I've eaten a spider while awake. There's just so darn many of them.

Two snares and a cymbal fall down a canyon.

A police patrol car parked outside a local neighborhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few meters, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

In reply to Toyman01:

Not all of them are true.

While fishing off the Australia coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any crocs around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the crocs?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

What is the difference between jam and jelly ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cySX4ybdoYo

Karl La Follette wrote: Some lame ass E36 M3

Might be funny to you but it is hardly appropriate here.

Edit: Thank you.

Karl La Follette wrote: What is the difference between jam and jelly ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cySX4ybdoYo

I don't get it.

The part I was responding to has been deleted.

Alright, so I don't want to kill off the joke thread, so here goes:

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error...

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister of many years who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Top Gear - Season 8 Episode 7

Voiceover: We had to start bleeding the brakes - which, it turns out, is a minefield of double entendre.

Jeremy: The nipple is off. The tube is in the hole. Oh, we’ll be needing some pump.

James: You should feel it go stiff now.

Jeremy: Pump, man, pump! Braking happening?

Richard: Oh, yeah, that’s much better. That’s hard.

Men on Marriage:

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.. - Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' - Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' - Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' - James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... - Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' - Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' - Anonymous

My wife is now happily married.....to someone else. - Mark O

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. - Johnny Carson

The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!

In response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied,

12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons, Half of Mexico and 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate and 1 in the White House.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

In reply to 914Driver:

You need to switch to the Short Form:

"How much money do you have? Send it to us."

This is my neighbor ....

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!

If your neighbor is walking around like that today I would have thought her cheeks would have been a bit redder.

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the Almighty Power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and they release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.

"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens..

Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one , a (dumb) blonde, is strapped in and says,

"Well, I just graduated from Texas A&M University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'll right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.

In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at Port Macquarie in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

Don't quit your day job shaving kangaroos or whatever.

Toyman01 wrote: True or FalseCan you guess which of the following are true and which are false? 5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop - even your heart! They are all true....

Sorry bub, this one has been proven wrong about a zillion times.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself in his Dress Blues at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of voluptuous young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be in a very serious mood.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955!? Come with me." She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!!"

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

I guess there are occasionally advantages to using "Military Time"!!!

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks.

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks.

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? -

Follow the captain.

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he

knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.

That's more than can be said for his ship.

I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and

ready to go down.

The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down

in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

The minds of Engineers:

So 2 engineers are taking a break at work when one of them says, "Wow I had an interesting weekend!"*

The other one asks what happened. The first engineer explains, "Well I was walking my dog on Saturday when a beautiful young girl on a bike rides up to me, stops, gets off the bike, strips down naked and says, 'You can doing anything you want to me. You can have all of this.'"

The second guy asks, "What did you do?"

The first engineer say, "Well I took the bike. What would you have done?"

The second engineer says, "I would of taken the bike too. Her clothes wouldn't of fit."