Joke of the day

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little s..., O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed, and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a huge permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, A company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses

This guy is cruisin through the country in his brand new twin turbo Porsche 911 when he notices his gas is running low. So he pulls into the next gas station.

Gas attendant asks him "What can I do for you sir?"

"Fill ‘er up with high octane," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a twin turbo Porsche 911. It's one of the fastest cars in the world."

"Wow! What it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power mirrors, Bose 100 watt per channel 8 speaker stereo system with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk, air cooled disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, and best of all, a rear driven flat-6 3.6 ltr engine that'l do 190 mph and 0 to 60 in 4 seconds flat."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that’s really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That’ll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That’s what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "those Porsche people think of everything!"

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men... are men.

A Frenchman, an Englishman , and a New Yorker are captured by a fierce tribe. The chief approaches them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and laughs, "So much for your canoe!"

That's pretty funny ^

. A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in

His mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.



Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right

Behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I going to release the snake

Without getting bit?

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey

In its mouth.

The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake

With two more frogs in its mouth.

Life is good in the South.

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I'm too young to die,” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?” For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers in her ear:

“Iron this...then get me a beer.”

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

If you start with a large cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top, then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why? Because in their minds... that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how Congress OPERATES ...... and this is why, from time to time, all of monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

Young American Indian boy asks his dad, 'How do we get our names?'.

His dad replies, 'When we are born, the father steps outside and the first animal he sees is what the child is named after. When your brother was born, I stepped outside and saw an eagle, so he is named Soaring Eagle.'

'When your sister was born, I stepped outside and saw a deer running through the forest. So I named her Running Deer.'

'Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?'

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well , Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So , he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, " Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal , shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's , "Shhh. They're getting closer...."

I apologize for these.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?

Because if they live by the bay, they would be baygulls

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary and those who don't.

Why is the math book so sad?

It had so many problems

Why did the chicken coupe have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

In Heaven:

1. The cooks are French,
2. The policemen are English,
3. The mechanics are German,
4. The lovers are Italian,
5. The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

1. The cooks are English,
2. The policemen are German,
3. The mechanics are French,
4. The lovers are Swiss,
5. The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:

1. The management is from Intel,
2. The design and construction is done by Apple,
3. The marketing is done by Microsoft,
4. IBM provides the support,
5. Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

1. The management is from Apple,
2. Microsoft does design and construction,
3. IBM handles the marketing,
4. The support is from Gateway,
5. Intel sets the price.

Argon walks in to the bar. Bartender says we don't serve noble gases here. Argon doesn't react.

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None that is a hardware problem.

An optimist thinks the glass is half full. The pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. The engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. The politician thinks the glass would be fuller if it wasn't for the opposite party. The surrealist thinks the glass is a fish. The physicist thinks you can never know how much water is in the glass because just by measuring it you have changed the outcome.

Decartes was drinking some beer in a bar and the bartender says would you like another and Decartes says "I think not" and poof disappears.

A kid walks up to his dad and asks is god a man or a women? His dad says "God is both". The kid asks "is god black or white?" The dad says "God is both" Kid asks "is god Micheal Jackson?"

What did the pirate say when he got a steering wheel stuck down his pants?

Arrrr, it's driving me nuts.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

Because they can spend years at sea.

What do politicians and sperm have in common?

One in every 5 or 6 million have a chance of becoming a human.

One atom says to the other. Holy E36 M3 I just lost an electron. The other atoms says are sure. The first atom says yes I am positive.

Two fish are in a tank. One fish say to the other. Do you know how to drive this thing.

Not sure if it's already been posted, but the one about fish in a tank reminded me of this:

Two muffins were in an oven.

The first one turns to the other and says, "Getting hot in here, ain't it?"

The second one goes, "HOLY SH!T, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

A small family moves into a new neighborhood.

The son is sitting inside, bored because he hasn't made any friends. The dad tells him, "Son, why not go talk to those guys at the construction site down the street? You like hammers and tractors and stuff..."

So the kid goes and talks to the guys. Ends up hanging out with 'em all day long.

Comes home and the father asks him about his day. "Oh Dad, it was berkeleying AWESOME! They're..." His father cuts him off, "SON! We do NOT talk like that it this house! Now go get me a switch!"

To which the son replies, "Berkeley you, dad, that's the electrician's job!"

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Have you ever wondered what the difference between

Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week,

always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter

out for a drive in the car for some bonding time ..............

just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold

and really didn't feel like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that

she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs

to see her Grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, Granddad' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

We didn't see a single arsehole, blind bastard,

dip E36 M3 or wanker anywhere we went today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription".

PROUD PAPA

The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Ohio. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a 10 hour drive."

"Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington."

"Honey," Dad complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington; I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there."

So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom.

Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers,"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States."

The Senator whispers back, "You bet I do."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother played football at Ohio State."

A group of military men are out camping and sitting together around a camp fire sharing stories of their exploits.

The Marine brags to his friends about being a badass and all of the firefights he's taken part in.

The Navy sailor talks about the incredible warships he's sailed on.

The Air Force officer talks about the missions he's flown air support for in all kinds of exciting missions.

One man sits quietly: the Navy Seal. He just sits and listens to all the stories while slowly stirring the coals of the fire with the end of his penis.

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the opossum that it is possible.