In reply to CJ (FS) :
Quite popular with the Irish also.
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays, but in medieval times people were called Lance a lot.
Did you know that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just one alloy? What a steel!
What is brown and rhymes with snoop
Dr. Dre
Obligatory Pirate Joke:
A pirate walks into a bar (see, I just hit both the "pirate" and "walks into a bar" check boxes in one short sentence!). The bartender looks up and asks, "why do you have a ships wheel on your pants"? The pirate replies, "arr, it's drivin' me nuts"!
Data Analyst Humor:
If it can't be expressed in an equation it's just an opinion. (Ok, maybe this one is true)
Being a data analyst is like riding a bike. Only the bike is on fire, you're on fire, and you're in hell. (My boss sent this one to me shortly before she quit. Coincidence?)
StilettoSS said:Obligatory Pirate Joke:
A pirate walks into a bar (see, I just hit both the "pirate" and "walks into a bar" check boxes in one short sentence!). The bartender looks up and asks, "why do you have a ships wheel on your pants"? The pirate replies, "arr, it's drivin' me nuts"!
I have no idea if this has been posted, not digging through 65 pages. My brother told me this joke 20+ years ago.
"A fish is swimming in a river when it sees a fly above. The fish thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches I could jump up and have some lunch."
Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish and the fly and thinks to itself "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water and I can stick my paw out, catch the fish, and I could have some lunch."
Up a ways on an elevated bluff sits a hunter. This hunter sees the fly, the fish, and the bear and thinks to himself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving me a clear shot, and I could have some lunch"
In the bushes next to the hunter sits a field mouse. The mouse sees the fly, the fish, the bear, and the hunter and thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving that hunter a clear shot, at which point he'll drop his sandwich, and I could have some lunch"
Well up just a bit higher from the hunter and a mouse sits a mountain lion. Now the mountain lion sees the fly, the fish, the bear, the hunter, and the mouse and thinks to itself, "If that fly would only drop six inches, that fish will jump out of the water, that bear will stick it's paw out to catch the fish giving that hunter a clear shot, at which point he'll drop his sandwich and the mouse will jump out the bushes allowing me to pounce on it, and I could have some lunch"
Sure enough the fly drops six inches at which point the fish jumps up to catch the fly, the bear steps forward to catch the fish, the hunter drops his sandwich to shoot the bear, the mouse jumps out of the bushes to eat the sandwich, and the mountain lion jumps off its perch to eat the mouse. Except the mountain lion misses and goes tumbling down the hill into the river.
The moral of this story is: Every time a fly drops six inches a Bob Costas is bound to get wet."
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
Take away their little brooms.
Do you know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
I like to tell Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What's the difference between Betty White and Paul Walker?
Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.
A Winter Olympics themed joke: How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling?
Take away it's tiny broom.
A farmer drove to a neighbour's & knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went with Dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, He went
with Mum & Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to
borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about
your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the
bull & £50 for the dog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The following is about Covid and not intended as political. If you read it I can find lines poking at both sides in here. If it's deemed political I will take it down, but It's honestly not intended that way.
In reply to Adrian_Thompson (Forum Supporter) :
Well, as a joke it kind of sucks.
Other than that, meh. Everything is apparently political now.
So not really joke but kind of funny. I don't align with this guy selling this. The part that made me laugh was this:
"Delivery possible. Easily pulled by single wheel built ford tough pickup or a Dodge dually with a stack of helper springs. If you own a chevy this camper probably isn’t for you. Dry weight is roughly 14,200"
You can swap the brands for your individual choosing.
A frog decides to visit a fortune teller to find out if he'll ever find his princess. The fortune teller reads his palm and after a few brief moments of contemplation, begins her reading. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" The frog, anxious for the possibility of true love, chooses the good news first. "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl," the fortune-teller says. "She's going to be very interested in you and will know everything there is to know about you. You'll open up to her and give her your heart." Pleased, the frog then cautiously asks for the so-called bad news. To this, the fortune teller replies, "You'll meet her in a Biology class."
A man comes home from work early one day. His wife was surprised to see him.
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: I'm embarrassed to admit it but I got fired today for putting my... well, my 'manhood' in the pickle slicer.
The wife is stunned! She says Are you crazy? You could have been hurt? Oh my gosh! What did they do with the pickle slicer after you did that?
Husband, oh... they fired her too...
Pretty sure this is a repeat but I laugh every time I come across it.
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Charleston and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Charleston. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is about 3000 pounds and a zippo is a little lighter.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular...
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