The IRS sends their auditor to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”
“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi, what
about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi.
“What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”
“To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
And soon there will be another 87,000 of them..
In reply to 914Driver :
Not only hilarious but true!!
Well done.
+1
Now for the joke:
A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, you are going to get screwed."...
A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I love Brad Pitt, and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically’?”
The boy replied, "Yes, ‘potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.
A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”
The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”
The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”
The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
What's the difference between a doctor and a mechanic?
A doctor buries their mistakes, a mechanic pushes theirs back inside and tries again.
An American couple are driving through Canada and stop at a gas station to fuel up.
As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “ask them where we are!”
So the husband walks in, pays and asks, “by the way, where are we?” To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “where are we?”
“He doesn't speak English" replies the husband.
Ashyukun (Robert) said:
Not quite the same thing, but this was my favorite pagenmas present this, oops, last year. It's now on my desk at work.
EDIT. Doh, when I was mindlessly scrolling I thought this was the hotlink thread. Guess I'll leave the pics here and double post there as well!
Adrian_Thompson (Forum Supporter) said:EDIT. Doh, when I was mindlessly scrolling I thought this was the hotlink thread. Guess I'll leave the pics here and double post there as well!
The joke is on you. 
I remember Johnny Carson had a dog on his show that actually talked! The owner said yeah, he had a tumor in his throat surgically removed and I don't know, something got cut and it loosened up a muscle or something and now he has the ability to speak. Dog was quite entertaining as a guest !!
A few years later Carson called the owner of the dog and asked them to come back they were such a hit.
BAH says the owner "I put him down."
What says Carson. WTHell for?
"All he ever talked about was his damn operation!!"
The beauty of their women, and the taste of their food, made the English the greatest sailors in the world.
An Irishman, an Englishman and Julia Roberts were sitting together in a carriage in a train:
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face, as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking.
“The Irish fella must have kissed Julia and she missed him and slapped me instead.”
Julia Robert was thinking.
“The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.”
And the Irishman was thinking..
“This is feckin great to be sure. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English fecker again.”
Punk'd.
True story.
My friend we'll call Elmer to protect the innocent, has a immune system deficiency which requires him to go to the hospital once a month for an infusion. He sits in the big chair while an IV pumps in fluid which really kicks his butt for the next 24-36 hours. Recently his medication was changed and he does it at home, they mail the medication and a visiting nurse performs the task.
Last week he got a call at work from his upstairs neighbor: "Hey Elmer, got a box on the porch says Medical Supplies - Keep Refrigerated and it won't fit in your refrigerator".
OK, put it in your fridge or the one in the garage and I'll get it after work, but DON'T open it!
"What's in it?" neighbor asks.
Elmer told me he doesn't know where this came from, it certainly never passed through his brain, but his mouth was saying It's a human head.
"What?"
I'm at work, will talk to you tomorrow.
Next morning as scheduled the visiting nurse showed up. As he was setting up the IV, Elmer told him about the neighbor, they both got a giggle out of it. They heard the neighbor tromping down the stairs, he comes down to walk Elmer's dog as Elmer can't walk far or fast. Neighbor knocks and walks in staring at the box on the coffee table. They say their hellos and the nurse winks and says to no one "OMG, the advances they've made recently in embryonic and stem cell research has given mountains of valuable information. Did you know that extracting enzymes from the human brain can increase immune performance? He prattled on using some Latin never heard anywhere in the world, "and don't get me started on the Medulla Oblongata!"
The neighbor wasn't staring at the box, but at the door.
The nurse continued: "Well, at least now they tape or staple the eyes shut, at one time before that, they randomly blinked independent of one another". Neighbor says That's creepy.
"Aw that's nothing, now they cut it off the cadaver near the larynx, in the beginning you got some of the chest cavity, sometimes when you lift it out of the box the tubes fill with air and the head moaned or farted at you".
The neighbor grabbed the dog and took the door.
Someday Elmer will tell him that he was pranked.
But not today....
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the E36 M3 out of their dogs.
And the prank goes on.
I picked up some wheels & tires at "Elmer's" shop today. I asked if he ever told the neighbor about the joke.
"No. Someone told me about a Japanese game show where they have people do things on camera, it's got subtitles. I heard the neighbor tromping down the stairs to take the dog out so I raised the volume a bit and clicked off the CC subtitles. Neighbor walks in and gie me a look. "Yeah, I don't get it either, since that infusion I now understand Japanese. I can't speak it, but I get it."
Neighbor is dumbfounded, Yeah, I've heard about weird stuff after a coma and all.
Elmer says "The head was Asian".
I've got 2 jokes for you this morning. Same joke but one version is just darker than the other.
Did you know Bert from Sesame Street owned two businesses? His main business was a crematorium. His side business was selling fancy containers for the ashes. It was called Bert and Urnies.
Dark version.
Did you hear Ernie from Sesame Street died? They're going to keep Ernie on the show though. The segment will now be called Bert and Urnie.
NickD said:Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the E36 M3 out of their dogs.
I read once that specificity makes a joke funnier. This exact joke was used as an example. The comedian's suggestion:
"Have you ever heard a German shepherd scream?"
One of my pigs lost its voice.
Now it's all disgruntled.
What's the heaviest thing in the world ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Crap.
Not even an elephant can hold it for very long.
1. Which letter is silent in"Scent"?
2. Do Twins ever realize that one of them is not planned?
3. The word swims, upside down still swims.
4. As I get older, I realize that pleasing everyone is not possible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!
5. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas!
6. I put my bathroom scale way off in the corner and that's where that little liar is going to stay until it apologizes.
7. (finally)
hard to believe I once had a telephone attached to a wall in my house. When it rang I answered it without knowing who is on the other end.
You'll need to log in to post.
