Joke of the day

Male/ Female Dictionary

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car’s hood. Male......The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male......Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male.......Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.......Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male......Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male...... Source of entertainment, self-statement, and male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.......Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minute

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Pilot: Pilot to tower...pilot to tower...I am 300 miles from land...600 feet high and running out of Fuel..please instruct...over.

Tower: Tower to pilot...tower to pilot...Repeat after me..."Our Father, which art in heaven..."

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

Resurrection......

An Old Fart Rant:

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play...all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside...you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

    The game warden asked the man, May I see your fishing

license please?

 Naw, sir replied the redneck. I don't need none of

them there papers. These here are my pet fish.

   Pet fish??

 Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down

to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home.

What a line of horse sh-t....you're under arrest.

    The redneck said, It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man.

I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!

   WE do, now, do WE? smirked the warden. PROVE it!

    The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood

and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, Well?

   Well, WHUT? said the redneck.

    The warden asked, When are you going to call them

back?

    Call who back?

  The FISH replied the warden!

   Whut fish? asked the redneck.

    MORAL OF THE STORY:

    We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we

ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    You can say what you want about the South, but you never

hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

An old lady walks into an ice cream parlor. The young man behind the counter waits on her and says “how can I help you ma’am?” “I’d like a scoop of chocolate”, she says. He walks over to the cooler with his scoop, looks down at where the chocolate should be and notices that he’s all out. “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, ma’am, but we’re all out of chocolate…may I get you something else?” She thinks it over for a moment and says “well in that case young man, I’ll have a scoop of chocolate”. He’s puzzled by this, but in an effort to appease the lady, he goes in the back freezer to see if he has any chocolate. He does not. “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but I have double-checked for you—I really don’t have any chocolate today. May I get you something else?” She pauses a moment to reflect on her choices, and says “I understand, young man…in that case, I’ll take a scoop of chocolate and be on my way.” The young man is a little irritated now, but instead of losing his temper, he excuses himself and runs next-door to the convenience store—perhaps they have some ice cream that he could buy, in order to help out the old lady and her wishes. As luck would have it, they do not. “I’m so sorry, ma’am…really I am, I even checked next-door for you…there just is no chocolate today…may I get you something else?” The old lady very matter-of-factly says, “well, son, I appreciate your effort. I would settle for a scoop of chocolate and then I will be on my way.” Now the young man is pretty upset. “Ma’am, let me make this easy for you…can you spell the VAN in vanilla?” She’s puzzled…be sheepishly says “V-A-N”. “Correct!”, he barks back…”now spell the STRAW in strawberry!” “S-T-R-A-W”, she says. “Absolutely correct!!!,: he exclaims. “Now, ma’am, if you will, could you spell the FOCK in chocolate?”. Befuddled, she says, “but son, there is no FOCK in chocolate.” “That’s right—there is no fockin’ chocolate!!!”

Oh man, i love this thread, some great jokes.

My 12 year old brother told me this one the other day..

"why can't women ski?" "because there's no snow between the kitchen and bedroom"

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

Billy the third grader was just zipping up as Mr Jones the music teacher came in. Billy headed for the door, so Mr Jones asked, "Didn't your mother teach you to wash your hands after you pee?"

"No," Billy replied, "she taught me not to pee on my hands."

A man hurries into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. He quickly knocks each one back in rapid succession, and asks the bartender to fill them up again. The bartender barely gets the first on full before the man is sucking it down, followed closely by the next two. He breathlessly asks for yet another round, and again drinks them in rapid succession and asks for a refill.

The bartender hesitates, shocked at the speed at which this man is consuming whiskey, so he asks "what's the rush young man?"

The man replies: "You'd be drinking this fast too, if you had what I have!"

The bartender apologetically asks "what do you have son?"

The man reaches into his pocket and extends a handful of change. "About 68-cents."

Q: How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: No one knows, they all scurry away when it comes on.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one, but it has to really WANT to change.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

--None, there's a machine for that now

How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

--Seven; One to do it, and six to stand around saying "Psh, I can do that".

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

--No one knows, nobody can find one.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

--Purple!

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

--He was eating pizza way before it was cool.

Q: How many Jew does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A lightbulb cannot be changed, it either is or isn't. Do you mean replace a burned-out bulb with a new one? With design, logistics, manufacturing, marketing of just that single bulb- there are many people involved. It could be argued that we all play some small part in the process.

......................

A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired" Everyone laughed. The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.

...........................

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

........................

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?".

Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!".

If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

another little Johnny joke:

little Johnny's teacher liked to tease them buy telling them they could be excused from school for a day if any of them could answer the question she would ask each Fri

so the first Fri she asked ... "how many stars in the Milky Way ?" ... little Johnny almost cried ..he wanted the day off so badly

the next Fri she asked " how many grains of sand in the Sahara desert ? " ...little Johnny sat there stunned ....

all weekend he studied on how to beat the teacher... finally he went to his Daddy's shop and took a couple of golf balls and painted the black

the next Fri the teacher stood up and announced that it was time for this weeks question

little Johnny took the two golf balls and rolled the towards the front of the class

the teacher stopped, looked at them, and then said " ok, who's the comedian with the black balls ?"

little Johnny jumped up and called out " Richard Pryor " ... see ya Tue

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, ... ... your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes-------------------------------------Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------------U Gogh

His magician uncle ------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -------------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -----------------Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking --------------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ----------------------------------------- Go Gogh

His niece who travels the country in an RV ------Winnie Bay Gogh

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

heard from an airline worker:

We're not happy until you're not happy!

Woman gets out of the shower all wet, sits on the toilet.

Some knd of suction keeps her from getting up, she calls Hubby.

What to do? Call 911 she says!

He calls the Fire Department, they show up, " I can't be seen like this, cover me!

He tosses her a big hat which she puts over her lap.

Firemen check it out, they're professionals.

Head Fireman takes the husband into the hallway and tells him the news:

"Sir, I'm pretty sure we can help your wife, but I gotta tell you up front buddy.

That Cowboy's a GONNER".

A guy goes into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what collateral he has, and he says, “I have a Rolls Royce. Here are the keys — you can keep it until the loan is paid off.”

Six months later the guy comes back and pays off the $200 loan, plus $10 interest. The loan officer says, “Here are the keys. If you don’t mind my asking, why would a man who owns a Rolls Royce need to borrow $200?”

The guy says, “I had to go overseas for six months. Where else could I store a Rolls Royce for $10?”

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

another state trooper story....

Tennessee Trooper Tale

Two men were driving through Tennessee when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in TN, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in TN, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from California and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you big city types," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that shiny happy person would've tried that E36 M3 with me! '"