kids

I just gotta vent. I just got back from taking my three year old to toys r us because I wanted to get him a doug and mellissa puzzle because he really likes the one he already has. The entire time he ran around the store and screamed like a wild banchee. He is currently in the other room screaming his head off because he is in time out. I'm exhausted from trying to keep up with him all day, and frustrated to say the least. Why does parenting have to be so frickin hard? I love my little boy but with his awesome outgoing personality also comes a loud child that has little to no regard for following the rules. At least he came by it honestly. /end rant

Why do people with kids constantly tell people without kids, they need start making some post haste!?

I was asked that question yet again at work today when someone's wife stopped by with their twins.

Well, he's three, and as you know, "reasoning" with him is a comination of an art form, magic--black and white--and luck. And better to rant here than do the smack around thing... He's tiring himself out, it will quiet down. What often works is deal making. Not the easiest to do at that age, but, "the quiet game" , "do this for that" and, as far as the store, make a deal ahead of time, and stick to it. "If you run around and yell, we're leaving." If you stick to what you say, don't ben (I know, hard to do) he'll understand that you mean what you say, and there are consequences.

A year older, and the barganing/deal making is much easier.

Regardless, kids crave consistency--if if they don't know it. So, if he starts acting up when you go into the store, and you said you'd leave, turn around and leave. Kids are smarter than they let on.

Buy more aspirin! In 3 years, which will fly by, you'll be missing you little guy.

If you are on the edge, I mean really ready to let him have it to the point you know you'll regret, call someone. Anyone. It's better than the alternative.

I don't know. I think they just want someone else to share in their misery!

I love my little man and I kinda feel bad now for ever having posted that. Things are calmed down now that we're home. I let him out of time out and explained to him why he was in time out again. I also told him he needs to be a good boy for daddy when we go places. (he speaks really well for his age so he did understand the point I was getting across) His response was this: "Daddy, I'm sorry. I want to be a good boy like you."

All is well now.

I often do the "you can do this or play this game if you will (for example) go potty for daddy first". Seems to work. He understands pretty well. He's just a free spirit like me.

Consistency is hard around here because his mom watches him during the day and me at night. He's getting older and things will get easier. I often end up being the "mean" parent. Even though it's just cause I don't give in to him.

Good. Don't feel bad for posting: you got that frustration out. THAT"S a really good thing. And he may have picked up on your frustration a bit, the little sponges they are, and realized this was serious stuff....

You guys talked, reasoned, and your house is quiet now. Good outcome. Remind him of this the next time a similar situation comes up. May jog his brain a bit. Having the good verbalization abilities is a BIG plus. A friend's got a 4 year old who does NOT want to talk at all...that's added to all kinds of problems.

TuffWork wrote: I often do the "you can do this or play this game if you will (for example) go potty for daddy first". Seems to work. He understands pretty well. He's just a free spirit like me. Consistency is hard around here because his mom watches him during the day and me at night. He's getting older and things will get easier. I often end up being the "mean" parent. Even though it's just cause I don't give in to him.

Someone's gotta say no or you'll have a monster on your hands. That 4 year old I referred to has the same parental situation. Don't fool yourself, kids know who will say yes, and who'll say no BEFORE doing or asking anything.

Does letting a kid scream around a store constitute "parenting"?

Does rewarding that behavior with a toy seem logical?

Does reasoning with a 3 year old make sense???

You make the rules. You enforce them.

Bargaining is a slippery slope, and more often than not, leads to a sense of entitlement. Do you really want a 10 year old who won't take out the trash without some sort of reward? Let the natural consequences and rewards do their thing rather than bargaining and rewarding.

Example; I take my 3 year old to the store. He decides to run around instead of listening, so I give him two choices, he can ride in a cart or we can leave. End of discussion. No mention of him being able to continue to walk on his own, because he is having a hard time coping with his surroundings, and no mention of what may or may not happen based on his choice (get xyz by choosing to ride in the cart, or get nothing by choosing to go home). If he needs help making his choice we talk about his feelings and if he is still having trouble, we leave and come back another day.

Overall, though, your experience is age-appropriate for 3-4 year olds. It sucks, but they have little to no impulse control and just enough reasoning ability to drive you bananas.

In response to Gamby:

Reasoning with him does make sense because he responds to it. I did get the toy but he's not gonna play with it for a while because I'm not trying to reward his behavior, and I didn't "let" him do anything. He misbehaved and he knew it and was punished appropriately. That doesn't make it any less frustrating. I've found it's alot easier to be a crappy parent than a good one. I don't plan on being a crappy parent.

As far as behave or leave. That's the approach I used. Up until that point we were having a good time looking at the toys. Then when he started acting up we left.

I usually don't reward good behavior. It's expected. If he asks to do something he usually has to earn it. Thus, if you wanna play this you need to do this for daddy first.

Re reading my OP I see it was a bit of an exaggeration. I was definitely a little flustered.

I realize it's not PC but spankings worked pretty darn good on me and my brothers........

I just had the very fun experience of clipping my 3yo'ds nails, frustration just begins to describe it.

wbjones wrote: I realize it's not PC but spankings worked pretty darn good on me and my brothers........

Yeah, my mom would threaten out lives through gritted teeth if we acted up in a store. lol

Tantrums were never an option. I was told I threw one--once.

A very good friend of mine always talked to his son as if he was a short adult, even when he was a two year old (he's 27 now). That impressed me, even way before I became a dad. So when my daughter was born I figured I'd give it a shot. Even when she was a little bitty two year old, if she was out of line I would tell her she was and point out why. Maybe he and I both just got lucky, but it works. She's not perfect (no kid is) but on the big things she does as she should.

I think it builds respect between parent and child and that's way more effective than toys or whatever.

Duct tape is your friend.

+1 on the duct tape. It can work wonders.

1: Spankings

2: Do something wild if you want a temper tantrum to end for some reason. Let's say you're in your house, had enough, going to kill someone and the kid is kicking and screaming because you won't give him a jelly bean. Put a pot on your head and dance around singing the safety dance. Seriously. It works way better than you'd expect, and the kid ends up laughing and happy and not remembering why he was ticked off. Sometimes you need to let the kid stew, and sometimes you need him to stop. My oldest is 2.6 and reaching that same age.

gamby wrote:

wbjones wrote: I realize it's not PC but spankings worked pretty darn good on me and my brothers........

Yeah, my mom would threaten out lives through gritted teeth if we acted up in a store. lol Tantrums were never an option. I was told I threw one--once.

I think I was only spanked 2-3 times in my entire life. Once at about 10-11 years old, I thought it would be a good idea to cuss out the neighbor kid when he made me mad.

My dad brough me inside and whooped me good. Couldnt' sit down the rest of the day.

Guess what? Didn't do it again.

After two sentences a three year old hears white air. My very educated tree hugging neighbors use soft voices and gentle touches to explain to their small child that climbing on the hood of a brand new cars is not a responsible thing to do in a civilized society and blah blah blah blah...

One terse, low octave HEY! and his litte head whips around and eyes are wide. You have his attention. "Get off the car!"

Done.

Tuff, you have an exccellent opportunity to fix all the things you may bitch about in life. Teach your young man manners, respect for others and property, teach him fow to function in a group. Believe me, and I can't stress this enough, there's nothing, nothing as rewarding as a total stranger waliking up and saying "You've done a good job with that boy."

Good Luck.

Dan

My wife cured our boys of misbehaving in stores by taking them home every time either of them acted up(and I do mean EVERY time). If they threw a tantrum it was off to their room. Never, ever bargain with a child, it just teaches them to be better negotiators and get what they want, not what you want.

To be able to control your kids, even a 2-3 year old, they have to realize there are consequences to negative actions.

Spankings is one way, the LOUD voice is another, but the LOUD voice isn't good enough if there aren't consequences.

I had 3 kids and they all required different techniques. On one spankings did nothing, on another just the threat of a spanking stopped the worst of actions.

One you could take away things and it would work, with one the embarrasment of being caught or chastised was the only thing that worked. Regardless of what you find to work you need to make it work early in their life.

If they learn this lesson early enough you'll have much less troubles as they get older.

As Fonzie told Richie Cunningham about why he could calm the waters with just a threat of a fight is "First you have to have hit someone." The terrible 2's is the ideal time to establish dominance.

And yes, you don't negotiate. You are the parent and your word is law. That doesn't mean you can't change your mind when you find out some circumstances you didn't know, but you want to be seen as fair, not soft. They will manipulate you if they can and trust me they can!

carguy123 wrote: +1 on the duct tape. It can work wonders.

It only works for a while. It didn't take very long until my kids were busting out of their duct tape cocoons and cutting loose with a vociferous yawp. Newly invigorated with their successful escape, they set out on a campaign of havoc that would have made Tyler Durden proud.

Seriously.

They will retaliate while you are sleeping! You won't even hear the tell-tale ERRRRRRRCCCCCKK of the duct tape until it is far too late.

Why do you think I'm bald?

I have a "bark" that let's the boys know I am very serious. It comes out once in a while, I make sure to only use it as a "last option" because I don't want them to become immune to it. My father would whistle and all of the kids would be front and center.

Just remember sometimes you need to let the kid cry it out. Life is hard for those people... ;)

On negotiating:

From the movie "Air Force One" with Harrison Ford as the Prez - "If you give a mouse a cookie, he's gonna want a glass of milk too !"

My father was a firm believer in "Belt 'em in the car & they'll be safe in the store" or something like that...