LERN ME: Dealing With Toxic Family Edition

In reply to Tony Sestito :

I really hope it does go well. And if things do get weird or bad, politely taking your leave is a completely respectable thing to do.

Tony Sestito said:

After talking with the wife last night, she is happy with how I handled things this week. She isn't really mad AT me, more like she's mad FOR me, if that makes any sense. She doesn't like to see me get pushed around by them, and standing up for myself is the right thing to do.

Hopefully things go well when we go over there this time. It usually does when the most toxic element is not present.

That makes perfect sense. 

It's how I get with my girlfriend because she's not assertive when it comes to her work stuff and bosses and kind of lets herself get pushed around because she doesn't want to be seen as a problem.

In reply to z31maniac :

I have that same problem with mine. She was so used to being a doormat with her ex for so many years that she has a very hard time pushing herself out there. She's absolutely killer at her job but people continually try and berkeley her or just suck and she keeps cleaning it up. I tell her she needs to knock that E36 M3 off and let them eat it for once, but she keeps doing it. It's a process. 

In reply to Tony Sestito :

You mentioned that your parents are different when your sister is not there.  Can you invite your parents to your house sometime that your sister is not around? You know, so they don't get lonely in the empty house... Nephews too, if they are around.

1. Change of location can help reduce hostility as it reduces triggers and takes them out of the place where the problems originate and where everything around them is a reminder of drama/trauma.

2. It has them visit you, and your wife, in your house. This can mentally hit a switch for them where you are suddenly less a kid, even if just for that visit. In your dad's house, your dad has to be the dad.  In your house, he can just be a man in a tough spot and talking(or not) with someone who understands.

Just having a visit with no drama may be a sigh of relief for you and for them.

In reply to matthewmcl (Forum Supporter) :

Those are both great points.

Wow, tons of good advise in here.  I echo MTNs entire post, he really nailed it.

Here is my add:  The nephews need to get out of that environment.  18 and 22 year old young men do not need to be living at home with their mothers.  My personal advise is to strongly suggest they enlist and GTFO of there.  Go see the world and learn how to be self sufficient.  Make a date to take them out for an afternoon and spend some time bonding with them.  If you have a military/former military friend, invite them as well and really work on making this happen.

It's too late for the older family members but you can help get the boys on a new path.

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) (Forum Supporter) :

The 22 year old was accepted into a new college this fall where he planned to live on campus, but that's up in the air due to the pandemic. But yeah, he's pumped to GTFO, whenever that is. He's a Psych major and hopes to one day have his own practice. So far, he's been nailing his grades and absolutely killing it. He told me that he wanted to figure out why our family is so messed up, so he bought a bunch of Psychology texts when he was still in High School to start figuring that out. That set him on the path he's on now. 

The 18 year old who just graduated doesn't plan on going to college. He's thinking about enlisting in the Air Force. He really wants to be an aircraft mechanic, and he's amazing with mechanical stuff. He's been wrenching since he was a little kid, and he has a side business fixing cars, lawn equipment and more. I was pushing for him to go to school to be a mechanical engineer, and I think that might be part of the plan in the future, especially if he enlists. That would be a great path for him.

I have no doubt that both of them will succeed. They are both incredibly smart kids and are motivated. I have no idea where any of that came from.

In reply to Tony Sestito :

Maybe your sisters ex husband was a smart guy... Smart enough to dump her, anyway.  Two sets of genes, man.

In reply to Streetwiseguy :

If you would believe it, he's even worse. Let's not get started on that.

In reply to Tony Sestito :

Well,...two negatives make a positive?