Marriage question--how do you handle Holidays?

I'd assume that everyone is basically on a similar wavelength about celebrating with extended families--Either alternate each Holiday each year, or if someone is really into Christmas and the other into Thanksgiving, you just always go to that one each year.

What would you do in a situation where one family doesn't do anything for a particular Holiday? The one in question is Easter. It comes up later in the year, "We went to your family for Easter; we're going to mine for _____". Her family doesn't do anything for Easter. Literally nothing. I don't think it should be included in the conversation. It shouldn't count as a point* for my family, right?

*Not that we're keeping score, just using this for lack of a better word.

EDIT: Yes, we're talking about this together. I was just curious to hear other opinions/ways of handling things.

It's not a bargaining point if there's nothing to bargain for. Unless you're seriously considering simply not going because it's an alternate year then it's just a freebie for one family and all other holiday's are in play elsewhere.
At least that's how I'd think about it.

I get what you're saying. For my wife and I, it actually kind of works out. My family, being immigrants, doesn't really do a whole lot for Thanksgiving. Her family has a gigantic gathering, and has invited mine on occasion. In trade...her family not being Chinese, they don't do Chinese New Year, which is super important to mine.

Neither extended family gets Christmas Day itself - we spend that day at home. My mom's birthday is about a week before, so we celebrate Christmas with my family the weekend before. We go up to SWMBO's family's the weekend after.

Before we settled into this routine, we had talked about a Thanksgiving/Christmas rotation but that didn't sit well with either extended family.

That was my opinion. Except we wouldn't consider not going, because we both legitimately really enjoy any time we have anything with my family.

If she brings it up I'm going to make sure that we go to her parents for Flag Day and have a celebration for that.

I should add that we are in a similar situation with Easter - my family doesn't do anything special, but hers...well, SWMBO's grand-dad is a fire and brimstone Southern Baptist preacher, so there's that. I haven't ever thought to use that as leverage to go visit my family, as frankly, both of us would rather dump the kids off and have a weekend to ourselves.

well, I can see it both ways. Just because her family does nothing for the holiday shouldn't mean you don't see them as much.

I don't think it's fair to use a holiday that the other family doesn't celebrate as leverage in any way.

It's not apples to apples.

If you alternate Christmas for example, Easter should have nothing to do with it.

Personally, since my wife came from a split family, holidays always brought conflict on who/when/where, etc. To make things a bit more settled, we decided to put our foot down on our own holiday tradition when it came to Christmas. Now that we have kids, we are home on Christmas night, and Christmas morning. Any family is welcome to come to our house if they want to be around the kids, but we're not choosing between people on that time frame or hauling all over the state trying to make people happy. If people want to get together outside of that time frame, we'll do our best to allocate our time evenly.

Maybe use Easter as a holiday for just you and your wife, away from both families.

The only holiday that we go back and forth on is Christmas.

then again, we are a day of travel away from both homes.

Still, you are a family- husband + wife. You need to start your own traditions at some point. When (or if) you add kids to that, it's even more important to be your own family.

One other thing- keeping score is bad. Keeping in mind if you bias one side over the other is fine, but score is bad.

Robbie wrote: well, I can see it both ways. Just because her family does nothing for the holiday shouldn't mean you don't see them as much.

I don't disagree--but we probably see her nuclear family more than mine, but my extended family a LOT more than hers. There is a reason for this. My family is really pretty awesome. We always have a good time with my family, it is always fun--even funerals are a pretty great party--and the food is always out of this world. Her family does Christmas and Grandma's birthday. They sit around and drink warm Busch heavy, and we're always struggling to remember who isn't talking to who and for what reason. There is very little talking. Unless my FIL puts his foot down and brings in Fried Chicken, the food is OK at best (wife's words, not mine). It is boring, and sometimes it is toxic (grandma and one aunt are MEAN to the point that my FIL now only comes to Christmas and BIL and he leave early, and cousin-in-law tried to leave them off his wedding invite list). I realize I'm biased in this opinion, but I don't think that she would disagree.

So I see her extended family about twice a year. She sees her extended family about 3 times a year. I ask if she wants to go to visit her grandma, she always looks at me like I'm crazy. I guess that part of our issue is that she is jealous.

FWIW, Christmas morning is always going to be just the two of us, and our kids whenever they come. Christmas Day could be at our house or a nearby relatives house, but that would have to be dinner only.

szeis4cookie wrote: grand-dad is a fire and brimstone Southern Baptist preacher, so there's that.

I love those kind of preachers. The word sin becomes three syllables long..... See-yin-aah

At some point it may be worthwhile to stop thinking in terms of your family and her family and start thinking in terms of the whole family your kids will be exposed to.

To kids a cousin is a cousin as a person, and the which side is like hair color, something that is there in the background.

When you think about it in those terms it's easier for the two of you to decide where you want to go. If one family is neglected as a result, particularly if they are toxic, then that would be a different conversation to have with them.

If you were dating and you each had friends throwing parties for the Superbowl would you alternate years and keep score or just go to the better party?

oldopelguy wrote: If you were dating and you each had friends throwing parties for the Superbowl would you alternate years and keep score or just go to the better party?

Go to the better party, without a doubt. But the Superbowl isn't important to us at all.

I feel like it should also be mentioned that she has a lot of close friends and family friends. I don't, and my family doesn't--we're friends with our family (and she is friends with everyone too).

Both my sisters are married and they are able to alternate holidays with their spouses, me on the other hand it is a bit more complicated, because they are a close family and the parents are divorced and one side is married and step kids. Thanksgiving and 4th of July are the biggest for her family. On thanksgiving I spend half the time with my family the other half with her family. Wife spends the whole day with her family thanksgiving because they do a big party. 4th July her family holds two parties, one on the beach and the other are one at the relatives house. My families party is usually at a family friends in the afternoon so we are able to attend both. 2015 holidays Christmas is a bit more challenging, because my family moved back and are now in town, so 2015 we visited all 3 parents on Christmas day. In addition to parties before and after. My parents like to do Easter, but her family isn't big on planning so sometimes they just spring things up. Hopefully this year they do nothing.

Bottom line is that I need a vacation after a vacation day. Best things I have done is plan a vacation (out of town) the day of holidays.

Christmas Eve is at my parents house and Christmas is with MRS. DX family. Thanksgiving is usually brunch during the day with my parents and Thanksgiving dinner with MRS. DX family. The other holidays get worked out accordingly. It's not too tough..

The judge decided this in the divorce.

My family is local, hers is on Staten Island (4 hours away), so that plays a part.

Some of it is easy:

Hanukkah with hers (if at a time when we can travel)
Christmas with mine (in the afternoon/evening)
Passover with hers (if at a time when we can travel)
Easter with mine

New Years, Memorial day, July 4th, Thanksgiving, Labor Day are all up for grabs.

It all depends on what days we have off, what the kids sports schedule is, school breaks, who invites us first, if any relatives are traveling from a great distance that we haven't seen recently, when we last visited, can they come to come to us, etc.

We don't keep score, and go with which one is the right choice for that year. We discuss it and come to an decision that we both agree on.

Some times we just stay home and do our own thing with the kids, rather than trying to go to either family.

In reply to Kia_Racer:

in that scenario on Easter go to a local gentlemen's club, approach a young woman and inquire as it whether she'd enable you to rise again. Commentary about how you'd nail her like a cross are, however, frowned upon.

captdownshift wrote: In reply to Kia_Racer: in that scenario on Easter go to a local gentlemen's club, approach a young woman and inquire as it whether she'd enable you to rise again. Commentary about how you'd nail her like a cross are, however, frowned upon.

I say, you good sir might owe me a keyboard.....

mtn wrote: Marriage question--how do you handle Holidays?

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

T.J. wrote:

mtn wrote: Marriage question--how do you handle Holidays?

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

Not necessary with my family, it only enhances the good time. Very much so necessary with her family, to the point that the nuclear family has arguments over who is DD this year (usually me).

I think it should enter the equation, just as one holiday that is under normal circumstances always chosen to be with your family.

Just because her family doesn't do anything on Easter doesn't mean that it shouldn't count toward the "score". It's still a day spent with your family, not hers.

Alternate years spending time with your family one year, and not having to worry about family the next.

Alternating was a PITA. Thanksgiving, Easter dinner and Christmas Eve were always with her family. Not because they are religious (far from it), but just because they have old traditions they've carried down since they arrived on a boat and are fun to participate in. Christmas dinner was alternated, although only by me towards the end. Not that I blamed her. I don't like spending time with my mother's husband either. He's just a miserable, grumpy guy. Even then, her family would alternate having dinner with her extended family, or simply staying at her parents' house. I always preferred the extended option - see different folks. This past Christmas, my mother went south to see her sisters and I stayed home. That part of our relationship I kinda miss.