marriage?

DILYSI Dave wrote: And only walk into D. Geller & Son if you want to see where the guys end up who are too slimy for used car sales.

Now that's a mental picture that brightened up my Friday.

And another vote for getting the finance stable, if you can make it through that you can probably make it through anything. Get the cheap wedding now-ish for the commitment if that's important to both of you and forget about spending more than you'd spend on multiple cars.

My girlfriend got me a GRM subscription for valentine's day. I have nothing else to add.

I spent $1500 on Mrs. Marty!'s ring. I'm pretty luck that she doesn't like big gawdy jewelry so I shopped for a 1/2 carat ring. To maximize my spending and get something truly exceptional I read up on gradings and whatnot and learned where to make compromises when buying. I ended up buying a .47 carat diamond which has great color but a slight inclusion. That .03 carat difference makes a big difference in price but is unnoticeable to anybody looking without a loupe. Second, I looked through all the custom designer platinum books for a setting. I chose one and asked the store to see if the designer could make it in white gold. They did and what what I ended up with was a custom great looking ring that my wife still gets compliments on a couple times a month.

I'm not gonna tell you what to do or how you should feel - except for this. If it's important to her, it should be important to you.

Also if you get her a ring that buys you at least 2 years to plan a wedding. You can accomplish a lot financially in that 2 years and gives you and her both some time.

So, don't sweat the small stuff - just yet.

Well if you decide to get a diamond, my daughter will sell you a very nice used diamond for 25% of what she paid for it. Yea, he bought (charged) it and she paid it off once they were maaried. They are now divorced and the huge $$ my wife spent on the wedding is down to toilet.

When she got married we had to had a GOOD photographer because the pictures of our wedding were crap. Well she was maaried 5 years and we ahve been married 34. But, she has great pictures of the wedding. One picture won the photographer an award and we don't even own the rights to any of the photos. After she found out the ex had been cheating on her she destroyed the expensive wedding portrait. I could go on, but its Friday.

Nothing wrong with getting the girl a modest diamond. If she doesn't like it, she isn't worth it.

PM me some pictures of your daughter's ring, and what she has to have for it.

You guys have convinced me that I at least need to be on the lookout for something good for her.

well, more like SHE has convinced me because she is so awesome!

scardeal wrote:

Platinum90 wrote: I guess it is my rational side coming out on the internet. I am Tom Cruise Jumping On a Couch in love with this woman. She is my reason for existing. She is the only reason I am not a deadbeat, living in my parents basement, no education, no job. I am just trying to be fiscally responsible, but I guess if that is what she needs to understand that I feel this way, maybe I should find a bullet to bite.

Then, dangit, just get her a(n inexpensive) ring and get married within your means. You don't have to spend $10k, $20k, etc. on a marriage. What's important is the actual marriage part, not so much all the hoopla surrounding it. It is appropriate to have celebration, but you can have just as much celebration with a $5k (or less) wedding as with a $25k wedding. My wife and I had 100 people more than we expected (had 250, expected 150) and got by with $7.5k. We were originally shooting for $5k. I'd say that we could have saved ~$1k if we had cheaped out a bit on the food. My wife had gone to a $60k wedding, and the opulence actually detracted from the whole thing.

Yep, what he said, or what many of the other GRMers are saying. Sounds like you're just sweating the initial cash outlay part of marriage, and that's totally up to you and her. Talk to her. Work it out. If you guys are really together--and it sounds like you are--you'll come up with a solution... together.

(And FWIW my ring cost <$300, my entire wedding--dress, food, flowers, venue and all--cost <$1000, and that was good enough to buy us 27 years next month... and still counting.)

Margie

A diamond ring looses 95% of what you pay for it as soon as you walk out the store. Go ahead, try to resell a used engagement ring for the 6-grand you paid for it. You will struggle to get $100!

Good is relative. Keep that in mind.

In 1969 we bought a plain wedding band for my babe, rented the chapel on my college campus for $25, and were married for free by one of my professors that happened to be a priest. We have been very happily married ever since and could afford most any kind of diamond now, but she figures there are better uses for the money. What a woman!!

nocones wrote:

The 60's called. They want their societal norms back..

My wife works. We are in a Partnership. I did not purchase a plaything by proving that I had security and the ability to support her. She knows that I will support her through anything (layoff, disability, zombie attack), and I know she would do the same for me. We got married 5 years ago, if we had waited until I had what you are describing we would be married in roughly another 5 years. Financially we are probably better off than 99% of America, and we on combined income couldn't do what you are describing. Debeers wants you to spend 3 months, but only fools do it. We spent ~$1200 on her ring and mine combined. Her friends that have 4-5K rings now wish they spent that money on a house, car, other debt, anything that really mattered.

I called the sixties they said things were better back then. Lower divorce rate, less people filing bankruptcy, people living within their means. Most divorces are caused because of money these days. Do you guys talking about spending to much on rings being crazy and how its a bad Idea for people who are two paychecks from homeless. Do you think people in this financial situation should be getting married? Really

Why should a financial situation have anything to do with getting married? I can be just as happy broke as I can with a wad in my pocket given the right circumstances. If people are truly only getting divorced over money, there's a lot more underlying issues than people are willing to admit. Money's just an excuse.

^ Agreed. Marriage, which is a bond of love between two people, has noting to do with money. We could be dirt poor, livingin a shack and eating cardboard and I would still be better off married to my wife. Why? Because SHE is what keeps me going, striving to do better and to find the good things in life. Not the money. Not the toys. Not the trinkets.

Marry for the love. Don't worry about the finances. If it's right, the two of you will figure that out as you go.

Sorry... I'm a romantic at heart. After experiencing "Love at first sight".... well what can I say? I'm a softie.

lizard wrote: Not preaching, really, my wife and I lived together for 10 years before getting married. Sorta' statistical data to be inserted now: I took a relationship course at a community college to fulfill a humanities requirement and there was some surprising info related to long term live together relationships. It's been 15 years so I'm not 100% on the numbers, but something like 60% of marriages where the couple lived together in an unmarried state for 7 years end in divorce within 5 years. The percentage goes up for each additional year of living together unmarried. Don't know how long you've been living together, but it is a consideration. The theory was that both parties end up resenting losing their "freedom" for a situation that otherwise hasn't really "changed."

I think what really happens is that that 14yrs is a long berkeleying time and people grow into their own direction. They get sick and tired of other people's constant badgering about irrelevant nonsense and so they spend every possible weekend camping with the kids or at the track or in the garage... not me of course... (cough) but other people... ... ...in general.

lizard wrote: Not preaching, really, my wife and I lived together for 10 years before getting married. Sorta' statistical data to be inserted now: I took a relationship course at a community college to fulfill a humanities requirement and there was some surprising info related to long term live together relationships. It's been 15 years so I'm not 100% on the numbers, but something like 60% of marriages where the couple lived together in an unmarried state for 7 years end in divorce within 5 years. The percentage goes up for each additional year of living together unmarried. Don't know how long you've been living together, but it is a consideration. The theory was that both parties end up resenting losing their "freedom" for a situation that otherwise hasn't really "changed."

I found this pretty interesting so I was doing some more reading and found this:

The median length for a marriage in the US today is 11 years.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_the_United_States

Capt Slow wrote: The median length for a marriage in the US today is 11 years.

Wow. The prison sentence for manslaughter can be only half that.

Watch very carefully her actions during the engagement. Does she resent your prior relationships? there's a sign Does she resent your hobbies? there's a sign If you are asked to do things far outside your abilities, there is a sign. Having stayed married for 30 yrs, I do believe in love but you also need to be realistic about your situation.

Sounds like you've already gotten some good advice here and are listening to it.

I'll throw in my opinion, which is nothing more than that--certainly not advice, because I'm not in any position to be giving it.

I see myself in a situation similar to yours in the upcoming years. I'm real um... well, there is no other word for it, I'm cheap... and to me, a ring does not make sense. However, my girlfriend I know would never stay with me past a certain point if I refused to get a ring. After a time, it wouldn't matter what financial situation I/we were in--at a certain point, she will need a ring or she will leave. And as superficial and materialistic as that is, I can understand it and grudgingly accept it. I love her to death, I've made it clear that I'm a car nut and whatever happens in my life, what I say goes as far as cars... and she hasn't left me or tried to argue with me. For that reason alone, I will be able to afford a rock--although there are a million other reasons that aren't relevant in this particular discussion.

^Even though I don't believe in the whole big expenditure thing, I don't see anything wrong with a woman that you love wanting a firm commitment.

Guess I'm kind of old fashioned in that particular respect.

z31maniac wrote: ^Even though I don't believe in the whole big expenditure thing, I don't see anything wrong with a woman that you love wanting a firm commitment. Guess I'm kind of old fashioned in that particular respect.

Yep, thats what I was trying to say. You made it much more concise, thanks.

mtn wrote:

z31maniac wrote: ^Even though I don't believe in the whole big expenditure thing, I don't see anything wrong with a woman that you love wanting a firm commitment. Guess I'm kind of old fashioned in that particular respect.

Yep, thats what I was trying to say. You made it much more concise, thanks.

I can agree with them wanting some sort of symbol, but for wanting or demanding an incredibly expensive ring, especially when you can't afford it, I can't agree with.

JeepinMatt wrote:

mtn wrote:

z31maniac wrote: ^Even though I don't believe in the whole big expenditure thing, I don't see anything wrong with a woman that you love wanting a firm commitment. Guess I'm kind of old fashioned in that particular respect.

Yep, thats what I was trying to say. You made it much more concise, thanks.

I can agree with them wanting some sort of symbol, but for wanting or demanding an incredibly expensive ring, especially when you can't afford it, I can't agree with.

Once again, I agree. For me, I wouldn't cheap out on that... but I wouldn't buy an incredibly expensive one either.

An interesting thing, the "expected" size nowadays, at least from the girls I know who are apparently in the know, is about 2-3 times the size of my mother's, and any of my aunts'.

jeepinmatt said: I can agree with them wanting some sort of symbol, but for wanting or demanding an incredibly expensive ring, especially when you can't afford it, I can't agree with.

I am, in no way, saying that she is asking for some 3 carat thing. She hasn't even said what she wanted...though she has hinted that something around a carat would be nice...

I am not trying to demonize the girl by saying she wants all kinds of crap, but at the same time, I just want to be more stable when I ask her that "question".

In reply to Platinum90:

Right on. That was meant in general; I have/had no idea what she wanted. I'm sort of torn myself. My girl has no problem with my cars, my hobby, racing... I wouldn't spend beyond my means, but they are luxuries. And even if she wanted something expensive - if it isn't much more than my own toys - I don't know if I'd have a leg to stand on if I tried to say it was too much money, because I don't want to look like I'm willing to spend cash on myself and not her. Luckily, she wants a reasonable ring and reception. I did throw around the idea of selling my custom guitar to fund the purchase. She got wind of it and I really think the idea that I would sell something I cherished in order to buy her a ring made her all fuzzy inside, for lack of a better way to say it. Maybe it's the gesture that she's worth more than my things, no matter how much I like them?

Platinum90 wrote: I am, in no way, saying that she is asking for some 3 carat thing.

Fair enough, but I know far too many women who think that their ring should be at least a carat.

Of course, none of these women are married...