In reply to Toyman! :
Yes, we've learned a lot today. Another account of ours was hit, so today we spent the day getting two new bank accounts, following up on changing all our direct debits and deposits, and being told: Checks are outdated. If you still want to use one, MAIL IT DIRECTLY INSIDE THE POST OFFICE ONLY. Evidently people wait around and watch for people to drop in mail, and then somehow retrieve them, or the mail person themselves do it. And yes, at this level of theft neither the USPS or the cops care. The bank has been super helpful, though.
Anyway, a pain in the ass. Watch who you hand a check to.
RX Reven' said:
In reply to Beer Baron 🍺 :
"what's mine is communal and what's hers is hers".
Isn't that also the govt. policy? (inheritance is not shared with a spouse)
Anyway, yeah that sucks. Sorry to hear about your situation.
I never felt that my ex and I were on the same page financially. I certainly wouldn't be eyeing early 40s retirement if we were still together. I felt like we had many discussions about it, but her heart wasn't in it in the discussions :(
TravisTheHuman said:
RX Reven' said:
In reply to Beer Baron 🍺 :
"what's mine is communal and what's hers is hers".
Isn't that also the govt. policy? (inheritance is not shared with a spouse)
Anyway, yeah that sucks. Sorry to hear about your situation.
I never felt that my ex and I were on the same page financially. I certainly wouldn't be eyeing early 40s retirement if we were still together. I felt like we had many discussions about it, but her heart wasn't in it in the discussions :(
As I understand it, in some circumstances a spouses inheritance can be taken into consideration. If, for example, you get a divorce and the judge decides that you should pay your X 50K per year. The judge can say but your X has an inheritance that, based on her age, can safely produce 40K per year and reduce the alimony you owe to 10K per year.
But this is all legal brinkmanship stuff....what's really eating at me is that my wife is highly outspoken about what "I need to do" with my inheritance when it comes in and yet is equally highly evasive and even becomes indignant when there's any discussion about her inheritance. Berk all of the inheritance, we'd be fine without any of it...that's not what's upsetting me.
Look, we did great, we produced two wonderful happy and healthy kids and we're in great shape financially...we should be celebrating but we're not, in her mind the more I produce the better so she's pressuring me to keep going.
As I initially said "I've stopped squeaking"...I see that I'm basically just an appliance, an ATM machine and I have little hope of ever hearing "you've done your job, now go out and play".
mtn said:
The anxiety is especially bad today. This is getting really old - it is like I have two options: either I have extreme executive dysfunction where I have demand avoidance or ADHD paralysis, or I can get stuff done but I feel like curling up and crying the entire time. A single negative - or even just not-positive - event will derail me.
This is every day of my adult life as far back as I can remember. I thought it was normal. I kind of still do, because what do I have to compare it to besides someone else's life?
Duke said:
preach said:
In reply to preach :
Mrs. preach's dad passed yesterday.
I'm so sorry for your family's loss, preach. It really seems like you're going through a bad time. We're here to talk any time.
Not a rant this time.
This place if berkeleying awesome, thank you all.
Only thing we may need is a lawyer in FL and maybe a hug for her near Punta Gorda while she deals with E36 M3 down there.
In reply to RX Reven' :
You've done your job. You should go out and play.
But you don't need to hear that from me.
It seems to me that with couple's finances you can either:
- Treat all assets as separate.
- Treat all assets as communal.
- Figure out a mutual balance of what proportion of what is separate and communal.
You both have to agree on that. You have to be equal. She doesn't get to follow different rules from you.
I think she's being stupid here because she can't force you to do anything. If she wants something, she should work WITH your to figure out the best communal decision that takes BOTH of you into account. If you've earned enough money to retire, the only reason for you to work is because YOU want to. If she wants to play chicken on that... she loses.
If you are looking for advice on practical solutions - I'd say you'd probably do well to bring in one or two impartial 3rd parties. I would probably start with talking to some kind of accountant or financial planner. That way you frame your issue as purely logistical and economical.
Talk to a financial planner and be like, "I will be retiring on this date. Here is what our finances look like. How does that have us set up?" Then she has to explain to this person what she plans to do and why. You can bring up the issue of her inheritance and ask how that affects the outlook on things. If she wants to withhold that, she's probably going to have to explain a bit.
After that, it may or may not make sense to seek a couples counselor to help bridge any other conflicts.
When I got my dads inheritance the lawyer mentioned it can be treated as my money only but my wife and I are all one. We're all different and whatever works in your relationship.
Yes, keep begging me for post tax money when you've made your career earnings on tax dollars. The pictures you get in response will continue to get more graphic and disturbing.
In reply to Datsun240ZGuy :
" We're all different and whatever works in your relationship. "
My parents were all for one and one for all. SWMBO and I are the same way. We discuss what to spend "our" money on. If one of us has some kind of windfall, that holds some sway. If it's me, not so much. If SWMBO starts a sentence with "Izzy needs...." (horse) my knee jerk response is "Oh hell no"! and we go from there. 
She does the same thing about motorised stuff with me.
Duke
MegaDork
10/29/24 11:16 a.m.
Beer Baron 🍺 said:
It seems to me that with couple's finances you can either:
- Treat all assets as separate.
- Treat all assets as communal.
- Figure out a mutual balance of what proportion of what is separate and communal.
DW and I have always been "all for one, and one for all" financially, ever since we got engaged and moved in together almost 40 years ago. Sometimes I've been the one with more money; sometimes she has. It literally doesn't matter - we are a unified team.
That doesn't work for every couple. My oldest sister and her husband were both single until later in life, and after 35 years married they still keep mostly separate finances.
Any of the three options above can work - but they have to work the same way for both partners.
[edit] At the very least, if it's going to be unequal, both partners need to be OK with the inequality. It sounds like maybe that isn't the case. I hope they can work it out.
Beer Baron 🍺 said:
In reply to RX Reven' :
You've done your job. You should go out and play.
Marry me, I'm a good cook and handy with wrenches.
Thank you so much for suggesting that we talk to a financial advisor...replace the relationship dynamics with an independent source of hard, cold math.
Just finished two road trips that together added up to about 6,300 miles... If you are driving in the fast lane, and the next car ahead of you is a half mile ahead, and you look in the mirror and 15 cars are lined up bumper-to-bumper behind you... catch a clue!
In reply to Duke :
Yup.
I think we do well with a mix of communal and individual accounts. We each have our own discretionary spending money. No need to discuss hobby or personal expenses. If I decide I want to start spec racing again or the like, that's on me to make it work.
Really, I think we philosophically treat our finances as communal. Different accounts just make it easier to allocate and track money. Same way that I have a separate checking account for the house to cover mortgage and repairs.
Duke
MegaDork
10/29/24 11:46 a.m.
Purple Frog said:
If you are driving in the fast lane, and the next car ahead of you is a half mile ahead, and you look in the mirror and 15 cars are lined up bumper-to-bumper behind you... catch a clue!
That would entail thinking outside their own personal bubble.
We can always dream that will happen.
In reply to Duke :
This is the way. Misses Cheese and I are very much a united team. Some things are all her. Some things are all me. We add up our strengths/weaknesses (and money) and combine them into one big pot. It works for us well.
Beer Baron 🍺 said:
In reply to Duke :
Yup.
I think we do well with a mix of communal and individual accounts. We each have our own discretionary spending money. No need to discuss hobby or personal expenses. If I decide I want to start spec racing again or the like, that's on me to make it work.
Really, I think we philosophically treat our finances as communal. Different accounts just make it easier to allocate and track money. Same way that I have a separate checking account for the house to cover mortgage and repairs.
This is what we do. When we started out and were much poorer, we had problems with communicating about expenditures and would overdraw the house account. The answer to that was 3 accounts. Hers, mine, and ours. We would deposit our checks into the house account and distribute some of those funds to our accounts if there was an excess after paying all the bills. Any expenditures out of the house account had to be discussed. Any expenditures out of our accounts did not. It pretty much solved 100% of the bickering about money. Everyone knew where they stood and didn't feel like they had to ask for permission to spend money on something they wanted.
38 years later we still do pretty much the same thing except she is mostly a stay-at-home wife and we are no longer poor. I charge the house account every 2 weeks to keep the household bills paid and food on the table plus some extra. She pays all the bills so any spending out of that account is her responsibility and I don't touch it. If it comes up short, she lets me know and I cover it. Leftovers from my income go into retirement accounts or my checking account. Expenditures outside of everyday bills like property taxes, frivolous expenses, restaurants, vacations, or cars, I usually cover. My wife's part-time income is significantly less than mine so it mostly goes into her account for her to spend as she sees fit. If she wants extra funding for something, I transfer it to her account or buy whatever it is she wants out of my account. Anything that will seriously impact the house account we discuss to make sure it doesn't come up short. Anything significant enough to alter the way funds are distributed, we discuss in advance to make sure we are on the same page.
Welly
New Reader
10/29/24 2:07 p.m.
My rant of the day. I'm an idiot.
Currently lying in a hospital bed and not allowed to eat of drink for the last two days. My brain says, hey let's watch Chef's Table on Netflix and various people cooking prime rib on the YouTube's. I might put on the 40 pounds I've lost in last month once I can eat again.
Not really a rant...
Was out practicing bass in the garage. I'm partway through a song and a yellowjacket comes up and starts flying around my fretting hand while I'm playing. Tried to madly shoo it away while keeping playing. It was not discouraged. I gave up.
In reply to Welly :
Hope you get better - I found that when fasting for a medical procedure all of a sudden TV commercials for crappy fast food looks really good.
Also due to confusion we can't have "Welly" as your name as we already have a Wally and a Woody.
Side project I picked up at the same time I got my latest challenge project has a locked up engine. I shouldn't be surprised, since it has been off the road since 2006. Was really hoping to get it yard drivable before winter, but it'll have to sit for a while (with ATF in the cylinders, just in case).
Beer Baron 🍺 said:
Not really a rant...
Was out practicing bass in the garage. I'm partway through a song and a yellowjacket comes up and starts flying around my fretting hand while I'm playing. Tried to madly shoo it away while keeping playing. It was not discouraged. I gave up.
Nobody likes a critic 
At the Batcave, one of the tenants likes to set up some drums and an amp outside on nice evenings and they noodle around. One night he was trying to play "On a Plane" and it took all of my willpower to not go out there and show him what he was getting wrong
In reply to Toyman! :
When we were starting out, we were too broke to have multiple accounts. Back then, the only way for us to make all the bills without bouncing a check was to have one place for all the money. LOL
Changed poor to broke. Poor is a state of mind; broke is having all your money go out to a mortgage, student loans, a couple car payments, and a handful of credit cards. We were definitely broke.
Wife's 13 golf has an issue. It started not wanting to restart after refueling and throwing evap codes so replaced the n80 valve because this seems like a common problem with the 2.5l
Starts up after replacement.....then falls flat on its face and dies. Won't restart, won't start with starting fluid.
It's dark but my current working theory is it's not getting a spark( duh) or it's so flooded that starting fluid won't help anyway. No codes so far so.....yay. if you crank it forever you eventually get an oil light but oil is fine and apparently this happens when it cranks forever.
It sounds stupid but check the oil filler cap seal. When that leaks it can cause all sorts of weird issues and a stuck open purge solenoid (I assume that's the N80) may have been masking that.
You also may need to reset all of your adaptives, if you didn't do that already. A stuck open purge solenoid will not only cause the symptoms you described, but it will also make fuel trims go pretty well positive because once the charcoal canister and fuel tank are purged of vapors, it constitutes a fairly major vacuum leak since it's going to be nothing but fresh air leaking into the engine.
(Weird s-o-meter: on some Fords a stuck open purge solenoid can cause a P0420 but not set evap codes. It has to do with the way Ford monitors the cat during deceleration fuel cutoff. If it's stuck open it can be introducing fuel when the computer thinks none is going in, and it makes it look like the converter isn't storing much oxygen anymore. Did I mention that Ford apparently sourced their purge solenoids from Temu or maybe some hole in the wall too crappy to supply Dorman? The solenoids say Bosch on them but I don't believe it. They fail more often than the differential pressure sensors on the older EGR equipped cars...)
Pete. (l33t FS) said:
It sounds stupid but check the oil filler cap seal. When that leaks it can cause all sorts of weird issues and a stuck open purge solenoid (I assume that's the N80) may have been masking that.
You also may need to reset all of your adaptives, if you didn't do that already. A stuck open purge solenoid will not only cause the symptoms you described, but it will also make fuel trims go pretty well positive because once the charcoal canister and fuel tank are purged of vapors, it constitutes a fairly major vacuum leak since it's going to be nothing but fresh air leaking into the engine.
(Weird s-o-meter: on some Fords a stuck open purge solenoid can cause a P0420 but not set evap codes. It has to do with the way Ford monitors the cat during deceleration fuel cutoff. If it's stuck open it can be introducing fuel when the computer thinks none is going in, and it makes it look like the converter isn't storing much oxygen anymore. Did I mention that Ford apparently sourced their purge solenoids from Temu or maybe some hole in the wall too crappy to supply Dorman? The solenoids say Bosch on them but I don't believe it. They fail more often than the differential pressure sensors on the older EGR equipped cars...)
I will definitely check the oil cap seal, I would have never even looked at that. Thank you!
And I think I just disconnect the battery for awhile to reset?
