Need some advice, go get your wife (emotional content inside)

I had no plans on posting this here, but I need some advice on how to help my wife. So, I'll give you a minute to go grab your wife.
Ok, Sunday morning my wife was rushed into emergency surgery for severe abdominal pains. Turns out she had an ectopic pregnancy. For those that don't know, the baby doesn't drop to the uterus to develop, it gets stuck, and starts to develop, in her case, in an ovary. This is potentially lethal to the mom. Fortunately she is VERY body-aware and knew something was going on, but we had NO idea she was pregnant. She had her "tubes tied" 10 years ago, so the chances of her getting pregnant were very, very slim. Totally out of mind.
Anyway, she came out of surgery ok, minus one ovary, and minus a baby inside growing. She's at home resting, and we are trying to cope with the fact that
1 - she was pregnant
2 - she very well could have died
3 - she's no longer pregnant
4 - why is the room spinning all the time now?
5 - what now?
That's the back story, here's more backstory, and here's where I need your help.
16 years ago we lost our first son, but not in the same way. He was full-term and completely healthy up to the point where the medical team made a series of mistakes that ended up with us making funeral arrangements for our newborn son, Cole.
In that case, we knew we were having a baby. We had 9 months of making a room for the baby, having a baby shower, telling parents, being terrified we'd be bad parents, arguing over baby names, you know, all the stuff that goes into having a baby. Then we had visits to the coroner, getting the death certificate, talking to funeral directors, you know, all the stuff that goes into end-of-life. That was closure for us. It was horrific, but it was closure.
In this case, there's none of that. No telling parents, no baby names, no death certificate, no birth certificate, no funeral, none of that. No closure. I think that's what's hitting my wife hard.
How do I give her closure? We were talking about naming him/her. But I don't think that's closure.
What do you guys/girls think? I'm really interested in what the wive's have to say, since there's so much more emotion for the woman because it's more personal, being inside of her and all.

Sorry to bring the room down, but I really want to give her/us some closure.

~Boost

I am not sure there ever really is. Without much detail my wife had a relatively similar experience way before I came along, this was probably 15 years ago, and it still bothers her enough to bring it up a few times a year.

This probably isn't the sort of thing that sounds nice but... Think of it this way:

There is zero chance that embryo was going to survive in the wrong place in her body so "pregnant" is not the correct word. She had a developing embryo in an ovary. You guys did not lose a baby in this instance. Parallels to your heart wrenching previous experiences are possibly unavoidable but not really relevant. A biological process went wrong and thanks to the marvel of modern medicine you get to ponder that together instead of one of you being deceased.

She survived a near deadly biological mishap. That's a win here.

She was never pregnant in the sense that the outcome was ever going to be better than the one you have.

I hate the clinical way that sounds but take the emotional use of the word pregnant out and it is an infection.

My wife nearly died from e-coli last fall. Without the emotional word, the two are not so dissimilar. A thing that wreaked havoc got where it didn't belong and the folks at the ICU fixed it.

Rejoice that we live in a time where people don't just die from these things.

We have been through a couple of miscarriages. It's never easy. Ultimately we went the adoption route which becomes a huge mental wrestle about giving in to the idea of going that route and turned into a giant waiting game of years.
Nearly 3 years we hit the jackpot with a wonderful baby girl and couldn't be happier.

The moral of my story: It gets better...eventually.

Oof.

I echo I'm glad she is ok.

Maybe make time to go volunteer for kids who need help?

I think that professional help should be considered especially considering the past event. I have said this before but it bears repeating. There is nothing to be embarrassed about seeing a professional. In fact it should be looked at as the responsible thing to do. As we all know from being car people there are times when speaking the help of a professional or someone with experience will make an insurmountable problem become easily manageable.

Another way of looking at is she went to the doctor to fix the situation that could have killed her. This is just a continuation of the process / treatment that a doctor of a different type can at very least help guide her in processing what has happened and the feelings that come from it.

I wish you and your wife all the best as this must be a really tough thing to have to deal with.

Lucky she is alive. When I was a resident, at the hospital getting lunch on a Saturday when I was not on call, OR nurse grabbed me and said lets go. Ob/Gyn is up to his elbows in this gal's belly wearing street clothes. Has me put on gloves and stick my hand in there, "Put your finger on the bleeder when I take my hand off it" He goes and changes clothes, we wheel her back and take the tube and ovary on that side. I did not know you could bleed that much and not die. She was 19 and healthy, or probably she would have died, or that is what the man said. Ruptured ectopic is no joke, frequently fatal.

No way an ectopic turns out to be a baby. Doubt if that makes her feel any better about it though. I would try to get her to focus on the lucky to be alive thing, how glad you are you did not lose her. Getting some counseling would be a fine idea, particularly with your prior loss.

We've had a miscarriage, so I can understand.

Your loss is genuine, and whether or not this pregnancy had a prospect of being completed is not going to change how you feel, at least initially.

I agree, get some counseling, and please accept my sympathy for your loss.

We had a miscarriage early on in our marriage(It was her second one). She nearly didn't make it. The amount of blood she lost in the room they had her in prior to taking her back to do the procedure was shocking. She doesn't really bring it up anymore. I'll see if I can't get her to respond tomorrow.

Thanks folks. I think you're right, we should seek counseling. We did when Cole died, and it was good for us.
Huckleberry, I agree with your clinical view. I think that's why this hasn't hit me very hard yet. She was never pregnant to me, because I didn't know anything before Sunday morning, and we both now it was not a viable situation.
That may help her some, but I think there's the female aspect of this that I will never understand. The loss of our first hit us both hard, nearly destroyed me and us, but there was a facet of that loss I never understood, and that had to do with it being HER body and the life inside HER.
I don't know how much of that is going on here.
Thanks all for your advice and support. I'm going to go (gently) hug my wife.

That's a tough situation, I hope that you find a path that brings you both peace.

Huckleberry and Dean have it right. I doubt there are any additional points I could add to what they said. Ultimately, feelings are not right or wrong, good or bad, or even controllable. They just are are. The best you can do is to make the best choice on what you do about it.

Either way, my deepest condolences and best wishes for you both.

Sorry you and your wife have to go through this. Nothing else to add - my thoughts have already been covered by others.

We've had a number of miscarriages. The thing I've learned is that it's a loss, and your wife will very much realize that far more than you. As fleeting as the pregnancy was, you need to help your wife mourn that loss.

In addition, it's no small thing for a woman to lose an ovary. It's not as visible as a man's parts, but think of it like losing one of your testes.

You don't have to make a big public thing about it, but it's helpful to have a way to make peace with it. When it was possible, we buried the child's remains at a memorial for unborn children and had a small service. Our church has a Mass every year that remembers miscarried children, and things like that give the loss a sense of dignity that it was a real loss and that it is right to grieve over it.

The worst thing that you can do is pretend like it's nothing and try to act like everything is okay. It'll get better after a while, but we still go visit the memorial every once in a while, because those children were part of our lives, even when it was just a blink or when we barely even knew that they were there. And we're thankful that they were there, even if it was so so painful.

Anyway, I don't know your religious or non-religious persuasion, but the memorial I spoke of is at a Catholic cemetery in Brighton, MI. Shouldn't be too far from you. Maybe it'd be helpful to visit? Anyway, PM me if you want more info.

I grew up knowing I had a little brother that didn't come home from the hospital. My mom was active in a support group for women who lost babies at any stage of pregnancy. It was just part of my world and I didn't really think much about it until my wife was pregnant. I talked to my mom and she told me about my great grandmother. About a week after my mom got home from the hospital, she came over and talked. She had lost three babies. Two miscarriages and one still birth. They didn't really talk about those things publicly in those days, but it was the right time. She understood in a way the no one else did. They cried together and that was the center of her healing. She spent at least two decades being that person for other women.
This is a very long winded way to say that you may not be able to help her. She may need to find the right person, friend, relative, professional, that can. And watch out for yourself too, grief can sneak up on you.

My ex and I went through two miscarriages on our way to having two kids. During the second one our OB said something to me that stuck about how, in the era before easy and reliable early pregnancy tests, miscarriages were almost never known about. A woman was simply "late" or even missed a period and then miscarried during the first trimester. It was never thought of as a pregnancy. Because of this they recommend (strongly and rightly IMO) that expecting parents hold off telling people about their news until well into the second trimester. Stuff happens.

All that said, feelings are feelings and the sense of loss your wife is experiencing is understandable and perfectly normal. Not simply for this round of life threatening medical drama but it has broadsided her. All the things she thought were behind her and dealt with were pulled to the surface and have to be worked through again.

Good luck and best wishes to both of you, this was a E36 M3 hand to be dealt and all you can do is be supportive for her.

Also, keep in mind that this is an emotional issue (maybe religious too). All of the logical arguments in the world mean nearly nothing in her head and heart. My brother lost a fetus with his wife. It was really hard on both of them. I've known others who didn't take it as hard.

Her hormones are also out of sorts being pregnant. Something else to keep in mind.

Counseling as already suggested.

Good luck!

I think all as been said. Closure may not be a thing, just be there for her and listen. My wife and I have had several miscarriages and as others have said, it's not uncommon (especially very early on). Two miscarriages involved DNCs that where quite hard on her. Just be thankful she is alive, modern medicine caught it early enough, and love the children you have.

The losing an ovary is a big deal for a woman. Equivalent to a dude getting his nuts cut off, so don't discount the gravity of that.

Again, fortunate she survived, good thing she listens when her body tells her to get to a hospital.

Despite months of counseling, my spouse didn't really get past the loss until another child arrived later. If that's not in the cards for you, I'd suggest intervention asap.

My cousin lost his wife due to complications from an ectopic pregnancy. Whilst your wife has every right to feel greif and sadness, especially considering what you've both already been through, she needs to start looking at just how lucky to be alive she actually is. She could have easily ignored what her body was trying to tell her and no longer be here as a result.

I wish you both all the best, and hope she can find some form of closure or acceptance.

Yikes.

My wife (ie we) have gone through it, not ectopic, but the loss still was enough to scare her. She's a bit paranoid now that pregnancy won't be as easy as some make it out to be. We've met plenty of others who went through it, but got over it by having perfectly healthy "normal" pregnancies with "normal" healthy kids afterwards. We know some who got so scared that they just gave up and went the adoption route.

One thing that certainly helped was bracing for the statistics. We knew after the pregnancy test that it still was not "for certain" that we were having a baby, just that we were pregnant. When it turned out that she was no longer pregnant, her great doctor and I just had to reassure that "this happens" and that while it was less common occurrence, it probably happened to far more people than we realized.

Like others have said, while your wife was pregnant, you would have not have had a child, and likely she would have not had her life. The failures and brilliance of modern medicine is always contentious, but there was simply no other outcome in this case.

We gave our a would-be baby a name and a burial/memorial and said a prayer. Which is all you really can do. We didn't do it at our house because we didn't want the house to be connected to the memory.

Be there, listen to her and even when you can't understand what the problem is on a given day let her know she's not crazy.

You may also want to run interference so to speak between her and well meaning family and friends. We have a lot of people that feel the need to pass on helpful things that they've read on Facebook or seen on Dr Oz or on days like Mothers or Father's day comment on how unfortunate that her barren dusty womb has left us childless. I've gotten good at knowing when this is going to come up and steering the wife clear of these folks. It sounds dumb but it helps her stay happy.

We almost lost one of our twins due too a few complications so i cant imagine what you guys have went through but the fact shes alive should be the focal point, some people are better at coping then others. My wifes cousin had a miscariage when she was 19, it turned her into an alcoholic until she seen a professional. do not discard that option if your wife is at all willing. Goodluck