So, I have a nearly perfect girlfriend. The only issue is that she wants a kid someday. I've never given any thought to having one, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to give up my free time and disposable income for one.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
I think you are young and you shouldn't rush to rash decisions, but given where you live bring a child into that environment would be rather impulsive. SC schools suck.
has she driven a miata?
I'm not opposed to kids, but I'm also not planning (or rather, planning not to) have them anytime soon.
I think my future-wife feel very similar. She's got a nice body she doesn't want to mess up, child bearing doesn't thrill her at all, and both of us don't care for infants.
That being said, we'd probably entertain the idea of adopting a kid, but secretly I also wouldn't mind having a little me to chill with.
You want them or you don't. Don't have them if you don't want them.
The idea of free time and income and being skinny kinda disappears after you have kids though. I just couldn't care less about those things once I saw my daughter and then my son. Your priorities change fast. Now I just want to dress up as superheros and hang out with the little guy.
Best child advice I was ever given:
"Don't have a child until it is the only thing you can think about."
Until you hit that point, don't have kids. I have two kids and we are considering a third, but not until we both want it to happen.
Flight Service wrote: I think you are young and you shouldn't rush to rash decisions, but given where you live bring a child into that environment would be rather impulsive. SC schools suck.
But easy to homeschool in SC
It's an important decision that can only be made by discussing it with her. The topic has already been discussed to an extent apparently. If you decide to disconnect the fuel lines, you can always reconnect them if you change your mind.
If you haven't thought about being a father before, it is now. It doesn't matter what folks here may think; its' about the relationship you have with your girlfriend and the relationship she has with you.
Hint: If you aren't on the same page about this, things will change.
If you don't EVER want kids... you should probably give her the option to ditch you before her eggs and options dry up. It's only fair, really.
rotard wrote: So, I have a nearly perfect girlfriend. The only issue is that she wants a kid someday. I've never given any thought to having one, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to give up my free time and disposable income for one. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Approximately how old are you? If you're in your early-mid 20s, table the discussion for 4 or 5 years, then bring it up again. Your feelings will probably change by then.
If they don't change, no problem, the only thing that means is that your feelings didn't change. But at that point, it is time to reopen the discussion and see where she stands. By that time, if she is dead-set for kids and you are dead-set against them (or vice versa), you should cut each other loose to pursue your respective long-term goals.
yeah, you should let her know, my wife and i were just talking about this after 28 years if we could go back would we have had the 2 we had......E36 M3 no! and neither one of them have ever been arrested.
My wife and I are both in our late thirties and we've been married for 16 years. Neither one of us want kids, so we don't have any, but that's not a life-long choice most people make.
I agree with GPS to some degree, but Duke has a smart take on it too.
Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote: If you don't EVER want kids... you should probably give her the option to ditch you before her eggs and options dry up. It's only fair, really.
This.
That's why I dated my wife for 3.5 years and lived with her for 3 of those years so that she could fully understand (and accept it or leave it), that I DO NOT want children, I have NEVER wanted children, and I NEVER will want children. Been together over 7, will be 4 years married in a few more months. It's good to know we are on the same page.
We have as such softened our stance since then. Basically doing everything we can to prevent it, but figured if it did happen it likely wouldn't be the end of the world, and laid-back college educated people with good jobs should probably be the ones contributing to the population.............../eugenics
I had a vasectormy at 20. 20 years later I don't regret that decision at all.
There is a big difference between child free and childless though and it would suck to have that chasm between you two in a relationship.
Think long and hard about it. But if she really wants kids and you really don't, it isn't fair to either of you to stay together.
ultraclyde wrote: My wife and I are both in our late thirties and we've been married for 16 years. Neither one of us want kids, so we don't have any, but that's not a life-long choice most people make. I agree with GPS to some degree, but Duke has a smart take on it too.
It's becoming more and more common in this generation. I know of 4 couples of my friends that are married and purposely childless compared to the 2 couples with kids.
And agree to the letting her know how you feel. Wife and I were both ambivalent about kids when we met/married. that quickly changed to "aww hell naw!" and I got snipped 4 years ago. I feel guilty to my parents that they will never experience grandchildren, but that alone is not a reason to have children.
I never wanted kids. Wife wanted em, loves em. She married me anyhow, knowing my stance on the matter. We were at one point told kids were not a possibility, so we didn't worry about it. The two year old demolishing my living room tells me otherwise. Due to the difficulty of the pregnancy we took it one step further and I got a vasectomy.... no more for us.
My eleven year old daughter told me she wants to autocross a kart when she is twelve.
She was born when I was 41.
Priorities can change. You have a lot of time to make a decision. If you are both certain you do not want kids, then there are procedures for that!
In reply to Bobzilla:
Checking in as one of the 4. Or maybe a 5th?
you were my 4th. I work with one, one I went to college/worked with and one of the wife's friends.
In fact, half of today was me pissing off people on Faceyspace that were bitching about minimum wage, raising a kid while working at McD's. The whole "If you can't afford to pay for yourself what the hell are you doing getting knocked up?" thing. That seems to really bother some people.
Bobzilla wrote: you were my 4th. I work with one, one I went to college/worked with and one of the wife's friends. In fact, half of today was me pissing off people on Faceyspace that were bitching about minimum wage, raising a kid while working at McD's. The whole "If you can't afford to pay for yourself what the hell are you doing getting knocked up?" thing. That seems to really bother some people.
It's one hell of a valid point though.
I always wanted kids so no big deal for me with the current wife. However, it is one of those immutable things. It can case massive friction as time goes on if you disagree.
If you're young you may change your mind. If you find yourself in the position of having one on the way that was unplanned....you may change your mind. I've seen quite a few die hard "NO KIDS EVAR!" guys change pretty quick once they realized.
I can also say I felt a lot different about making the sacrifices necessary once I had traveled, bought/sold some fun cars, and achieved some dreams for myself. After I had lived some I was ok taking a slower pace to bring some awesome people into the world.
Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote: If you don't EVER want kids... you should probably give her the option to ditch you before her eggs and options dry up. It's only fair, really.
This. There are several issues that are relationship killers if the two of you don't see eye-to-eye: Religion
Finances
Children
Fidelity
Far better to break up now, amicably, than have it blow up in your face later when both of you are much older.
I didn't really want kids until I was in my late 30's, that's why I am 55 with a 16 y/o duaghter. Some people never do; my oldest brother is 60, his wife is 56 and they have no kids. Nothing wrong with either view. The wrong thing is to, as others have pointed out, not be completely honest with the other about your wants. I know two guys who didn't want kids and were, ahem, tricked into it by their wives. That is just plain wrong.
When I was a young man I saw a really messed up world that seemed to be on the path of getting more messed up. I witnessed friends parents going through hellish relationships ending in divorce. I didn't see a way to change the world and I couldn't guarantee that I'd find a wife that would help me create an environment to raise children in. Also, I thought at an early age that the world was over populated and was rapidly becoming more so. Therefore I made a carefully considered decision not to father children. I was very very careful not to create a pregnancy. I had a vasectomy at age 33.
My first serious girl friend, who is now my wife, broke up with me in part because I made my decision known to her. She and her first husband did have one child. My first wife thought like I did which is one of the reasons we married.
I have met people my age who shocked me by saying that they regretted having children.
I'm glad to hear that younger people are carefully considering this choice. I think most young people of my generation, I'm 65, just took it for granted, you finished school, you got a job, you got married, you went into debt, and you had children. That's just what people do.
IMO the future of mankind and all aspects of this planet depend in part on the entire planet voluntarily seeking to balance births and deaths. Also IMO we have long ago exceeded the maximum balance of human population. We truly have been "fruitful and multiplied". I hope that this realization takes hold of the entire population of this planet and the NOW generation acts in a manner to reduce our population without governments making the decision for them.
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