Oh it is so much worse

For those of you who have been following along on the minor rants page you may have seen the bit about my step daughter (18) who is currently about to graduate with a 4.4 gpa, holds a part time job, and is quite attractive.   We found out Wednesday that she has been sneaking around seeing a “boy”.  The reason for sneaking around?  He’s 31.  That was in the minor rants thread.  Last night we learned more and she really dug in her heels about breaking up with him.  

So here’s the rundown as I know it so far.  She met him on Super Bowl Sunday (also her birthday) because her biological father decided to invite Matt over.  He’s 31 and has been out of prison for 4 months where he served 27 months for trafficking.  Neck and hand tattoos.  Three children with two different baby mamas (16, 11, and 8) of which none live with him.  He’s married.  According to his FB profile he has multiple gold teeth (teef?), keeps a pair of pit bulls in cages, and has 953 friends of which 900 are women.

What an utter E36 M3-show.  This girl just jumped on the super duper express train to berkeleying up her life in every possible way and doesn’t even see the need to hop the berkeley back off before it’s too late.

Oh man.  Short of doing illegal things to said "boyfriend", my unfortunate experience is there isn't much you can do to stop it, especially with an 18 year old.  Just do WHATEVER you have to to make sure she doesn't end up pregnant.  Then she's stuck on the train for life. 

Also, 4 months out likely equals "still on parole".  I'd carefully watch his social media for signs of illegal activity and get to know his parole officer. 

Does she live with you? Do you support her in any way? If so, just let her know that if she continues with him, she is telling you she has made a decision as an adult. Congratulations, you now see her as an adult, and she can be one with all of the responsibilities of said adult, rent, car insurance, cell phone bill, etc. 

if you’re paying the cell bill, suspend her line, he wont be able to call or text. 

Are you saying they met on the exact DAY that she turned 18?  

I think it might be wise to point this out to the parole officer.  If there was any contact pre-18, parole will not look kindly upon it.  I'm not so sure parole will look kindly on it in any way.  

Hopefully we can get a womans perspective on this, that would probably be most helpful. But it sounds like she has always done everything right and maybe now shes having a quarter life crisis, wanting to be wild and rebellious. Your telling her she needs to dump him may only be feeding the fire. Maybe her parents splitting up has led to some daddy issues and that is the cause of all this. Maybe she is doing this as a cry for attention. Maybe, like my lovable labrador, she is sweet and great but super attracted to garbage and rolling in E36 M3. I dont know. I didnt understand women when i was 18 and i dont understand them now. Im with kazoo, birth control and lots of it, otherwise shes gonna end up living

I have no advice. However, im watching. My daughter is 10. I have no idea how to be a good father to a teenage girl. Hopefully i can learn from all the fathers trying to help you.

I’m on the fence...

I used to be solidly in the camp that would say, “Whatever happens, make sure you don’t damage you relationship with her”. That would translate as being supportive, not too confrontational, etc. 

But I have kids who have made bad decisions, and a decade later I can’t say our relationship is intact. 

So, my approach with my current one making bad decisions (20)  is to get in his face. He knows what I think, and that I will ask questions and get involved.  I’ve told him that all the money I give him comes with strings attached.  Mostly that means I want him communicating with me regularly, and I reserve the right to tell him what I think about his choices and decisions. It’s his choice- if he doesn’t want me pushing my way into his life, then don’t expect any financial support. 

So far, that’s working better. He respects me for showing that I care- I think the other kids may have (incorrectly) gotten the message that I was aloof or didn’t care. 

Tough situation- I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. 

My wife’s answer...

-She’s 18

- You’re gonna have to let her make her mistakes, but you don’t have to let her live under your roof, however an ultimatum will sever the relationship and cut off any input you have

- Start an intervention with some people she trusts

- Are you part of a faith community?

- It’s time to kick her biological father in the ass. What the hell was he thinking?  He set up this mess. 

In reply to Mrs SVreXs points :

Is there any way the biological father will be "stand up" enough to fix this problem?  To also be the "bad guy" in this situation making him the heavy in causing the break-up?

In reply to John Welsh :

She didn’t say he would help. She said it’s time to kick him in the ass. 

She has friends? They probably don't actually approve.
It is a stubborn person that won't consider the opinions of their circle of friends and family.

And if she is sneaking out, she knows that what she is doing is wrong. The trick is letting her know that the consequences of her decisions are coming from loving friends and family without sounding like a dick.

In reply to Johnboyjjb :

I disagree. The “Bad Boy” thing runs deep. Her friends probably know. 

John Welsh said:

In reply to Mrs SVreXs points :

Is there any way the biological father will be "stand up" enough to fix this problem?  To also be the "bad guy" in this situation making him the heavy in causing the break-up?

 

I see the confusion...

My questions were directed to Jeremy and those questions were based on my reaction to the statements of Mrs SVreX

I used to live in a town where the teen pregnancy rate was incredible high. 

Turns out some of the boys (of a particular race) were competing with each other to see who could impregnate the most girls (of a different race).

Made me sick, but it was true. 

In reply to John Welsh :

Gotcha

This sounds very similar to my younger sister. 

In her mid 30s she's finally recovered from all that and is married to a really awesome guy. But she had 3 kids from the first guy, and it was a living hell for my parents since they had to help take care since she dropped out of college, etc, etc. 

I learned something about Mrs SVreX today...

She admitted she went out with “Bad Boys” when she was young. She was a straight A student, blah, blah, blah... They were losers.  

She said the point (for her) was to go out with someone who did all the things her parents told her not to do. 

This was in the 70’s. It’s not a new thing. 

But it WAS a new conversation to ME. 33 years of marriage... funny how you learn new stuff about people!  (Wondering if I should get my “thug” on to be more appealing to her!!) 

I'm impressed. If she were playing red flag bingo she'd have damn near a full card. 

One good thing about the new boyfriend...at least he's already married to someone else.  So there's that.

Curious....how long you been in step dtrs life?  That will be a major factor in what your role is moving forward.

Oh...up tp this point what were her plans for the future?  Any recent change of plans?

All the red flags.

I expected a “bad boy” phase.  You know, obnoxious camaro, nose ring, attitude.  This takes that to a whole new level.  She just doesn’t get that at 18 she doesn’t have the emotional tools to even recognize the casual manipulation at 31 year old drug dealer is capable of.  All she sees is that he’s nice to her and makes her feel good.  Literally straight out of “Player 101” handbook.

In reply to Ovid_and_Flem :

I’ve been in her life for 6 years.  All through junior high and high school.  We’ve worked hard to provide a loving, safe, stable home where kids feel they can be heard.  Where we do things as a group to enrich their lives.

She has been a challenging kid and being her fathers’ daughter has a bad tendency toward addictive behavior.  But we’ve tried so incredibly hard to have open communication and avoiding negative judginess.  

This is all really coming out of left field.

As a senior in HS, my daughter was all caught up in the drama of the little cliques of school. After a month in college, her whole world expanded and she put HS behind her like it was the Chicken Pox. Two years in, her old HS friends still get together to drink beer around a bonfire in the woods and complain about their jobs at the mall. She's going to Spain with her boyfriend for a vacation before working on campus while doing an internship in her field.

The point is: things that seem SO IMPORTANT as a senior will quickly dissolve into meaninglessness for someone with a good head on their shoulders.  Don't screw it up so close to the finish line! 

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

FWIW I was in your EXACT situatuIon TWICE.  WITH TWIN STEP DTRS from age 12.  Both stunningly beautiful (as in one of them modeled for Victoria's Secret at 16 in NYC), good grades,, rebellious at times, etc.  They are 27 now.  Both married and in good places.

But the stories i could tell.

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

I’m so sorry man. I know how incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking these situations are. 

Unfortunately the older I get, the more I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that people are gonna do whatever the berkeley they wanna do. And with dickheads like this one, the more people try to intervene, the more it plays straight into his “see, baby, they’re all against you. I’m the only one that really loves you” Bromeo & Juliet narrative. 

I’ve been dealing with similar E36 M3 with my sis-in-law for years. She could have any man she wants. She chose a berkeleying loser, alcoholic, lazy abuser whom she supports. 

Once a year she kicks him out, we all rally around her and support her, two weeks later he’s back in the house and she can’t go to work for a week because no one can see the black eye.

I’ve “tuned him up” more than once, but then he’s the “victim” and round & round we go.

My only advice is, echoing others, maybe mom can push birth control, and y’all let her know you’re there for her if she needs help or just wants to talk.

Also, I read a lot of good stuff just googling “helping women in abusive relationships;” Hopefully he’s not physically abusive, but a lot of it still applies.

In reply to KyAllroad (Jeremy) :

This is information for your survival during this process. You came into this child's life when she was 12. You've only been there for one third of her life at this point. While I have no doubt that you made every effort to accept her as your own and you love her in spite of her actions, this cold reality is that unless you come into a stepchild life when they are five or six or younger, you have very little influence on them despite what you think.  (I operated under this delusion myself for a while.)  Obviously you need to be supportive of your wife and her ordeal but the only duty you have to this child is to be civil to her. You're going to have very little influence. The die has been cast and you're not going to be a big part of guiding her except by example. Your advice will fall on deaf ears. So don't beat up on yourself as you seem to have a tendency to do in your prior comments. Good luck. It will work out one way or another.