One-liners that everyone in your family knows

"Where do these stairs go?"

"They go up."

"Have fun storming the castle!"

In reply to codrus (Forum Supporter) :

I came here to say that. Anytime one of us is leaving the house to do something specific like work, overthrow a dictator, etc. one of us will say that. Naturally followed by
"you think it'll work?"
"it'll take a miracle"

"Remember when I told you I was a E36 M3 magnet ..?" I remind Applewife what she married as wierd things start happening .

"Goodbye disgusting wife. Goodbye disgusting house." Courtesy of that degenerate that wanted to fistfight me in my driveway.

"Dirtier than your grandmother"

It's from a fight that happened in the pits after a race at Caraway Speedway.

Abridged version, there was a crash, then a fight and then one driver (Davin Scites) is pulling out of the track with his trailer, his dad is in the passenger seat. Second drivers (Jason York's) father shouts at the truck: "You're dirty, you're a dirty racer Davin Scites!" Davin's father "Your grandmother is dirtier than my son will ever be!" 

Total Classic, Davin didn't even slow down, nor was he rushing off, when this went down. For the record I was on Davin's side, he pulled off a great move then Jason wrecked him.

Any time my wife says "Its from Aldi's" my response is "That's NUTS!"

anything tech-related: "that's how the man gets you!"

"okay, it's your funeral"

to my wife I always tell her when I do any little thing for her........."you owe me"

when too many questions get asked........."what are ya, a cop?"

"That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works"

my kids after anything they don't understand or agree with. Glad I laughed at that commercial and it stuck with them....

"We aint found shipt!" 

My wife gets a kick out of it because I enjoy Mel Brooks and she enjoys random Star Trek trivia (which you might get.)

Maximum effort

when one of the kids doesn't think things through before acting:  "You're about to learn a valuable lesson."

when one of the kids chooses to be stubborn / argumentative when clearly wrong:  "*This* is the hill you choose to die on?"

*After a big meal*

"Glad I ate when I did, cause I'm not a bit hungry now."

We also always made fun of Aunt Charlotte because she had this nasal, sharp voice.  After a meal she would try to get us all to take home the leftover pie and she would always say "I don't like day-old pie."  It was her way of being insistent and generous by trying to make us believe she wouldn't eat it.  It's just the way her nasaly voice would say it.

My grandfather would often look at a cloudy sky and say "if it doesn't rain, it's missing a great opportunity."

Another one from Grandpa is "speaking of groundhogs..."  He was sitting talking with my dad on the farm about tractors or hunting or something that wasn't groundhogs.  In the middle of the conversation he said, "speaking of groundhogs," but no one had said a thing about groundhogs.  Total non-sequitur.  Now when anyone in the family wants to change the subject they always say, "speaking of groundhogs."

My sister and BIL were always very good, calm parents to my nephews, and the boys were aways pretty well-behaved.  If they did something bad, the repurcussion was usually removing a privilege and they would say it like "you're off TV for the rest of the night," or "you're off screens."  Carter was chasing Morgan one day with a stick and poking him (they were like 3 and 5).  My BIL told them to stop and Carter said "what... am I off sticks now?"  Now when someone does something dumb in the family, that phrase comes out.  Mom was parallel parking the car and hit the curb and one of us said "mom, you're off driving."

I have a hammer!

Lots of code switching but I'm not gonna put any of that. I'll share these though:

"Aint nobody came to see you Otis!"

"What you got on my 40 homie?"

"Thats what she said" 

"Mind the business that pay you"

"Now you know you done berkeleyed up right?"

"It be your own kids"

"If people don't like you if you bein yourself, berkeley EM!!!"

"You know how I know you're Black?"

I'm not going into context though lol. 

"That's the news from Lake Wobegon."  We all listened to that show on the car radio for 20 years.  Now that's an indication that we're out of things to say on the phone.

One year for Christmas my wife and I decided to get each other half a canoe. But with one thing and another we never got around to buying it. So afterwards we laughed at the money we had saved although we did get one eventually. But 20 years later when one of us has the other what they want for a birthday or Christmas the answer is usually 'how about another canoe?'

"HE JUST LEFT. WITH NUTS!"

E36 M3 in one hand and hope in the other and see which one fills up first.

Never confuse knowledge with intelligence.

My favorite....   not sharing a drink is like eating ass and not willing to use somebody else's toothbrush the next morning.

That'll buff out.

Well, they are alive and in pajamas.  Tag, you're in!

"It's called a lance....HELLO!!"

Q: " Guess what?"

A: "Chicken butt"

"He's gonna need a tire"

used when a car is destroyed. 

"Your hair looks nice."

Used when somebody enters a room just as the conversation ends and asks about the conversation or when they didn't hear something and ask you to repeat it.

"...but it ain't no Get Carter."

We saw the Sylvester Stallone movie at the theatre - whenever we see something with 'great stinkiosity' it's always referenced against Get Carter.