Paging LCSWs, LPCs, PsyDs, Psychiatrists, and other brain scramblers to the white courtesy phone

Vroomtap, you're speaking my language.  I have tried some serious mindfulness; breath awareness, sense awareness, etc.

As soon as I (for instance) stop and smell and try to think of what the experience is like, emotions wash over me.  I feel like I'm breathing underwater.

Every morning as I'm waking - but before I'm actually awake - I'm already overcome with thoughts of her.  Its like if I let go of a conscious distraction like playing my guitar, or doing something I mentioned above, I'm overcome with crippling panic and depression.

In reply to Curtis :

Curtis, I can truly say I've been there. That sense of panic as soon as reality becomes... real I guess... For me, it got so bad that functioning was impossible. What worked was temporarily getting on anti anxiety meds (I stress the temporary part) so I was well enough to learn some skills and have all the mindfulness work pay off some. Once I got some distance and therefore control over the internal dialog, I tapered off the meds. The side effects sucked. No denying that (nobody wants to be an emotional zombie). But when panic and debilitating anxiety are all you feel, you cannot have space to get better. You just need a little reprieve from the noise. Then you can get the benefits of the work.

That has been my experience anyway. I truly hope you find something that works for you. 

This sounds silly, but really isn't, and as someone who has traveled many rocky road, I am going to try it.

Last night on Ozzy and Jack's World Detour, they visited a meditation camp, coincidentally, in the mountains above my hometown. The "guru" (I don't know if that is the correct term), suggested the following.

Flail around, arms legs, head and hips all in random quick motion. Stop and say the following "I am not the body, I am not even the mind." Repeat.

It sounds silly, but that mantra can help. Your current mantra is "God, I'm so berkeleyed up, what is wrong with me?" Changing that, to give YOU distance both from this mortal coil, and the brain that is giving you so much grief may help. I know this is close to what some therapists suggest, but for me, I get less white beard syndrome than I get white coat syndrome. I'm not going to say be strong. Just be.

Also, I really want to see the HBO Robin Williams special. Bobcat Goldwaith is quoted as saying "His (Williams') brain was giving him misinformation." Hearing about others' struggle helps. I feel a bit better reading this thread. We all have issues unique to us alone.

Thank you, Wheelsmithy.  It doesn't sound silly.  I'm a freaky spiritualist so I assimilate that information well.  I know in my brain that it is so true.  My problem is that I can't get there.  My brain has defaulted into a mode of operation where I am no longer in charge.  So let's say I wake up, try flailing mantras and CBT to reprogram my day, right?  It doesn't work.  A metaphor:  Its like you have a problem with your PC and every time it boots into "safe mode."  In nearly all cases, (normal people's brains) there is nothing wrong with the software or hardware, its just a setting or a hardware conflict.  Normal people would contact a geek friend and they could walk you through fixing it by hitting the esc key during startup to enter the boot menu.  (analagous to working with a therapist).  You have all the software and hardware, so it's an easy fix.  In my case, I try to restart and hit the esc button to enter into the boot menu, but the escape button doesn't make it enter the boot menu.  So I call a geek friend (like speaking to a therapist) but they can't figure out why my PC won't enter the boot menu like every other patient's computer does. I feel like I have something in my bios (brain) that is missing - as if the string of 1s and 0s that makes the esc key work is missing from the operating system.  Some piece of trauma or lacking synapses that refuses me access to the boot menu.  So I keep booting into a mode that doesn't load the drivers for my emotion card and logic card which means things like CBT and Mantras don't work.

Normal people need a geek to help them fix an incompatibility by accessing the boot menu.  I feel like my brain lacks the string of programming that allows me to enter the boot menu.  Therapists keep saying, "just hit the esc key," and I say "I did but it isn't working."  This is equivalent to them saying, "just use this CBT, or flailing mantra" and my saying "that doesn't work."  The therapist assumes I'm just not really trying.  I need someone who believes the improbability that I have 1s and 0s missing and knows how to help me put them back.

There it is.  The best metaphor I have ever made.

So, while I'm supposed to do this on my own with the help of a therapist, guru, friends, time, whatever, it isn't working.  Within this metaphor, what a normal person would do is use a geek friend to find the problem and fix it, or use a cleaner software to walk them through it (equivalent to working with a therapist).  In my case, there is a fundamental missing "1" or "0" in the binary code of my operating system.  I feel like I need someone who reads fluent binary to identify the missing digits and help me repair the vacancy in the code.  THEN, anyone could help me, or I could help myself.

Right now I feel like I keep reaching out to geeks (therapists) and saying "my esc button won't take me to the boot menu," and they all say "that isn't possible, just hit the esc key and trust me, it will work."  If I could just replace those missing 1s and 0s in my emotional history so that I could get to the boot menu like a normal person, I'd be on the road to reinstalling my emotion card and logic card drivers.

Curtis,

Try some blow and a trip to Vegas, Berlin, or Belgrade.

Have you read Michael Pollan's "How to change your mind"? Might be a worthy read to get some of your thoughts organized and with a good guide, a psilocybin journey may help reset the old computer. 

I went through some dark times as well. I don't know that there is an answer except to get up every morning and do it again. Stuart Smalley has wisdom- you are good enough, you are smart enough, and doggone it, people like you. But love yourself first. 

Curtis said:

So far the three therapists I've seen all keep trying CBT and it fails miserably.  In my brain, CBT only works if you believe what you are saying.  ....

But I don't believe it.  My emotions have complete rule over my brain.  CBT has been completely ineffective, and actually triggering and damaging right now.

an overview of DBT

give it a quick read, and know that there are no magic bullets.

good luck, my friend.

Curtis, The following is tough to say, and also, a bit of tough love, but I am going to speak to you as I often speak to myself.

I would first like to propose the idea that you may not be the best person to determine what ones and zeros you may or may not be missing. The brain is the most vastly powerful thing there is. I can't say known to man, as really, we know next to nothing about it. To the point, telling yourself that something is wrong with your brain will not get you where you need to be. 

Some of my favorite books, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy "Trilogy "by Douglas Adams, describe the secret to (a human) flying. The secret, in typical dry British wit, is to throw yourself at the ground, and miss. My point is that YOU can trick your brain. Diversion. you need diversion. You have far too much time to ruminate on this. You can get over Baltimore Girl. You just have to forget to hurt. "Just"-I have to laugh at that one. I know it can seem impossible, but it is not. Therapists are the answer for lots of folks, but ultimately, no one but you can fix yourself. Sure, you can get a personal trainer (therapist) for your brain, but ultimately, you are going to have to alter your diet, and lift the weight. 

Just be.