Parenting challenges during a pandemic, help please.

Sorry to get a little personal, but the regular support network of coworkers, neighbors, and family is non-existent at the moment and I realized that a lot of you are probably in the same boat.

I have had kids doing school at home for a full year now during the pandemic and I have been struggling with them. It doesn't help that we are blending families and lost our close neighbors with kids, too. I find myself having no patience and getting easily frustrated and irritated by the kids. What are you doing to manage both the kids (academically, behavior, socially) and your own sanity?

Thank you

I hear you.  For me, the greatest concern and cause for irritation is the watered-down education my kids have been getting for most of the last year.  We need to get the schools not only back open, but back to "normal".  Unfortunately, around here, the in-person experience will consist of kids in the physical classroom watching a zoom meeting with their teacher who will divide her attention between "virtual" learners and the kids in front of her in the classroom.  At the least, I had hoped that they would divide classes in such a way that in-person learners would get a "traditional" classroom experience.  

I would get in touch with elected representatives and the school board and let them know what your concerns are.  There seems to be a preponderance of evidence refuting any negative consequences of re-opening schools.  For this, I would blame the teachers' unions, who are pretty obviously putting their interests ahead of our kids' education.  

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/01/just-open-schools-already/617849/

https://fee.org/articles/teachers-unions-continue-to-block-school-reopenings-across-america/

We've been working to get any educators the vaccine however we can (getting signed up for a vaccine, even if you qualify, is not at all easy). That is, in our opinion, the easiest way to get schools back to normal and is something we can actually help with. 

Lil Stampie didn't deal well with virtual.  It was compounded by him starting a new school this year also.  Even though he had online (gaming with friends) connections it wasn't the same.  We sent him back the second quarter mainly so that he'd get that in person social interaction.  I felt more comfortable doing that knowing he's real good about wearing a mask.  Don't know if that helps at all but I at least understand how important social interaction is at that age and how much they need to be around other kids.

It's been a real challenge. We have been trying to make sure they keep up with their assignments, engage with friends in whatever way they can and try to encourage them to do things that don't involve "screens". With the weather getting better we will all try to get outside more.

For the adults in the household the best thing I found was a cheap inflatable hot tub off of Amazon. After the younger kids are in bed we can retreat out to it since there is little opportunity for date nights.

Man, I wish I could help, but I can't in any real way.  We thank our lucky stars every day that our kids were grown before this excrement hit the impeller.

Kids are stressful at the best of times.  I am firmly convinced that the divorce rate would plummet if couples understood that 85% of the strife in a typical marriage is caused by raising kids, and just put their heads down until the kids are old enough to take general care of themselves.

To take a shot at actually helping, I think it boils down to usual diciplinary strategy, except moreso, and against harder challenges.

Some suggestions:

1) Make school time as formal as you can.  It sounds stupid, but maybe make your kids walk to "school"?  Go through the motions of getting dressed, having breakfast, and then everybody goes out the door and walks around the block once.  When you get back to the house you're not home, you are at school now.  School demeanor is expected during school time.  Walk with them as if you were dropping them off to help minimize shenanigans.

2)  Keep a classroom schedule and do your best to have consistent start / stop times.

3)  Build in recess so they can blow off steam in the middle of the school day.  No kid can sit in the same room all day.  Hell, most adults can't.

I'm sure none of this is news to you.  Sorry.

We homeschooled before, and during the pandemic, and will continue afterwards.

It is tiring. It is hard. Your kids are mean to you, and they get on your nerves. The best thing to remember is that you have to be the adult in the room, because, you know, you are in this case. That means you can't have any anger/frustrated/annoyed reaction. You know how one kid chews loud (or whatever) and the other kid goes nuts because he can't just deal with it, and you wish he'd just grow up? It's like that, but multiplied by fifty for a Dad.

That sounded more pointed than it is intended to be. Basically, there's nothing wrong with the kids. They are slowly making their way to adulthood, and sometimes that slowness is going to feel glacial. Sometimes it will feel like it's going backwards. Rewind, in your mind, to something two years ago, and realize how much better things are likely now. Then fast forward in your mind that they'll be even more than that much improved two more years on.

I'll ditto the structure and the outside time.

Everything else is really too subjective based on the kids and parents for me to offer anything useful. Try a bunch of stuff and see what sticks. Chores, allowance, mandatory exercise, mandatory favors they have to do for others during the day, rewards of play time, rewards of a lost chore, rewards of an outing with Mom or Dad. These are all things we have tried, and have worked with varying degrees of success with different kids at different times.

Keep school time and routine as close as possible to school. Make a no gaming rule until after 1pm regardless if work is done or not for school.  Some sort of daily physical activity needs done every day be it walking the neighborhood, treadmill, etc.  We also started doing a family game night on Thursday nights that we all stop what we are doing and play family games.  Game night alone the kids look forward to now and always ask what we are doing for the next one. 

I came to the realization that this and last year are mostly lost. Their grades might be passing but I seriously doubt they are learning much.

The teachers are out of their depth and have pretty much left it all to the students, the parents, and the computer programs. My Sr. went back to school in the blended program because virtual wasn't working. Now the teachers don't show up 15% of the time and when they do, they let the computers do their job so he's back in the same boat. Of the last 3 weeks, the school computer system has been down 4 times. When that happens they just sit in class and do nothing. 

He will end up with a diploma but college is going to be a rude awakening if he decides to go. 

Edited to say: Concentrate on the emotional and understand that the scholastic situation might suffer in the short term. As the emotional situation at our house has improved, the scholastic situation is improving as well. Not as much as I would like, but it is improving. 

Duke said:

1) Make school time as formal as you can.  It sounds stupid, but maybe make your kids walk to "school"?  Go through the motions of getting dressed, having breakfast, and then everybody goes out the door and walks around the block once.  When you get back to the house you're not home, you are at school now.  School demeanor is expected during school time.  Walk with them as if you were dropping them off to help minimize shenanigans.

2)  Keep a classroom schedule and do your best to have consistent start / stop times.

3)  Build in recess so they can blow off steam in the middle of the school day.  No kid can sit in the same room all day.  Hell, most adults can't.

This sounds a lot like how to successfully work from home as well. Which is exactly what it is, really. Separate work from not work, school from not school.

I agree that the past year will have long-term effects on kids, especially of a certain age bracket. I have a niece who is 17. She's never had a job because that wasn't possible last summer. As far as I know, she's never been on a date. This whole thing kicked off right when she hit the age where you usually become more social and start acting like a prototype adult. And she's going off to university next year. It's going to be an eye-opener. Her younger sister and brother will fare better, I suspect.

I don't have kids of my own so I can't help with actual experience. Just sympathy. We're all trying to figure this out as we go along, but adult-only households have it far easier.

"Ok, kids.  It's 3:00.  School is out.  Now, get out of the house until suppertime.  I don't want to see you anymore today, and you don't want to see me.  Try not to die"

Gasoline, lighters, lighter fluid, knives, occasional Playboy magazine, matches, M80's, cigarettes, lysol can and a lighter and a pocket full of bubble gum.  

That was just 5th grade.  

1988RedT2 said:

I hear you.  For me, the greatest concern and cause for irritation is the watered-down education my kids have been getting for most of the last year.  We need to get the schools not only back open, but back to "normal".  Unfortunately, around here, the in-person experience will consist of kids in the physical classroom watching a zoom meeting with their teacher who will divide her attention between "virtual" learners and the kids in front of her in the classroom.  At the least, I had hoped that they would divide classes in such a way that in-person learners would get a "traditional" classroom experience.  

I would get in touch with elected representatives and the school board and let them know what your concerns are.  There seems to be a preponderance of evidence refuting any negative consequences of re-opening schools.  For this, I would blame the teachers' unions, who are pretty obviously putting their interests ahead of our kids' education.  

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/01/just-open-schools-already/617849/

https://fee.org/articles/teachers-unions-continue-to-block-school-reopenings-across-america/

So, I don't want to flounder or derail this thread but I feel a need to point out that the teachers that I know personally really want to return to school but they and the union that represents them are concerned about the following

• The faculties are not large enough to support any kind of social distancing.  In fact many classrooms are over capacity without social distancing
• Many classrooms have inadequate air circulation/filtration systems.  They don't even have windows that can be opened
• There's insufficient technology to support the simultaneous teaching of on-site and remote students. Remote students are going to have an even worse experience and the on-site kids will have to suffer with compromised lessons as well
• Some teachers are concerned about their own health.  The number of teachers that have pre-existing conditions that put them solidly in the CDC high risk group is both sad and alarming.

There really isn't any good solution and going back full time may in fact be the best compromise but, at least here in New Mexico, it's not selfishness (except for the fear of dying) that's keeping the teachers from pushing to go back full time.  It's also worth noting that studies done in countries that have better facilities may not be directly applicable to the US.

We're probably going to make the kindergartener repeat kindergarten next year. 

This year had been all but useless for her learning virtually, and she was surprisingly one of the better students in her class. She's not old enough or mature enough to differentiate that school time is school time, despite being at home. I went so far as to look into boarding schools, and learning that "low income" is the PC way to say "African American"and no boarding school will actually board the kids until 5th grade at the earliest, even military schools.

Once they went back to in person in Januaryish, she was done with virtual period. Snow days turned into virtual? She wouldn't even sign in, not worth the fighting. It was just a constant, months long battle that was destroying the relationships and mental health of everyone in the house, with no real positives at all.

The 7th grader excelled with virtual instruction though, aside from gym, which she just refuses to do virtually or in person. 

Our experience echos tuna's.  We started homeschooling before the crazyvirus, and plan on continuing it afterwards.  For us, the biggest issue has been finding other families to socialize with.  So many people we counted as friends before have basically cut off all ties and quarantined.  Or, at least, that was their excuse.   I think we smell, bad and they didn't want to be near us anyway.    So now, as we're slowly starting to get back out into society, the little VCHs see kids and act sort of like the little feral kid in Mad Max. 

Kids are really tiny humans.  They haven't perfected any of the normal interactions that we adults have (in theory...) so they act according to whatever impulse strikes them that instant.  The biggest thing is...they WANT to help.  So, finding ways to let them help, as challenging as it is, is the best way to sort-of channel their energy into something productive.  It's a lot like being a manager at work, and having tasks to delegate to employees, even though you know you can do the tasks faster and better.  But you have these small, not-completely-developed people you have to have around, and you have to keep them occupied.  Its far better to have them do the dishes, even if you have to go back after they're asleep and redo them to clean off the hamburger helper they missed on the bowls, than it is to be screaming at them to stop spitting into each others' mouths because they're bored and you told them not to help in the kitchen because they do a bad job. 

I have co-workers who virtual school and...it sucks.   We spend maybe 2 hours a day on actual school stuff, and the rest of the time, they're either helping us or outside getting into creative trouble.  Kids don't care about weather.  My 6 year old will run outside in a skirt and bare feet when it is 40 degrees outside, because it's "sunny".  My 4 year old will ride his bike in the snow. 

Mrs VCH has found a few new friends who are open to getting together with kids, and as the weather is getting better, we're trying to find playgrounds and other activities to get the VCH-lettes out, socializing, and releasing energy.  When I read to them at night, if they fall asleep while I'm reading, I take that as a win. 

We went homeschooling this year since I didn't see my son being able to pay any attention over a Zoom call. Unfortunately I don't have that much advice about the actual process, as I've been going in to the office while my wife has been teaching the kids - she definitely has the harder job here. 

Not sure how old your kids are. I'm sure teenagers would likely be the toughest to deal with. Luckily with my kids they've been allowed to go back to school in person. 

Prior to that we were trying to challenge them in the most creative ways possible to keep them busy. "I bet you can't build a lego mansion" or heres a kids version of an arduino with a kids coding book. That took my oldest kid a couple weeks to figure out and it was glorious. They figured out how to do basic Arduino coding and functions. 

The bottom line was to find ways to challenge them in an exciting manner. Elementary education via Zoom is a berkeleying joke. Teach your kids how to do taxes. 

As a society, we're starting to find out that 'education' is not the only service that the public school system provides. It may not even be the most important. 

As far as how to help, best I can offer is find a way to get back to your personal recovery time or whatever. Have some beers with friends (stand in the garage instead of going to a bar), wake up early in the morning to wrench on a project. Do not feel guilty about prioritizing this time. Mental health is like the oxygen masks on airplanes - you really do have to help yourself before you help the person sitting next to you.

In reply to APEowner :

I second this.  I have some family members who saw the CDC announcement that schools could reopen and then assumed it was OK to just go back to normal (and in some cases assumed it meant it had been safe all along), and then ignored all guidelines that were released along with the announcement.

A lot of schools are around here were built in the post WWII and baby boom era, so they have 60+ year old ventilation systems.   I haven't seen anything that suggests the schools have updated those or added UV filters.

None of the schools has magically gotten bigger, so I don't know how they plan to socially distance at full capacity.

They haven't hired any additional assistants, so good luck getting little kids to keep distance, wear masks, and wash their hands.

Robust testing and contact tracing... they'll try, but no plans yet.  ...which brings up the result of testing and tracing;  more quarantine for kids when there is a positive test.  Just look at college sports right now; one positive test and the whole team sits out a few games.    How many parents could go back to work, and then have to be home for two weeks again because of a kids classmate tested positive.  

I'll keep my kids out until fall.  We can swing it financially and remote learning is working pretty well for him.  I hope that frees up in school resources for the students who do need to be in school.

My son (kindergarten) has been back in school since November.  I'm thankful for this.  The school is taking this seriously with all of the necessary precautions.  Believe it or not, 5 year olds are pretty damn good at social distancing and wearing masks.  Its second nature for my son to wear a mask.  He takes it off/puts it on by himself, wears it correctly, doesn't fidget with it, etc.  He never complains about it.

As for the OPs question:  I don't have much advice.  when my son was doing remote learning, it was really difficult for me.  His mom/my ex could handle it and helped him with most of it thankfully.  When I had to help, it was a 100% full time job.  My brain does not multitask like that.

He learned fairly well remotely, and is learning pretty well in person.   Was remote learning perfect? berkeley no.  HUGE opportunity for improvement there, but IMO mostly technology/scheduling - not so much actual instruction.  I don't think there will be any long term damage from this.  The biggest struggle with the boy directly (not technology/scheduling/etc.) was just getting the energy out.  Only child and working parent = nobody to really hang out with/play with for a lot of the day.  Also nobody to socialize with, so when the opportunity finally came I would be bombarded with non. stop. talking. for 4 or 5 hours straight.

The only thing I do to help cope is find some physical stress release.  Gotta work out.  Makes a huge mental difference.

In reply to Javelin (Forum Supporter) :

We bus drivers have had to adjust the same as everyone. Here's what I've noticed. Kids who's parents actually  share time and experience  with them come through this better. 
     Parents are pulled so many ways. Their career/ job, work around the house, social relations with family and friends ( yes even if it's Skype or Zoom )  their children and hobbies.  I've seen hobbies/Social time replace child time especially when school work  is involved.  
I've seen the result of that. 
To be a parent you have to earn that right. Love comes first but discipline is required. Not the shouting I'm your parents stuff but setting a good example  by really listening to kids who don't know how to explain things. 
 

The kids are wearing on your nerves and you are getting frustrated. These are two separate things.  Find out some way to get them watched for a weekend and get youself a couple day break to start to recharge.  The best plans will still fail if you have no reserves to fall back on.

Fancy term is "respite."

Put your kids in a sport program. Its a life saver. You do end up driving them to and from, but they get exercise, it takes up a whack of time, they work off some energy and maybe even learn a useful skill.  I tell my kid (the only one left at home) that so long as he makes all his swim practices and gets good grades he can spend the rest of his day gaming. He keeps up his end and we keep up ours. 

RevRico said:

We're probably going to make the kindergartener repeat kindergarten next year. 

This year had been all but useless for her learning virtually, and she was surprisingly one of the better students in her class. She's not old enough or mature enough to differentiate that school time is school time, despite being at home. I went so far as to look into boarding schools, and learning that "low income" is the PC way to say "African American"and no boarding school will actually board the kids until 5th grade at the earliest, even military schools.

Once they went back to in person in Januaryish, she was done with virtual period. Snow days turned into virtual? She wouldn't even sign in, not worth the fighting. It was just a constant, months long battle that was destroying the relationships and mental health of everyone in the house, with no real positives at all.

The 7th grader excelled with virtual instruction though, aside from gym, which she just refuses to do virtually or in person. 

I have a kindergartner and 7th grader also.  My kinder was real young last year (19-20) and struggled with being mature enough to behave.  Leaving early compounded it.  No way I was going to do 1st grade online with him, fear was he was going to be 2 years behind.  We put him in kinder for a 2nd round this year (20-21) at a daycare/ kinder facility that was 100% in person.  It was fantasic for him.  If there is a question, it is better to do it now than later.

7th grader is opposite. Checks into class sometimes and is failing bad because, she doesn't care.  We start back in person with her Tuesday and I am hoping she picks up. She will most likely pass as the state of AZ got rid of letter grades because so many kids are failing.  If they held back all that did, it would severely screw up class sizes for next year, so they are going to pass them all.  

Our outlet has been keeping them in sports, oldest is competitive cheer and youngest jujitsu and now little league.  Gets them out past the kids in the neighborhood and keeps them positively engaged.   I don't know if it is right, but best I could do.  It is strange times and every kid and situation is different.

Robbie (Forum Supporter) said:

As a society, we're starting to find out that 'education' is not the only service that the public school system provides. It may not even be the most important. 

As far as how to help, best I can offer is find a way to get back to your personal recovery time or whatever. Have some beers with friends (stand in the garage instead of going to a bar), wake up early in the morning to wrench on a project. Do not feel guilty about prioritizing this time. Mental health is like the oxygen masks on airplanes - you really do have to help yourself before you help the person sitting next to you.

This is a great post and not getting enough credit. I've been having some late nights playing model trains or xBox with friends, to keep my sanity. "Me" time HAS TO be a part of your life, or you become a robot- an irritable, bored, miserable robot.

My son is 5 (6 next Friday), we were excited to get him to school because my wife was a stay-at-home mom his whole life and he never really had too much interaction with other kids. He started half day 4K last year but was cut short because of the Wuhan Wheeze. This year, his school started virtual, went to in-person 4 days per week from October-Thanksgiving, then virtual until mid-January, and has been back to 4 days since. We have noticed a huge improvement in his social skills since he has been in actual school. We also noticed he wants to spend a lot more time doing video gaming stuff (he's now into Minecraft) since he was virtual. Hopefully as the weather breaks, he will want to get outside more.

I don't know how you feel about religious education, but it may be worth looking into a local parochial school if they are in-session, even if its not full time. We already were planning on private school because the public schools near me are trash, and we are SO GLAD we went that route since the public schools in my area are still not in session.