Parenting - How Do YOU Do It?

OP, your posts definitely come off as a selfish dad unwilling to step up and do his part.

RE: Divorce.  My earlier post was tongue in cheek.  However, my ex an I did have some tension in our relationship from this and we did talk about it with a marriage counselor.  It came from the extremes.  Her view felt like she wanted 100% of my free (not-scheduled) time to be 'family' time.  This meant scheduling things like basic chores... mow the lawn, etc. And when those chores were finished and I wanted to just relax for a second - no deal, time to do family time.  I really valued my free time prior to my son coming along and to her it probably felt like I didn't want to be present as a father because I was still fixated on other BS.  The reality was somewhere in the middle for both of us.

Anyway, her view didn't align with how I saw parenthood.  I am totally ok with dad/son time, mom/son time, and family time, but it felt really hard to make that happen in our relationship.  It was definitely a communication issue.  As others here have said, work on your communication.  We were able to work on this to some extent.  I had to make concessions, or schedule in hobby time.

We are now divorced, but our relationship is better.  Not to go down that rabbit hole, but it doesn't have to be a negative thing.  There were other, bigger factors leading to the divorce, but one of the biggest things that came of it was regaining some of my personal time.  We have 50/50 custody.  I value the days my son is with me and its 95% dad/son time, and 5% get out of my hair so I can get a few chores done time.  The days when he isn't here I can do as I want.  That was a HUGE weight off my shoulders.  I still don't participate in hobbies at near the level I did pre-marriage, but its nice to have the option.  Honestly right now the biggest thing keeping me from participating in most hobbies is home ownership, not parenting.

All kids are demanding of attention at a young age, and giving them attention doesn't mean you are a pushover.  Its part of parenting.

What do you want?  To spend less time with the kid?  To get E36 M3 done?  Figure it out and have an honest discussion with your wife about it, but don't expect things to go back to normal.  Consider for the sake of your sanity/blood pressure/marriage putting of some of the things you have to do, paying someone to do them, or just moving the berkeley out of the house  (since it is a constant source of stress for you) and living in an apt. until the kid is older.  Now isn't the time to be trying to do all this yourself.

Op, I think what we are all trying to say is Lean In. Whatever brought you to fatherhood and what you expected from it does not matter... you're there. You can choose how you want to be as Dad, but whatever that choice, YOU ARE THERE NOW. You have to select that path and stick the landing. It is far too late for you to be choosing a he said, she said path out/away from it. And if you want the "save the marriage and the child" path, that's decades of micro adjustments, give and take, possibly counseling to help at the sticking points. It's worth it, but that's a hard sell.
Like I said, long view: Where are you all in 15-20 years? See it and choose it. So simple, so hard. I would start, if I were you, with sharing all this with your wife.

Margie

My wife and I are very different parents but we balance each other out. We both spend 70% of our off work time going to sports, the kids are priority number 1 time wise for both of us. I was thrown out of our E36 M3ty housing in the morning and didn't/couldn't be home until dinner. I hated my parents as a kid and spent most of my time fighting with other project kids. I swore I would never ignore my kids. My wife was smothered and wasn't even allowed to leave her yard until 14. My kids get a balance of that.

where we disagree is danger level allowed in there lives. I rode bmx (mostly street), started driving at 14 and in general did high risk things so I allow the twins a lot more freedom in there love of stunt scooters and bicycles. She would still require a full set of pads for everything if it was up to her. We have never let our differences cause friction 

When my wife and I found out we were expecting, I was prosecuting abuse/neglect cases for child protective services.  We had the following conversation: Her: Do you think we'll be good parents?  Me: Sure, we won't cook meth in the bathtub or allow child molesters to watch our kids, we'll be fine.  Her:  I'm thinking we should have higher standards than that.

Who was right?  Both of us.  In one sense, my wife was hoping for a level of perfection that is both impossible to meet and (IMHO) destructive to children.  Making them the center of the universe makes for selfish and helpless young adults.  On the other hand, as many have already pointed out, your kids are only young once.  As much as it seems like they are consuming every waking moment (and, likely, they are), blink twice and they'll be asking for the keys and pretending like you don't exist.  Your time to impact their lives is MUCH shorter than you think it will be.  As an outsider, it seems to me you and your wife need balance.  She probably needs to step back, you need to step forward.  Buy a pull-behind and take the munchkin with you on bike rides.  Stop and look at streams, baby animals, playground and pick mom some "flowers" while you are out.  Make sure mom knows she should take a bath, take a walk or listen to a non-work related pod cast while you're gone.  She needs to re-charge.   At our house, what mom needed was for me to wrestle with the boys or take them for a bike ride and help them bleed off some energy.  I spent what seemed like half my life with them at the local air museum on weekends or circling the neighborhood on bikes after work.  As much as it seemed like a chore at the times, I can't tell you how much I miss it.  

Also be aware that three is an exhausting age.  The chatter is constant, the need for supervision is constant,  and you start to get the first real testing/rule push back.  They're starting to have the mind of a kid in a toddler's body, so the need for a nap or a snack is enough to make them positively unbearable.  One thing you absolutely need to do is make one place in your house where they can be unsupervised for a least a few minutes without getting into trouble.  At our house, it was the "play room".  It was always a disaster, but a safe disaster.   But here's the cool part: First, it does get better.  Eventually, if you are doing it right, they start to become a bit more independent.  Second, if you slow down a bit and spend time with them, you start to get glimpses of their personality, and that's cool.  Third, someday, when they don't "need" you as much, you'll actually miss it.   I'd give a weeks pay for one of my boys to challenge me to a wrestling match.

pheller said:

Robbie (Forum Supporter) said:

Can you re-frame the conversation as "what's best for kid" rather than "what's best for you"?

Most definitely. It means giving up hobbies and interests and to a certain extent, paying someone else to do projects.

I think you've missed my point a little. I'm definitely not advocating you cut back on getting the time you need (as mentioned, you need to keep yourself sane in order to parent at all).

Big difference between:

1. "I'm going to put kiddo in a room with 3 toys for the next 15 minutes while I clean the bathroom. I'm going to tell them that playing by themselves is an important skill to learn and I will make sure the room is otherwise safe, and I'll be listening the whole time."

2. "I need 15 minutes to clean the bathroom. Kiddo needs to figure it out. Heck, my dad was never even home so I was practically wandering the Savana at this age. This kid's basically got life on a golden platter compared to me."

Extreme example I know, but hopefully shows what I'm getting at. #1 is about kiddo. #2 is about you. In both scenarios kiddo is alone for 15 minutes while you clean the bathroom. (And let's be honest no 3 year old will leave you alone for 15 minutes if the tv isn't on, and no bathroom can get cleaned in 15 minutes either but we can all dream ok?)

Still working thru this ourselves. I'm trying to rock my 9 m/o to sleep as I clumsily type this. I don't have much to add but I would feel remiss not giving it a shot since that's a good, humble question. 
 

It sounds to me like you two need to have some brutally honest conversations. It wouldn't hurt to throw a few hundred at a marriage counselor to be a mediator for a few sessions.

Since you currently find it hard to be all-in with them, do yourself a favor and make it a scheduled 20-30 minute daily task to have a special one-on-one play time where you are physically on their level and you join THEM in what they choose. It makes them feel good that daddy cares about them, and enables you to be all-in because you know there are limits to it, no matter how boring it can be at times. 20 minutes really isn't that much to ask. 

So, I am tapping this out at 11pm while rocking my 6month old who just finished cutting his first tooth and seems to be retaining gas something awful. And it's after I just spent 2 hours convincing my almost 3yo to go to sleep. And I gotta get up and log in for work at 6am.

You won't like this, but you need to meet your wife in the middle. It also sounds like you might want to think about if your wife needs a little help with anxiety. She needs to step back and relax a bit and you need to step in a bit. She likely won't feel like she can step back if you won't step in, anxiety drives that way. I also know that if I suggested my wife stop working to be a homemaker she would resent it (in our case we both work full time and make similar money). You need to have a good levelset of your wife's needs in life and out of a career and respect it. It may mean you need to lean in more than if she was a home maker. Home maker is a full time job+, it all still needs to get done if both work.

There's a lot to be said for kids self soothing, and being self sufficient but even the best 3yo will have a limited capacity (and a big capacity for getting into what they shouldn't). You dont need to active play at all times, but should a goodly percentage and supervise the rest.

While kids definitely need to have some independence and learn how to keep themselves occupied, 3 is too young for that in my opinion. Kids do a ton of developing up to about the age 5, they are sponges soaking up everything around them. Your wife has the right idea, modeling behaviors and teaching routines. They need that base before they start developing independence. As they get older, you can slowly introduce more and more independence, but it really depends on the kid. They are all different, and respond to different approaches. Have your daughter "help" you more when you are doing your tasks. My kids loved helping with yard work. I'd have them find and pick up sticks, or they would follow me with their toy lawn mower. When working on the car, they would hold tools, help me pump the jack, hold a flashlight (needed or not.) My avatar picture is of my daughter "installing" a turbo on her Little Tikes car while I worked in the garage. When my kids were born, I changed my life to make sure I could be the best dad I could be. My wife and I changed careers to ones that were more conducive to family life. I stopped racing cars. My last time participating in any kind of event was at a 24 Hours of Lemons race when my wife was 8 months pregnant with my now 13 year old. I didn't take a long break because I had to, but because I wanted to. I'd rather spend the time and money with my kids. Now they are getting older, I can't wait to start up again, and get them involved. Now, even with all of that commitment, it's still been a struggle. My three kids are all very different and require unique approaches. None are like I was as a kid, so everything I thought I knew was almost useless. My wife and I agreed on most things, but we have been almost polar opposites when it comes to freedom and responsibility. While I agree with your wife now, I think that it needs to shift a bit in your direction as your daughter gets older. My wife was/is very overprotective, and it's been a constant battle to get my kids, 8, 12, and 13, to be more independent and responsible. She's finally coming around and they are making progress, but the older ones are a bit behind in my opinion.

I found myself sympathizing with both you and your wife as I read the OP. We are similar ages, and similar situations (our daughter turns 3 tomorrow), but I'm typically the one that spends more time with our daughter in our house. My wife works 50+hr/wk at a stressful job, then does online schooling (just 10 more weeks until she graduates, and then we can hopefully catch our breath...maybe). I work 45hrs/week at a job that I'm overqualified for but offers low stress and stability so that I can do more around the house/with our kid. It's still a struggle. I work 10+hrs/day, pick up kiddo from the sitter, cook dinner while trying to keep a 3 year old entertained (she actually loves to help any way that she can). After dinner my wife is usually present, but often distracted with work/school stuff so it's typically more daddy/daughter time. When kiddo goes to bed, I'm usually not far behind, and there are more than a handful of days where I feel like a single parent, or there have been times when I've felt like my wife is prioritizing her career over her family. (I'd bet your wife might have some similar feelings. Probably should ask her.) I'm lucky enough to have Fridays off work, and they used to be the days that I'd get E36 M3 done, or took time for myself to relax or enjoy hobbies. Now, they're almost always daddy daughter days and a lot less progress is made on house/car projects. It basically means that the house project that I started takes at least three times longer to finish than I thought it would (which is at least 6 times longer than my wife thinks it should take). But, you know what? My kid deserves my attention a lot more than some inanimate object or task that's pretty trivial in the scheme of things. Especially during these formative years. She's my project now. Instead of pouring myself into creating this unique vehicle/home project/etc, I get to pour that same energy into my kid to create a unique human being that gets complimented everywhere we go and will hopefully turn into a decent person and productive member of society. I get way more pride and fulfillment from somebody telling me that my kid is awesome than I did when somebody would say the same thing about my truck or my latest completed project around the house. Maybe it would help you to think of parenthood as a huge project rather than a burden or distraction that keeps you from getting other things done?

I also agree with the posters that suggest you need to communicate with your wife and try to put yourself in her position a little. My wife wants to have an identity and accomplish things outside of motherhood. (I'd bet your wife might have some similar feelings. Probably should ask her.) She's doing big things at work, but at the same time she feels tons of pressure and guilt about not being a good enough mom while maintaining a career that's important to her. She feels like a failure for not being both the rockstar career woman and rockstar mother than society tells her she should be, even though she's doing just fine. ( I'd bet your wife might have some similar feelings. Probably should ask her.) And I feel a sense of failure too because I can't get as much done as I used to and the projects and honey-do list are always adding up faster than they're getting completed, and we're spending a bit more than we have to so the savings rate is a little down. It's required both of us to change our priorities and let some things go.

It's been difficult, but it's required me to give myself a little grace. It's required me to sacrifice a lot of what I'd normally want to do. It's required me to listen to what my wife needs and take on a lot more of the household chores (I shop, cook, clean, vacuum, etc in addition to the typical "man of the house" jobs like household/vehicle maintenance and lawn care). It's taught me to value outsourcing tasks (using the dishwasher instead of washing dishes by hand, or setting up the roomba to vacuum instead of having to do it myself) so that I can have more time to do the things that really matter. And if I'm benefiting from outsourcing small household tasks to appliances and robots, then I also benefit from outsourcing other projects to skilled professionals. That might mean that I pay what feels like a lot of money to somebody else to do something that I'm confident I could do for way less. It might mean that the project just doesn't get done for a few years. I think it's just part of this season in our lives. As our daughter ages, and my wife completes her schooling we should have a bit more free time and hopefully better balance. Things will get better, but it's still a ways off. I'm confident that with some better communication between you and your wife, and some sacrifice on both of your parts, it can get better for you too.

Streetwiseguy said:

"Dad, 'm hungry."

"Whatcha want?"

"Sammich."

"Peanut butter?"

"Yeah. With jam."

"Lets go make it.  You can spread the peanut butter."

 

The previous is a fantasy for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is there has never once been a three year old who knows what they want to eat. 

This made me laugh because my about to turn 3 year old and I have nearly this exact conversation about once/week. We keep the peanut butter on the lowest shelf in the pantry so that she can get it out on her own while I get the bread and jelly. Giving kids the opportunity to help with these tasks is so important. It empowers them and shows them that it's important to contribute around the house. It's slow, but I'm convinced that it's the best way.

There is no magic amount of time to spend with kids that is "correct".  Mine are all teenagers+ now with 2 out the door, one on the threshold and one 16, and I'm starting to get real feedback from them about how they have viewed their childhood.  

When my 2 were little, I included them sometimes, gave them a safeish space to explore their world in at other times, spent 15-20 minutes reading them bedtime stories nearly every night, and then closing the door.  At 1-3, they were expected to be in their rooms with the lights off after X pm.  This sounds harsh but I never had to deal with a multi hour bedtime ordeal.

So my advice is to be there but not smothering, kids need rules and boundaries but really need to explore and learn on their own.  So between you and your wife it sounds like you need to lean in a bit and she needs to pull back a lot.  The two of you need to communicate that (largely so she can recognize you are doing what you feel is correct and doesn't resent what she may see as uneven effort).

Good luck, it's a marathon not a sprint and there are many many chances to guide kids constructively.  Let them know you love them and don't sweat it too badly from one day to the next.

In reply to pheller :

You are both wrong, both out of balance, and really need to reign this in quickly. 
 

The good news for both of you is that you have a partner who will challenge you, and draw you towards the middle, towards more balance. View it as an opportunity for compromise and balance, not a disagreement or conflict. 
 

And get some counseling. You don't even realize you need it yet, but you do. 

In reply to pheller :

BTW, YOU may prefer teenagers to babies, but it is highly unlikely your teenagers will prefer you. It's just the way it happens. 
 

Invest in her now while she adores you. You will have a better chance when she's a teenager. 

OP said:

"She's a very duty-driven individual, and prioritizes our 3-year old daughter above nearly everything - aside from maybe work (which is part-time, but very intense workload), which she currently hates, stresses her out, and keeps her up at night (I've suggest she quit to regain her sanity). She won't eat. She won't sleep. She won't give herself "me time" - it's all kid 100% of the time when she's not working. If she does a chore during that time, kiddo is involved, which massively slows down the chore, or makes for a frustrating experience."

My $0.02? 

If each parent moved a bit toward the other parent's direction it would work out  Dad is more involved, not leaving the kid so alone while he lives life and Mom gets to relax a bit knowing the child is cared for.  THE CHILD (the subject, right?) will learn that the universe does not twirl around her and she needs to learn to entertain herself.  This skill will help all through life.  If at three she learns to toss a tantrum at will, it's a looong road.

Have we all met overprotective parents that say "Oh, my teenager wouldn't do that!" after we witness some broken glass, rock throwing or bicycle stealing.  Now's the time for correction.

pheller said:

I sorta see kids as a "hobby", just like any other voluntary pursuit.

Did your child volunteer to be born?

I will be honest, when I read this yesterday I almost emptied the magazine at you.

I withheld fire, though, and in the meantime you have been offered a lot of excellent, measured, and insightful advice by people who aren't me.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to read it carefully and take it on board.

I think this entire thread is off track. 
 

Reading between the lines, it's pretty clear that you are frustrated with your wife, and she is frustrated with you. Your marriage is not where it should be. 
 

Work on the marriage. The issue is not the kid. Fix the marriage and the parenting will fix itself. 
 

...and your "hobby" example sucks. Parenting and marriage ARE NOT hobbies. They are lifestyles. Darned right you are gonna have to dial back some hobbies. Develop a few new ones that include other people. 
 

I have always loved woodworking and dirt bike riding. Haven't done either since I had kids (34 years). But I started coaching soccer and baseball (I had no idea I liked those things), going to dance recitals (SO much fun), and got into cars and auto crossing because of my kids.  I did a lot of camping when I was single, and tried it for a while with family but it eventually petered out.
 

Life changes. Own it. Don't blame others for "taking" something from you. 

Not a parent here... but it sounds like the kid isn't the main problem. It sounds like a strained relationship with your wife is the main problem.

Going out on a limb, but I'm going to guess that part of the problem is that you feel low priority to your wife. That maybe you don't feel like you're loved and emotionally supported by your partner. As a result, you're reacting by pulling back and 'taking care of number one first'. As a result, she sees that as you pulling back, which means she needs to dedicate herself more. Which you see as pulling back... and the vicious circle tightens up. And it honestly sounds like the job taking advantage of her is worse than the kid.

It sounds like you both have some unhealthy things that you both need to address and work on together. At some point, one of you needs to break the vicious cycle, and then you both need to talk together.

I think you would do best talking to a counselor who can work with you each individually and then the both of you together.

Again, no kids, but my wife sounds similar to your's in that she's the type of person who will take on extra duties unnecessarily and stress about them as someone or some group uses her up. It has strained our relationship. Fortunately, she has realized she has a tendency to do this, and I can generally point out if she looks like she's starting that cycle. I'm not sure how to help your wife come to the same realization. Mine had to sort of figure it out on her own after she realized she was getting taken advantage of and not respected by a hobby group.

Were I in your shoes, I would probably look for a quiet moment - when neither of you is frustrated with the other - and remind her that you love her, she's your partner, and you want to be there for each other for the rest of your lives. Let her know that you've noticed things that seem to be making her unhappy, and that those things seem to put a strain on the relationship. I would focus on the "part time" job that is taking advantage of her. Focus on the negative effect of that on her and on your *relationship*, but not on *you*. Talk to her about what she cares about and prioritizes most. Remind her to put your relationship on that list. Talk to her about how you're going to work together to both take care of your shared priorities. If this seems like it's going to be difficult or become a fight... step back. Suggest that it might be valuable to bring in an impartial third party who can help you keep perspective.

In reply to Beer Baron :

So much wisdom from a guy who makes beer and has no kids!

There is a lot of good info here, so I wont type out a novel restating points that have already been made.

You and your wife are different. Me and my wife are different. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. We work together and our differences make for kind of a yin and yang parenting style where we balance each other out. You can do that too. 

Raising kids isn't a hobby. It's a responsibility that has to take priority. That doesn't mean you have to give up the things you enjoy, you just have to change how you do the things you enjoy. My friend put a tv in the garage, when he is working on cars he puts on a show the kid likes, they hold the light, etc. and when the kid gets bored with "helping" they watch a little paw patrol. But kids at that age want to be around dad and want to be involved. Sure it slows you down, but so what. If the remodel takes two months instead of one is it the end of the world? When something does need done right now mom will understand. Especially if you are doing your part other times. Try this, friday help get the housework done, then saturday take the kid on a bike ride and to play at the park (or whatever, get the kid out of mom's hair and let it burn off some energy) see if you dont have a more harmonious household afterwards.

When my kids were young, we didn't cater to them at all. They were not the center of the universe. They were members of the family, and the family was the center of the universe. 

Sometimes we did kid things. Sometimes we did mom things. Sometimes we did dad things. We almost always did them as a family. 

Making the child the most important member of the family is a mistake. It is an unrealistic view of life and your sole job as a parent is to prepare the child for life. They need to grow up like they will have to live. They can be spoiled and think they are the center of everything, or they can be well adjusted and realize they are a member of a greater whole. Be it the family, or their work place, or their family when they have one. 

You want to bike ride. Great, take your wife and daughter with you. Your daughter will love it and you will get to share something you find important with her. Maybe that bike ride isn't 50 miles on a road bike. Maybe it's a couple of miles around the neighborhood instead, but that is where it all starts. At 15 maybe she is dragging you out for that 50-mile ride. 

The wife want's to do her hobby? Great, do it as a family. You showing interest in her life makes it easier for her to show interest in yours. 

Kid want's to play sports? Guess what. The entire family gets to be interested in sports.

Everyone should have their time to shine but they should never think they are the only star.

A 3-year-old is at the age that she will be influenced by what you want to do. This is your chance to show her the fun things and the work you do and include her in them. 

The family that works and plays together, stays together. 

My kids got hauled around to everything we ever did. They were 5 and helping set up the autocross course, or the boat race, or road race, or whatever. We camped, went to tractor shows, ball games, shopping, the works.

Now at 34, 29, 21, and 17, three of them were members of my last lemons team. We still work and play together constantly and the family is still the greater whole. Now we drag the grandkids to everything. 

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to pheller :

BTW, YOU may prefer teenagers to babies, but it is highly unlikely your teenagers will prefer you. It's just the way it happens. 
 

Invest in her now while she adores you. You will have a better chance when she's a teenager. 

No words were ever spoken that held more truth than this. 

I would also like to add the following. 

Expose your daughter to everything. Don't be so focused on one or two activities that she isn't exposed to all the other possibilities in the world. 

Throw the ball. Rollerskate. Wander antique stores. Go to a play or car show. Take her to a drag race. Go camping

Give her all the experiences you can. She is a blank slate that you will be writing the early memories to. You have a surprisingly short number of years to load her with memories that she will cherish for a lifetime. Don't make them all sitting at home, or working in the yard, or riding bikes. Do all the things.

One of them may well fire a passion that will be with her for life. 

Beer Baron said:

Were I in your shoes, I would probably look for a quiet moment - when neither of you is frustrated with the other - and remind her that you love her, she's your partner, and you want to be there for each other for the rest of your lives. Let her know that you've noticed things that seem to be making her unhappy, and that those things seem to put a strain on the relationship. I would focus on the "part time" job that is taking advantage of her. Focus on the negative effect of that on her and on your *relationship*, but not on *you*. Talk to her about what she cares about and prioritizes most. Remind her to put your relationship on that list. Talk to her about how you're going to work together to both take care of your shared priorities. If this seems like it's going to be difficult or become a fight... step back. Suggest that it might be valuable to bring in an impartial third party who can help you keep perspective.

Excellent post overall.   You've covered the relationship part well, and I'd like to expand on the bit about work taking advantage of her part.

My approach which has worked with this (to make someone understand that they were being way overworked) was to ask if they'd walk through a logic tree of yes or no questions.  I literally said (and I know it sounds cliche), "I'm not attacking you with any of this, I'd just like to see if you agree or disagree.  I'm going to keep it to 5 yes/no questions, and then we can talk about the answers afterwards."   Know that all the answers are going to be "Yes, but.." so you have to be able to have the "Yes or no, discussion is afterwards." conversation.

• Is the goal of a company to make as much money as possible while spending as little as possible?
• Did you agree to work X amount of hours for X amount of pay?
• Are there too many tasks to accomplish inside of the X hours?
• Are you over-paid per hour?
• Is the company taking advantage of you by "requiring" you to get more done than the agreement states?

Now you can help guide that discussion as needed, with by starting with "okay, so we both agree on the high points, what do you think would happen if you didn't get all the additional work you take on after hours?"  And from there, you can expand on any of those points above. 

That may help her realize that she's de-valuing her time, she's rewarding the company for not properly staffing for the workload, etc.   

I think some have gotten the wrong idea about my situation but the advice and various viewpoints has been appreciated.

pheller said:

I think some have gotten the wrong idea about my situation but the advice and various viewpoints has been appreciated.

I really hope you don't end it there. 
 

Nobody "got" the wrong impression. You used words which GAVE people a particular impression. 
 

Those words are important. They are red flags. They are signals for stuff that is going on for you that you may not even realize. 
 

Do you realize your words are expressing resentment toward your wife?  Do you realize your words are sounding self absorbed?

I'm sure you didn't, because none of us ever see it when it begins happening in ourselves. 
 

The good news is that you've got some friends who have just pointed it out to you, and now you can do something about it. Don't blow it off by saying "you guys got the wrong impression". There is trouble underfoot.  You can do something about it.