Parenting - How Do YOU Do It?

In reply to pheller :

Your wife may well be scared that if she gives up her job to stay home with the kids, that will be all there is to her life. She may be pushing you to do more for that reason as well. And that is perfectly understandable and acceptable. She has needs and wants, let her have them. 

My point is, kids don't have to mean the end of life for the parents, either parent. Yes, how you do things will change. You will get less done in the yard because kids slow you down. Your bike riding will change. The movies you watch will change. You will learn patience. And that's OK as well. Pull your child and your wife into your circle. For a little while, you are not I, you are "we" and "we" needs to include the children. Show excitement in your wife's wants. Show excitement in your wants. If you do, your daughter will also learn that excitement. Then when she is that especially irritating 13-16, you will have a fun common ground to meet on. 

That does not mean you can't go off by yourself and do what you want. I always have, and it gets easier as the kids grow up. My wife does as well. I'll disappear for a Saturday or a weekend and no one misses me. But frequently my grumpy, smart-ass 17-year-old will ask what I'm doing for the weekend. Then he asks if he can come with me. At 53, that's still one of the best feelings in the world. 

pheller said:

I think some have gotten the wrong idea about my situation but the advice and various viewpoints has been appreciated.

None of us know your precise situation. We know we're getting a limited snapshot of it from one point of view. We know you are biased (like every human). So we're trying to fill in the gaps.

I think most of us have judged that the core issue isn't just parenting style differences. Pretty sure *every* couple has differences in parenting style. There is no one single best parenting style. Many parenting styles work well. I'd bet that the best thing for a kid is when their parents have different, but complimentary parenting styles.

You could probably adjust or improve your's, because no one is perfect. But I suspect it is functional. I think you realize that. I think you realize your wife's style is imperfect but functional, which says that isn't really your problem with her. I'd bet that deep down, she realizes that your style is imperfect but functional, so that isn't HER problem with YOU either.

So, we're stuck trying to read between the lines and figure out your actual problem. You've complained more about the part-time job than the parenting or kid. That's a flag.

One thing for certain... we can't solve your problem. You and your wife are going to have to figure that out together.

pheller said:

I think some have gotten the wrong idea about my situation but the advice and various viewpoints has been appreciated.

That's an easy enough hypothesis to test... Have your wife read this this thread in its entirety, and let her be the judge.

I think the best way to work on our faults is to acknowledge them. If I sound self-absorbed, it's because I'm kinda being overly pessimistic and hard on myself. It's how I motivate myself to change. 

You also seem to bring up money/costs/expenses a lot in your frustrations. I don't know your financial situation, but it sounds like you are doing reasonably okay.

Kinda sounds like the money may partly be a control/anxiety thing. And believe me, I get it. I stress and worry about money way more than necessary. This isn't any sort of judgment. Just an observation that this may be something that you tend to stress around that likely leads to frustration. 

Not sure I have any advice to offer on that. Probably just something to be aware of. Figure out what is actually of concern and what you'd be better off just letting go. If there are wider anxieties around that, probably discuss them with your wife and how you'll both deal with them. Being aware that causing yourself anxiety saps emotional energy that you need to be a good husband and father.

Being aware of and discussing how you'll work as a team to handle your anxieties may also help her to be aware of and recognize the need to work together to handle *her* anxieties.

While I don't have kids, I've been a 3 year old daughter before. So I'm going to give some advice from that viewpoint. 

My dad was BUSY when I was little. He was working constantly to get a magazine up and running, and always out of town on business trips (or at least it felt that way to a needy 3 year old). My mom? Also incredibly busy with the magazine, but she didn't travel like dad. She stayed home with us, or took us to our grandparents' house, or brought us to the office with her. If anyone has an early issue with Lisa Frank stickers in it, that's probably my fault. 

When dad was home, he'd take us to the arcade, or bike riding, or to the movies. Mom came too for lots of it, but sometimes it was just us and dad so she could recoup at home. And that man had(still has) very time consuming hobbies. I cannot even tell you the number of cars that passed in and out of our lives that he restored. He tried to get both me and Tom interested in these hobbies, and to an extent it worked out. Despite having a busy dad who was out of town a lot, I had an incredibly involved dad. He spent a lot of time with me when I was little, and it paid off in that I'm now an adult who actually still spends time with her dad.

TL;DR If you want a relationship with your adult daughter, have a relationship with your toddler. 

My control over money has to do with being financially reasonable and logical. I'm a smart guy. I can figure things out. I'm pretty strong. I can do manual labor. I won't be young and fit for long, and then I'll need to pay people to do this work. 

I also have ADD. I take medication for it. It allows me to focus on the things I want to accomplish. It would make sense, from my rational mindset, that I should try to reduce my costs by doing as much of projects myself as I can. 

We have lots of friends who have rebuilt their fixer-uppers into great homes. My wife likes the idea of tailoring a house to match her vision. She doesn't understand that our friends who did that did so by having grandparents watch their kids, or even in home-nannies. Or they did that work while the kids were at daycare because Mom was feeling industrious. Or, in some cases, because Dad casually watched the kids while laying flooring. 

But, I completely understand when people say "they aren't this age forever, enjoy it now" 

My wife and I have come to agreement that we will spend her salary (roughly 32k) on hiring contractors to do the work so that I might be freed up to spend more time with kiddo. 

pheller said:

My wife and I have come to agreement that we will spend her salary (roughly 32k) on hiring contractors to do the work so that I might be freed up to spend more time with kiddo. 

This is wise.

I am not a parent, but I am a wife. So here's my $0.02.

Talk to your wife. Help her around the house. Start seeing yourself as a caretaker for your child and not just someone who has the option of taking care of them or leaving them alone. Because when you're leaving the child to "fend for themselves," you're really leaving them for your wife to worry about. She's not going to stop worrying about the child. That's not how moms work. Your child is a part of her body toddling around outside her and eventually away from her.

And if your wife says she wants to keep her career, stop trying to turn her into a stay-at-home mom/wife. She has a right to maintain a rich inner life just as much as you do, and she clearly wants that life to include both a job and her child. She is a provider and a caretaker. That's part of her identity. And I would bet anything that she's looking to you, her husband, her partner, to try and help her maintain that by making some adjustments to your life, just like she had to do in order to take care of your child.

Talk to her. Give her the support that she says she needs, not the support that you think she needs.

EDIT: Looks like you're on your way already in the time it took me to type this. Glad to see that.

pheller said:

I'm a smart guy.

My wife and I have come to agreement that we will spend her salary (roughly 32k) on hiring contractors to do the work so that I might be freed up to spend more time with kiddo. 

I know we're only seeing snippets of your life, but there are a lot of red flags in your posts. Agree with the others who have suggested some form of counseling. 

And there are some really great dads on this forum.

It's great to see the Suddard women all chiming in with first hand female perspectives, that most of the rest of us are sorely lacking in. Thanks!

pheller said:

I think the best way to work on our faults is to acknowledge them. If I sound self-absorbed, it's because I'm kinda being overly pessimistic and hard on myself. It's how I motivate myself to change. 

None of what you wrote actually included acknowledging your own faults nor being pessimistic towards, or hard on, yourself... Had it been written that way, it would not have come across as self-absorbed. 

It did however include plenty of pointing out the faults in others and being pessimistic towards, and hard on, them... As well as making excuses for, and largely giving a pass to, yourself.  That is why it came across as self-absorbed. 

If what you wrote is honestly what you think is the 'best way' to 'motivate yourself to change', you must find a better way. When genuinely looking inward, it should not so easily come across as mostly wanting (or trying) to motivate others to change on your behalf. Even in your most recent post of revelation, this mindset persists. While it's great that the two of you worked out a compromise, you spent plenty of time building yourself up primarily at the expense of knocking your wife down.

I have add too, it takes effort to take the blinders off and communicate with team members sometimes. I catch myself out that way with my wife a lot too, especially on big house projects. It's far to easy to just get it done rather than work together to keep the plates spinning and avoid burnout and anxiety. Doesn't work nearly as well though.

I have another suggestion...

Take the $32K out of YOUR salary for the home repairs, and continue to put her ENTIRE salary into the household account to contribute to the bills. 
 

Mathematically, it's identical. But it's gonna feel entirely different. 
 

You will realize HER money is a respectable percentage of your household income, and that she carries an important part of the load, and you are dependent on her.  
 

You will also realize that the money you are contributing to the home improvement fund is an important gift you are giving to her, because that time and those improvements are important to her. 
 

Try it. I'll bet it's not as easy as you think.

In reply to pheller :

Deleting, rather than acknowledging, what was originally written cannot erase how or why it was written... And even acknowledgement changes nothing, without actually owning it. Godspeed.

In reply to Driven5 :

Yikes!

pheller, we are friends here. I hope you are well. 

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

I have another suggestion...

Take the $32K out of YOUR salary for the home repairs, and continue to put her ENTIRE salary into the household account to contribute to the bills. 
 

Mathematically, it's identical. But it's gonna feel entirely different. 

Good point.  If you have combined accounts, it doesn't matter.  If you have separate accounts, where the money appears to come from can make a difference.

Yeah, I get it guys, but don't pile on the man. Give him some time and space, he's headed in the right direction.

Best to your family pheller

pheller said:

My wife and I have come to agreement that we will spend her salary (roughly 32k) on hiring contractors to do the work so that I might be freed up to spend more time with kiddo. 

This is a good idea. I also like my money and struggled with paying people to do work for me but you can't get back the time to spend with your family. 

Hiring a contractor is also nice because it speeds up the process of getting things done instead of living in a forever project. I've been surprised how much time hiring a painter saves me and how little it has cost me above the price of materials and supplies that I would have spent doing it myself.  Same goes for some landscaping tasks, the pros have better equipment and make light work of what would take me a weekend away from my family.  

In reply to Andy Neuman :

This is why I pay for oil changes and yard work. I also do not enjoy doing either of those lol

In reply to yupididit :

Huh, takes me longer to have an oil change done than to diy...

Things have gotten a lot easier since my kid is in school. #1 it allows my wife to work more, #2 it allows me a lot more free time during the day to complete my projects. Those first 4 years or so, when the kid was ALWAYS around, were pretty tough. I mostly stuck my hobbies to after hours (luckily my son has always gone to bed around 8:30 so it's not like I'm up too late) or my wife cared for him when I had stuff I had to do during the day (and vise-versa).

I'll also say that is one benefit of my odd work schedule (12h shifts, 3/4 days per week, either M-W or Th-Sa with Sunday being the 4th). My son is at school at least 2 days per week while I am home, and usually my wife works at least one of those days, so I have about a 5 hour window to get my stuff done.

In the OP's defense...

He doesn't seem to have a problem with his wife working and having a career. He seems to have a problem that her job is supposed to be part time, that is what she budgeted or budgets her mental/emotional energy for, but the boss at the job regularly guilts her into taking on more work than she would otherwise. If the boss had been honest at the get go and said, "This job will require 30 hours per week," she could and probably would have planned things differently. Because the extra work is dropped on her, it takes a direct emotional toll on her, sucks away time she could spend on other things, and that takes an additional emotional toll.

Having 8 hours get bitten out of her week by surprise and the cascade of problems that causes would be very stressful for the whole household. It honestly sounds like he cares about his wife and the stress this causes to her.

As for spending money on the home improvements - these sound like niceties that his wife is pushing hard for rather than needs. That he's fine with them, but the urgency is her's. Were I in that situation that my wife really wanted something like this, I would certainly expect her to pay the lion's share. That said, I think the best thing would still be to contribute *some*, since he will benefit from the improvements too. Not 50/50 or 100/0, but maybe 75/25 or 67/33 would be a good way of recognizing that, even though it's "her thing", it matters to you too.

^Based on his posts in other threads, he is pretty fixated on house stuff as well.  I find it hard to believe these are things that his wife is pushing hard for.

Getting rid of the house and moving to an apartment could free up a lot of time and eliminate a lot of stress.

In reply to Beer Baron :

I respect your position and defense of pheller. He's an awesome dude. But I don't agree with your assessment. 
 

The kid is both of theirs. The house is both of theirs. Any improvement to the family time and dynamics is a benefit to both of them equally. Any improvement to the house is a benefit to both of them equally. 
 

This is a communication problem. They don't agree on the priorities, and are frustrated with each other. It's the perfect opportunity for counseling- that's what counseling is best at. Improving communication between 2 people who still care about each other but are not on the same page BEFORE they cross into the abyss that can't be recovered from. 
 

This is not a problem of "she wants this stuff, so she should pay for it". This is a problem of "we disagree on priorities, and need a little help learning how to compromise well and come to a shared vision for the direction of our family".

ProDarwin said:

^Based on his posts in other threads, he is pretty fixated on house stuff as well.  I find it hard to believe these are things that his wife is pushing hard for.

Getting rid of the house and moving to an apartment could free up a lot of time and eliminate a lot of stress.

From pheller's comments and other threads, it seems like the house is pretty high on her priority list, and her standards seem pretty strict.