Parenting - How Do YOU Do It?

ProDarwin said:

^Based on his posts in other threads, he is pretty fixated on house stuff as well.  I find it hard to believe these are things that his wife is pushing hard for.

My point is that I think there is a compromise in between 50/50 and 100/0 that both parties will end up happier with.

Coming to the agreement that she'll pay for the improvements with her salary puts him in a position to make this a BIG win for both of them! She's accepted that and is (presumably) happy with it. To now go to her and say, "Honey, I know hiring a contractor is more important to you than to me, but it's going to be good for both of us, and I don't like the idea of *all* of the salary you've been working so hard for getting used up. I'm going to go ahead and pay for a third of the costs." That will make him SOOOOO much more of a winner than if he'd even originally agreed to split the cost 50/50.

It could be just the sort of olive branch that can be used to defuse some tension and make room to open up other avenues of communication.

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

This is a communication problem.

I agree. There are multiple things going on here. Communication is the key issue.

I'm most strongly reacting to the people who seem to think he wants his wife to be a stay at home mom and not have a career. That's not my take away. He sounds resentful of the job. But it sounds like what he resents is that the job causes stress for his wife and eats up time she didn't originally agree to. That he resents the strain that puts on their relationship.

I may be wrong about that. I'm basing that on things that happened with my wife. She did Roller Derby for a while, and I hated it because it was supposed to be a fun hobby, but ended up just being stressful and frustrating and not being fun. This sounds similar.

Beer Baron is correct. Especially on her job. I will support her in doing whatever she wants to do, whether its working full time or not at all, but I have a hard time letting someone spiral into anxiety and depression because of a job. She had jobs prior that paid far less, required more hours, but gave her higher satisfaction and those jobs never made her like this. She has continually told her boss "we agreed to 20 hours" but her boss just can't stop requiring her attendence in stupid meetings then proceeds to give her 10 hours of work at 5PM due by the next morning when she's already worked 20 hours that week. She hates the job, but loves the "wow you're amazing" she gets from her employer. I just wish they turned those kudos into more respect of her time.

On the house:

My wife will not tolerate renting. She thinks it's wasting money. She likes owning a house, but she wants it to be a new house. 

I, alternatively, want to be in a nice, quiet, safe neighborhood with a little bit of property and room to grow (and places to park.) Many of the new homes in my town are either ridiculously expensive, or townhouses with limited parking (tight unsafe streets), or both. I also wanted someplace more family oriented. Many of our new homes developments are swathed with college students. 

Our house is by no means a tear down. It's just late 90's builder grade everything - which looks severely outdated (though functional) today.

Our current spot has 4/6 neighbors with kids.

So yes, the urgency to have things done immediately is what pulls me away from family time in the evenings when my wife is stressed out after a day at work. Weekends are not as bad because I typically only work on house projects for a few hours then spend the rest of it with the family, but they can be more stressful for the wife because toddlers are stressful.

We're going to use her salary to get some projects done via contractor and any work I dedicate in the meantime will be during my lunch break or after kiddo is asleep.

In reply to pheller :

You're still liable to win some big kudos by offering her to take on a greater share of the cost of contractors than you've agreed to. This would be a great tool to open up communication on other avenues.

I know you're looking at the cost of contractors vs. cost of your time. But also consider the $$$$ value you'd put on your wife being happier, less stressed, and more appreciative of you sharing in things she values in terms she more directly relates to. *You* may see and appreciate the value of the labor you put in. She almost certainly does not.

Don't just factor in *your* time in the equation. If it's time after the kid is asleep, it's your time *and* her time with you. If it's daytime, it's your time, her time with you, and the kid's time with you.

In reply to pheller :

It wasn't the house or the job that concerned me.  Your post that caught my attention was this one:

pheller said:

When I say hobbies and interests what I mean is "remodelling, landscaping, and updating our house on a budget that allow us to live comfortably."

I ride bike maybe 1-3 hours a week. Most weeks not at all. I watch maybe an hour of TV a week if that. I work full time. I also pay for full-time daycare. 

She works part-time, but (she) can't tell her boss no, so ends up working 30 hours a week. Then, despite me paying for daycare 8 hours a day 5 days a week, she insists on keeping kiddo home most Fridays. Whenever she isn't working, she wants kiddo to be at home. Despite me paying for full-time daycare.

I've told her numerous times to quit her job, and I'd even continue paying for daycare. She'd have all day every day to relax. 

 

Lemme reiterate, she keeps a job that stresses her out, keeps her up at a night, makes her resent me for not helping enough, impacts our ability to take vacations, and is only supposed to be part-time. (and I'll add perhaps makes you resent her?)

 

 

The issues isn't with me giving up my hobbies and interests.  (It's with her?)

 

I know I need to spend more time with my daughter. I don't question that. But I also disagree that my lack of parenting attention is the sole reason for her stress. (In other words, her stress (and yours) is HER fault?)

I've added a bunch of stuff for emphasis.  Try reading just my highlights.

This post defines a very adversarial position.  You vs her.  SHE can't seem to do things the way YOU think they should be done, so it's HER fault.

I am absolutely confident you didn't intend it that way, and that you love your wife.  But do you see what your words are communicating to the outside world about your relationship?

And then your financial solution.  Here is what I am hearing... "Fine.  SHE wants all this stuff, SHE should pay for it.  I make enough money that I don't actually need her to help.  I can support this entire family without her.  If she needs this stuff done, that's just fine.  It will all turn our OK anyway when we sell and recover our appreciation."

I know you don't intend it, but that comes across as paternalistic and adversarial.  

I'm not coming down on you.  I'm seeing myself, and trying to help you before you get into the mess I am in.  I've always considered myself a good guy, and very supportive of my wife.  The problem is that I never realized that SHE didn't FEEL supported, regardless of how good I thought I was.  She needed support in ways that I was unable to relate to and understand.  I supported her for 38 years.  She didn't feel valued.  Now, we have a mess.  

You don't have to.

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to Beer Baron :

This is a communication problem. They don't agree on the priorities, and are frustrated with each other. It's the perfect opportunity for counseling- that's what counseling is best at. Improving communication between 2 people who still care about each other but are not on the same page BEFORE they cross into the abyss that can't be recovered from. 

So much this. 

Also, thank you so much to everyone here who's shared their experiences. I'd been teetering on a decision for the past year, and the unanimous chorus of all the other parents here about making the most of the time while the kids are little, and the positive impacts of doing so, helped me finally jump and give my notice yesterday. I'm going to need a learn-me stay at home dad thread.

bluej (Forum Supporter) said:

I'm going to need a learn-me stay at home dad thread.

Pretty sure Mr Mazdeuce is doing all the things right, down that avenue!  It can't be too hard- just feed them lots of sugar and force them to do manual labor...?  hehe.  

I guess its hard to understand how to help or support someone when they give you this big list of things they want you to do, but the only thing you ask in return is for them to put themselves in a place where they are happy. 

This is also challenging when you DO spend time with kiddo. You do chores. You push hard to get projects done. Then, during an argument, it is determined that you don't spend ENOUGH time with kiddo, ENOUGH time working on chores, ENOUGH projects done. I thought I was doing decent by my measure, but apparently not - and that's OK, I'll up my involvement.

I'm not asking for much besides happiness. 

I think part of it is what makes us happy. She gets happiness from a nice house, a perfect and picturesque family unit, beautiful vacations, feeling valued by friends, husband, employer, the greater community. That last one - valued by community was a big part of her previous satisfying jobs. She went all day getting thanks from refugees happy for a new life and new opportunities. People said "wow you do such cool work" at parties. For her, that made $35k a year working 50 hours weeks worth it. Now she makes $35k a year working part-time from home. She hates telling people what she does because to her, it's boring and not worth mentioning.

I get happiness from being alive. From the sun on my skin. From the breeze through the trees. Sometimes I think she resents my "ease" of happiness.

She says I'm overly critical. And I am. 100%. (it's funny because when I tell a therapist this, they think its anxiety or depression, they can't fathom someone as critical as me being naturally happy, but it's true.) But that critique lasts a fraction. It rolls off easy. I don't dwell on her mistakes. But I will readily admit that "critique" comes far easier than "compliments" for me. I've known for most of my adult life I need to improve that. 

She looks around the house, sees numerous issues, and it makes her unhappy. I say "ok I'll fix those but give me some time." For example, we're redoing flooring in several rooms. She wants new baseboards (different style). I explain that new baseboard requires new door trim, new trim requires lots of time, we're wanting to get a bathroom remodel completed, a deck built, landscaping (retaining wall and turf) installed, skylights installed, and possible a kitchen along with tear-up of 800sqft of tile at some point. I think we should re-install the existing baseboard so the house doesn't look haggard. She wants to install the new baseboard because "it's making progress." Even when professionals, friends, and family all say "make it easy on yourself just re-install the baseboards you've got if they are in good shape" she says "nah, I want progress."

Being adversarial is being resentful for so many demands. It's wanting a divorce. It's saying "its all her fault." I don't perceive myself as feeling this way. Maybe just the fact that I'm venting in online car forum is evidence of this adversarial viewpoint, dunno.

And regarding the topic at hand, I really hesitate to give advice, but I would recommend that the two of you talk intimately to find level ground, as a TEAM.  Because that's what you are ultimately.  Paddle your own canoe, do what you think is best for the children, but do it together and cohesively.  

My wife and I have been pretty strongly judged by family for our parenting 'technique' or lack thereof, but that's our decision and it works well for us.  And we are both on the same page together, so screw it if people don't agree with it.  But it was challenging to talk through things and find our common ground in the beginning.  Good luck. 

I think another challenge, one related to parenting, is that our child has a distinctly different personality than her mother.

My wife is quiet. Reserved. Peaceful. Soft tones. Duty driven. Prefers not to be managed. Wants to learn things the hard way. Has a hard time seeing a situation and saying "this may go badly."

My daughter is loud. Whiny. Demanding. Aggressive when frustrated. Prefers not to be managed. Can sometimes carelessly hurt mama with an errant swing of the hand, toy, etc. (this rarely happens to me because I can tell when something will go badly.)

I find our daughter considerably "easier" when she's outside the house. My wife prefers to keep her "entertained" while in the house (mind you kiddo rarely gets screen time, maybe 30 mins a week.) Unfortunately, when inside the house, our daughter wants a playmate and throws fits when nobody wants to play with her.  She throws a fit when the neighborhood stray cat leaves our porch. She's very attached to outside personal interaction. An extrovert.

My wife, by comparison, is an introvert.

My wife loves being a mother, but it also gives her tremendous amounts of stress. This is why she asks for my help and wants more of a coparenting approach. 

Jobs creates stress. House creates stress. Kid creates stress. 

Reading that [edit: second to last] post from OP, 

#1 this is still, obviously, a communications issue

#2 its a resource issue.  If she wants a,b,c,x,y,z - those all require some combination of time and money.  You (presumably) can't find more time/labor.  You can spend more money (which you have agreed to do), or you can change demands.  You need to work together as a team to decide what the best route is.

I have been in a similar situation before.  I wasn't super excited about it, but I was ready to walk away from the house and just move into a condo because it was an easy way to reset and elimate all the time/money spent on house bullE36 M3.

Sorry to dwell on house things, but they are a gigantic source of stress in some partnerships.

And absolutely, with a kid that age, get.the.berkeley.out.of.the.house.  You can't keep a single toddler entertained inside your house all day without it consuming all of your energy, and some of your soul.  Make that multiple days and its a recipe for a mental breakdown.  Obviously some parents are better at this than others.

They need stimulation different than the toys they already have.  Go the the park, children's museums, indoor play areas like a trampoline park, zoo, aquarium, etc.  Run errands.  Do outside chores than involve the kid (simple gardening for example).  Anything.  Just get the hell out of the house.

I don't know how to suggest this to your wife.  I tried to hang out at home all day with my son a couple of times and learned very quickly not to do that.

Apexcarver said:

In reply to yupididit :

Huh, takes me longer to have an oil change done than to diy...

Nah, if I have time to do an oil change myself then I have time to do more important things around the house or with my family. I just drop the vehicle off and pick it up when it's convenient for me. Don't have to worry about transporting and disposing the old oil either. 

pheller said:

I guess its hard to understand how to help or support someone when they give you this big list of things they want you to do, but the only thing you ask in return is for them to put themselves in a place where they are happy. 

This is also challenging when you DO spend time with kiddo. You do chores. You push hard to get projects done. Then, during an argument, it is determined that you don't spend ENOUGH time with kiddo, ENOUGH time working on chores, ENOUGH projects done. I thought I was doing decent by my measure, but apparently not - and that's OK, I'll up my involvement.

I'm not asking for much besides happiness. 

I think part of it is what makes us happy. She gets happiness from a nice house, a perfect and picturesque family unit, beautiful vacations, feeling valued by friends, husband, employer, the greater community. That last one - valued by community was a big part of her previous satisfying jobs. She went all day getting thanks from refugees happy for a new life and new opportunities. People said "wow you do such cool work" at parties. For her, that made $35k a year working 50 hours weeks worth it. Now she makes $35k a year working part-time from home. She hates telling people what she does because to her, it's boring and not worth mentioning.

I get happiness from being alive. From the sun on my skin. From the breeze through the trees. Sometimes I think she resents my "ease" of happiness.

She says I'm overly critical. And I am. 100%. (it's funny because when I tell a therapist this, they think its anxiety or depression, they can't fathom someone as critical as me being naturally happy, but it's true.) But that critique lasts a fraction. It rolls off easy. I don't dwell on her mistakes. But I will readily admit that "critique" comes far easier than "compliments" for me. I've known for most of my adult life I need to improve that. 

She looks around the house, sees numerous issues, and it makes her unhappy. I say "ok I'll fix those but give me some time." For example, we're redoing flooring in several rooms. She wants new baseboards (different style). I explain that new baseboard requires new door trim, new trim requires lots of time, we're wanting to get a bathroom remodel completed, a deck built, landscaping (retaining wall and turf) installed, skylights installed, and possible a kitchen along with tear-up of 800sqft of tile at some point. I think we should re-install the existing baseboard so the house doesn't look haggard. She wants to install the new baseboard because "it's making progress." Even when professionals, friends, and family all say "make it easy on yourself just re-install the baseboards you've got if they are in good shape" she says "nah, I want progress."

Being adversarial is being resentful for so many demands. It's wanting a divorce. It's saying "its all her fault." I don't perceive myself as feeling this way. Maybe just the fact that I'm venting in online car forum is evidence of this adversarial viewpoint, dunno.

You've said an incredible amount here (starting with the first paragraph). Good for you!

You think too much. I don't mean that literally. I love your logical and inquisitive mind. I mean you think too much to communicate well with her. When having a conversation like that, DO NOT give the entire list. You are bulldozing her. She feels overwhelmed and shuts down. Ask her a very direct "either/or" question. "Would you like the baseboards first, or the deck?".  Forget the other options. They just confuse the issue. You can think about those to yourself, and worry about doing them later. 
 

Also... learn how to ask "Yes or No" questions. Sometimes a person who has a lot going on in his head (like you, and me) simply confuses everyone around him. My wife is a lot like yours. I don't need to discuss the details with her. I just need to convert it into yes or no questions and she is very happy. 
 

You're not wrong. But you are communicating wrong. 

Pheller, it may help for both of you to read the book, and take the quiz, of the 5 Love Languages. Link here:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

One of the things that I'm reading from all of this is that despite your trying very hard, despite everything that you do, despite the love that you're giving your wife, it isn't filling her cup. And it may be that you're pouring your love in a fashion that it has no chance of getting to her cup. 

This is not the end all be all, but I recommend it. 

pheller said:

I guess its hard to understand how to help or support someone when they give you this big list of things they want you to do, but the only thing you ask in return is for them to put themselves in a place where they are happy.

This is why you need a counselor (or priest or whatever experienced and neutral third party) to help you communicate what it is you both most need and how to go about it.

I think part of it is what makes us happy. She gets happiness from a nice house, a perfect and picturesque family unit, beautiful vacations, feeling valued by friends, husband, employer, the greater community. That last one - valued by community was a big part of her previous satisfying jobs. She went all day getting thanks from refugees happy for a new life and new opportunities. People said "wow you do such cool work" at parties. For her, that made $35k a year working 50 hours weeks worth it. Now she makes $35k a year working part-time from home. She hates telling people what she does because to her, it's boring and not worth mentioning.

I guarantee you the nice things you mentioned first aren't what make her happy. They're what she focus on in her anxiety. But if she suddenly got all of those things... she wouldn't be happy; she'd be more miserable because she realized she'd realizing having everything she thought she wanted didn't make her happy.

I think your later point about feeling valued is the real thing she's looking for. Obviously, you can't *make* her feel valued, but you can find ways to change your behavior that she will recognize as feeling valued. If you think about it, her feeling valued is more about what *she* has done rather than what *you* have done. You seem like you've been more energy into doing things for her, because that's what would make you feel more appreciated. But it's entirely likely that you'll get farther by putting effort into recognizing her work.

What you probably need is to find a way for her to recognize you, your marriage, and your family as the best source of feeling valued and appreciated, rather than looking for that from a job. I'm not sure how to do that. I don't think there's anything *you* can do directly. My wife went through a similar thing with her job and a social club. She poured a lot of energy into them, and realized that she was basically being used and that the job or social club didn't really care about her or value her beyond the labor they could extract. So she wasn't going to make herself unhappy for them.

This is more reason to see a counselor. You can't make her recognize what's actually going to make her happy. Only she can do that. A third party can help direct her attention to come to those conclusions, but you're not a third party, and you don't have the training or experiencing in guiding people that way.

She says I'm overly critical. And I am. 100%. (it's funny because when I tell a therapist this, they think its anxiety or depression, they can't fathom someone as critical as me being naturally happy, but it's true.) But that critique lasts a fraction. It rolls off easy. I don't dwell on her mistakes. But I will readily admit that "critique" comes far easier than "compliments" for me. I've known for most of my adult life I need to improve that. 

Good. You recognize that. I understand. I'm the same way. Being critical is caring because you're only pointing these things out because you believe they can be better, and who wouldn't want to improve? Right?

Again... see a counselor. You probably need someone who can give you tools of how to step back and give people space to decide when, where, and how they're going to improve themselves instead of pushing what *you* think is the best way for them to improve.

Being adversarial is being resentful for so many demands. It's wanting a divorce. It's saying "its all her fault." I don't perceive myself as feeling this way. Maybe just the fact that I'm venting in online car forum is evidence of this adversarial viewpoint, dunno.

What strikes me as adversarial is a sense of working against each other, rather than looking for ways to work *with* each other. You can recognize that some of the fault is yours, but still be working adversarially to come to a solution. Most of our legal and contract system is adversarial. It's fighting over who will make what concessions so that you can each get the best deal for you as separate entities. You don't have to be resentful to be adversarial. Lawyers on opposite sides of a case don't resent each other, but their interactions are adversarial.

What I think you would benefit from is trying to work more collaboratively. Figuring out ways to work together to meet your shared needs. Again, something a good counselor would help with.

A marriage can be adversarial and a divorce can be collaborative. It's all in how you go about it.

In reply to Beer Baron :

Can I hire YOU as a counselor?  Will you bring beer? 

Beer Baron said:

A marriage can be adversarial and a divorce can be collaborative. It's all in how you go about it.

I once read an article titled "I didn't start loving my husband until we were divorced" or "I divorced my husband but gained a friend." That basically touched on this concept. 

The author, whom had been the advocate for the divorce, admitted that despite her finding a handsome and loving new mate, her ex remained a mostly single parent, but he became more involved in parenting, better at communicating, and even sweeter and more appreciative even if just as "friends." 

SVreX (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to Beer Baron :

Can I hire YOU as a counselor?  Will you bring beer? 

I appreciate it, but I'm an analyst and a teacher/instructor. Not really a counselor.

Your driving instructor can probably help identify problems with a car and offer suggestions on setup. But you should to take it to an actual mechanic or technician to do serious work.

Unless what your relationship needs is dance lessons. Those I am available for at reasonable rates.

In reply to Beer Baron :

I think you've got a business opportunity there. "Learn to dance and fix your marriage at the same time! Two beers inc. with every session!" The Facebook ad writes itself.

In reply to pheller :

Too much happened before I was able to post my thoughts, so I'll pivot a bit...

You and your wife both need to keep in mind that you are not alone in the challenges you're working through, individually, as a couple, and as a family. Much of what you describe experiencing is a textbook dual-working-parent scenario. It's all hard, it's all stressful, and it all causes anxiety. There are so many strong opinions, because we have been (and possibly still are) there ourselves.

mtn said:

Pheller, it may help for both of you to read the book, and take the quiz, of the 5 Love Languages. Link here:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

One of the things that I'm reading from all of this is that despite your trying very hard, despite everything that you do, despite the love that you're giving your wife, it isn't filling her cup. And it may be that you're pouring your love in a fashion that it has no chance of getting to her cup. 

This is exactly what I was thinking of and getting at with my mention that he feels like he's doing things for her and she doesn't seem to appreciate it or feel appreciated. And he could probably change tactics and get more result for less work.

I know this is something that my wife and I run into a lot. I value gestures/actions and spending time with someone. She tends to value more words and small but meaningful gifts. It seems strange to me that I can buy her an $8 potted flower from the grocery store, and she'll treasure it for years. But if I take the time to swap the winter/summer tires on her car, check the brake wear, and pump up the air... she'll say "thank you" but in a sort of off-handed way that she realizes on some level I did something I didn't have to.

A big thing that's been great for us is finding a shared hobby that manages to fulfill both of our needs. Since we've started weight lifting, we can spend time out in the garage hanging out together which makes me happy, and I can congratulate her on lifting well and making progress which makes her feel recognized but not pressured.

In reply to pheller :

Go to couples' therapy or counseling. Seriously. Do it together. Litigating all of this in the court of public opinion is only going to breed further resentment, and I'm sure your wife wouldn't appreciate it if she stumbled upon this thread in the future. You two need to get on each other's level with a mediator and really talk about what you need from each other and from life as a whole. Be honest with each other and decide whether you're going to provide those things for each other or go your separate ways. 

pheller said:

"I divorced my husband but gained a friend." That basically touched on this concept. 

The author, whom had been the advocate for the divorce, admitted that despite her finding a handsome and loving new mate, her ex remained a mostly single parent, but he became more involved in parenting, better at communicating, and even sweeter and more appreciative even if just as "friends." 

I'm in this situation.  I think some of our improved communication could have been achieved through counseling.  I highly recommend it.  Ultimately there were other reasons for the divorce that I wont get into.  But we are a better team apart than we were together, and great friends.

In reply to pheller :

I have two under 3. When we still had 1, my domestic supervisor, was really starting to climb and advance in her profession. She was stressed. Stressed as a wife, stressed as a mom, stressed at work. Couldn't nap when the kid did, because that was a critical two hours for her to finish a report, or send emails, ect. Which meant the kid, WAS GOING TO NAP, wether he wanted to or not. But then at the same time, the kid ruled the house. It took a bit for her to acknowledge my strategy, of that's what he wants, but he's two years old, so too bad. We have different parenting styles. Mine seems to conflict with whatever social influencer, or webcast she's listened to. I however, am going to raise MY kid, the way I think works best for HIM. Everyone is different, and I'm not going to let an expert thats never interacted with my son, influence how I am going to interact with him. I'm just trying to do the best I can, but as I type this, I know I could do more, but I need some "ME" time, for my own emotional stability. The wife needs her time as well.

Everything takes longer with him involved, but I know it's really helping the wife, and he loves it. So instead of it taking twice as long, I realize, that I'm doing two things at once, and that helps me cope with the fact that everything is slower, or more difficult to do. I'll try to plan my projects that I can do with him, around times he's awake, and the ones I can't do with him, after he goes to bed, or he spends time with mom.

My kid loves being outside. He essentially covers the entirety of the 5 acres he has access to, and is completely self entertained, unless mom/dad are doing something cool. Inside the house, he's a toddlerist, and it's really difficult to get him to self-entertain. We always tried to keep screen time to a minimum, but now with 2 kids, we definitely use it as a crutch. But he loves helping and being involved, so anything we can do to make him part of the activity, really helps. 

Parenting is tough. In my opinion, it never gets easier, it just gets different. The times I'm most frustrated with my son, are when I'm trying to do something "I want to do" and he just wants attention. Usually, whatever it is that "I want to do" can wait, and I still have trouble acknowledging that. He's constantly testing the boundaries and limits, and now that he's a big brother, he's learning that he can get attention by acting out, or being naughty. We're all learning together as we go along, and I make mistakes, just do my best not to repeat them.

So back to my wife's career. My response sounds the same as yours. If you want to work, I support that, however you have an inability to say no, and I can see it's stressing you out. We would get a babysitter to come to the house, and I'm pretty confident, that after taxes, my wife was working for $2/hr, possibly -$2/hr. However, I acknowledged that it was important to her, and was a nice break from momming, so that continued until the third trimester of our second kid. I think she quickly realized how much happier she was - not working. And has said so, several times. But that's got to be her decision to make. 

Compromise and communication. It's just what has to happen. Goodluck!