People With Tempers - How do you manage?

Hello. I'm Cameron, and I have a temper.

It takes a lot to set off my temper, but when I feel pushed I push back hard. This gets me in trouble.

I'm blunt and direct and not political. I value people handling their E36 M3. People who are political and manipulative but not particularly good at actually producing what they're supposed to often get defensive because I don't have patience for people bullE36 M3ting me. But because they're good at being political and manipulative and dancing around issues, it ends up being a big conversation where they end up finding a barb that insults me and pushes me over the edge. Then I'm the bad guy. I get set back in what I'm trying to accomplish.

The thing that usually sets me off is people who are being disrespectful to me accusing me of not respecting them, and/or (usually and) people who are not delivering on the work they're responsible for accusing me of not handling all of my work properly.

I'm sure there are other people in this group who have similar issues. How do you deal with it? When people you work with don't get their E36 M3 done and then insult you and accuse you of not respecting them for calling them on their B.S., what do you do? How do you avoid cracking and causing a scene?

I am reading a book about letting things go.    Look for reading material and advice.  I’m also a spiritual guy so I throw it into the Lords hands - but that’s me  

I have a 14 year old daughter that has a temper.   Usually I do all the wrong things to get her calmed down.  I’m trying.  

My calm response to BS that's not worth my time:  "That's a great story and you tell it so well."

This thread is really pissing me off!

I have an absolutely terrible temper. Loud, violent, destructive. In the work place, in similar situations to yours, I typically wind up fired after doing my job and theirs then tearing into them like a supervisor should have long before. 

Short story time: I worked for a company that made rigid foam insulation. There were 3 of us in my department, myself, random guy, and useless woman(not useless because she was a woman just utterly useless as a person). Well UW would disappear for 2 or 3 hours at a time, leaving me alone or with random guy. Every single shift. She'd go sit in the break room and eat ice cream or go chain smoke or anything to not actually work. This lasted about a week before I tore into her about it. The next week, it started again, but with her disappearing for the entire shift and leaving me alone to do the work of 3 people. Tell the supervisor, nothing changes, so I blew up again, on her and the supervisor. "Yea yea we'll fix it, quit yelling at everyone. I'm the supervisor it's my job to yell at people". Oh, you're the manager? Then why aren't YOU doing YOUR job? As I'm walking out the door, someone else grabs me and says "you know that idiot you've been dealing with is Jerry's (idiot supervisor) best friends daughter, right?"  So what, you get a pass just because your friends with the boss? How does that work? When my dad was my boss, I was treated worse than everyone else because I was expected to make him look good, isn't that always supposed to be the case when you hire friends?

From what I've been told there is still a hole in the block wall where I threw a hammer at the supervisor. I missed on purpose, but not by much.

Similar situation at the Japanese restaurant. The bar manager would come back to the line and move all my slips around and change a bunch of orders pretending to help,and then Bitch when his orders were taking forever. When I went back 5 years later, I was still known as the guy that threw a knife at the manager.

Weed helps a lot. Not as much as putting shock collars on people would help, but it helps. 

In reply to Beer Baron :

I crack and cause a scene. Sorry, I'm no help. But I do relate.

I like paperwork myself. When someone makes a commitment, make them do it in writing or make sure you document in detail. When they don't deliver, present them with evidence. If their work impacts you getting yours done sell them out and present your documentation up the food chain, and do it as soon as possible. Then forget about it and move on, and make it clear to everyone that you have moved on.

It doesn't take long being the guy who will sells out others for the boss to get tired of it and make something happen and/or your coworkers to realize that commitments that affect you are not subject to bs. The trick to doing it and keeping friends is to do it every time and not make it personal or hold the grudge.

Or, find someone with a wood burning stove and offer to split wood for them. That worked for me as an angry teenager.

DW is extremely competent in her job, and has a similar penchant for not tolerating incompetence or laziness of other people in theirs.  She has a small reputation for being difficult and confrontational, when honestly 90% of it boils down to expecting people to do what they say they will, and be able to do what they should be able to.  Politically it has not done her any favors at her company.

She has no magic bullet, but she's constantly worked on phrasing things more tactfully.  She's also taken to documenting everything via email to all concerned parties, so that when somebody gets conveniently forgetul or declines to do something they should be able to, she can point out exactly when they agreed to or when she explained to them how.

In reply to Beer Baron :

You in your work situation sounds a lot like my wife. She's former USAF, then worked there as a civilian, before moving & working at the VA, then a university, then back at the VA, before finally going back to the Air Force. 

What I've realized is she has little - make that zero - tolerance for people who don't do their job, and especially those who have no desire to do so. It's been a major challenge for her everywhere else, and she still encounters it back with the USAF - but the major difference is in the military you don't often get much choice about doing your job, and for that they love her, because she works hard like they do. 

I'm not suggesting you go enlist, but maybe something working along side them would suit you better?

I find that just burning out emotionally is what finally worked for me.  Sure, I curse at inanimate objects on occasion but truly losing my temper on someone......

Who am I kidding, it's a struggle.  Every day, nearly every hour, stupid people do stupid E36 M3 and it pisses me off.  Only my awareness of the things I have to lose keep me from committing assault on a near daily basis. 

See my signature...

Beer Baron, you sound a lot like me about 10 years ago. My fuse was more like a dead man switch when I let go, it was gone! This cost me a number of jobs, friends, and other "compilation's" in life. One day I realized this was destructive and that I had to change myself, which sounds like you are ready.

As for myself I had to really try and hold myself back from flipping the berkeley out multiple times a day by concentrating on my job (or issue) that related to my goals and objectives. When I have people that try and hold me back or get in my way I just step over (or on them) and toss them away like a used rubber. One thing I have learned about this matter is there are LOTS of useless vajajays in this world and you can NOT make them improve themselves.

While this may make me sound like a cold hearted person I am not. At the same time I am stepping over useless vajajays I am looking for driven people who want to be successful and are willing to work smart and hard to achieve their goals, I do my best to forge a positive relationships with them as being around people with a like outlook I have found helps to keep my temper under control. Combining these two theory's has helped me control my temper and improve my mental health by not being in "kill" mode all the time.

But flipping out now and then will put people on notice that you are in it to win it and tends to keep useless people away as they do not tend to like people who are drive and determined.

Paul B

I'm pretty sure I invented the word "Hangry" because it describes me so well. In all seriousness, make sure you maintain a good blood sugar level - eat healthy stuff regularly throughout the day. I'm embarrasingly grumpy and short-fused sometimes, and it's mostly when I'm hungry and tired.

You cant control other peoples actions, only your own. People who are volatile are just as bad for a work environment as lazy people. Its their supervisors job to make sure that people are pulling their weight, not yours. Bring it to their attention. Do your job. Not your supervisors, not your coworkers. You are recognizing that your temper is the problem, but then blaming it on everyone else. Does flipping out ever improve the situation? It never did for me.

In reply to revrico; If you throw E36 M3 at people youre gonna get fired. It doesnt matter that you feel justified. If you look back at these times and think that you handled them properly, you didnt. 

Sabotage. Plain and simple. Screw me over repeatedly and I foist it back tenfold. Quite a few people have learned the hard way not to toy with me, and we work great together now. The others that still don't realize that I'm making their lives harder, well, they continue to look like the slack ass chumps they are. Im not mean right off the bat. I give them so many chances to pick up the slack, but when it's done, it'd done. I wash my hands of you. 

In reply to gearheadmb :

I'm not trying to blame my flipping out on other people. My behavior is my responsibility. Merely trying to look at what the triggers are that tend to flip that switch in me. Hopefully recognizing what tends to set me off will allow me to avoid interactions that will lead to me losing my temper or recognize danger signs when I'm still relatively cool headed to be able to walk away before things explode.

gearheadmb said:

If you throw E36 M3 at people youre gonna get arrested. It doesnt matter that you feel justified. If you look back at these times and think that you handled them properly, you didnt. 

 

Fixed that for you.

I'm pretty hot-headed as well and let that get the best of me in pretty embarrassing ways when I was younger.  (I mean, technically speaking, I was 35 seconds younger than I am now when I started typing, right? :) )  I don't have any really good advice, unfortunately, because all the advice I ever got was just bullE36 M3.  "Just let it go!" I've been told.  "Take deep breaths", "go for a walk", all sorts of stuff.  I'm willing to admit that I may be a freak of nature, but I am incapable of just deciding to not be mad about something.

How to get by with it?  Plenty of inner seething helps.  Having something else to put your energy into can be a good distraction.  When somebody starts pushing my buttons I try to find someone else that isn't being a butt and go out of my way to do something nice for them.  Makes me feel a little better about things in a sort of vindictive way (not only am I not a jackwad like that guy, I actually did something nice!  So there!)  I also tend to replay those moments where I made a total ass of myself when I flew off the handle and that helps to release the tension on the hammer a bit.

For work things, I learned a very important skill when I was on a contract for a company that makes general things that use electric:  document, document, save, document.  Everybody is always trying to toss people under the bus in a place like that, so being able to have everything documented in writing saved me on many occasions.  The best part is, when you're backed into that corner, you don't really have to actually say anything.  Just search through email and forward/reply to the one where your moron coworker said that he was going to take care of that task three months ago.

Ovid_and_Flem said:

My calm response to BS that's not worth my time:  "That's a great story and you tell it so well."

This going on a plaque............thanks

"What do you do? How do you avoid cracking and causing a scene?"

Mostly through sarcasm and documentation.

Government contracting has been by far the most frustrating, stressful and hilarious work experience of my life.  Arguing the finer points of policy with federal officials is like trying to win an argument with a toddler, even if you're correct, there's no satisfying closure...the conversation WILL continue until you submit.

I have a pretty nice commute home in a car that I like that helps most days.  I try to meditate and let things go when possible.

The best revenge is living well and not letting the bastards see that they're getting to you.

gearheadmb said:

In reply to revrico; If you throw E36 M3 at people youre gonna get fired. It doesnt matter that you feel justified. If you look back at these times and think that you handled them properly, you didnt. 

 

Oddly enough it wasn't throwing the knife or hammer that got me fired from either position. (Hammer was after the fact, I eventually got fired from the kitchen when the previously mentioned manager told the owner I was trying to berk the owners wife, which I was not) I'm very aware that I did not handle them correctly, but I'm also aware I handled the situations to the best of my abilities at the time. Particularly in the kitchen, where I was right beside a deep fryer. Impulsive anger is not a fun thing to control. 

Learn from my mistakes. I share a lot of stories. While I may not be proud of everything I've done or how I've handled things, there are lessons to be learned even if it's only don't be like me. 

Full disclosure, I do have an assault charge in my history(juvenile records, simple assault), but only one, and from high school. Apparently it was ok for the rich kids to beat me up on the bus everyday, but hitting them back was a big no no. No one ever sent me that memo. 

I take a generic form of Keppera to prevent seizures. A common side effect is irrational rage. I struggled for a short time, but I learned to stop, breath, shrug it off, and laugh. It's hard, but stopping, turning away, and taking a deep breath can do wonders. 

Now I'm incredible under stress, or I guess you could say I just don't feel stress in situations most would. 

I walk away from manipulative people and if I look like an shiny happy person, I'm ok with that, because I'm an shiny happy person. 

I don't know... I've gotten better about it - some of it being NOHOME's method of not giving a berk. Unfortunately, that also tends to make me less effective at my job.  The last poor kid I snapped at was trying to fiddle with our plotter when I was obviously working on it.  But he was working with a guy in the office who is notorious for going on profanity laced tirades, so I know it wasn't his fault.

I just try to always remember: None of this crap really matters. The world will continue spinning regardless of what we do.

Fortunately, the conversation that led to me flipping out was via text message and the other principle owner of the company was in that string. Everyone except for the guy I flipped out who saw that string realizes that what he said was completely wrong and he handled that conversation in a horrible way. It follows a pattern that he was talked to about three times already this week.

I just berkeleyed up and lost my cool unnecessarily.

People aren't happy with him. We're trying to institute objective policies and procedures that don't allow him to pull this kind of stuff and keep him accountable to actually handle the things he's responsible for. I just need to be able to keep my head down and not blow up. I'm furious because my work (production and logistics) has ground to a screeching halt because he hasn't done the work he is responsible for (sales and marketing).

What you need to do is start hanging out with me cause I love pushing buttons. I'll push your button so much that I guarantee within a year no one will be able to push your button anymore cause it'll be broke. 

Serious note: Should I consider looking into anti-anxiety medication? I've dealt with anxiety issues in the past and always just soldiered through it. I deal with blood pressure issues that are right on that border from pre-hypetension to hypertension. Doctors have regularly wanted to put me on medication for it, but I keep saying I'll try to do meditation and stuff to work on controlling it. It's always "well... we'll monitor it and if it doesn't go down, consider doing something about it."

This particular day wasn't good. I had an early brew day and was exhausted and dehydrated. It was a brand new recipe I haven't tried on the full scale which has me nervous. I've been getting about a third as much exercise as I want to be for the past several months. I've gone from 3-5 hour skate sessions 4-5 times per week to 1-3 hour sessions 1-2 times per week.