People With Tempers - How do you manage?

I do have something that may be helpful,  I used to be way more high tempered than I am now and this what happened to me. I was working on cars for a living, and one aspect of my temper was I would tend to lose my cool when things weren't going right, stuck or rounded bolts, things that could be easy but weren't, we all know what I'm talking about. I would get mad, then start overreacting by slamming things around, using too big of a hammer, whatever. It occurred to me one day that when I get mad and frustrated and behave accordingly it never ever made the job easier or get better. It always made things worse. Every damn time. So I pushed myself to stay calm in these particular situations. Usually it would mean getting a can of pop and having a smoke, that was enough to get me back to level, plus give me a chance to step back and try to think of what would be a better way to go at the job at hand. After a while I didn't need to "try to calm down" it just became my nature to stay calm in these situations. Here is the important part, I found this bleeding over into the rest of my life in a positive way. Those normal everyday annoyances didn't set me off like they used to. I could politely tell a telemarketer that I wasn't interested, instead of needing to tell them to berk off. Having to wait for a train I could throw it in park and play with the radio instead of fuming over the delay. This happened without trying. So what I'm saying is maybe if you focus on one thing that consistently sets you off, maybe that will be enough to help with a lot of the other things too.

It's been said that one of the reasons for the massive popularity (fading now) of the Zombie genre.  The zombie apocalypse promises us the freedom to shoot people in the face at will.  Freedom from the daily grind and stressors of stupid rules, restrictions, lawyers, bills, and more. 

Previous generations have marched off to war to strip down their experience to basic survival, now we need an outlet for that desire.  When too many things pile up on us the stress level goes through the roof and blow ups occur in potentially self-destructive ways.

Or get laid more often.  Hungry and/or horny will make Jack a volatile boy.

Since i outgrew physical violence i just walk away. Its the only thing that works for me. I have to go cool down. It takes alot to make me that angry these days but when it does if i cant walk away it will end badly. Only seems to happen to me with co workers strangely. I worried about it when i had kids but they dont aggravate me in the same way adults do.

meds. No, seriously. Clinically depressed. feelings of desperation and isolation led to anger. Anger led to rage. Like, black out don't remember any of the event. Saw a shrink, tried 8 or 9 meds to find what worked for me and I've been great since. I still get angry, because we're human. But I don't have the overwhelming rage and out of controlness I felt before.

The meds I take are less about controlling my depression as much as capping the peaks and valley's. I still feel everything as I always have, emotions etc but I no longer have the overwhelming depression followed by overwhelming joy that could have me in tears.  It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it and even harder in text form. 

In reply to gearheadmb :

I take a similar approach "Wait, is getting pissed off going to make this situation better?" The answer is usually no. 

The other thing I do is try to keep the base stress load down in any way I can, makes the short fuse longer. For me this is mainly working on other mental problems and ignoring external E36 M3 I have no control over.

I'm normally a pretty sensible and kind guy, but the two things that get me are people wasting my time and corrupt people who abuse power (hence my misanthropic tendencies and distaste for government and policing in its current form). I have little tolerance of the former, and zero tolerance of the latter. Although I outgrew physical violence early in high school, I still sometimes have a sharp tongue and take a direct approach. I find the best way to calm down is to go for a drive, listen to or make music, or play a game like Halo or Forza. Anything that takes me out of the situation, even for a moment.

This sounds an awful lot like a guy I work with and have bitched about in the Minor Rant thread on at least several occasions. He is generally incompetent at his job and constantly berkeleying something up, then looking for excuses and ways to place the blame on others, or most often me. Unfortunately, the one real skill this guy has is playing politics and brown nosing those above him in the chain of command. Everyone who has to actually work with him and deal with the results of his incompetence recognize him for what he is - a bull E36 M3 artist - but unfortunately his supervisors seem to like him well enough that he's not getting canned anytime soon. 

As others have said, the best way to counter is to document and deal in facts, and perhaps most importantly, present them in a calm and rational manner. While I almost never get to a point where I feel like I'm out of control, I have a tendency to get a bit fiery and emotional at times, as one might infer from my user name. It's definitely something I've become more conscious of as I get older, as it doesn't always present well to others and can make me appear less credible. If I need to take a few minutes to walk around the building, or go out for a smoke, while I gather my thoughts, I'm usually better for it in the end.

Furious_E said:

Everyone who has to actually work with him and deal with the results of his incompetence recognize him for what he is - a bull E36 M3 artist - but unfortunately his supervisors seem to like him well enough that he's not getting canned anytime soon.

It is, frankly, astonishing how often this is true in the business world.

I opened my own business, and started out by doing everything myself.  The only person to get mad at was me.

In reply to Furious_E :

The sooner you realize the problem is not him, but supervision and management, the sooner you can direct your anger in the right direction.

Anger never appears by itself, it always follows another emotion. This may be a feeling of helplessness, loss of control, grief, you get the idea.  

When you find yourself angry, take a moment to think about it's companion emotion. What is it and what is causing that.  In your case Cameron, it sounds like the companion emotion is frustration caused by the extra workload this lazy berkeley is causing. As has been suggested, documenting these incidents and getting commitments and their respective deadlines in writing will at least give you some ammo for elevating this issue with management. At that point the ball is in their court to correct the problem, but you have shown commitment and escalated through the proper channels. It would be hard for any blame to fall back on you at that point.

Don't relinquish your personal time or exercise because of the issue. Keep up your skating routine, you are investing in your own well-being and that helps you to function at your optimum level. You need your vent, just like a ferment. Keeping frustration bottled up will inevitably lead to an explosion at an inappropriate time. 

@ the OP.  Become the Boss (what I did) then you can laugh at them and fire them.  (Or should I say let them go as there is not enough work for them).  Then make sure you don't hire any more irritating self absorbed idiots.  It has worked for me.

Work from home. I'm the same way. Brutally honest. Get the job done. Most people don't get how to take someone like that.

When I interviewed for my position, I told my boss what kind of person I am, and have no tolerance for people not getting their crap done and expecting me to carry their load. I'll work as a team, but when your responsibility is clearly defined, and people just don't get anything done, then want help getting their crap done too...   When it starts happening, I document it, and pass it on to the boss, then help out. Which she collects till there is enough to do something about it. I cuss and rant at a screen and make sure my crap is done, and done right. My neighbors probably think I'm nucking futz on days I leave the window open.

I don't drink. Drinking takes what restraint I have for not calling people out for their BS and throws it out the window. I figured out as a teenager that I can piss someone off to the point of trying to beat the crap out of me. Spent years in martial arts when I was younger (to help with anger issues), then when I went into corrections, they showed me ways to apply it I hadn't thought of yet. Not calling myself a bad ass, or the next UFC champ, but if I decide to lay a hand on you, it's going to hurt. I don't like hurting people. 

The thing I learned in martial arts was to just let it roll off, and to not sweat it. Most things I can ignore, but there are a few that really set me off.  Work, money, wife, family and those people who I actually call a friend(funny enough I met most of these on here). Mess with those, you'll see me "agitated".

dean1484 said:

@ the OP.  Become the Boss (what I did) then you can laugh at them and fire them.  (Or should I say let them go as there is not enough work for them).  Then make sure you don't hire any more irritating self absorbed idiots.  It has worked for me.

10 years ago I got out of the restaurant management game because I got tired of the 50-60 hours a week grind. But yeah, that works amazingly well. My night crew made it a game for me to find something wrong with their closing work. It got to the point where I had to find little stupid crap for them to fix (straighten the tea urns or some E3 M3) at the end of the night. After closing, they could have their choice of beverage if they were of age, under the condition there was never any evidence for the owner to find when he did his morning surprise inspections, and by the end of my time there. The crew ran it self, and we were out of there within 20-30 minutes after closing nightly. Everyone knew their job, and what was expected of them. Knew what shenanigans would be tolerated, and if some BS artist made it through the interview process, I knew the crew wouldn't put up with their crap and they would leave of their own accord, or I would give them a week or two to get with the program. If they didn't, they were told to hit the road. My biggest stress in that situation was a micromanager of an owner, which I finally told to go Berk himself.

And yes I was out there busting my hump with them. Even taking some of the nastier jobs for myself. (ever clean out a 3 sink grease trap?)

edwardh80 said:

I'm pretty sure I invented the word "Hangry" because it describes me so well. In all seriousness, make sure you maintain a good blood sugar level - eat healthy stuff regularly throughout the day. I'm embarrasingly grumpy and short-fused sometimes, and it's mostly when I'm hungry and tired.

The 14 year old skinny daughter gets really mad and argues then I ask her - when did you eat last?   Yep, this exact situation.   

Zoloft helped me a lot with anxiety and anger. It did nothing for attention improvement, which is what I was wanting.  It did cause nausea, sweating and trembling.  First medication I’ve taken where the side effects almost outweighed the benefits.  

Know what's almost as bad as the guy who doesn't get his E36 M3 done? It's the guy who loses his E36 M3 all the time.

It's like getting hit by the bus in the crosswalk when you've got the right of way. You may be right, but effectively you're still roadkill.

Edit: Sometimes handling your E36 M3 IS just figuring out how to get things done with less than perfect co-workers. Welcome to management :p

 Bad temper here.  Everyone is different,  but for me I had to have a reason not to go off.  For example,  I don’t want to lose this job,  I don’t want to go to jail,  I don’t want to mess up this relationship,  plus honestly I just don’t want to be an shiny happy person (most of the time anyway).  That’s what has helped me immensely through the years.  It’s also why I feel people with nothing to lose are so dangerous.

Age has also helped,  but with age I also have been fortunate and have much more to lose,  so I guess that goes hand and hand with the above.

I had an epiphany this afternoon, and my fury at the guy melted away as soon as I realized it.

For the record, the guy I'm angry at isn't the self-serving sales guy who makes my job difficult. It's the manager (one of the two principle owners, I'm a minority equity partner) who won't hold this guy accountable or be sure the sales/marketing department actually adds value to the company.

I realized my problem was I expected. I expected this owner to care. I expected him to care about the health of the company. I expected him to care about the employees (me). I was angry because early in the week he'd told me how he cares and wants me to be comfortable coming to him when I have a problem. Then when I did (sales guy sold something he shouldn't have), he was condescending and dismissive. I snapped. I snapped because I expected him to care about me.

As soon as I realized he doesn't care about me and isn't (primarily) motivated by the health and success of this company I realized... there's no reason for me to be angry. I'm angry because I'm trying to put energy into making things happen to improve the company. But this guy doesn't care, so my energy would be wasted. I can't change him. I can't make him care.

I realized his behavior boggled me because I expected him to hold values similar to my own: wanting to be a part of team bigger than yourself that impacts the community you're a part of. Or even pragmatic mercenary wanting to get money. I realized his behavior made complete sense when I viewed it as him being motivated by ego - wanting people to admire and be impressed by him. And his reactions to my concerns makes sense if he thinks my motivations are pride and ego.

I've expected him to be honest and care because I'm honest and care. He has expected me to play games and be manipulative because he plays games and is manipulative.

EastCoastMojo said:

Don't relinquish your personal time or exercise because of the issue. Keep up your skating routine, you are investing in your own well-being and that helps you to function at your optimum level. You need your vent, just like a ferment. Keeping frustration bottled up will inevitably lead to an explosion at an inappropriate time. 

I need to get back on it. Fact is, we're in the first 6 months of a new company. E36 M3 is stressful and my work schedule is berkeleying weird. Unfortunately, I'm torn between using my free time to exercise, hang out with friends, or spend personal time with the Baroness. Generally time with Baroness wins. Once things settle into a rhythm, it will be easier to be more consistent.

I torture the E36 M3 out of my managers about the lazy ones.  Lazy is the only thing I truly hate.  Goof a little sure but c'mon man get off your ass especially when I'm the lead and I pay your rent.  Torturing managers is completely useless but I occasionally get a kick out of it because it's their job to get the lazy ones to work.  Payback is all I've got to add. 

edwardh80 said:

I'm pretty sure I invented the word "Hangry" because it describes me so well. In all seriousness, make sure you maintain a good blood sugar level - eat healthy stuff regularly throughout the day. I'm embarrasingly grumpy and short-fused sometimes, and it's mostly when I'm hungry and tired.

When I realized that my utterly foul temper gets worse the lower my blood sugar was, the more I used a little bit of introspection.  And started eating more.

New problem:  I gained 20 pounds.  I'm not really happier, but I'm less pissed off at the world, usually.  Well, sometimes.  Maybe if you catch me on a good day.  (the rest of the time, all'a'y'all can berk right off, oh wait are you gonna eat that sandwich?)

In all seriousness:  Any time I find myself extra pissed off about something, now, the VERY FIRST thing I do is evaluate what my eating habits have been in the previous 12-24 hours, and if they have been "poor/nonexistent" then I remind myself that, like the meme says, I need maybe something to eat before I make any more rash decisions.

I find laziness in others doesn't bother me much, but incompetence throws me off the chain. (I'd much rather have the idoits sit there and do nothing rather than work us all further from the goal).

Don't have a great solution for you though, I usually just send snarky emails. That generally kicks off a nice cycle.

I didn't realize I had a temper, I thought I just didn't have any patience for stupid people or bad drivers. But now I realize that I was just angry. Angry at what? I don't know but I watched the movie "The Secret" on NETFLIX and took it to heart. Business was poor and I was negative but decided to try and turn things around. Complaining about things used to be my thing but I stopped the complaining and started looking at the bright side of everything. I don't know what happened but business turned around, I became a happier person and no longer get worked up at stupid people or bad drivers. I also avoid negative people and don't watch the news now because I feel myself getting dragged down into the angry stuff again. Hope this helps.

 "I stopped the complaining and started looking at the bright side of everything. "  And therein lies the path to true enlightenment .....thank the lord almighty for your many blessings y'all peace out...............