Personal reconciliation of ideas, beliefs and actions - a mid-life crisis story

In reply to SVreX:

Sorry, I could not resist the jab. I am kidding though. But, like the scorpion on the frogs back... it's my nature

In reply to Flight Service:

I don't know how old you are but it sounds like you are actually getting old (ok at least over say 30). What you seem to be describing is the difference between most 20 somthing year olds and most 50+ year olds (not all but most)

In reply to G. P. Snorklewacker:

Are you are contradicting yourself? Please don't be one of those people Flight Service was referring to.

I like you contrarian, but not sure I can handle you condradicting yourself!

Actually, I am not sure I have any idea what FS was referring to. I think I need a couple more joints before I can become at one with that idea.

I have no clue what Flight Service is talking about. I read it three times and decided to drink a beer and watch The Walking Dead on Netflix.

To the OP:

I have to ask: why do you care that people contradict themselves? Does it actually impact you in any significant, meaningful way, or is it just that their reaction displeases you? If it's the latter, it is simply a reflection of yourself that you see in them and a great opportunity to learn about thyself.

Fretting over other people's reaction is futile.

You have no say, no rights in other's reactions. So, instead focus on the only individual on whom you have any control: yourself. It's a much more constructive way to live your life.

As soon as I realized that I dance to music that no one else can hear, I think I've come as close to enlightenment as I can get.

I actually think I understand Flight Service's vague and meandering post.

He is fretting over things he was taught or told by others as being true yet sees hypocrisy in how these same people live their lives. As a result he has begun to question these things he has been taught (religion, politics, world view, that Miata is the answer to everything) and is coming up with his own conclusions that don't necessarily jibe with what he's been told all along. In short, he has begun to think for himself--finally--and is a little shocked at what he now sees as truth.

This may be what people refer to as "finding themselves" without really knowing what it means.

Congratulations, FS, for reaching this stage of life. It is a bit painful now but you will bask in the glow of this knowledge soon at which point you will be able to sit back, crack open a favorite beverage and watch those around you with amusement as they continue to live their personal lies. You need to understand that they have no clue how silly they are nor do they have any desire to know anything other than what they think they know. You won't be able to convince them they are wrong, or even to contemplate their beliefs hard enough to increase their faith.

I have swallowed the metaphorical red pill. I have sought the knowledge and ultimately concluded that most of what I was taught about religion, politics, the opposite sex and many other things is wrong or distorted. Though I frequently have to keep my knowledge and beliefs to myself in polite company, ultimately I feel much more at peace with myself and the world around me these days. Instead of boorishly arguing with these other people I now enjoy life more. I may drop little nuggets in the hope they pick them up and explore but also accept that most folks are satisfied being sheep. Red Pill goes down bitter but the results are worth it.

Haven't ended up where you'd envisioned have you? Life didn't go according to plans or the alternative plans either. People are wacked, and secretly you suspect you're just as wacked, and just as oblivious to it.

Congratulations, and welcome to the human race!

So now what?

Well, it depends on which Which wolf you feed, doesn't it?

Can you laugh, or will you rage? Can you look at yourself and be at peace with what you have accomplished, little and great? Can you enjoy others for who and what they are?

neon4891 wrote: I was hoping an Amy or two would be involved.

There was this one time in college with my wife and her best friend....but then I got slapped.

G. P. Snorklewacker wrote:

Curmudgeon wrote: Two things I learned that made my life much better: 1) Dump idealism immediately. All it does is create stress that no one needs. 2) You will do terribly stupid things at times because you are human. Learn to laugh at but learn from those mistakes. Those two have brought me more inner peace than anything else.

Someone I know once told me that almost all human suffering comes from unmet expectations. Learn to just roll with whatever comes from starting the ball rolling. I'm not sure I completely agree but it does have some ring of truth to it - atleast as far as my own attempts to influence the huge rolling ball of my life.

I learned (and had reinforced by recent events) that most 'problems' are really 'inconveniences'. Once someone sees the difference and treats them as what they are the stress level drops way off. Combine that with an acceptance that 'shi+ happens' then one becomes much more serene. Yeah I sound like Yoda. I also learned to allow extra time for stuff, that REALLY helps.

fanfoy wrote: To the OP: I have to ask: why do you care that people contradict themselves? Does it actually impact you in any significant, meaningful way, or is it just that their reaction displeases you? If it's the latter, it is simply a reflection of yourself that you see in them and a great opportunity to learn about thyself. Fretting over other people's reaction is futile. You have no say, no rights in other's reactions. So, instead focus on the only individual on whom you have any control: yourself. It's a much more constructive way to live your life.

Confusion, not fretting but confusion. someone unloads on me because of them self contradicting is the only time it causes me stress. For about as long as it takes me to unload back pointing it out in such away I see a light bulb go off and rage come over them from cognitive dissonance.

That is me happy being a motherberkeleying shiny happy person.

I got "it" when I was about 23. By got "it" means becoming aware of my own ignorance and how my views and actions contradicted my beliefs. I was sitting on a bridge in the Keys. I never wore a watch again after that either.

As far as me being depressed, maybe. But that isn't the point of this. I know where any exterior stresses from that are coming from.

I see people, who I believe they believe they are trying to do good. Then they support, actively campaign, and generally do everything they can to subvert the good they are trying to do in their life and they get pissed when you point it out. Think someone who is an environmentalist yet they drive a Hummer with the fuel turned up and roll coal at every light. Just a simple example, to illustrate the point. Now they get passed when you go, "hey man, might help if you turned the volume down on that thing. Seem to be running a little rich."

I don't want to be that person that screams "it's my Hummer and I am not part of the problem you are!"

Stephen Hawking says there is a singular equation to explain the universe. I don't care so much about that, but I can find no evidence of that our lives can not be run by a single values-beliefs-action structure that doesn't make us our own worst enemy.

I have been working on this for 16 years. I am just now to a point I can even come close to having a reasonable conversation about it.

Flight Service wrote:

neon4891 wrote: I was hoping an Amy or two would be involved.

There was this one time in college with my wife and her best friend....but then I got slapped.

Heh... mine involved my GF and one of her friends. I didn't get slapped but there was some griping about who went first... that's fine.

In reply to ddavidv:

80/20 rule yes, this. Miata is the answer Everything else you said seems close.

I don't think there's a 'unified field theory' for human interactions. If we were like the Vulcans, maybe. But not with as many different sets of experiences as there are out there combined with the rule of emotion over reason.

Here's my advice.

ddavidv gets it.

There's nothing so valuable in our lives as time. About the only thing that gets me truly upset with other people is when they waste mine. Conversely, I try very hard to respect the time of others. Everything else isn't worth the stress it brings to your life.

Flight Service wrote:

fanfoy wrote: To the OP: I have to ask: why do you care that people contradict themselves? Does it actually impact you in any significant, meaningful way, or is it just that their reaction displeases you? If it's the latter, it is simply a reflection of yourself that you see in them and a great opportunity to learn about thyself. Fretting over other people's reaction is futile. You have no say, no rights in other's reactions. So, instead focus on the only individual on whom you have any control: yourself. It's a much more constructive way to live your life.

Confusion, not fretting but confusion. someone unloads on me because of them self contradicting is the only time it causes me stress. For about as long as it takes me to unload back pointing it out in such away I see a light bulb go off and rage come over them from cognitive dissonance. That is me happy being a motherberkeleying shiny happy person. I got "it" when I was about 23. By got "it" means becoming aware of my own ignorance and how my views and actions contradicted my beliefs. I was sitting on a bridge in the Keys. I never wore a watch again after that either. As far as me being depressed, maybe. But that isn't the point of this. I know where any exterior stresses from that are coming from. I see people, who I believe they believe they are trying to do good. Then they support, actively campaign, and generally do everything they can to subvert the good they are trying to do in their life and they get pissed when you point it out. Think someone who is an environmentalist yet they drive a Hummer with the fuel turned up and roll coal at every light. Just a simple example, to illustrate the point. Now they get passed when you go, "hey man, might help if you turned the volume down on that thing. Seem to be running a little rich." I don't want to be that person that screams "it's my Hummer and I am not part of the problem you are!" Stephen Hawking says there is a singular equation to explain the universe. I don't care so much about that, but I can find no evidence of that our lives can not be run by a single values-beliefs-action structure that doesn't make us our own worst enemy. I have been working on this for 16 years. I am just now to a point I can even come close to having a reasonable conversation about it.

Alright, let's talk about that confusion that you feel. Usually, when someone "contradicts" themselfs it's because one of their beliefs contradicts another of their beliefs. They have to make a choice, and try to accept it. We all have to make choices.

Let's take the example you gave. Let's say I am that Hummer driving enviromentalist. I became a vegetarian because I know how much the meat industry is polluting. I compost, I live in a small enviromentaly-friendly house. I reduce, re-use, recycle religiously. But I drive a Hummer because my parents always drove a old POS VW Bug when I was a kid. All my friends laught at it, which made me feel humiliated. When a few years later, they died in a car crash, I decided that I wouldn't risk my life and get humiliated as well. So I got the largest, baddess ride around. Whether this perception of safety and image is real or not is irrelevent. I'll be enviromental in all aspects of my life, but not this one.

Now you coming to judge me because of this one choice that, for you, undermines all the effort I am making in my life. I have my reasons, and don't need your approval. I could explain everything to you, but why would I want to share some painful memories with someone that already judged me.

This is just an example. Realise that everyone has their reasons (good or bad). Some people hate themselves because of this limit that they have. And you pointing it out does nothing to help them. If you want to induce positive change in the people around you, start by accepting them how they are. If the Hummer enviromentalist in my example could come to peace with his humiliated child and accept the passing of his parents, he would probably drive something else. But that healing starts with acceptance of his emotional pain.

Again, you have to ask yourself why you give a damn about the reactions and choices of other people. It's usually a good pointer to an aspects of yourself. Maybe you have a problem accepting your own contradictions. Maybe it's something else. One thing is for sure, it's making you react, and you don't know why. Start there. Good luck.

You gotta learn how to put on your big smug smirk that says "I know what you're try to do, and its pitiful."

Most of the time people won't even notice this smirk, they'll think you approve, but I think a lot of people try to get attention in these big contradictions. Whether its the irony of a hipster, or douche flying the confederate flag in California, or the stance-tard with a row of stickers each with "f*ck" in them, they are all trying to get a rise out of you.

Don't get angry, just put on a big smug smile and say "ok, bro."

fanfoy wrote:

Flight Service wrote:

fanfoy wrote: To the OP: I have to ask: why do you care that people contradict themselves? Does it actually impact you in any significant, meaningful way, or is it just that their reaction displeases you? If it's the latter, it is simply a reflection of yourself that you see in them and a great opportunity to learn about thyself. Fretting over other people's reaction is futile. You have no say, no rights in other's reactions. So, instead focus on the only individual on whom you have any control: yourself. It's a much more constructive way to live your life.

Confusion, not fretting but confusion. someone unloads on me because of them self contradicting is the only time it causes me stress. For about as long as it takes me to unload back pointing it out in such away I see a light bulb go off and rage come over them from cognitive dissonance. That is me happy being a motherberkeleying shiny happy person. I got "it" when I was about 23. By got "it" means becoming aware of my own ignorance and how my views and actions contradicted my beliefs. I was sitting on a bridge in the Keys. I never wore a watch again after that either. As far as me being depressed, maybe. But that isn't the point of this. I know where any exterior stresses from that are coming from. I see people, who I believe they believe they are trying to do good. Then they support, actively campaign, and generally do everything they can to subvert the good they are trying to do in their life and they get pissed when you point it out. Think someone who is an environmentalist yet they drive a Hummer with the fuel turned up and roll coal at every light. Just a simple example, to illustrate the point. Now they get passed when you go, "hey man, might help if you turned the volume down on that thing. Seem to be running a little rich." I don't want to be that person that screams "it's my Hummer and I am not part of the problem you are!" Stephen Hawking says there is a singular equation to explain the universe. I don't care so much about that, but I can find no evidence of that our lives can not be run by a single values-beliefs-action structure that doesn't make us our own worst enemy. I have been working on this for 16 years. I am just now to a point I can even come close to having a reasonable conversation about it.

Alright, let's talk about that confusion that you feel. Usually, when someone "contradicts" themselfs it's because one of their beliefs contradicts another of their beliefs. They have to make a choice, and try to accept it. We all have to make choices. Let's take the example you gave. Let's say I am that Hummer driving enviromentalist. I became a vegetarian because I know how much the meat industry is polluting. I compost, I live in a small enviromentaly-friendly house. I reduce, re-use, recycle religiously. But I drive a Hummer because my parents always drove a old POS VW Bug when I was a kid. All my friends laught at it, which made me feel humiliated. When a few years later, they died in a car crash, I decided that I wouldn't risk my life and get humiliated as well. So I got the largest, baddess ride around. Whether this perception of safety and image is real or not is irrelevent. I'll be enviromental in all aspects of my life, but not this one. Now you coming to judge me because of this one choice that, for you, undermines all the effort I am making in my life. I have my reasons, and don't need your approval. I could explain everything to you, but why would I want to share some painful memories with someone that already judged me. This is just an example. Realise that everyone has their reasons (good or bad). Some people hate themselves because of this limit that they have. And you pointing it out does nothing to help them. If you want to induce positive change in the people around you, start by accepting them how they are. If the Hummer enviromentalist in my example could come to peace with his humiliated child and accept the passing of his parents, he would probably drive something else. But that healing starts with acceptance of his emotional pain. Again, you have to ask yourself why you give a damn about the reactions and choices of other people. It's usually a good pointer to an aspects of yourself. Maybe you have a problem accepting your own contradictions. Maybe it's something else. One thing is for sure, it's making you react, and you don't know why. Start there. Good luck.

Thank you for trying to help but you missed the simple example statement and made it very complicated. I accounted for your scenario by adding rolling coal. Running rich. I specifically brought up a scenario that has no purpose other than vanity. I get you are trying to show other reasons, I just don't want to write a diatribe for a single post reply.

PHeller wrote: You gotta learn how to put on your big smug smirk that says "I know what you're try to do, and its pitiful." Most of the time people won't even notice this smirk, they'll think you approve, but I think a lot of people try to get attention in these big contradictions. Whether its the irony of a hipster, or douche flying the confederate flag in California, or the stance-tard with a row of stickers each with "f*ck" in them, they are all trying to get a rise out of you. Don't get angry, just put on a big smug smile and say "ok, bro."

I smirk, wife yells, smirk goes away. Most people don't notice smirk, wife notices smirk. Must make new smirk. (say this in Dustin Hoffman's voice in Rain Man and you would understand my inner monologue right now.)

Guys, this isn't a "how can I get others to understand this" post, I am asking in my sphere of influence, "Am I the only one working on/noticeing this?"

Man, don't berkeleying overthink it. Sometimes ya just gotta go w/ things no matter your ideals or belief system etc.

Hypothetically speaking... say you're in bed w/ a woman you've known for quite some time, all is good. Right then a younger, naked woman jumps in the sack w/ y'all. Do you question ideals, belief systems, morals, values, complications, the purpose of this in the grand scheme of things in the Universe etc.

Hypothetically... no, ya just berkeleying go w/ it. Some things in life are like that.

You're not the only one, pretty much a daily bout here. Not so much about others, more internal of living the life I have vs the one idealized or imagined.

fasted58 wrote: Man, don't berkeleying overthink it. Sometimes ya just gotta go w/ things no matter your ideals or belief system etc. Hypothetically speaking... say you're in bed w/ a woman you've known for quite some time, all is good. Right then a younger, naked woman jumps in the sack w/ y'all. Do you question ideals, belief systems, morals, values, complications, the purpose of this in the grand scheme of things in the Universe etc. Hypothetically... no, ya just berkeleying go w/ it. Some things in life are like that.

I think you missed this post...

Flight Service wrote:

neon4891 wrote: I was hoping an Amy or two would be involved.

There was this one time in college with my wife and her best friend....but then I got slapped.

In reply to Flight Service:

You're still overthinking E36 M3 IMO if you're that hung up on your original topic.