Reinventing yourself in your 60s

First of all I want to say that I really appreciate this place - not just the car stuff. I feel like you're an extension of my "tribe". I've known some of you guys by face or by your words for 25 years now!

Without getting into the sordid details, I find myself at a point in life where I want to alter my course. I can't really retire yet, but I've been slogging my way along for over 30 years doing a job that's become pretty unrewarding. I want to expand my focus and get a grip on the direction(s) to take for the rest of my productive life. I have a lot of blessings. Health, family, home, location.... but I have a plugger mentality. I go about life via a bunch of habits that are not easy to break, and I think that a major part of this reinvention has to be an opening up of my mind and outlook.

I hate self-help books and don't much care for therapists (with the exception of my wife). Religion is useful, but vague and tending towards the dogmatic. I think that as much as anything, I could learn from others who have experienced voluntary transitions in life. It's commonly held that people don't change, and for sure there are a lot of things that are hardwired into us, but there are also many that have proven that adage wrong. Sometimes it comes via catastrophe or a major challenge of some sort. My wife's battle with cancer actually really helped her get her head straightened out in a number of ways. But the harder change is the incremental one. The one that bucks the the siren call to leave things alone and fall back into your comfort zone.

Any thoughts from the GRM wisdom bank?

I thought this was more of bleaching your hair, beard, teeth and a George Hamilton tan thread which might help me. 

My angle is on the religious side -attending a weekly service and being part of a small group helps me a lot. Having an hour with my peers and talking to them is helpful.   Written goals are also important to me along with reading stuff from motivational people; Zig Ziglar. 
 

I don't understand the point of the question......are you wanting to start a totally new career in a completely different field? Are you trying to sort out complicated internal issues? Is it political? I mean, what is it you're actually asking?

Clarify that and the road becomes much clearer.....

Granted, I've been back into cycling and generally staying in shape since around the time I turned 40, but as I get into my 60's I find that I do not regret spending time exercising.  It's a little demoralizing when you realize you're fighting a losing battle, but it doesn't keep me from pushing to keep what I've got or even build upon it.

Exercise has always been a part of what keeps my head from exploding.  I'm doing 50 to 60 miles/week on the bike and 3 days/week weight training.  As 1988RedT2 said in your 60s you aren't going to become Arnold but you can hold on to what you have.

As far as the job, you might just need a change of scenery.  Doing the same thing at a new company can seem totally different.

As much as I don't like the word "religion", I do think a strong faith in something greater than yourself is important.  The mainline churches are losing a lot of their members from being "dogmatic".  I grew up Catholic and drifted away for various reasons and now belong to a non-denominational church and find the experience very positive and uplifting.  YMMV.  Back story, I was widowed 16 years ago and when I was dating my current wife she introduced me to the non-Catholic faiths.

I have one-hand single digits to retirement.

I am a strong believer in having some kind of hobby that gives you a reason to get up and go to work every day. Something you can transition to when you retire.  

Last school year teeter-tottered for me, where the day job (shop teacher) was now getting in the way of the hobby I wanted to do.  This past school year teetered more, and was the first year it teetered for my wife.

As men, we usually find our identity in our work, but the problem is that "work" won't always be there, and that "work" won't be what is most fulfilling or where our identity "should" be coming from.

Questions to ask yourself: "who am I as a person?" and "what am I really into?"

I turned 60 yesterday so this is a super timely topic for me.

Personally, I'm in a really good place as I was raised on a rich diet of conditional love never being worth more than my last report card and then later my last paycheck.

Well, I've now officially crossed the finish line of life expectations...if I never produce anything of value again, so be it, all of the boxes (parenthood, financial, accomplishments, everything) have been checked.

I don't know where I'll go from here, without revealing too much, Mrs. RX Reven' is much younger than I and she insists on our being on the exact same time line.

Perhaps the astonishingly insightful philosophy put forth in the movie Strips is my destiny..."drive fast cars and screw hot chicks".

Relax, I'm just joking...well maybe not...no, no, really I'm just joking.

Perhaps the best thing that I've done for myself the last couple of years is to hire a good personal trainer. So I'm with you guys 100 percent on that.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic or morose, I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life, and I do not wish for that to continue during the rest of my productive time on earth. So I'm looking for perspective and inspiration on how to become a better and more fulfilled individual. What has worked for you guys who have fought similar battles? Where do you draw inspiration from? How do you stay focused, and not lose track in the day-to-day grind? "Reinvention" is probably too strong a term. 

In reply to Kreb (Forum Supporter) :

First of all I'll third the suggestion to get on/back on a bike - or some similar type of outdoor activity. It's definitely turned my life around over the past couple years. 

Regarding fulfillment, it's always seemed to me like that's something you need to prioritize by category: Want to take your career to the next level? You likely can, but that's going to take time/energy away from a different part of your life. 

Besides that method, you're basically either left with either a certain level of mediocrity in all facets of your life, or periodically switching up your priorities. 

OK, minor confession time; I'm going to subscribe to this newsletter as it has recently become a bit more topical. 

I'm the weirdo that's not ready to be done and I suddenly have a bit of time on my hands at least until the beginning of next year.  So for now it's time for that thing I don't have so much of; patience.   Maybe this will be a good thing for me, we shall see.  (Don't cry for me Argentina, it's summer, the island house is in full swing and with any luck the sailboat will be in the water tomorrow.  I think I'll be able to cope. If it was February - April well that's a whole different thing so glass half full.)  

Another thought I had, many hobbies, at this stage, become "lifestyles".  If you buy the Corvette be prepared to hang out with Corvette people and go to car shows, etc.  If you take up scuba, be prepared to go on dive trips with scuba people.  Pilots license, ditto.  That's not necessarily a bad thing because you'll probably have a lot in common with them.

Otherwise, have lots of different hobbies...

What do you want to do? Do it. What about your life do you feel like you're missing out on? Make it happen.

After COVID hit I left behind everything I ever knew and moved from Wisconsin to California. I'm now living in San Francisco, driving a Porsche and my life isn't perfect but it has never been better.

Not everybody wants something like this exactly but the point is that I swallowed a lot of fears and jumped into the great unknown in pursuit of living my dreams and I've never felt more alive.

You only live once!!! Make the most of it.

Kreb (Forum Supporter) said:

I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life, and I do not wish for that to continue during the rest of my productive time on earth. So I'm looking for perspective and inspiration on how to become a better and more fulfilled individual. What has worked for you guys who have fought similar battles? Where do you draw inspiration from? How do you stay focused, and not lose track in the day-to-day grind?

I find my inspiration on this forum.

Attend the Challenge. You'll be inspired, I promise.

I don't think I was very secretive about my dislike for the last several years of my career, and most of that was on me for chasing money instead of fulfillment. So I chased fulfillment outside of work. 11 years ago I started running, trained for and ran a full marathon in 2013, then again in 14 15 16 and 17. An injury in 2018 broke my streak.

In 2019 I quit running when I started building my [strikethrough] 2019 / 2020 / 2021 / 2022 [/strikethrough] 2023 Challenge car.

I found that the non-career endeavors were enough to sustain me through 10 years of not liking my job. A couple months ago I was able to retire at 57, thanks to a "big enough" payout for something I helped a friend invent outside of work back in 2008. I'm so much happier now, although still not stress-free.

So, exercise and build stuff and retire. :-)

In regards to job, one thing I discovered was Social Security only looks at 'x' number of years and uses the highest earnings of all of them to calculate your benefit. So, if you work until you are 60 but have enough years of 'high pay' in their system you can actually take a lower paying (and more rewarding?) job until you hit full retirement age. In my case, I was prepared to leave my job in the insurance industry at 62 and just drive a handicap bus or something until I hit Medicare age. 

As for the 'having a purpose' part, I have multiple hobbies I spend time with. I work on cars and motorcycles. I take trips on the bikes. I build model cars. I participate in running a model train layout once a month (which is more a social thing than actually running trains). I did plink a musical instrument but kind of drifted from that. I've written books. I make YouTube videos. I dig genealogy.  That's all enough to keep me occupied while I'm still working.

Even as an INT-J personality I still need social interaction, just in small doses. The model train thing helps. I suppose getting involved with a church group would be another outlet, but being an atheist that isn't really an option.  

Most of it is just finding little 'missions' to give me things to do that don't revolve around work or spousal entertainment. There are innumerable things one can find to keep life interesting. 

ddavidv said:

Social Security only looks at 'x' number of years and uses the highest earnings of all of them to calculate your benefit.

Your best 35 years after adjusting for inflation are used in the calculation.

For 2024, an income of $168,600 maximizes the calculation so making more will not increase your S.S. benefit.

Edit...

S.S. benefits are highly regressive...a person that makes $84,300 (half of the maximum) will receive ~73.37% as much as a person making the maximum.

Bottom line - focus on putting in your 35 years rather than how much you make.   

I promise I'm not trying to convince you, but men often dismiss therapy because of society.  I was fortunate to have been raised by parents who never said things like "walk it off, son," or "boys don't cry."  I see a therapist regularly, even when I don't have any crisis happening.

It really does work if you find the right one.  My therapist is great, and covered by insurance, so $20 every two weeks or so and I feel great.  I could tell her that I was an axe murderer and she would probably say, "you must be good at it because you haven't been caught yet."

If you don't like them, don't do it, but finding the right therapist is a thing of beauty.  It's like a paid friend who has been trained in exactly how to know what your brain is doing.  It's like unburdening yourself at confession without the judgy priest shaming you.

Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) said:

I promise I'm not trying to convince you, but men often dismiss therapy because of society.  I was fortunate to have been raised by parents who never said things like "walk it off, son," or "boys don't cry."  I see a therapist regularly, even when I don't have any crisis happening.

It really does work if you find the right one.  My therapist is great, and covered by insurance, so $20 every two weeks or so and I feel great.  I could tell her that I was an axe murderer and she would probably say, "you must be good at it because you haven't been caught yet."

If you don't like them, don't do it, but finding the right therapist is a thing of beauty.  It's like a paid friend who has been trained in exactly how to know what your brain is doing.  It's like unburdening yourself at confession without the judgy priest shaming you.

Thanks, and thanks to everyone. I've tried therapy. Hell, I've even tried Scientology. Was paying a therapist $140/wk for a 50 minute session when I decided to spend that money on a personal trainer, where the results are more tangible. But I getcha. I do believe in the practice -but think that its success requires a combination of skills, chemistry, and circumstance which I haven't found yet. 

I was doing my weekly wrenching session with a friend a few weeks ago and it came upon me that I was the happiest that I'd been all week. Part of it was the wrenching, but mainly it was the camaraderie. I don't know if doing more interpersonal stuff will turn me in the direction that I need to go, but I'm pretty sure that it will make me happier.  For whatever reason, it seems that more of my motorhead acquaintances are of the two-wheeled variety than the 4-wheeled kind. Maybie I need to get my Velocette back on the road and join the Oakland Motorcycle club like I've been thinking of.

BTW, part of the "clock is ticking" element of this is that my wife is a few years older than me. She takes great care of herself, and may well outlast me, but I see time taking its toll on her. I can still take a 10-mile hike in the hills, but she's pretty played out after a couple miles. 

I've had a six-figure salary for a bunch of years, so social security is going to be kind to me. The comment above about dialing back the work makes a lot of sense. Having worked in construction, the opportunity exists to take on intermittent projects or do seasonal work (HVAC). One of my dreams is to move to Mexico for  few months and gain more fluency in Spanish. Working around construction, that would also be a useful skill, as in Northern California, most residential construction is now done by hispanics.

I retired at 56 and spent my time in the garage building the never-ending Challenge car. Then my health took a turn for the worse. Now I can't work on cars nearly as much, I've given up golf and hockey. I really need to find something else to occupy some of my time. Having been through this, my only advice would be to make your bucket list and get on with it. Life can change directions quickly, so get through the list, and if you're still fit make another list ....rinse and repeat as often as you can. Life is good if you make it that way.

I'm 50 now, and looking to develop a new path soon, as my kids are growing up, and will be out of the nest in the next 5 years. 
 

While I enjoy some hobbies, I always have the voice of my departed mother in the background..."Is this for you, or for others?". She was a very kind, giving,  charitable woman. 

Like others mention, men tend to find purpose and identity in our work. Your skills and experience may be very useful to a charitable group. Find a group of like minded people, in service to your local community.

I have several retired friends, and they all have a busy life in service. Charity board of directors, as treasurers with a local festival, part time help at the food bank, horticultural society, etc. 

You mention you are a religious man...I am thankful for all the blessings I have been given, and understand that they were not given to me, solely for my own purposes. As we enjoy the fruits of our life of hard work, let's see where we can collectively give back. The reward will be paid back to you twofold. 
 

I'm 68, and am planning to work full time at least until my 70th birthday, less than 15 months away. My social security will top out at 70, so I'll be able to start taking it. The job is extremely demanding, so I'll see how that goes. If I can, the goal is to work until I turn 72, so I overlap the SS payments with full time paychecks.

My outside activity is autocross, started at 62 and have become pretty competitive on a local level, so that was a reinvention of sorts.

Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) said:

I promise I'm not trying to convince you, but men often dismiss therapy because of society.

PTSD therapy (EMDR) was monumental in getting me to where I am now.  Highly recommended.

SkinnyG said:

Curtis73 (Forum Supporter) said:

I promise I'm not trying to convince you, but men often dismiss therapy because of society.

PTSD therapy (EMDR) was monumental in getting me to where I am now.  Highly recommended.

 

I followed closely when you posted of your experiences with that. It was very relevant to me.

I got my head messed up pretty bad in my career with the fire department. I wound up retiring early just to try and salvage something of my life before there was nothing left. It's been an uphill battle but I'm getting there. Riding my bike 200 miles per week has been instrumental with it. Now I'm ready to go back to work and do something that I like.

TL:DR. Determine the things you love to do, the things that make you happy, and pursue them with passion.

I did something like this in my 50's. I was a long time at the same company, had developed some bad habits, was overweight, and was just coasting through life. I was enjoying myself, but I most certainly wasn't doing it with any level of pride or accomplishment. I was in a rut.

It all started with a rather embarrassing encounter with a personal trainer. He was running the athletic facilities at a resort in St. Lucia. I was there on vacation committing most of the seven deadly sins when I ran into him in the gym one day at lunch. I bent his ear, and he reciprocated by helping me with my routine. After about 45 minutes he asked how long I'd been at it, and when I answered three years, he made a face in disgust, wrapped up his workout and promptly left. It was at that moment I realized how incredibly lame I was. I had just been going through the motions with no goals, or end game. That's not me.

As soon as we got home I immediately changed my diet and stepped up my routine at the gym. I did a lot of research, and set goals. In the spring I started riding my bike more frequently, doing hour long motos, and pushing myself to find my limits. My life was consumed with, and everything was focused on getting in shape, and being the best I could be at everything I did. Within a year I was in the best shape I'd ever been, I was 30lbs lighter, very well built and never looked better. I bought all new clothes, and at the track I was running the top classes, and people were asking what happened. We started going out with other couples (use your imagination), pushed our limits, and pursued things that made us happy.

The year after that encounter we went back to the same resort, and I was in top shape. I looked for the guy who'd been running the facilities so I could thank him. I had turned my life around thanks to him, and was grateful for what he did, but he was no longer there :(

@FloatingDoc (and anyone else in this position) - I looked at deferring SS until later and figured out that it made more sense to collect the money starting at 65.5 and put it in an index fund, including the tax implications.  I would have to live for a really long time to make deferring it pay off.  Might be different with your tax situation.

My last year at work seemed to take forever. Then we went traveling.  First Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Europe, and the US in a trailer.  Getting out of the house and out of my head - Asia in particular - was great - it was a reset both mentally and healthwise.  Walking miles, beach, good food, etc. and it was cheaper than living in the US, even with airfares.   Two years of mostly traveling was enough time to figure out what I wanted to do next, and we got lots of stories to tell.

Curtis mentioned therapy. While he's not wrong, I was successful in working things out on my own by riding motorcycle. Yes, really. It was not an intentional substitute, but it's been very effective. There is a saying that you'll never see a motorcycle parked in front of a therapist's office. Probably not completely true, but there is something to it. 

Both hour-long and days-long rides have given me time to myself. Coccooned inside my helmet, I can have that conversation with myself and work stuff out. I am my therapist. I'm sure it won't work for everyone, but it did for me. Sure, I may benefit from therapy still, but I was able to step back from some pretty major problems and see them objectively. It helped me make career decisions. It allowed me to see why I should stay in my marriage. I gained clarity that I was not actually carrying a torch for a long-ago girlfriend and instead wanted the life she was living because she had the daughter I never had. All for the price of a few gallons of fuel. 

There is something about the riding process that allows this. I believe it is the brain's software running quietly in the background keeping the bike upright and using the various controls. Being inside a helmet removes most of the outside noises (and I never listen to music or have a phone connected). Riding through good scenery at a serene speed, with my senses somewhat dulled by the helmet, allows the thinking part of my brain to tackle the heavier problems without interference. While it hasn't saved my life (I was never that troubled) it certainly has saved my marriage and made me a better, happier person.