z31maniac wrote: You guys must be a bunch of shiny happy people. I lived with my best friends from high school for 2 and 4 years in college, we are still friends and all live within about 5 minutes of each (although living that close to each other wasn't intentional). Is the "I hate people and I can't get along" the new "I prefer the purity of a manual" attitude?
Some people do seem proud to be shiny happy people that can't get along with other people.
A fair number of people seem real bitter too. Seems they would rather burn all bridges by "move out while he is gone and tell him to screw off!" Isn't this the type of thing that is pretty easily handled by talking? Maybe it won't change the situation but at least you would have a better understanding, and the PO can still move out.
You gotta build bridges, not burn them
I think it depends. I'm an only child and admit to being a bit spoiled with regards to having my own "space". I also never lived at college so I didn't get the 'sharing space' education. In my case, there was a big disparity in life styles at the time as well. When the band we were in broke up, we still stayed in touch and talked a lot, but I was moving away from music and got heavily into biking and racing. I was also working a more convential job where I was getting up at oh-dark-early instead of the more leasurely wake-up times when I worked retail. Both led me away from late nights hanging out and playing music, which my friend was still (and still is) involved with.
And... the arrangment was supposed to be temporary... (remember: I wasn't charging rent) and when it seemed he wasn't really looking for a more permanent housing arrangement, I called him on it. He was bitter about it for awhile, but it worked out in the end.
I've had roommate arrangements work out well and work out horribly (as in, had to sue them for hundreds of dollars worth of unpaid bills). It's really hard to tell just how things will work out initially- some of the people I expected things would be difficult with worked out famously while a few I thought would not have any problems with ended up being the worst roommates I've had.
93EXCivic wrote: So I am the only one who has roomed with multiple friends in houses/ apartments and am still friends with them and had very few problems living with them?
z31maniac wrote: You guys must be a bunch of shiny happy people. I lived with my best friends from high school for 2 and 4 years in college, we are still friends and all live within about 5 minutes of each (although living that close to each other wasn't intentional).
No, Like I said, I've had good experiences living with friends (and best friends) as well. And this one only has one experience that is really bad, but it is a dealbreaker.
fritzsch wrote: A fair number of people seem real bitter too. Seems they would rather burn all bridges by "move out while he is gone and tell him to screw off!" Isn't this the type of thing that is pretty easily handled by talking? Maybe it won't change the situation but at least you would have a better understanding, and the PO can still move out. You gotta build bridges, not burn them
I'm not moving out while he's gone, in fact I am going to give him a chance to rethink how much he wants to impose his morals upon me. But I need to make sure I have an out, because this really is unacceptable.
Two pages and no one has suggested an upper-decker in the toilet on the last day you live there? You people are slipping...
mtn wrote: Fortunately, there is no lease. The plan is to find a place that would be ready within a week or two, and just before I sign, tell him I'm out. If he reconsiders the overnight guest policy, I'll stay until December. Then in December, I'm out.
Don't reconsider, if you have a good alternative lined up. That's just asking for it to go south again once your alternative is no longer an option.
keethrax wrote:mtn wrote: Fortunately, there is no lease. The plan is to find a place that would be ready within a week or two, and just before I sign, tell him I'm out. If he reconsiders the overnight guest policy, I'll stay until December. Then in December, I'm out.Don't reconsider, if you have a good alternative lined up. That's jstu askign for it to go south again once your alternative is no longer an option.
Agree with that.
mtn wrote:fritzsch wrote: A fair number of people seem real bitter too. Seems they would rather burn all bridges by "move out while he is gone and tell him to screw off!" Isn't this the type of thing that is pretty easily handled by talking? Maybe it won't change the situation but at least you would have a better understanding, and the PO can still move out. You gotta build bridges, not burn themI'm not moving out while he's gone, in fact I am going to give him a chance to rethink how much he wants to impose his morals upon me. But I need to make sure I have an out, because this really is unacceptable.
What about just talking to him? Grab a beer out in the garage (closest to neutral place on the property) and ask him what he's on about with the "overnight guest" thing. Maybe it's not your girlfriend, but you. Tell him you can move out if it's easier- if the "living in sin" is the issue, then I'd mention that the conduct of my personal life isn't going to be a condition of renting a room. If that's an issue, I've got to find a new place to be, because she's really special to me. Then stop talking and see what he says.
fritzsch wrote: A fair number of people seem real bitter too. Seems they would rather burn all bridges by "move out while he is gone and tell him to screw off!" Isn't this the type of thing that is pretty easily handled by talking? Maybe it won't change the situation but at least you would have a better understanding, and the PO can still move out. You gotta build bridges, not burn them
not bitter ... just pragmatic .... there's lots less ranting and raving if you're just suddenly gone ... BTDT ... (the trying to talk it out part)
the home owner has already made it perfectly clear how he feels ... talking won't change a thing ... if he were open to discussion, he would have talked instead of ordering ....
leave ... don't look back
wbjones wrote:fritzsch wrote: A fair number of people seem real bitter too. Seems they would rather burn all bridges by "move out while he is gone and tell him to screw off!" Isn't this the type of thing that is pretty easily handled by talking? Maybe it won't change the situation but at least you would have a better understanding, and the PO can still move out. You gotta build bridges, not burn themnot bitter ... just pragmatic .... there's lots less ranting and raving if you're just suddenly gone ... BTDT ... (the trying to talk it out part) the home owner has already made it perfectly clear how he feels ... talking won't change a thing ... if he were open to discussion, he would have talked instead of ordering .... leave ... don't look back
I concur, a friend who tries to get between you and your significant other is no friend I would want.
I will lay out the theory that he is in love with you and sees your GF as a threat to that love.
There are just a few things in you that he needs to change and all will be perfect.
My best friend (without my last name) and I lived together in colege and again during our Air Force time. We are still buddies and the key to it for us was open discussiona beforehand about expected behaviors and rules. The "beer" advice is solid espcially in nuetral territory. If nothing else, you leave on a high note rather than a bitter one, even if he is a complete tool.
Forced roomate situation right now, and the slightest disagreement I make a piont to talk about before it becomes bitter hatred that boils to the surface. So far its worked out.
It can be done, but it requires communication. It seems like he is liking to skill set, so you have to bring it to the table
"imposing his morals on you"? I feel like there are some extra details in this story.
Also, I agree, looking for housing SUCKS.
In reply to Rufledt:
The OP made reference to the fact that the dude's fiance might be behind at least the "no girlfriends in the bedroom" rule.
I'd wager money she's behind the booze and shoe thing too, and the roommate probably isn't exactly wearing the pants in their relationship.
I like living alone, but have no problem sharing a place with other folks as long as there's a mutual respect for one another and our living space.
Racer1ab wrote: In reply to Rufledt: The OP made reference to the fact that the dude's fiance might be behind at least the "no girlfriends in the bedroom" rule. I'd wager money she's behind the booze and shoe thing too, and the roommate probably isn't exactly wearing the pants in their relationship. I like living alone, but have no problem sharing a place with other folks as long as there's a mutual respect for one another and our living space.
Fiance is [suspected to be] behind the booze and no girlfriends sleeping over thing, but the shoes is just him "cleaning up" after me. He keeps his shoes out there on a rack, he will put mine out there too. I'm not okay with that just because my shoes are $200 shoes that I expect to last me 15-30 years, and keeping them outside isn't conducive to such longevity.
Looked at one place last night, looking at another tonight, conversation will be happening soon.
Rufledt wrote: "imposing his morals on you"? I feel like there are some extra details in this story.
Doubt it. Maybe there are, but she is from the type of family that doesn't allow dancing because it might lead to sex.
Ok, I am exaggerating there.
I had the opposite happen. I took in a friend who's wife told him to get out. I have a spare bedroom, so it was not a big deal. He helped with food and utilities..
but the damn lazy ass parked his computer in the living room and -never- left it unless it was to go to work
I was never so happy when he packed up and moved back to the UK
mad_machine wrote: I had the opposite happen. I took in a friend who's wife told him to get out. I have a spare bedroom, so it was not a big deal. He helped with food and utilities.. but the damn lazy ass parked his computer in the living room and -never- left it unless it was to go to work I was never so happy when he packed up and moved back to the UK
I had something similar, with slightly different details. I was doing a favor for a newish friend, and it just didn't work out- realized that the family needs our "alone" time, and he wanted to be very social with all of us. I'm the type that takes a long time for you to enter my inner circle- once in, you are family, but otherwise, please keep a little distance and give my fam a chance to be alone together. Partially my fault because I didn't alpha up with very clear and direct expectations... lesson learned.
mtn wrote:clutchsmoke wrote: What a dick. I think I'm probably one of the easiest people to live with. My previous roommates on the other hand? Not so much. This guy strikes me as the type that is difficult and annoying to deal with. Has a problem with gf staying over? WTF? You pay rent for your room. Whatever you do in there by yourself or with other people without disturbing anyone is your own business.See, that is the surprising thing--other than what I'll call the "religious issues", that I think are pushed through him from his fiance, he has been a great roommate. I have had zero issues that are worth mentioning until this bombshell. Otherwise it is easy to keep my booze and my shoes in my room. Found a couple places that I'll be looking at tomorrow and Wednesday, hopefully goes well.
You should hang out in the living room, getting hammered, and watching porn with your shoes on. That'll teach them.
mtn wrote: See, that is the surprising thing--other than what I'll call the "religious issues", that I think are pushed through him from his fiance, he has been a great roommate. I have had zero issues that are worth mentioning until this bombshell. Otherwise it is easy to keep my booze and my shoes in my room.
There's religion that has a problem with shoes in the entryway?
Cotton wrote:mtn wrote:You should hang out in the living room, getting hammered, and watching porn with your shoes on. That'll teach them.clutchsmoke wrote: What a dick. I think I'm probably one of the easiest people to live with. My previous roommates on the other hand? Not so much. This guy strikes me as the type that is difficult and annoying to deal with. Has a problem with gf staying over? WTF? You pay rent for your room. Whatever you do in there by yourself or with other people without disturbing anyone is your own business.See, that is the surprising thing--other than what I'll call the "religious issues", that I think are pushed through him from his fiance, he has been a great roommate. I have had zero issues that are worth mentioning until this bombshell. Otherwise it is easy to keep my booze and my shoes in my room. Found a couple places that I'll be looking at tomorrow and Wednesday, hopefully goes well.
This is brilliant. I'm going to try it tonight.
Well, talked to the roommate. Went much better than expected. He told me it was him, not the fiance with the issues (I'm skeptical), and said that he honestly just doesn't feel comfortable with people around (doesn't surprise me, we're both somewhat introverted).
I agreed that it is his house, and therefore his rules, per se, and he agreed that it would be ridiculous to have to pay for a hotel when I have a room that I am paying for. We also agreed to cut our cable package.
We agreed to talk more on it, he has to think about it some more, but for now the solution is going to be "Hear no evil, see no evil"--I'll need to give him at least a couple days notice that she, or anyone else (my siblings for instance) is coming, and he'll be sure to try to schedule stuff away from the house when she, or anyone else, is here. No, it is not a perfect solution, and I'm not completely happy with it, but the fact is that she doesn't come over that often, and I'm saving enough money here (I'd be paying about 180-190%% of what I am now when all is said and done by moving out) that I can live with this for now (until May-ish at the latest).
I am going to count this as a victory for now. Maintained the friendship, keeping the place (and low rent), and the garage spot, and the girlfriend still gets to come over. I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that this is a non-negotiable issue for me. And the good news is that I do live in a college town and there are always folks looking for a sub-leaser if worst comes to worst.
Sounds like you handled it in a grown-up manner.
I think you and your friend are just incompatible - I don't see any point in (as others have mentioned) burning bridges when you leave. You're both trying to get along, but it's not a perfect situation for either one of you. But after you've found a better solution, you can at least pat yourself on the back for having done the right thing – and still kept a friend.
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