"Successful Loser Complex" and Opinions/Critiques on Everything

I keep encountering this same issue - I'm outspoken, opinionated, and I tend to think my way is the best way of doing something until proven otherwise - and I'll tell you about it. If I've never done something I'm eager to learn, and I certainly differ to experts, but there is a lot of mundane life that I feel like I've mastered (even if I clearly haven't) that I focus on, and I shouldn't. 

I think some of this is because I always thought of myself as a loser. I was an awkward, only child, weird kid, who got bullied and ridiculed a lot. I never expected much from myself. I think I became hyper-aware of my surroundings and what I was doing in relation to other people because I was worried about looking like a fool. I tend to notice stuff that other people don't. 

Now, as an adult, I tend to think of myself as being successful. Like "hey, I got here, so I must've done something right!" As if my perceived success as a loser now warrants my opinion on any challenge I've had. 

It translates to me sounding incredibly critical about all kinds of pointless crap. Not because I truely care about something and its flaws, but because I voice my opinion about insignificant stuff. That hyper-awareness combined with critical constant blabbering impacts interpersonal relationships. My wife feels like I'm constantly criticizing her every move. My friends (and many of you on this very forum) think I'm never happy.  At work I get told that I tend to speak over people and "shoot from the hip" a bit too much. 

Worse is that as I age, and my energy levels decrease, talking (and criticizing) becomes easy, actually DOING something is hard. I spend more time talking, thinking, critiquing, all of that cerebral stuff, more than I do just doing things myself.  

Anyone else have this problem or something similar? How did you resolve it?

I think my next step is get with a therapist or something, but getting it out here and now is always a good thing (or maybe it isnt.) What kind of therapist or counselor should I meet with? 

pheller said:What kind of therapist or counselor should I meet with?

One that you pay to tell you to "shut the berkeley up?"

Sorry, you asked.  Oh, that's a good one.  OK, OK, I'll stop laughing now....

Anyway, work on stepping back a bit, don't criticize so much.  You need to be more conscious of this "shoot from the hip" thing, and back off on the spousal unit criticism. I recently read an article by a woman who watched her hubby give a talk, mentioning that it wasn't fun to come home from a day of work to a woman criticizing his every move.  The woman realized what she was doing, "trying to help" and backed way off, giving him more compliments instead of biatching all the time.  Her marriage got a lot better. 

I doubt any one of us had a "nice" childhood.  I know mine sucked.  Perhaps the main reason I have no children.  Don't use that as an excuse.  Pay attention to what you are doing/saying, especially to those that are important like the wife and coworkers.  Back it off a bit.  Perhaps a lot of a bit.

Sounds like the ballad of any self confident grow-up  male.

Look at the positive side, perfect personality for going up the leader-board!

Pete

Are you self confident, or are you so unsure of yourself that you talk so much and so loudly that no one can contradict you, thereby hurting your sheen of self confidence?  Do you listen to other peoples opinions and engage in meaningful discussion without concern for your ego should someone else have a better plan?

Speaking from experience, my advice is to shut the berkeley up.

Sometimes I even remember to do that.

In reply to NOHOME :

I just wish I had the energy and effort to match my enthusiasm. 

Streetwiseguy said:

Are you self confident, or are you so unsure of yourself that you talk so much and so loudly that no one can contradict you, thereby hurting your sheen of self confidence? 

No, at work I tend to give myself a few seconds before speaking. Even if I have the answer on something in a meeting, I'll let the silence really sink in before I speak...but I'm usually the most long-winded and opinionated regardless. 

Do you listen to other peoples opinions and engage in meaningful discussion without concern for your ego should someone else have a better plan?

This is tricky. I'm very open to other peoples opinions but with one major glaring issue - they need to speak up. I don't give cues like "what is your opinion Rob?" or "Now you should speak because I am done speaking and I value your opinion." I expect people to say what's on their mind, not be asked for it. 

My wife is pretty quiet. It takes her twice as long as most to form an opinion, and she takes her time using words. I'm impatient and I tend to talk before she can adequately express herself. Somehow a guy who loves to elaborate married a woman who is extremely vague. 

pheller said:

I keep encountering this same issue - I'm outspoken, opinionated, and I tend to think my way is the best way of doing something until proven otherwise - and I'll tell you about it.

This, compounded with growing up feeling like a weird, loner, only child stuff really just makes it seem like you never had the chance to learn how to play well with others. Or were perhaps too afraid of being rejected to take advantage of opportunities to do so when/if they came up.

The internet is full of tips and extensive reading for how to improve interpersonal relationships. It's probably worth some skimming at he very least. I think it boils down to taking yourself less seriously, and having enough empathy to put yourself in another person's shoes and consider their viewpoint and how they might react to the things you say.
I'd also suggest making a very concerted effort to listen more than you speak. It sounds like this will be difficult for you, and you may have to listen to somebody talk about things that you already know, but it will at least allow the person you're speaking with to feel "heard" which can go along way.

And hey, if you need frequent reminders that you're not as great as you think you are, you can always come here for verbal beat downs...

pheller said:

This is tricky. I'm very open to other peoples opinions but with one major glaring issue - they need to speak up. I don't give cues like "what is your opinion Rob?" or "Now you should speak because I am done speaking and I value your opinion." I expect people to say what's on their mind, not be asked for it. 

My wife is pretty quiet. It takes her twice as long as most to form an opinion, and she takes her time using words. I'm impatient and I tend to talk before she can adequately express herself. Somehow a guy who loves to elaborate married a woman who is extremely vague. 

Personally, I don't think that "just shut up" is really that easy to do.  So I'm going to suggest actively asking other people's opinion and being patient to get it.  That may be an easier first step that trying to cut yourself off cold turkey.  

BTW, I do think it's important to note that you actually see this flaw in yourself- as it already has made you more aware of when you do it.  That's a big deal, seems to me.

But in the end, you do need to understand the core reason of your lack of confidence.  Once you realize that, and understand where it comes from, I bet you can deal with it.  Having seen someone have a revelation in that recently, I can tell you that therapy isn't 100% in finding that- this revelation came more from starting to write, and using that tool to write experiences.  Which found it's way to the singularity that started much of the issue.  Interesting to see that.

So perhaps start a "blog" and have your wife read it.  I bet the two of you will figure it out.  Or try therapy, if it's available to you.

waiting for SVREX. He's always good at that. 

I also like this one:

Your post sounds pretty autobiographical to me. My wife tells me she can't do anything right according to me. It hurts me because it's far from true, but if I step outside myself, I understand why she feels that way. Strangely enough, I don't think I come across that way to other people. This could be because I don't care about most of them enough to correct them, or it could be because I try much harder to be liked by strangers than those close to me. (Yeah, that's probably the start of it's own berkeleyed up thread...) It could also be that everyone else thinks I'm a dick about that stuff and just doesn't bother to tell me....

One thing that's helped me is having a boss who is the same way or more so about it than I am. I suddenly get the frustration of having what seems like every sentence corrected or modified. Even if it's just stupid little stuff.

I'm trying to focus on being more laid back about it. Unless a mistake has a direct, significant negative result (major physical or financial injury, etc) or someone asks me directly I'm trying to just let it go. It doesn't matter if someone mispronounced a word or misused a term. It's not my job to make sure they're right or wrong, and even if I think I'm being helpful it won't be because they'll be too pissed to care. I also tell myself that it's entirely possible I'm wrong about all that E36 M3 anyway, so there's no reason to force them to be wrong my way instead of being wrong their way. In the end one of us may learn the lesson better when it bites us in the ass. If it never bites us, it didn't matter anyway, did it?

Especially with the wife, remember it's better to be happy than right. Your SO didn't pick you out because they needed a Sensei, they picked you because they needed a companion. Those are different jobs.

Now all I have to do is practice what I preach 

In the same boat. I've gotten better about it over time. I'm MUCH less than what I was. One of the things that I have been practicing is my "rebuttal" to whatever is being said. Instead of thinking about how I'm going to respond while they're talking I stop myself and listen to all of what they say before I start to respond. It's hard. It's sometimes very tedious. But I catch myself 50 times a day stopping mid thought to refocus my attention to the speaker even if I really think that the drivel falling out of their mouth is pointless. 

Same with the wife... I have learned to internalize what I want to say and find a better way to approach things. With her, I try and go from the critical thought to something positive and comment on that instead. It's friggin hard. I hate being mildly intelligent. I'm just smart enough to know a lot of things. I am also smart enough to know that I know a lot of things. But I'm not smart enough to always realize that I am not the final authority on those things and I can stand to learn new things in those topics. 

In reply to bobzilla :

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply"

In reply to STM317 :

TRUTH. Its so true and it's so easy to do it that way. 

pheller said:

Streetwiseguy said:

Are you self confident, or are you so unsure of yourself that you talk so much and so loudly that no one can contradict you, thereby hurting your sheen of self confidence? 

No, at work I tend to give myself a few seconds before speaking. Even if I have the answer on something in a meeting, I'll let the silence really sink in before I speak...but I'm usually the most long-winded and opinionated regardless. 

Do you listen to other peoples opinions and engage in meaningful discussion without concern for your ego should someone else have a better plan?

This is tricky. I'm very open to other peoples opinions but with one major glaring issue - they need to speak up. I don't give cues like "what is your opinion Rob?" or "Now you should speak because I am done speaking and I value your opinion." I expect people to say what's on their mind, not be asked for it. 

My wife is pretty quiet. It takes her twice as long as most to form an opinion, and she takes her time using words. I'm impatient and I tend to talk before she can adequately express herself. Somehow a guy who loves to elaborate married a woman who is extremely vague. 

You and I should really sit down over a huge bucket of beer sometime, lost half brother.

As a fellow loser, only child that used to be bullied, let me say that the phrase "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" definitely does not apply here. Dominating a conversation and being overly critical are defensive techniques that are often used by bullies to mask their own insecurities. I tend to err on the side of "better to be quiet and have the world think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

I never learned anything when I was the one doing the talking. The art of listening is vastly different from "waiting to speak". It may seem like the person who is talking to you is not saying anything remotely new to you, but you may find as you listen that they arrived at the same idea by a completely different path, which can introduce new perspectives for you even if the "idea" is the same as yours.

If you want your words to have more value or be more impactful, use less of them. Focus on bringing positive energy into a conversation whenever possible, especially with loved ones. 

I also want to mention that it is fantastic that you are acknowledging this issue and actively seeking ways to improve your style of communication. In the process remember to be patient and forgiving with yourself. I have always been my own harshest critic, but I have found of course that the world is full of critics, so I don't need to pile on and beat myself up from the inside for not doing better at the things I strive to do. Be kind to yourself, as well as others. 

I used to be that guy with an encyclopedic knowledge of car forum facts that would appear to share them at every opportunity.  Now that I'm older, I know enough now to realize that I don't know everything.

It sounds like you have the same situation as my wife and I, only in reverse.  But I have to say, I was much the same way before I met her.  I made a very conscious decision to make a change.  As such, I'll offer you these observations:

First, it's exhausting to be around someone who only has bad comments to say about anything.  It's literally draining of your energy to only hear about things that are bad.  Look for the good in things.  Try to contribute positive thoughts and ideas to the people around you.  "I see we are doing this, and I thought that trying this might make things easier, faster, simpler, etc.  Anybody want to give it a try with me?"  Also - venting about a situation is a good, healthy thing.  But, venting is the first time you complain about something.  The second through the fifth time you "vent" about something isn't venting - it's you obsessing about something and being an shiny happy person.

Second, when you look at these situations, ask yourself if it affects you personally in any way.  If it is something that does not affect you, or those you care about, why are you wasting time thinking about it?  What benefit is it to you to spend time thinking about things that have nothing to do with you?  This one alone changed my attitude 100% for the better.

Third, before contributing your opinion on a situation, ask if what you are about to add will improve, or even change the situation in any way.  If you aren't offering a solution, you're just adding to the complaining and the negative energy.  You're making it worse.

Finally, force yourself to think about the good in your life at least once a day.  Seriously.  I know it sounds stupid.  Just do it.  One of my in-laws dad one told me "Gratitude is a superpower".  He was right.  I try to be observant and appreciative of the small things - it's a nice sunny day outside, or the dog was particularly happy to see me when I got home, or I got a good work session in on the race car.

My $.02

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/hesaid-confessions-of-a-recovering-narcissist/

Been there, done that.  Also I know people that could have written the first post word for word.

Most of them don't realize it though.  If you realize it, you can change it.

ProDarwin said:

If you realize it, you can change it.

If only it were that easy. 

We could all benefit from a bit more humility.  It's a trait that we seem less interested in encouraging in children these days, and we are the worse for it.

The most quietly competent, respected, genuine, friendly, non-critical and approachable people I know attend and are active in my church.  Just sayin'.

bobzilla said:

ProDarwin said:

If you realize it, you can change it.

If only it were that easy. 

I didn't say it was.  Like many things, accepting that you have a problem is the first step toward fixing it.

In reply to ProDarwin :

true. But sometimes it makes it more difficult because now you see when you are doing it and can't stop yourself. Now you're not only annoyed at the initial problem but also that you are doing that thing you know you shouldn't. It sucks. 

In reply to bobzilla :

I would think that the only way you can stop yourself is to see when you are doing it first.