Not quite a long the same lines, but when I worked at Ramsey Winch, I was getting frustrated trying to fix something....had no idea why the person did it the way they did.
The lead engineer turned to me and said:
"There's the right way, the wrong way, and the Ramsey way."
My brother, nursing a very sore arm.
Me: "How's the arm?"
Bro: "...Its there."
More bro. In regards to our old, very fat dog:
"Molly's so berkin fat, she needs a kickstand. "
Me, the 1964 Skylark convertible owner, at a car show/cruise/whatever.
Random Know-it-all: "You should swap in a Chevy engine. Way better."
Me: "Why?"
RK: "Chevys are so much cheaper."
Me: "Just like the owners."
In reply to ddavidv :
Love those guys.
"Why would I make it slower?"
When swmbos daughter gets all ornery at her "you're not pretty enough to have that attitude"
Or when she does something particularly ignorant "you're going to have to marry REALLY well".
Another time she had to meet up with her to exchange paperwork of some kind. She returns back to me and says " you know all that weight I lost? She found it".
One morning when employed at the brewery, I noticed all of our staff seated at the big table. This means a meeting. Not being the usual meeting day I asked "we got sexual harassment training or something?" Sales guy replies "no, we already know how to do that". Given that places proclivity for pushing out female employees, it was more true than I'd like.
My one coworker, when asked what he was up to, would always respond "My ideal weight if I was ten feet tall.
Same coworker, his response to "What's up?" was usually "My blood pressure."
I remember he had a truck that needed a fuel cooler and fuel lines. He took the estimate up to the service writer and the service writer asked him what a fuel cooler was. His reply was "Well, it don't heat the fuel, and it don't teach it to play cards." I just about doubled over laughing while the service writer got all pissy and went "Well, you don't have to be an shiny happy person about it."
I use these all the time but I can't take credit:
George Wendt:
"What's shakin'?"
"Four cheeks and a couple chins"
Chevy Chase:
"How's it going?"
"I feel like ten bucks".
AVE:
"I've got six inches but it smells like a foot"
This is a repeat from another thread, but worthy--
"You aren't the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope he doesn't die"
When one of the shop guys asks what I'm doing, the reply is often,
"Working. You ought to try it sometime."
My dad's favorite when something unpleasant happened was "Well, beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick..."
Someone knocks on the door when I'm doing the needful- "come back with a warrant".
"Somebody blew out his pilot light."
"You have clear understanding of the obvious."
"That guy is a sandwich short of a picnic."
When someone, anyone shows me a blemish, wound, or general ailment:
"my grandma got like that three days before she died"
Whenever I see a limousine under any circumstances:
"Huh, must be Bert Reynolds or something"
Last one being from Happy Gilmore.
When I was growing up, my dad would respond to me or my siblings with the same one-liner any time we said "I wish I had a..." [insert whatever thing a kid wants here]:
"Wish into one hand, and e36m3 into the other, and see which one fills up first"
I've worked with a couple good ole boy engineers over the years that were as witty as they were smart.
Instead of saying that's really neat or the roads are slippery I've learned you can also say "That's slicker 'n cat E36 M3 on linoleum." or "That's slicker 'n an oil spill on whale blubber." means the same thing.
Some of my favorite insults have come from these same guys.
"He's got a room temperature IQ" and "can barely fog a mirror"
Oooh, I like to say "that's why they call me crockpot: I'm a little slow, but I get there eventually"
CJ said:My dad's favorite when something unpleasant happened was "Well, beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick..."
In Canada that expression is, well, it's better than a kick in the dick with a frozen boot
Friend: "It's my birthday next week. I'm turning 64."
Me: "Wow, you don't look a DAY over 63. What's your secret?"
Board chair to me: "I guess I'm just a mean old bitch."
Me: "No, Helen. You're not old."
"You're blessedly uncontaminated by any understanding of reality."
When discussing someone's obviously poor engineering choice:
"Where did you go to school?
Great state university.
You should ask for a refund."
Person: "I have a question."
Me: "Nine and four sevenths"
Person: *confused look*
Me: "You said you had a question. I gave you an answer."
Back when I was in middle school (that was ages ago) I was with a group of friends at school and said some cheezie joke that I thought fit in. A long time friend chipped in (still email him now) "why don't you become a stand up comedian.... So we can tell you to sit down." ;0D
Me: hey dad I want to be a comedian someday.
Dad: now thats funny....
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