The wife is preggers... I don't know if I'm ready for this.

I saw the first post when you started this thread, but held off commenting to try to gather my thoughts before responding.

Our situations are really similar. The "official" due date for our son was also our first wedding anniversary. He arrived two weeks early, which was exactly the kind of thing a worrier like me was fixated on!

We hadn't been planning on having kids so soon, but, 5 years later, with a healthy happy son about to start kindergarten, and a healthy happy 15 month old little girl, I can look back with a little perspective and share a few things I figured out, some of them the hard way:

1. With only one exception, you can listen to whoever's advice you want, but be aware that every situation and every family is different, and you and your wife have to figure out what feels right to you.

2. The exception to #1 above is this: BE KIND TO YOUR WIFE. However worried, stressed, scared etc. you might be, she's probably even more so. She has all kinds of physical and chemical changes going on, and you need to be mindful of all these things. You will both be sleep deprived, but she will be worse off.

3. EXCEPTION to #2 Above: Being kind to you wife doesn't meant turning yourself into a doormat, for her, her family or yours. How you raise your family is for you and your wife to decide; Setting boundaries now is important, and you shouldn't defer to anyone on kid-related issues that are important to you.

4. You don't need to sell all your toys. Keep them, because they are important for your sanity. Help your wife, in a kind way, understand this.

5. Part II of #4 above is that you DO have to expect that the free time you will have to play with them is going to be dramatically reduced, and you're going to sacrifice your preferences for your kids needs. Example: This year I am skipping an enduro race weekend that my dad and I have driven together for several years, because it is the weekend right before school starts and my wife wants us to have a family weekend all at home together so he will be calm etc when school starts. I don't think me being home will make a difference one way or the other, but SWMBO believes it strongly, and I am picking my battles.

There aren't any real rules, other than that you had better enjoy every minute while you can, because they go from a baby to a grown up in the absolute blink of an eye. I don't think any parent has ever said: "I wish I had worked more instead of being there when they hit milestone x, y or z."

Good Luck!!

slefain wrote: As a father of three I only have one piece of advice: the doctors and nurses in the room are all paid very well to take care of everything from your wife's neck and down. Your job is from the neck and up. That is where you look. Don't worry about the things going on anywhere else, that's their job. Pat your wife's head with a cool cloth (if she wants to be touched at all, she'll tell you when to back off). Tell her she's doing great. Eventually someone will tell you the baby is here and you can cut the cord (if you want). Your job is then to look at the baby and your wife's face. Everything else is still someone else's job, not your problem. I can't remember who gave me that advice years ago, but he said he was passing it on from one father to the next in hopes of preserving their chandelier swinging bedroom ways. Can confirm, three kids and 10 years later, still swinging from the chandelier. My wife is still a little miffed that when she went into labor with our first, I immediately went to take a nap. I keep telling her that somebody has to be rested enough to handle the baby after it gets here, and it sure as hell won't be her. I still stand by my decision.

Yep

Part 2:

Everyone acts like the moment you lay eyes on the little bastid, you will fall instantly and deeply in love. This way not entirely my experience. I thought "oh god, I don't hopelessly love this child, I'm just fond of her, I'm the worst dad ever". Then over the first year, I have gotten to know her, and truly, deeply, love her. It takes time to fall in love, and I think that makes it more special because I love her not as a result of some magical moment or because of a chemical reaction, but because I love who she is. Give it time. All that other E36 M3 is just to keep you from eating them.

First off: congratulations!

Second: You'll be fine. Whenever my wife and I are confused about our little one, we remind ourselves that kids don't come with directions and that even the dumbest/poorest/most unlucky are able to make it work.

"My wie is preggers...." 3 pages in and not one person has asked, "Does she know who the father is?" Disappointment fills me to the core. It's like I don't even know you people anymore. One thing to think about - kids grow up whether you're there or not.

Thanks Guys! I genuinely feel better about it.

you'll be fine, man. nobody is ever really, actually, completely "ready" for this kind of thing, it just happens and you handle it a day at a time. don't over-think every kid book or article you read, and know that somehow over the millennia, humans have managed to raise offspring up to this point pretty effectively...you can do it too. communicate with your wife, share the burdens, and take a step back to enjoy it all because it'll be there, and then gone in no time.

Remember, you always screw up the first one.

My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. She's such a little bundle of wonder.

We ended up having an emergency C-section after we found out the baby was sitting head up and weren't able to get her to flip. When the doc said "Ok guys, we'll see you in the morning for a C-section!" I almost fainted. When they brought me in to the OR, sat me down, and in less than 5 minutes I got to hear my baby cry and hold her while mom was getting her guts put back in I was a blubbering pile of bitch sauce. I'm not sure who cried more, me or the baby.

I still don't believe it. She's sleeping now, and I still have to pinch myself or smell her or something to make it real.

They do grow slow, yet so incredibly fast. It seems like only last week she was basically a wiggly little log that couldn't go anywhere, today I caught her pushing the dog away from the bowl so they could "share" his dinner. Life is definitely more interesting now that she's mobile (9 months old)

Babies are awesome. They're pretty simple right out of the womb. Feed them, change them, let them sleep a lot. Anything more complicated is a gradual learn as you go thing. They're a pretty cheap hobby for the first couple of years. They seem to be getting expensive as teens, but that's only because we let them do fun things like rallycross.
Take care of the Mrs. Staying at home isn't hard, but it's berkeleying incessant. You do your job ALL THE TIME and that can be mentally hard without the right support network. You are the basis of that support network. Take it seriously.

I'll add that if you have any projects that need to get done or unreliable cars... Finish and fix them now. Either you won't have time, or won't want to waste it in the garage, once the kids arrived for a couple years. I've ridden my motorcycle the less this summer than I used to ride in a day for example. I'm glad my bike doesn't need wrenching to keep running because it would just either not get done or keep me away from my daughter.

skierd wrote: I'll add that if you have any projects that need to get done or unreliable cars... Finish and fix them now. Either you won't have time, or won't want to waste it in the garage, once the kids arrived for a couple years. I've ridden my motorcycle the less this summer than I used to ride in a day for example. I'm glad my bike doesn't need wrenching to keep running because it would just either not get done or keep me away from my daughter.

I don't necessarily agree with this statement. Hobbies and projects don't have to end when a child is born.

My son's 4th child was born three weeks ago. The entire family including the 2 week old went autocrossing last Saturday. Including her, I had all my kids, one grandkid and one daughter in-law there, 8 people in all, 4 of them were driving. We all took turns with the little one. I have dragged all of my kids, to the garage, racing, off road, boating, fishing, camping, the works from the time they were a week old. Your projects and hobbies don't have to change, you just include more people. As they get older, watching them have fun, just adds to the enjoyment of the hobby.

Edit: I guess riding a motorcycle with a infant, could be a little difficult.

The family that races together, stays together.

Going autocrossing with the whole fam-damily is easy. It's working on the car/truck/motorcycle/boat when your home with just you and baby that's difficult.

In reply to skierd:

Can be, but there is an amazing amount of stuff you can get done while jr is sleeping in a car seat. It does take longer to get things done, but that's OK. My kids grew up in the shop, just like I did. They have been helping and losing my tools for almost 30 years.

Napping baby and a baby monitor. I would recommend wearing gloves, mothers notice big greasy handprints on a baby.

Most of us were scared to death the first time. However Toyman has it right, it's well worth it once you get past that scared part. We were 18 when we got married and Toymansson arrived two days before our first anniversary... a month early. So at 19, we were trying to figure out this entire baby thing WAY before we intended. He turned out pretty awesome but I'm a bit biased.

It doesn't mean you have to give up your life and quit playing with toys. You just adjust things a bit. Toyman went and played with remote control boats. I went and played. Toymansdaughter grew in my belly kicking the remote control while I drove the boats. The next year she played in her playpen or other drivers played with her so I could drive. Toymansson got paid to run errands for the other drivers and he cleaned up over the years in 50 cent chores for them. Then we moved on to autocross. We tell our friends to soundproof their kids immediately. They can learn to sleep through anything. The first child was really good at sleeping anywhere and it helped a lot.

It's hard to ever be financially ready for a new one. We've got the four kids now, a daughter in law and four grandbabies. It was an absolute blast to have most of them at the autocross. Mine have grown up there and they've worked enough before they drove that they should never have to work again for autocrosses. lol

Don't let anyone tell you that the fun part of life is over or that you have to stop doing stuff because of a child. You may have to rearrange things a little bit but for the most part, life can keep being just as fun...and that little one will be a major blessing.

As for the wife and hormones, yea... don't let her know you're scared right now. She's going to be all over the place for a bit trying to adjust to what her hormones are doing. Poor Toyman had to deal with me furious one minute and bawling the next. Come on here and fuss if you're freaking out.

As for the finance end of things, we struggled early on. That's for sure. But it made us appreciate things more today. I kept other people's children in my home so that we could make ends meet. Other women find ways to make their hobbies pay. I've clipped coupons, written articles on the internet to make money...a host of things. Her having a baby doesn't mean she can't or shouldn't contribute. That's something you have to settle between you. I always figured out a way to help us get by. The biggest savings that can help is if she's willing to nurse the baby so you don't have to pay for formula. When friends offer to do a baby shower, see if they will do a diaper shower. My sister had one of of those and she hasn't had to buy diapers for my niece and she's 11 months old. I'm watching sales and Amazon closely for my grandbaby and buying diapers when I've got coupons or see a deal. You just have to buy smart and think smart. If you've got the space to store diapers, I'd start on that now and keep receipts.

Message me if you have any questions or need suggestions. We've been there and completely get it. Congratulations, Dad.