Things your death cerficiate might have (but didn't) say . . .

My entry for today:

Pulmonary inhalation of pasta sauce.

The back story:  Apparently breathing and eating is a level of multi-tasking I'm no longer capable of.

I have a tendency to enjoy my food rather aggressively and have, on occasion, taken a much needed breath with a mouthful, resulting in the partial inhalation, and reflex rejection of said food.

It's fine when you're by yourself. Embarrassing when you're not

A friend once said that he wanted to die jumping out the 2nd floor bedroom of another man's wife.  Don't know how that would be reported on death certificate.

So far

Drowned while surfing x2

Hit by drunk driver x2 

Leaking appendix. 

Spinal encephalitis (Friend got bit while camping with him)

Hit in head with beer bottle thrown from car. 

Mine will likely be "parachute failed to deploy" or "lied about his weight to the bungee jumping operator"

Mine will be "Forgot about the garage door tracks while working in the boat in the garage and hit his head for the 173rd time. Remaining brain cells all decided to give up and left."

I really need to convince my FIL to sell that damn boat.

"Death by toddler"

Bit the same hole in cheek 1,782 times resulting in death.

It'll probably say the thing I've kind of dreaded all the time I've worked on cars or done other dangerous stuff.

My dad taught me early to throw a wheel underneath the car when jacking up to replace brake pads (in the Time Before Jackstands), so if the jack failed the car might not squish me. Over the years I've added jackstands and other tools/procedures to reduce the chance of squishage, and sometimes people tell me they're impressed with my safety conciousness.

Only some know that the real reason is not so much to avoid being squished, but to avoid the fact that after squishage everybody would say "I didn't think he was such a dumbass" and I'd have nothing to say about it since I'd be squished.

So my death cert will probably say "Dumbass".

Cause of Death:  Electrocution.

Too lazy to fix the hot male plug extension cord I made up 12 years ago as a work-around for hanging the Christmas lights backwards.

Based on past history of near misses, If I don't die of old age, it's going to be something stupid, that may or may not be my fault.

Pulled out to sea by a rip current

post hole digger to the head

golf ball to the head

He just wouldn't shut up

Rectal cranial inversion.

Pspspspsps'ing the wrong kind of cat. 

Not sure about the death certificate, but I think the phrase "flaming wreckage" might go somewhere on my tombstone. 

Near misses:

"Drove off road and fell down side of mountain." - In actuality, car stopped teetering over the edge balanced on the front right and rear left wheels. Apparently speed limit signs in the US Virgin Islands are completely arbitrary numbers, and my dad bought some really crap retreads.

"Asphyxiation from carbon dioxide poisoning." - CO2 leak in a brewery cellar where I was working on the bottom floor. When I figured out what was going on and started seeing sparkles on the periphery of my vision I moved out of there as quickly as I could while holding my breath.

It's funny when women have "acute angina".   Maybe not funny but you make it funny.   
 

Oh yeah, how cute was it?

Killed while testing home made pulse jet.....   that thing scares me a bit (VERY loud),  but I eventually want to get it to run.....

Rolled a cavalier into a ditch, through some trees.

Almost impaled himself building a greenhouse.

Baseball bat to the head.

"That's your wife? Does she know that? Why has she been talking to me all night?"

Wrong place, wrong time.

Been a handful of close calls through the years, those stick out the most.

I could see foundry accident, winning the lottery, or having another kid all being possibilities in the future. 

"Ran until parked"

My favorite line from Bloom County:

"Steve is on the floor. A jealous ex-girlfriend has just cut off his legs with a carrot peeler..."

Oh that's what the pedal in the center is for...

Appleseed said:

Bit the same hole in cheek 1,782 times resulting in death.

Alternative:

"Ate E36 M3 and died."

RevRico said:

Rolled a cavalier into a ditch, through some trees.

I read that as rolled a cadaver ...  I was like dude this isn't major confession thread.

Brake failure. I've now had severe braking issues in at least 10 different vehicles... I've blown brake lines on at least 5 different cars while driving them on the road. Rust belt sucks. On the plus side, I've gained a lot of experience with replacing brake lines etc. Now I just need to be more proactive and replace lines BEFORE they blow.